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初級練習問題添削 431−440

 

初級練習問題添削 431(24 April 07) (18 May 08) (19 June 08) (2 April 09) (3 April 11)

(3 June 11) (24 May 13) (3 Feb 15) (1 July 16)

 

初級練習問題添削 432(28 April 07) (19 May 08) (20 June 08) (4 April 09) (3 April 11)

(31 July 11) (3 Feb 15) (30 June 16)

 

初級練習問題添削 433(29 April 07) (1 May 07) (21 June 08) (16 April 09) (4 April 11)

                        (15 Feb 15)

 

初級練習問題添削 434(1 May 07) (22 June 08) (4 April 11) (29 June 16)

 

初級練習問題添削 435(3 May 07) (20 May 08) (23 June 08) (17 April 09) (4 April 11)

                        (15 Feb 15)

 

初級練習問題添削 436(3 May 97) (5 May 07) (25 June 08) (18 April 09) (12 April 11)

(9 Sept 12) (23 Feb 15) (23 June 16)

 

初級練習問題添削 437(8 May 07) (18 May 07) (26 June 08) (25 Apr 09) (12 April 11)

                        (8 March 15)

 

初級練習問題添削 438(8 May 07) (15 May 08) (28 June 08) (5 May 09) (12 April 11)

                        (8 March 15)

 

初級練習問題添削 439(12 May 07) (17 May 07) (30 June 08) (19 April 09) (13 April 11)

            (22 March 15) (18 Aug 15)

 

初級練習問題添削 440(12 May 97) (14 May 08) (1 July 08) (23 April 09) (13 April 11)

(21 Sept 12) (22 March 15)

 

初級練習問題添削 431

 

「茶髪」が定着する中、髪を染めた子どもの姿も珍しくなくなっている。東京都の調査によると、「おしゃれのため」「自分の毛染め剤が残ったから」といった理由で、親が子どもの髪の毛を染めるケースが多い。しかし、毛染め剤に含まれる成分が深刻なアレルギー症状を引き起こすこともあり、専門家は「安易に子どもに使用しないで」と注意を呼びかけている。

 

読者からの投稿 9(だっち、1 July 16

 

It is not rare for us to see children with dyed brown hair which is broadly accepted. The survey by Tokyo shows that there are many parents coloring their children’s hair brown simply because it is fashionable or parents’ coloring liquid is left. Several experts, in fact, are warning not to use coloring liquid for children carelessly because its ingredients might cause allergic shock seriously.

 

添削

 

It is not rare infrequent for us to see children with their hair dyed brown hair which. Brown hair now is broadly accepted1. The A survey by the Tokyo Government shows that there are many parents coloring their children’s hair brown simply because it is fashionable or parents’ coloring liquid is left after they have dyed their own hair2. Several experts, in fact, are warning not to use a coloring liquid for children carelessly because its ingredients might cause serious allergic shocks seriously.

 

コメント

 

内容のすべてがわかります。

 

1.       似た内容が続くので、新しい文にしたほうが印象が強くなります。

 

2.       このような補足説明を入れるとleftの意味がはっきりします。

 

添削後の文章

 

It is not infrequent for us to see children with their hair dyed brown. Brown hair now is broadly accepted. A survey by the Tokyo Government shows that there are many parents coloring their children’s hair brown simply because it is fashionable or parents’ coloring liquid is left after they have dyed their own hair. Several experts, in fact, are warning not to use a coloring liquid for children carelessly because its ingredients might cause serious allergic shocks .

 

 

読者からの投稿 8(Lucca, 3 February 15

 

Dying hair brown is here to stay among people. Children with their hair dyed brown aren't unusual these days. A survey conducted by the Tokyo Metropolitan Government showed that parents dyed their children's hair in order to make their children look nicer or finish up their leftover hair-dye. Hair-dye is strong liquid and causes serious allergies in case of some children. Experts are warning parents not to apply hair-dye to their children.

 

添削

 

Dying hair brown is here to stay among people. Children with their hair dyed brown aren't unusual these days. A survey conducted by the Tokyo Metropolitan Government showed that parents dyed their children's hair in order to make their children look nicer or finish up their leftover hair-dye. Hair-dye is strong liquid and causes serious allergies for in case of some children. Doctors1 Experts are warning parents not to carelessly apply hair-dye to their children.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。読みやすい文章です。

 

1.       日本文では「専門家」が何に専門なのかはっきりしませんが、内容から見てdoctors としました。

 

添削後の文章

 

Dying hair brown is here to stay among people. Children with their hair dyed brown aren't unusual these days. A survey conducted by the Tokyo Metropolitan Government showed that parents dyed their children's hair in order to make their children look nicer or finish up their leftover hair-dye. Hair-dye is strong liquid and causes serious allergies for some children. Doctors are warning parents not to carelessly apply hair-dye to their children.

 

 

読者からの投稿 7(OKEN, 24 May 13

 

As “Chapatsu (brown hair)” has seemed to become more conventional, we see more often color-tinted children. A survey by the Tokyo metropolitan government shows that many parents dye their children’s hair saying “For fashion” or “There was some leftover of my hair dye.” However, some ingredients in hair dyes can cause serious allergic symptoms, so experts alert people “Don’t use hair dyes to children without careful consideration.

 

添削

 

As “Chapatsu (brown hair dyed brown)1has seemeds to become more and more2 conventional, we see more an increasing number of often color-tinted children with dyed hair. A survey by the Tokyo metropolitan government shows that many parents dye their children’s hair saying because It is For fashionable” or “I don’t want to waste my There was some leftover of my hair dye3.” However, some ingredients in hair dyes can cause serious allergic symptoms, so experts alert people, “Don’t apply use hair dyes to children without careful consideration.

 

 

コメント

 

内容のすべてがわかります。

 

1.       北米では身体の特徴として髪の色は大切です。“あの中のどの人?”“あの背の高い、痩せた、髪の毛の茶色の人。”というようによく使います。それだけ自然または染めた髪の毛の色が多様にあるということでしょう。ここでは自然ではなくて染めた色、ということをはっきりさせるとよいでしょう。

 

2.       more は比較級なのでmore than everのような比較の対象をいれるか、またはmore and moreのような形で使うのが原則です。ここではmore and moreとして、an increasing number of childrenと関連づけました。

 

3.       ちょっと皮肉ぽい表現にしました。

 

添削後の文章

 

As “Chapatsu (hair dyed brown)” seems to become more and more conventional, we see an increasing number of children with dyed hair. A survey by the Tokyo metropolitan government shows that many parents dye their children’s hair because “It is fashionable” or “I don’t want to waste my leftover hair dye.” However, some ingredients in hair dyes can cause serious allergic symptoms, so experts alert people, “Don’t apply hair dyes to children without careful consideration.

 

 

読者からの投稿 6(Kalo, 3 June 11

 

As dying hair brown has been accepted in Japan, we have often seen children with dyed hair. According to a survey by the Tokyo Metropolitan Government, some parents dye their children’s hair just because they think their children look cool with dyed hair or they have their own hair dye left. Experts, however, urges parents not to use the hair dye carelessly to their children because chemical substances in some of the hair dye can cause a serious allergic reaction.

 

添削

 

As dying hair brown has been accepted in Japan, we have often seen children with dyed hair. According to a survey by the Tokyo Metropolitan Government, some parents dye their children’s hair just because they think their children look cool with dyed hair or they have their own hair dye left and used it for their children rather than wasted it. Experts, however, urges parents not to use the hair dye carelessly to for their children because chemical substances in some of the hair dye can cause a serious allergic reaction.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。 わかりやすい文章です。

 

1.       補足説明を入れてみました。

 

添削後の文章

 

As dying hair brown has been accepted in Japan, we have often seen children with dyed hair. According to a survey by the Tokyo Metropolitan Government, some parents dye their children’s hair just because they think their children look cool with dyed hair or they have their own hair dye left and used it for their children rather than wasted it. Experts, however, urges parents not to use the hair dye carelessly for their children because chemical substances in some of the hair dye can cause a serious allergic reaction.

 

 

読者からの投稿 5(mxtomi, 3 April 11

 

With “brown hair” gradually becoming more conventional, children with colored hair are no longer a rare sight. According to a survey by the Tokyo metropolitan government, too often, parents dye their children’s hair just to give them a fashionable touch or to dispose of the remainder of their own hair-dye. Some chemical ingredients contained in the hair-dye can produce serious allergic symptoms. For this reason, experts are urging parents not to carelessly apply the hair-dye to their children.

 

添削

 

With “brown hair” gradually becoming more conventional, children with colored hair are no longer a rare sight. According to a survey by the Tokyo mMetropolitan gGovernment, too often, parents often dye their children’s hair just to give them a fashionable touch or to dispose of the remainder of their own hair-dye. Some chemical ingredients contained in the hair-dye can produce serious allergic symptoms. For this reason, experts are urging parents not to carelessly apply the hair-dye to their children.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。

 

添削後の文章

 

With “brown hair” gradually becoming more conventional, children with colored hair are no longer a rare sight. According to a survey by the Tokyo Metropolitan Government, parents often dye their children’s hair just to give them a fashionable touch or to dispose of the remainder of their own hair-dye. Some chemical ingredients contained in the hair-dye can produce serious allergic symptoms. For this reason, experts are urging parents not to carelessly apply the hair-dye to their children.

 

 

読者からの投稿 4(Speedy, 2 April 09

 

Nowadays children with their hair dyed brown are not rear, as the “Brown Hair” is getting widely accepted. According to the survey by the Government of Tokyo, in many cases parents dye their children’s hair brown, because “it is fashionable” or “their owe hair-dye left unused”. But experts are warning them not to apply hair-dye to their children without precaution, because some components of hair-dye could develop serious allege reaction.

 

添削

 

Nowadays children with their hair dyed brown are not rear uncommon, as the “Brown Hair” is getting widely accepted. According to a the survey by the Government of Tokyo, in many cases parents dye their children’s hair brown,1 because they think, the brown hair it is fashionable” or “I don’t want to waste my left-over hair-dye their owe hair-dye left unused”. But experts are warning them that they should not  to apply hair-dye to their children without precaution,2because some components of hair-dye could develop cause serious allege allergy reactions.   

 

コメント

 

英文の内容のほぼ総てがわかりますが、rearrareですね。their owe hair-dye left was unusedは「毛染め剤は使わなかった」となるので、添削のようにするとよいでしょう。

 

1.       カンマを入れてからbecause ~とすると、ここで一息いれて「さてさてその理由は〜である」、「ここで理由を説明するならば〜である」という感じに文が重くなります。特にbecause以下を強調する必要のないときはカンマを入れないのがよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

Nowadays children with their hair dyed brown are not uncommon as the “Brown Hair” is getting widely accepted. According to a survey by the Government of Tokyo, parents dye their children’s hair brown because they think, “the brown hair is fashionable” or “I don’t want to waste my left-over hair-dye ”. But experts are warning them that they should not apply hair-dye to their children without precaution because some components of hair-dye could cause serious allergy reactions.   

 

 

読者からの投稿 3(岩ちゃん、19 June 08

 

Dyeing hair brown is popular among people. Children with brown hair are not rare. According to a survey by the Tokyo metropolitan government, parents dye their children's hair brown. This is because parents want to posh their children or their hairdye was a little left. As hairdye contains ingredients which cause heavy allergy, experts say "people should not use hairdye to children."

 

添削

 

Dyeing hair brown is popular among people. Children with brown hair are not rare. According to a survey by the Tokyo metropolitan government, parents dye their children's hair brown. This is because1 parents they want to make posh their children look posh or use up their left-over hair-dye was a little left2. As However, hair-dye contains ingredients which may cause heavy allergy,. eExperts say, "people should be careful when they apply not use hair-dye to their children3."

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       調査の結果ということなのでbecause節ま一つの文に入れるとよいでしょう。

 

2.       このような説明のほうが内容がわかりやすいでしょう。

 

3.       一般的に否定文より肯定文のほうが内容がわかりやすくなります。

 

添削後の文章

 

 

Dyeing hair brown is popular among people. Children with brown hair are not rare. According to a survey by the Tokyo metropolitan government, parents dye their children's hair brown because they want to make their children look posh or use up their left-over hair-dye.  However, hair-dye contains ingredients which may cause heavy allergy. Experts say, "people should be careful when they apply hair-dye to their children."

 

 

 

 

読者からの投稿 2(YMA, 18 May 08

 

A "blown hair" in children seems to be common in Japan because children with their hair dyed are often seen. According to a survey conducted by the Tokyo Government, many of children with their hair dyed are encouraged to do so by parents because of “cosmetic reasons”, “to use up the left of the hair dye”, and so on. But the specialists are warning that hair dyes should not be used for children without much thought because some materials in hair dyes can provoke severe allergic symptoms.

 

添削

 

A "blown hair" in Small children with their hair dyed brown seems to be not uncommon in Japan as dyeing their hair brown has widespread in Japan because children with their hair dyed are often seen1. According to a survey conducted by the Tokyo Government, many of the children with their hair dyed are were encouraged to do so by their parents for because of “cosmetic reasons”, “to useing up the left of the hair dye left after the parents had used it”, and so on. But the specialists are warning that hair dyes should not be carelessly used for children without much thought because some materials in hair dyes can provoke severe allergic symptoms reactions.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の概略はわかりますが、わからないところがあります。

 

1.       「茶髪が定着する中、髪を染めた子どもの姿も珍しくなくなっている。」は「小さな子供が茶髪にしているもも珍しくない」、ということでしょう。small childrensmallを入れて強調しました。こうしないと文の意味がわかりまんせん。seem to be commonまではまだいたっていないと思うので、seem to be not uncommonと二重否定を使いました。

 

添削後の文章

 

Small children with their hair dyed brown seem to be not uncommon as dyeing their hair brown has widespread in Japan. According to a survey conducted by the Tokyo Government, many of the children with their hair dyed were encouraged to do so by their parents for  “cosmetic reasons”, “ using up the hair dye left after the parents had used it”, so on. But specialists are warning that hair dye should not be carelessly used for children because some materials in hair dye can provoke severe allergic reactions.

 

 

読者からの投稿 1(あすか、24 April 07

 

As we used to look at the people who dyed their hair brown these days, even children's brown hair can be found all over Japan. According to a survey by the Tokyo Metropolitan Government, the reasons of children's hair coloring are that mothers have dyed their hair brown for the recent fashion and just applied them the rest of the hair dye which mothers used. The specialist of dermatologist alert parents to their children not easily let them use the hair dye because it may cause some serious hair dye allergy from the contain of chemical ingredients of permanent hair color products.

 

添削

 

As we get used to look at see the people who dyed their hair brown these days, even children's1 with brown hair can be often found all over Japan. According to a survey by the Tokyo Metropolitan Government, the main reasons for coloring of children's hair coloring are that mothers have dyed their hair brown for the recent fashion and thought brown hair is also cute for their children2 and or they are left with some dye from their hair and just appliedy them it to their children the rest of the hair dye which mothers used. The specialist of  However, dermatologists alert parents that3 they should to their children not easily carelessly apply hair dye to their children let them use the hair dye because it some chemical ingredients used in the hair dye4 may cause some serious allergic reactions in children. hair dye allergy from the contain of chemical ingredients of permanent hair color products.

 

コメント

 

1.       文の前半にpeople who dye their hair brownとあるので、これと対応してchildren with brown hairとするとよいでしょう。

 

2.       「「おしゃれのため」「自分の毛染め剤が残ったから」は二つの理由だと思います。前者は子供のおしゃれのために積極的に茶髪にし、後者はついでに茶髪にする、でしょう。

 

3.       Dermatologists alert that ~という構文にするとわかりやすくなります。

 

4.       Some chemical ingredients used in the hair dyeを主語にすると文がやさしくなります。

 

添削後の文章

 

As we get used to see people who dye their hair brown these days, even children with brown hair can be often found all over Japan. According to a survey by the Tokyo Metropolitan Government, the main reasons for coloring children's hair are that mothers have dyed their hair brown and thought brown hair is also cute for their children or they are left with some dye from their hair and just apply it to their children. However, dermatologists alert parents that they should not carelessly apply hair dye to their children because some chemical ingredients used in the hair dye may cause serious allergic reactions in children. .

 

 

初級練習問題添削 432

 

昨年のクリスマスに、私は深夜のコンビニで売れ残ったケーキが大幅に値引きされているのを見つけました。仕事で疲れ切っていた私は、「甘いもので脳をリフレッシュ!」と、思わずまとめ買いをしてしまいました。でも、一人でクリスマスケーキを食べていると、何だか悲しい気持ちになりました。それから、ケーキは食べていません。

 

読者からの投稿 8(だっち、30 June 16

 

Last Christmas, I found some pieces of cake in the convenience store which were remaindered and enormously reduced . I impulsively bought some of them at the same time because I was so tired and wanted to make my brain refreshed with the sweets. In fact, I felt kind of sadness while I was eating them alone. I have never eaten any pieces of cake since that time.

 

添削

 

Last Christmas, I found some pieces of cake in the convenience store which were left unsold remaindered and whose prices were enormously reduced . I impulsively bought some of them at the same time because I was so tired at my office and wanted to make my brain refreshed with the sweets. But In fact, I felt so kind of sadness while I was eating them alone. that I have never eaten any pieces of cake since that time.

 

コメント

 

内容のすべてがわかります。

 

1.       因果関係(がきっとあるのでしょうから)を協調するとよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

Last Christmas, I found some pieces of cake in the convenience store which were left unsold  and whose prices were enormously reduced. I impulsively bought some of them because I was so tired at my office and wanted to make my brain refreshed with the sweets. But I felt so  sad while I was eating them alone that I have never eaten any piece of cake since that time.

 

 

読者からの投稿 7(Lucca, 3 February 15

 

On Christmas Day last year, I stopped by a convenience store on my way home in the late evening and found Christmas cakes with big discount there. I stocked up on the cakes because I wanted to refresh my brain by eating sweets due to tiredness. I was eating the cake alone after getting home as I became filled with a lonely feeling. Since that night I haven't been eating any cake.

 

添削

 

On Christmas Day last year, I stopped by a convenience store on my way home from work in the late evening and found left-over Christmas cakes1 with big discounts there. I bought several of them on impulse stocked up on the cakes because I was so tired and wanted to refresh my brain by eating sweets due to tiredness. I felt very lonely eating the cakes alone at home. I was eating the cake alone after getting home as I became filled with a lonely feeling. Since that night I haven't touched been eating any cake at all.

 

コメント

 

内容のすべてがわかります。添削は話を口語体にして気持ちを表現してみました。

 

1.       私の知っている戦後の日本ではどういうわけかクリスマスケーキは丸い大きな苺のショートケーキでした。これを皆で切って食べました。私の父は新聞社勤めで夜勤が多かったのですが、新聞社が東京の有楽町にあったので、クリスマスの日の夜勤明けに銀座の菓子店でこのクリスマスケーキを買って来てくれました。年に一度の不思議な食べ物でした。カナダは移民の国なので人のよってどのようなクリスマススケーキを食べるか違ってきます。カナダ人に共通なクリスマスケーキはありませんが、強いて言えば蜜で煮たフルーツのたくさん入った重たくてとても甘いフルーツケーキでしょう。さて、問題の中のクリスマスケーキは小さなケーキのようですね。夜勤で疲れお腹がすいたので、元気を取り戻すために、売れ残りの小さなクリスマスケーキが値引きされていたので幾つも衝動買いして、家に持ち帰り食べていたら、三つ目ぐらいからふと我に返り、クリスマスに一人わびしくケーキだけを食べている自分に気づいて愕然とした、この悲しい思いでを思い出したくないのでもうケーキは食べない、という話のようです。

 

添削後の文章

 

On Christmas Day last year, I stopped by a convenience store on my way home from work in the late evening and found left-over Christmas cakes with big discounts there. I bought several of them on impulse because I was so tired and wanted to refresh my brain by eating sweets. I felt very lonely eating the cakes alone at home. Since that night I haven't touched any cake at all.

 

 

読者からの投稿 6(Kalo, 31 July 11

 

Late at night on Christmas Day last year, I was on the way home from work, when I happened to see some leftover Christmas cakes sold at a huge discount at a convenience store. I’d been so tired out from work in those days, so I bought them in bulk, hoping that sweet stuff could refresh my mind. But I was beginning to feel sad because I found myself eating them all alone on Christmas night. Since then, I haven’t felt like eating cakes.

 

添削

 

Late at night on Christmas Day last year, I was on the way home from work, when I happened to see some leftover Christmas cakes on sale sold at a huge discount at a convenience store. I’d had been so tired out by from work in those days, so I bought them in bulk, hoping that sweet stuff could refresh my mind. But I was beginning to feel sad when because I realized that found myself I was eating them all alone on the Christmas night. Since then, I haven’t felt like eating cakes.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。

 

添削後の文章

 

Late at night on Christmas Day last year, I was on the way home from work when I happened to see some leftover Christmas cakes on sale at a huge discount at a convenience store. I had been so tired by work those days, so I bought them in bulk, hoping that sweet stuff could refresh my mind. But I was beginning to feel sad when I realized that I was eating them all alone on the Christmas night. Since then, I haven’t felt like eating cakes.

 

 

読者からの投稿 5(mxtomi, 3 April 11

 

I found cakes still on the shelf deeply discounted at a convenience store late on the night of Christmas Day last year. Utterly exhausted from work, I got quickly trapped into the idea that sweets would help refresh myself and bought a bunch of them. While eating the cakes alone at home, however, I felt sad for no reason. I have never eaten cake since then.

 

添削

 

Late on the night of Christmas Day last year1, I found that some cakes for Christmas were still left unsold on the shelf and deeply discounted at a convenience store late on the night of Christmas Day last year. Utterly exhausted from work, I got quickly trapped into the idea that sweets would help refresh myself and bought a bunch of them. While eating the cakes all alone just by myself2 at home, however, I felt sad for no reason. I have never eaten cake since then.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       文頭に置いたほうが、次に何が起こるかというミステリー感が生じます。

 

2.       少し孤独感を強調しました。

 

添削後の文章

 

Late on the night of Christmas Day last year, I found that some cakes for Christmas were still left unsold on the shelf and deeply discounted at a convenience store. Utterly exhausted from work, I got quickly trapped into the idea that sweets would refresh myself and bought a bunch of them. While eating the cakes all alone just by myself at home, I felt sad for no reason. I have never eaten cake since then.

 

読者からの投稿 4(Speedy, 4 March 09

 

On last year’s Christmas Day, Christmas cakes that left over were on sale with big discounts at a convenience store late at night. I bought them in bulk because I was very exhausted by hard work and wanted to make my brain refreshed by eating sweets. But while eating a Christmas cake by myself, I felt somewhat sad and lonely. Since then, I have not eaten any cake.

 

添削

 

On my way home from work in the late evening on On last year’s Christmas Day last year1, I found left-over Christmas cakes that left over were on sale with big discounts at a convenience store late at night. I bought them in bulk because I was very so exhausted by hard work that I and wanted to make my brain refreshed by eating sweets. But while eating a the Christmas cakes one by one2 by myself, I felt somewhat sad and lonely. Since then, I have not eaten any cake at all.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかりますが、添削のようにすると物語がよくわかります。

 

1.       日本文には書いてありませんが、状況から察すると、クリスマスだというのに残業でつかれきって夜遅くとぼとぼと家に帰る途中で立ち寄ったコンベニで、昨日のクリスマスイブのためのケーキが売れ残っているのを見つけて衝動買いした、ということではないでしょうか。

 

2.       私の知っている日本のクリスマスケーキというと直径20センチはあるイチゴのショートケーキでしたが、幾つも買い込んだ、ということなので、現在では小さなものがあるのでしょうね。one by oneとすると状況が眼に浮かびます。

 

添削後の文章

 

On my way home from work in the late evening on Christmas Day last year, I found left-over Christmas cakes on sale with big discounts at a convenience. I bought them in bulk because I was so exhausted by hard work that I wanted to make my brain refreshed by eating sweets. But while eating the Christmas cakes one by one by myself, I felt somewhat sad and lonely. Since then, I have not eaten any cake at all.

 

 

 

読者からの投稿 3(岩ちゃん、20 June 08

 

I found discounted cakes unsold at a convenience store on last Christmas midnight. I got tired with work on the day. I bought many cakes as I wanted to refresh my brain with sweets. But when I was eating cakes alone, I became somehow sad. I have never eaten a cake since then.

 

添削

 

In the late evening on Christmas Day last year1, I found left-over discounted cakes unsold at a discount price at a convenience store on last Christmas midnight. I got so tired with after working hard all day on the day. I bought many cakes as I wanted to refresh my brain with sweets and bought many cakes. But when I was eating the cakes alone at home, I became somehow sad. I have never eaten a cake2 since then.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容のほぼ総てがわかりますがI found discounted cakes unsoldという表現がわかり難いですね。なにかの評価が低くなった(discounted)ケーキが売れ残っている、となります。添削のように、売れ残りのケーキが安い価格で売られていた、としたほうがわかりやすくなります。

 

1.       ちょっと悲しい短いお話しなので、「昔昔あるところに」という雰囲気で文章を始めるとよいでしょう。

 

2.       ここではケーキ一般なので物質名詞になります。ケーキを一つも食べない、と強調するならば、I have never eaten any piece of cake again since then.となります。

 

添削後の文章

 

In the late evening on Christmas Day last year, I found left-over cakes sold at a discount price at a convenience store. I got so tired after working hard all day. I wanted to refresh my brain with sweets and bought many cakes. But when I was eating the cakes alone at home, I became somehow sad. I have never eaten cake since then.

 

 

読者からの投稿 2(YMA, 19 May 08

 

At midnight on Christmas day of the last year, I went to a convenience store and found unsold Christmas cakes selling at a big discount. I bought all cakes on impulse because I was very tired and I hoped to get my brain refreshed by sweets. But I felt somewhat lonely while eating Christmas cakes alone. I’ve never eaten cakes since then.

 

添削

 

At midnight on Christmas dDay of the last year, I went to a convenience store and found some unsold Christmas cakes selling at a big discount. I bought all the cakes on impulse because I was very tired and wanted I hoped to get my brain refreshed by sweets. But I felt somewhat lonely while eating the Christmas cakes alone. I’ve never eaten cakes again since then.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。私が子供の頃はクリスマスケーキというと直径20センチぐらいのイチゴのショートケーキでした。コンベニのクリスマスケーキは小さなものなのでしょうね。幾つ買ったかわかりませんが、ものすごい数ではないとおもうのでsome unsold cakesとしました。

 

添削後の文章

 

At midnight on Christmas Day last year, I went to a convenience store and found some unsold Christmas cakes selling at a big discount. I bought all the cakes on impulse because I was very tired and wanted to get my brain refreshed by sweets. But I felt somewhat lonely while eating the Christmas cakes alone. I’ve never eaten cakes again since then.

 

 

読者からの投稿 1(あすか、28 April 07

 

On last Christmas Day, when I found a lot of Christmas Cakes had left unsold in a convenience store at midnight, I thought some sweets might be activated my brain with my weary body for hard work and I purchased all different kinds of cakes that I wanted. But having the Christmas Cake by myself, I felt getting lonely. Since then, I haven't had any cakes at all.

 

(Purchasing Christmas Cake at a cake shop on Christmas Eve or before Christmas Eve are commonplace in Japan. The cake are selling all over Japan. Most people eat Christmas Cake as a dessert, in the form of a Christmas on Christmas Eve. So, Any cakes left after Christmas at store are seen to be stale. There's also a unkind saying in Japan, unmarried woman over 25 years of age is referred to as "Christmas Cake". Because cake shops throughout Japan always try to sell all their Christmas cakes before Christmas eve.)

 

添削

 

Late in the evening1 Oon last Christmas Day last year, when I found a lot of Christmas cakes Cakes had been left unsold at in a convenience store. at midnight, I thought2 some sweets might be activated my tired brain and with my weary body after for hard work and I purchased all a bunch of different kinds of cakes2 that I wanted. But When I started eating them one by one having the Christmas Cake  alone at home by myself, I suddenly felt getting  really lonely and miserable. Since then, I haven't had eaten any cakes at all.

 

(Purchasing a Christmas Ccake at a cake shop for on Christmas Eve or before Christmas Eve are is popular commonplace in Japan. The cake are is selling all over Japan. Most people eat the Christmas Ccake as a dessert, in the form of a Christmas  on Christmas Eve. So, Christmas Any cakes left unsold after Christmas at store are seen to be stale. There's is also an unkind saying in Japan., An unmarried woman over 25 years of age is referred to as a "Christmas Ccake". Because cake Pastry shops and bakeries throughout Japan always try to sell all their Christmas cakes before Christmas eEve and often greatly reduce prices in the evening of Christmas Eve. Perhaps, the lady in the above story was tempted to buy a bunch of cakes because of the reduced prices.3 )

 

コメント

 

1.       at midnightは午前零時、またその前後、のことなので、ここでは夜遅く、にしました。

 

2.       文が長いので分けると読みやすくなります。私が子供の頃は、クリスマスケーキというと大きなイチゴのショートケーキでしたが、このごろは小さなケーキなのでしょうか。

 

3.       あすかさんは日本のクリスマスケーキの説明を付け加えてくれました。25歳以上の未婚女性がクリスマスケーキだとは知りませんでした。女性の平均結婚年齢が20台後半の現在では随分とクリスマスケーキが増えているでしょう。カナダは移民の国なので共通したクリスマスケーキはありませんが、フルートケーキがかなりポピュラーで、クリスマス前にはスーパーにたくさん置いてあります。サクランボの実やオレンジの皮の砂糖漬けをたくさん入れて焼いた固めのケーキで、中にはブランディーやリキュールを入れたものもあり、焼いてからしばらく熟成させておきます。とても甘く、食べ応えのあるケーキで、クリスマス前後に友達を訪ねるとお茶菓子に出してくれます。またフルートケーキはカナダでは伝統的なウェディングケーキです。ショートケーキを重ねた大きなウェディングケーキはわりと最近の傾向のようです。

 

添削後の文章

 

Late in the evening on last Christmas last year, I found a lot of Christmas cakes had been left unsold at a convenience store. I thought some sweets might activate my tired brain and  body after hard work and purchased a bunch of different kinds of cakes. When I started eating them one by one alone at home, I suddenly felt really lonely and miserable. Since then, I haven't eaten any cake at all.

 

(Purchasing a Christmas cake for Christmas Eve is popular in Japan. The cake is selling all over Japan. Most people eat the Christmas cake as a dessert on Christmas Eve. So, Christmas cakes left unsold after Christmas are seen to be stale. There is also an unkind saying in Japan. An unmarried woman over 25 years of age is referred to as a Christmas cake.  Pastry shops and bakeries throughout Japan always try to sell all their Christmas cakes before Christmas Eve and often greatly reduce prices in the evening of Christmas Eve. Perhaps, the lady in the above story was tempted to buy a bunch of cakes because of the reduced prices.)

 

 

初級練習問題添削 433

 

能登半島地震の影響で、石川県輪島市の海岸が最大で50センチ隆起していることがわかった。地震前まで海の中にあった岩が海面上に現れ、特産の岩のりへの影響が心配されている。また海底で大きな隆起が起きている恐れがあり、漁船などの航行に注意が必要という。

 

読者からの投稿 6(Lucca, 15 February 15

 

An earthquake that hit Noto Peninsula in Ishikawa Prefecture caused great damages in the area. The earthquake raised the ground along the coast of Wajima City up to 50 cm. Some rocks sunken in the sea were also upthrusted above the sea surface. The raised rocks may give negative impact on the growth of the rock seaweed which is a specialty in the area. Furthermore the sea bed in the area is likely to be raised by this earthquake. The local fishermen should be more careful when they pass through this area by their vessels.

 

添削

 

An earthquake that hit Noto Peninsula in Ishikawa Prefecture caused great damages in the area. The earthquake raised the ground along the coast of Wajima City up to 50 cm. Some rocks sunken in the sea were also upthrusted pushed up above the sea surface. The raised rocks may give a negative impact on the growth of the rock seaweed which is a specialty in the area. Furthermore the sea bed in the area is likely to be raised by this earthquake. The local fishermen should be more careful of the surfaced rocks when they pass through this area by their vessels.

 

コメント

 

内容のすべてがわかります。

 

添削後の文章

 

An earthquake that hit Noto Peninsula in Ishikawa Prefecture caused great damages in the area. The earthquake raised the ground along the coast of Wajima City up to 50 cm. Some rocks sunken in the sea were also pushed up above the sea surface. The raised rocks may give a negative impact on the growth of the rock seaweed which is a specialty in the area. Furthermore the sea bed in the area is likely to be raised by this earthquake. The local fishermen should be more careful of the surfaced rocks when they pass through this area by their vessels.

 

 

読者からの投稿 5(mxtomi, 4 April 11

 

It was found that the ground along the seacoast of Wajima City, Ishikawa Prefecture was raised 50 centimeters at its highest point by an earthquake which recently hit Noto Penisula. Some rocks which had been below sea level before the earthquake came up above sea level, having local people worry about possible adverse effects on the harvest of rock seaweed, a local specialty there, growing on the submerged rocks. Another headache to the local people is that the earthquake may have caused some part of the seabed to significantly rise. This requires extra attention on the part of fishing boats when sailing around the area.

 

添削

 

It was found that the ground along the seacoast of Wajima City, Ishikawa Prefecture was raised 50 centimeters at its highest point by an the earthquake which recently hit Noto Penisula. Some rocks which had been below the sea level before the earthquake came up above the sea level, having local people worry about possible adverse effects on the harvest of rock seaweed, a local specialty there, growing on the submerged rocks. Another headache to the local people is that the earthquake may have caused some part of the seabed to significantly rise. This requires extra attention on the part of fishing boats when sailing around the area.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。

 

添削後の文章

 

It was found that the ground along the seacoast of Wajima City, Ishikawa Prefecture was raised 50 centimeters at its highest point by the earthquake which recently hit Noto Penisula. Some rocks which had been below the sea level before the earthquake came up above the sea level, having local people worry about possible adverse effects on the harvest of rock seaweed, a local specialty there, growing on the submerged rocks. Another headache to the local people is that the earthquake may have caused some part of the seabed to significantly rise. This requires extra attention on the part of fishing boats when sailing around the area.

 

 

読者からの投稿 4(Speedy, 16 April 09

 

A big earthquake hit Noto Peninsula in Ishikawa Prefecture. It made the ground level along the coast of Wajima City rise by 50 cm at the maximum. As a result, some of the rocks beneath the sea level are now exposed above the sea surface. It is concerned that this phenomenon gives negative impacts to the “Rock Seaweed', which is a famous product of the area. Also, as the earthquake may have cause significant rise of the sea bed in the area, fishermen need to be on alert for navigation.

 

添削

 

A big earthquake hit Noto Peninsula in Ishikawa Prefecture. It The earthquake1 raised made the ground level along the coast of Wajima City rise by 50 cm at the its highest point maximum. As a result, some of the rocks beneath the sea level are now exposed above the sea surface. Local fishermen2 are concerned that this can create It is concerned that this phenomenon gives negative impacts on harvesting of to the “Rock Seaweed', which is a famous product of the area. Also, as tThe earthquake may have also caused a significant rise of the sea bed in the area, and now fishermen must be need to be on alert when navigating through the area for navigation.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。

 

すぐ前の文章にでてくる地震の代名詞ですが、the earthquakeと繰り返したほうが印象がつよくなります。

 

文章に誰が心配しているか明示してありませんが、添削のように人間を主語にしたほうがわかりやすくなります。輪島近くの海岸線に海面すれすれの平らな岩場があり、そこにノリが生えます。岩場にはところどころに鉄棒が植え込んであり、ノリを採る人は波にさらわれないように体に巻いたロープの一端をこの鉄棒に結わえておきます。

 

添削後の文章

 

A big earthquake hit Noto Peninsula in Ishikawa Prefecture. The earthquake raised the ground along the coast of Wajima City 50 cm at its highest point. As a result, some of the rocks beneath the sea level are now exposed above the sea surface. Local fishermen are concerned that this can create negative impacts on harvesting of the “Rock Seaweed', which is a famous product of the area. The earthquake may have also caused a significant rise of the sea bed in the area and now fishermen must be on alert when navigating through the area .

 

 

読者からの投稿 3(岩ちゃん、21 June 08

 

The coast in Ishikawa Prefecture's Wajima City rose up to 50 centimeters with the influence of the earthquake in Noto peninsula. As rocks under the sea before the earthquake appeared on the sea, people are worried about iwanori as a special product in Ishikawa Prefecture. As there is a fear that sea bottoms rose highly, fishing boats have to care for them in sailing.

 

添削

 

The coast in of Ishikawa Prefecture's Wajima City rose up to 50 centimeters after with the recent influence of the earthquake in the Noto pPeninsula. As The rocks which were under the sea before the earthquake appeared on the sea surface now. , Iwanori, an edible seaweed which is a local special product, grow on the rocks under the sea. pPeople are worried about iwanori production because some rocks are no longer submerged under the water as a special product in Ishikawa Prefecture. As tThere is also a fear that the sea bottoms might have risen in some areas rose highly., fFishing boats have to be careful not to run aground for them in sailing.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の概略はわかりますが、As rocks under the sea before the earthquake appeared on the sea, people are worried about iwanori as a special product in Ishikawa Prefecture.がわかりません。添削のような説明を入れるとよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

The coast of Ishikawa Prefecture's Wajima City rose up to 50 centimeters after the recent  earthquake in the Noto Peninsula. The rocks which were under the sea before the earthquake appeared on the sea surface now. Iwanori, an edible seaweed which is a local special product, grow on the rocks under the sea. People are worried about iwanori production because some rocks are no longer submerged under the water .There is also a fear that the sea bottom might have risen in some areas. Fishing boats have to be careful not to run aground .

 

 

読者からの投稿 2(Kalo, 1 May 07

 

The major earthquake that hit the Noto Peninsula in Ishikawa Prefecture raised the ground level up to 50 cm along the coast of Wajima City, researchers said. The earthquake raised some of the rocks out of the water, causing edible seaweed (local reputable seafood) to become dried up. Also, as the earthquake may have raised the rocks under the surface, fishermen and other boaters need to be on alert for accidentally colliding with them.

 

添削

 

The major earthquake that hit the Noto Peninsula in Ishikawa Prefecture raised the ground level up to 50 cm along the coast of Wajima City, researchers said. The earthquake raised some of the rocks out of the water, and  causing “Iwa-nori,” an edible seaweed which grows on the rocks under the water and is a famous (local product reputable seafood) is now at risk of to become dried drying up1. Also, as the earthquake may have raised some parts of the sea floor in the area the rocks under the surface, fishermen and other boaters need to be on alert for accidentally colliding with them2.

 

コメント

 

1.       「岩のりへの影響が心配されている」とあるので添削のようにしました。また海岸の隆起と岩のりの関係をはっきりするように説明を加えました。能登の岩のりの採集場を見たことがありますが、海岸に近いところにある波に洗われているような平たい岩場です。

 

2.       「漁船などの航行に注意が必要という」のどのような危険があるのか説明があってわかりやすいですね。

 

添削後の文章

 

The major earthquake that hit the Noto Peninsula in Ishikawa Prefecture raised the ground level up to 50 cm along the coast of Wajima City, researchers said. The earthquake raised some of the rocks out of the water and “Iwa-nori,” an edible seaweed which grows on the rocks under the water and is a famous local product is now at risk of drying up. Also, as the earthquake may have raised some parts of the sea floor in the area, fishermen and other boaters need to be on alert for accidentally colliding with them.

 

 

読者からの投稿 1(あすか、29 April 07

 

The sea level along the coast in Wajima City, Japan had risen maximum height of 50 centimeters by the effects of the Noto Earthquake. People in Wajima City have been worried about "rock laver", which are the special local product in Noto Peninsula because if the rocks which placed below water surface the ocean before this earthquake, appear, it may cause damage to artisanal fisheries for rock laver. Also, the City of Wajima alerts fishermen and people who sail over the ocean the high sea-level rise up.

 

添削

 

The seashore1 at level along the coast in Wajima City, Japan, rose had risen to the maximum height of 50 centimeters by the effects of the Noto Earthquake. People in Wajima City have been are worried about the "rock laver", which are is a the special local product in the Noto Peninsula area, because if2the rocks which placed had been submerged below the water surface of the ocean sea before this earthquake rose above the surface and , appear, it may cause damage to artisanal  the production of fisheries for rock laver. Also, the City of Wajima alerts fishermen and people who sail across this area of the sea to the danger of running aground3 because some parts of the sea floor might have risen over the ocean the high sea-level rise up.

 

コメント

 

1.       ここは海面が上昇したのではなく、海岸自体が隆起しました。

 

2.       実際に海面下にあった岩が海面上に表れたので、ifは必要ありません。

 

3.       alert people to the danger of ~という熟語を使って「航行に注意」を「座礁の危険について注意」と具体的に表現するとよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

The seashore at Wajima City, Japan, rose to the maximum of 50 centimeters by the effects of the Noto Earthquake. People in Wajima City are worried about the "rock laver", which is a  special local product in the Noto Peninsula area, because the rocks which had been submerged below the surface of the sea before this earthquake rose above the surface and  may cause damage to the production of rock laver. Also, the City of Wajima alerts fishermen and people who sail across this area of the sea to the danger of running aground because some parts of the sea floor might have risen .

 

 

初級練習問題添削 434

 

厚生労働省と経済産業省が所管する59の独立行政法人が2005年度に発注した業務委託や物品購入など総額8500億円に上る契約で、6割以上の約5234億円分が随意契約だったことがわかった。

 

読者からの投稿 5(だっち、29 June 16

 

It was revealed that the total amount of orders placed by 59 independent administrative agencies under Ministry of Health, Labour and Welfare or Ministry of Economy, Trade and Industry in fiscal year 2005, such as outsourcing and purchasing, was more than 85 billion yen. Also, over 60 percent of the orders, around 52.34 billion yen, were negotiated contracts.

 

添削

 

It was revealed that the total amount of orders placed by 59 independent administrative agencies under the Ministry of Health, Labour and Welfare or and the Ministry of Economy, Trade and Industry in the fiscal year 2005, such as outsourcing and purchasing, was more than 850 billion1 yen. Also, oOver2 60 percent of the orders, around 52352.34 billion yen, were directly negotiated contracts without any open bidding3.

 

コメント

 

数字の桁数が間違っていますが、文章の内容はわかります。

 

1.       10億が 1 billionと覚えておくと便利です。

 

2.       随意契約が多すぎる、というのがこの記事の眼目なので、Alsoは要りません。

 

3.       このような説明を入れると随意契約の意味がはっきりします。

 

添削後の文章

 

It was revealed that the total amount of orders placed by 59 independent administrative agencies under the Ministry of Health, Labour and Welfare and the Ministry of Economy, Trade and Industry in the fiscal year 2005 such as outsourcing and purchasing was more than 850 billion yen. Over 60 percent of the orders, around 523 billion yen, were directly negotiated contracts without any open bidding.

 

 

読者からの投稿 4(mxtomi, 4 April 11

 

Fifty nine administrative agencies administered by the Ministry of Health, Labor and Welfare and the Ministry of Economy, Trade and Industry purchased goods and services amounting to 850 million yen in FY 2005. It was found that more than 60% of these purchases (about 523 million yen) were made without going through a competitive bidding procedure.

 

添削

 

Fifty nine administrative agencies administered by the Ministry of Health, Labor and Welfare and the Ministry of Economy, Trade and Industry purchased goods and services amounting to 850 million billion yen in FY the 2005 fiscal year. It was found that more than 60% of these purchases (about 523 million billion yen) were made without going through a competitive bidding procedure.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。

 

添削後の文章

 

Fifty nine administrative agencies administered by the Ministry of Health, Labor and Welfare and the Ministry of Economy, Trade and Industry purchased goods and services amounting to 850 billion yen in the 2005 fiscal year. It was found that more than 60% of these purchases (about 523 billion yen) were made without going through a competitive bidding procedure.

 

 

読者からの投稿 3(岩ちゃん、22 June 08

 

Fifty nine independent administrative institutions overseen by the Ministry of Health, Labor and Welfare and the Ministry of Economy, Trade and Industry placed an order for consignment of business activities, goods and so on in 2005. Its amount totaled 850 billion yen. More than 60 % contracts were a contract at discretion. The contracts were valued in excess of about 523.4 billion yen.

 

添削

 

Fifty nine independent administrative institutions agencies overseen by the Ministry of Health, Labor and Welfare and the Ministry of Economy, Trade and Industry placed 850 billion yen an orders for consignments of business activities, and purchases of goods and so on in 2005. Its amount totaled 850 billion yen. More than 60 % of these orders, about 523 billion yen, contracts were made as a contracts at discretion. The contracts were valued in excess of about 523.4 billion yen.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。複雑な内容は要素に分解して小文で表現する、がプレイン・イングリッシュの原則ですが、上の添削では二つ文の内容を複合したほうがわかりやすくなります。

 

添削後の文章

 

Fifty nine independent administrative agencies overseen by the Ministry of Health, Labor and Welfare and the Ministry of Economy, Trade and Industry placed 850 billion yen orders for consignments of business activities and purchases of goods in 2005. More than 60 % of these orders, about 523 billion yen, were made as contracts at discretion.

 

 

読者からの投稿 2(あすか、1 May 07

 

Fifty-nine independent administrative institutions which the Ministry of Health and the Ministry of Economy had jurisdiction, fulfilled contracts for a total of 85 billion yen such as agent service fees which were placed in 2005 or the article purchases. On this contract, the auditor found out that 5,234 million yen which was over 60% of the contracts out of 85 billion yen, had free contract.

 

添削

 

Fifty-nine independent administrative institutions agencies under the jurisdiction of which the Ministry of Health and the Ministry of Economy had jurisdiction, fulfilled made contracts for a total of 850 billion yen for the purchase of goods and service1 such as agent service fees which were placed in the 2005 fiscal year or the article purchases. Out of On this these contracts, the auditor found out that 523 billion 5,234 million yen, which was over 60% of the total value of these contracts out of 85 billion yen, was awarded without open bidding1 had free contract.

 

コメント

 

1.       「業務委託や物品購入」はthe purchase of goods and servicesと簡単な表現でよいでしょう。

 

2.       「随意契約」は内容の説明で表現しますが、添削では「公開の入札無しで」としました。

 

添削後の文章

 

Fifty-nine independent administrative agencies under the jurisdiction of the Ministry of Health and the Ministry of Economy, made contracts of 850 billion yen for the purchase of goods and service in the 2005 fiscal year. Out of these contracts, the auditor found out that 523 billion  yen, which was over 60% of the total value of these contracts, was awarded without open bidding.

 

 

読者からの投稿 1(Kalo, 1 May 07

 

A total of 59 independent administrative agencies spent nearly 523.4 billion yen on contracts without competitive bidding in the 2005 fiscal year. Instead of competitive bidding, the agencies chose certain preferred companies and made a contract with them. This type of contract accounted for over 60 percent of 850 billion yen annually spent on contracts for outsourcing work and purchasing goods. These agencies are under the jurisdiction of the Health, Labor and Welfare Ministry or the Ministry of Economy, Trade and Industry.

 

添削

 

A total of 59 independent administrative agencies spent purchased nearly 523.4 billion yen of goods and services1 on contracts without competitive bidding in the 2005 fiscal year. Instead of competitive bidding, these agencies chose certain preferred companies and made a contract with them2. This type of contract accounted for over 60 percent of 850 billion yen these agencies annually spent on contracts for outsourcing work and purchasing goods and services through contracts in 20053. These agencies are under the jurisdiction of the Health, Labor and Welfare Ministry or the Ministry of Economy, Trade and Industry.

 

コメント

 

1.       次の文でどのような方法で購入したか説明してあるので、ここでは添削のように簡単に記述するとよいでしょう。

 

2.       「随意契約」を内容の説明で表現したのがよいですね。

 

3.       annuallyとすると毎年8500億の予算があるような印象になるので添削のようにしました。

 

添削後の文章

 

A total of 59 independent administrative agencies purchased nearly 523.4 billion yen of goods and services without competitive bidding in the 2005 fiscal year. Instead of competitive bidding, these agencies chose certain preferred companies and made a contract with them. This type of contract accounted for over 60 percent of 850 billion yen these agencies spent on  purchasing goods and services through contracts in 2005. These agencies are under the jurisdiction of the Health, Labor and Welfare Ministry or the Ministry of Economy, Trade and Industry.

 

 

初級練習問題添削 435

 

新潟県の魚沼市と三条市にまたがる守門岳(すもんだけ)で真っ白なはずの雪山がうっすらと桜色に染まっている。中国大陸から飛来した黄砂が原因とみられている。気象庁によると、4月1、2日、新潟市や上越市などに飛来した黄砂の影響としている。黄砂は必ずしも黄色とは限らず、赤みがかったものもある。

 

読者からの投稿 7(Lucca, 15 February 15)

 

Mt. Sumondake is covered with snow but looks like light pinkish-white due to yellow sand. The yellow sand coming from China has reached Niigata and Jyoetu City, Niigata Prefecture on April 1 and 2 according to the Meteorological Agency. The yellow sand has piled up not only in these cities but also on the mountain which is located between Numazu and Sanjyou City in the prefecture. We take it for granted that yellow sand is yellow as the name suggests but the sand is sometime reddish. That is why the mountain turned light pink instead of snow-white.

 

添削

 

Mt. Sumondake is covered with snow but looks like light pinkish-white due to yellow sand. The yellow sand coming from China has reached Niigata and Jyoetu City, Niigata Prefecture on April 1 and 2 according to the Meteorological Agency. The yellow sand has piled up not only in these cities but also on Mt. Sumondake the mountain which is located between Numazu and Sanjyou City in the prefecture. We take it for granted that yellow sand is yellow as the name suggests but the sand is sometime reddish. That is why the mountain turned light pink instead of snow-white.

 

コメント

 

内容のすべてがわかります。わかりやすい文章構成です。

 

添削後の文章

 

Mt. Sumondake is covered with snow but looks like light pinkish-white due to yellow sand. The yellow sand coming from China has reached Niigata and Jyoetu City, Niigata Prefecture on April 1 and 2 according to the Meteorological Agency. The yellow sand has piled up not only in these cities but also on Mt. Sumondake  which is located between Numazu and Sanjyou City in the prefecture. We take it for granted that yellow sand is yellow as the name suggests but the sand is sometime reddish. That is why the mountain turned light pink instead of snow-white.

 

 

読者からの投稿 6(mxtomi, 4 April 11

 

Snowcapped Mt. Sumondake straddling Uonuma City and Sanjo City in Niigata Prefecture is tinged with pale rose instead of snow white, the way it should be. This was presumably caused by yellow sand carried by the wind from deserts on the Chinese continent. The Meteorological Agency attributes the phenomenon to the yellow sand flew to Niigata city and Joetsu City on April 1 and 2. Yellow sand is not always yellow in color. Some yellow sand is somewhat reddish.

 

添削

 

The snow on Snowcapped Mt. Sumondake straddling Uonuma City and Sanjo City in Niigata Prefecture is tinged with pale rose instead of snow white, the way it should be. This was presumably caused by yellow sand carried by the wind from deserts on the Chinese continent. The Meteorological Agency attributes the phenomenon to the yellow sand that flew to Niigata cCity and Joetsu City on April 1 and 2. Yellow sand is not always yellow in color. Some yellow sand is somewhat reddish.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。

 

添削後の文章

 

The snow on Mt. Sumondake straddling Uonuma City and Sanjo City in Niigata Prefecture is tinged with pale rose instead of snow white, the way it should be. This was presumably caused by yellow sand carried by the wind from deserts on the Chinese continent. The Meteorological Agency attributes the phenomenon to the yellow sand that flew to Niigata City and Joetsu City on April 1 and 2. Yellow sand is not always yellow in color. Some yellow sand is somewhat reddish.

 

 

読者からの投稿 5(Speedy, 17 April 09

 

Mt. Sumondake, which expands between Numazu City and Sanjyou City in Niigata Prefecture, is now dyed light pink, whilst it should look snow-white normally. According to the Meteorological Agency, this change might have been caused by the yellow sand that reached Niigata and Jyoetu City on April 1 and 2 from the Continent of China. Despite its name, the “yellow sand” is not always yellow but sometimes reddish.

 

添削

 

Mt. Sumondake, which expands stands between Numazu City and Sanjyou City in Niigata Prefecture, is now covered with snow1 but looks dyed light pink instead of , whilst it should look snow-white normally. According to the Meteorological Agency, this unusual colour change might have been caused by the yellow sand that reached Niigata and Jyoetu City on April 1 and 2 from the Continent of China. Despite its name, the “yellow sand” is not always yellow but sometimes reddish.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       雪に覆われているがピンク色に見える、とするとわかりやすいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

Mt. Sumondake, which stands between Numazu City and Sanjyou City in Niigata Prefecture, is now covered with snow but looks light pink instead of snow-white. According to the Meteorological Agency, this unusual colour might have been caused by the yellow sand that reached Niigata and Jyoetu City on April 1 and 2 from the Continent of China. Despite its name, the “yellow sand” is not always yellow but sometimes reddish.

 

 

読者からの投稿 4(岩ちゃん、23 June 08

 

As Sumondake through Uonuma City and Sanjyo City in Niigata Prefecture is usually covered with snow, it is supposed to look complete white. But the snowcapped mountain turns to light pink. This is caused by yellow sand which came to Japan from China. According to the Meteorological Agency, a great deal of yellow sand came flying to the skies over Niigata and Jyoetsu City on April 1st and 2nd. Yellow sand are not always yellow and some yellow sand are florid.

 

添削

 

At this time of the year, As Mt. Sumondake, which stands through between Uonuma City and Sanjyo City in Niigata Prefecture, is usually covered with snow, it is supposed to and looks completely white. But the snowcapped mountain turns now looks to lightly pink. This is caused by yellow sand which had recently been flown to the mountain by the winds1 came to Japan from China. According to the Meteorological Agency, a great deal of yellow sand came flying to the skies over Niigata and JZyoetsu City on April 1st and 2nd. Yellow sand are not always yellow and some yellow sand are florid pink.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       こんな説明があったほうが守門岳と黄砂の関係がはっきりするとおもいます。

 

添削後の文章

 

At this time of the year, Mt. Sumondake, which stands between Uonuma City and Sanjyo City in Niigata Prefecture, is usually covered with snow and looks completely white. But the snowcapped mountain now looks lightly pink. This is caused by yellow sand which had recently been flown to the mountain by the winds from China. According to the Meteorological Agency, a great deal of yellow sand came flying to the skies over Niigata and Zyoetsu City on April 1st and 2nd. Yellow sand are not always yellow and some yellow sand are pink.

 

 

読者からの投稿 3(YMA, 20 May 08

 

Mt. Sumondake, which rises between Uonuma City and Sanjou City in Niigata Prefecture, is unusually showing its pink-dyed body, not snowy one. Specialists thought that yellow sand coming from China made the color of the mountain’s surface change. The Meteorological Agency reported that the yellow sand coming on April 1 and 2 resulted in the pink-colored surface of the mountain. Yellow sand is not always yellow and sometimes red.  

 

添削

 

Mt. Sumondake, which rises between Uonuma City and Sanjou City in Niigata Prefecture, is unusually covered with pale pink snow showing its pink-dyed body, instead of white snow not snowy one. Specialists think thought that yellow sand coming from China made the color of the mountain’s snow surface change. The Meteorological Agency reported that the yellow sand coming came to this area on April 1 and 2 resulted in the pink-colored surface of the mountain. Yellow sand is not always yellow and sometimes pale red.  

 

コメント

 

英文の内容のほぼ総てがわかりますがMt. Sumondake is unusually showing its pink-dyed body, not snowy one.がわかりません。山の雪が薄い桜色に染まったということですから、雪ということをはっきり入れるとよいでしょう。

 

1.       日本文でここの情報が重複していますね。省略するほうがよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

Mt. Sumondake, which rises between Uonuma City and Sanjou City in Niigata Prefecture, is covered with pale pink snow instead of white snow. Specialists think that yellow sand coming from China made the color of the mountain’s snow change. The Meteorological Agency reported that yellow sand came to this area on April 1 and 2. Yellow sand is not always yellow and sometimes pale red.  

 

 

読者からの投稿 2(あすか、3 May 07

 

Mt. Sumondake which stretches between Uonuma City and Sanjyo City in Niigata Prefecture, is suppose to be a snow-white mountain but it turns to lightly pale rose. It might be caused by yellow sand which carried the seasonal dust to Japan by the wind from deserts on the Chinese continent. According to the Japan Meteorological Agency, it was due to yellow sand which brought over Niigata City, and Jyoetsu City by prevailing winds on April 1st and 2nd. Yellow sand is not always yellow, sometimes there is reddish cast.

 

添削

 

Mt. Sumondake which stretches between Uonuma City and Sanjyo City in Niigata Prefecture, is suppose to be a snow-white mountain in early spring. This April1, however, but it turnsed to lightly2 pale rose. It This might be caused by yellow sand which carried the seasonal dust from deserts on the Chinese continent to Japan by the wind3 from deserts on the Chinese continent. According to the Japan Meteorological Agency, it was due to yellow sand which was brought over to Niigata City, and Jyoetsu City by the prevailing winds on April 1st and 2nd. Yellow sand is not always yellow., sSometimes the yellow sand could be there is reddish cast. This was perhaps why the mountain looked pale rose4.

 

コメント

 

1.       文章を二つに分けて、通常の場合との比較をはっきりさせるとよいでしょう。

 

2.       pale rose, pale blueのようにpaleに「薄い〜色」という意味があるのでlightlyは要りません。

 

3.       黄砂の説明がわかりやすいですね。

 

4.       添削の順序で説明すると黄砂とうっすらと桜色の山との関係がわかりやすくなります。

 

添削後の文章

 

Mt. Sumondake which stretches between Uonuma City and Sanjyo City in Niigata Prefecture is suppose to be a snow-white mountain in early spring. This April, however, it turned to pale rose. This might be caused by yellow sand which carried the seasonal dust from deserts on the Chinese continent to Japan by the wind. According to the Japan Meteorological Agency, yellow sand was brought to Niigata City and Jyoetsu City by the prevailing wind on April 1st and 2nd. Yellow sand is not always yellow. Sometimes the yellow sand could be reddish. This was perhaps why the mountain looked pale rose.

 

 

読者からの投稿 1(Kalo, 3 May 07

 

An unusual phenomenon has been observed at Mt. Sumon-dake straddling the border between Uonuma City and Sanjo City in Niigata Prefecture. In early spring, the mountain is white because it remains covered with snow, but this April, some parts of the mountain turned slightly pink. Meteorological officials said yellow sand from China was observed in Niigata City and Joetsu City in Niigata Prefecture on April 1 and 2, and it also reached the areas of the mountain. Yellow sand contains red particles and they made the mountain turn slightly pink, the officials said.

 

添削

 

An unusual phenomenon has been observed at Mt. Sumon-dake straddling the border between Uonuma City and Sanjo City1 in Niigata Prefecture. In early spring, the mountain is usually pure2 white because it remains covered with snow., but tThis April, however, some parts of the mountain turned slightly pink. Meteorological officials said yellow sand from China was observed in Niigata City and Joetsu City in Niigata Prefecture on April 1 and 2, and it also reached the areas of the mountain. Yellow sand is not necessary yellow and it could contains reddish particles3. Perhaps, this was why and they made the mountain turn looked slightly pink, the officials said.

 

コメント

 

1.       「魚沼市と三条市にまたがる守門岳」の表現が難しいですね。Mt. Sumon-dake straddling the border between Uonuma City and Sanjo Cityが適切です。

 

2.       「うっすらと桜色」、「赤みがかった」という色の表現が難しいですね。両方をpale pinkと表現することもできます。pale blue, pale redのように「色が薄い」の表現にpaleが使えます。

 

3.       「黄砂は必ずしも黄色とは限らず、赤みがかったものもある。」は黄砂は大体は黄色のようなので添削のようにするとよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

An unusual phenomenon has been observed at Mt. Sumon-dake straddling the border between Uonuma City and Sanjo City in Niigata Prefecture. In early spring, the mountain is usually pure white because it remains covered with snow. This April, however, some parts the mountain turned slightly pink. Meteorological officials said yellow sand from China was observed in Niigata City and Joetsu City in Niigata Prefecture on April 1 and 2 and it also reached the areas of the mountain. Yellow sand is not necessary yellow and it could contain reddish particles. Perhaps, this was why the mountain looked slightly pink, the officials said.

 

 

初級練習問題添削 436

 

日本は世界一のマグロ消費国だ。食糧農業機関(FAO)よると、2005年のマグロの世界総漁獲量(200万トン強)の4分の1にあたる約53万トンが、日本人の胃袋におさまった。そのうち、高級マグロの代名詞であるクロマグロの国内供給量は約4万4000トン。輸入物をのぞいた国内漁獲量は1万9000トンで、そのうち約5%が青森県産だ。青森県産のクロマグロの特徴は、市場の評価が高い点にある。2001年のには大間産(202キロ)のクロマグロに東京卸売り市場で2020万円の値段がついたことがある。

 

読者からの投稿 7(だっち、23 June 16

 

Japanese consume tuna the most in the world. The FAO publishes that Japanese ate approximately 530,000 tons of tuna, which occupied a quarter of world's gross tuna catches in 2005 (over 2 million tons). The domestic supply of black-tuna, which is a representative of expensive tuna, was about 44000 tons. The supply excluding imported black-tuna was about 19,000 tons, and then about five percent of it was caught in Aomori Prefecture. High market value of Aomori black-tuna is outstanding. For example, in 2001, Oma black-tuna (202 kg) was evaluated as 20.2 million yen at Tokyo whole sale fish market.

 

添削

 

Japanese1 consumes tuna the most in the world. The FAO publishes that the Japanese people ate approximately 530,000 tons of tuna in 2005, which was occupied a quarter of world's gross tuna catches of tuna that year in 2005 (over 2 million tons). The total domestic supply2 of black-tuna (domestic plus imported), which was is a representative of expensive kinds of tuna, was about 44,000 tons. The domestic supply excluding imported black-tuna was about 19,000 tons, and then of which about five percent of it was caught in Aomori Prefecture. The Hhigh market value of Aomori black-tuna is outstanding. For example, in 2001, an Oma black-tuna (202 kilograms, kg) was evaluated sold at as 20.2 million yen at the Tokyo whole sale fish market.

 

コメント

 

内容のすべてがわかります。

 

1.       The Japanese people consume tuna the most in the world. と表現すると「日本人」が世界で一番マグロを食べる(例えば秋刀魚よりたくさん食べる)というような比較が可能です。Japan consumes tune the most in the world.とすると主語は日本のいう国ですから、国同士の比較になり、日本が世界中で一番多量のマグロを消費する、とはっきりします。

 

2.       国内供給量はそのまま英語で表現すれば the domestic supplyとなりますが、経済用語ではthe domestic supplyは国内で生産して供給されたもので輸入を含みません。ここでは

the total supply = the domestic supply + importsとして表現するとわかりやすいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

Japan consumes tuna the most in the world. The FAO publishes that the Japanese people ate approximately 530,000 tons of tuna in 2005, which was a quarter of world's catch of tuna that year (over 2 million tons). The total supply of black-tuna (domestic plus imported), which was  a representative of expensive kinds of tuna, was about 44,000 tons. The domestic supply excluding imported black-tuna was about 19,000 tons, of which about five percent was caught in Aomori Prefecture. The high market value of Aomori black-tuna is outstanding. For example, in 2001, an Oma black-tuna (202 kilograms, ) was sold at 20.2 million yen at the Tokyo whole sale fish market.

 

 

読者からの投稿 6(Lucca, 23 February 15

 

Japan is the country where the consumption of "tuna" is the highest in the world. In 2005 the world’s total tuna catch was over 2 million tons according to the Food and Agriculture Organization (FAO). The Japanese people ate up 530 thousand tons of tuna which was equivalent to one forth of the world’s total tuna catch. In Japan "black tuna" comes in first or second place in the fancy food. As many as 44 thousand of black tuna were supplied in the domestic markets. The total domestic catch of black tuna was 19 thousand tons, of which about 5 percent came from Aomori Prefecture. Black tunas coming from Aomori are top-ranked in the domestic fish markets. A 202 kilogram-black tuna landed at Ohma Port in Aomori was sold at 20.2 million yen at the Tokyo Fish Market in 2001.

 

添削

 

Japan is the country where the consumption of "tuna" is the highest in the world. In 2005 the world’s total tuna catch was over 2 million tons according to the Food and Agriculture Organization (FAO). The Japanese people ate up 530 thousand tons of tuna which was equivalent to one forth of the world’s total tuna catch. In Japan "black tuna" comes in the first or second place in the fancy quality ranking of tuna1 food. As many as 44 thousand of black tuna were supplied in the domestic markets. The total domestic catch of black tuna was 19 thousand tons, of which about 5 percent came from Aomori Prefecture. Black tunas coming from Aomori are is top-ranked in the domestic fish markets. A 202 kilogram-black tuna landed at Ohma Port in Aomori was sold at 20.2 million yen at the Tokyo Fish Market in 2001.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       他にも高価な寿司ネタがあるので、ここでは「マグロの中では」に限定したほうがよいでしょう。以前、シチリアの市場で大きなカジキマグロの頭と胴体がデンと店に置いてあるのをみつけました。。早速、そのの日の夕食はマグロのステーキとマグロのマリネーにしました。ステーキは厚さ2センチぐらいの切り身の上にパン粉と香料を混ぜたものを一面に塗って焼いてありました。パン粉のパリパリ感とマグロのねっとり感の組み合わせが妙で美味しかったです。マリネーは縦横高さ二センチほどの角切りにうっすらオリーブオイルがかけてあるだけです。塩を少し振って食べました。こちらの方は醤油とワサビがあればもっと美味しいと思いました。

 

添削後の文章

 

Japan is the country where the consumption of tuna is the highest in the world. In 2005 the world’s total tuna catch was over 2 million tons according to the Food and Agriculture Organization (FAO). The Japanese people ate up 530 thousand tons of tuna which was equivalent to one forth of the world’s total tuna catch. In Japan black tuna comes in the first or second place in the quality ranking of tuna. As many as 44 thousand of black tuna were supplied in the domestic market. The total domestic catch of black tuna was 19 thousand tons, of which about 5 percent came from Aomori Prefecture. Black tuna coming from Aomori is top-ranked in the domestic fish market. A 202 kilogram-black tuna landed at Ohma Port in Aomori was sold at 20.2 million yen at the Tokyo Fish Market in 2001.

 

 

読者からの投稿 5(OKEN, 9 September 12

 

Japan is the world’s largest tuna consumer country. According to FAO’s information, about 530 thousand tons of tuna, equivalent to one-quarter of world’s gross tuna catches (over 200 million tons) in 2005, had been consumed in Japanese stomachs. Of them, the national supply of bluefin tuna, which is the representative of expensive tuna, was about 44 thousand tons. Its national catches excluding import ones were 19 thousand tons, and about 5 % of it was caught in Aomori Prefecture. A beneficial feature of bluefin tuna caught in Aomori Prefecture is its high market evaluation. For example, in 2001, a bluefin tuna (202 kilograms) caught in Ooma was auctioned at a price of 20.2 million yen at Tokyo wholesale market.

 

添削

 

Japan is the world’s largest tuna consumer country. According to FAO’s information, about 530 thousand tons of tuna, equivalent to one-quarter of world’s total gross tuna catches (over 200 million tons) in 2005, was had been consumed in Japanese stomachs. Of them those tune, the national supply of blue-fin tuna, which is the most popular kind representative of expensive tuna, was about 44 thousand tons. Its national catches, excluding imported ones was were 19 thousand tons., and aAbout 5 % of it was caught in Aomori Prefecture. A beneficial feature of The blue-fin tuna caught in Aomori Prefecture is known for its high market value evaluation. For example, in 2001, a blue-fin tuna (202 kilograms) caught in Ooma was auctioned for at a price of 20.2 million yen at the Tokyo Fish Market1 wholesale market.

 

コメント

 

内容のすべてがわかります。

 

1.       固有名詞にします。

 

添削後の文章

 

Japan is the world’s largest tuna consumer country. According to FAO, about 530 thousand tons of tuna, equivalent to one-quarter of world’s total tuna catch (over 200 million tons) in 2005, was consumed in Japan. Of those tune, the national supply of blue-fin tuna, the most popular kind of expensive tuna, was about 44 thousand tons. Its national catch, excluding imported ones was 19 thousand tons. About 5 % of it was caught in Aomori Prefecture. The blue-fin tuna caught in Aomori Prefecture is known for its high market value. For example, in 2001, a blue-fin tuna (202 kilograms) caught in Ooma was auctioned for 20.2 million yen at the Tokyo Fish Market1 .

 

 

読者からの投稿 4(mxtomi, 12 April 11

 

Japan is the top tuna consuming country in the world. The Food and Agriculture Organization (FAO) says that out of a little over two million tons of world’s gross catches in 2005, a quarter of the catches or 530 thousand tons of tuna, were eaten up by Japanese. Of the 530 thousand tons, 44 thousand tons were accounted for by blue fin tuna, a byword for high quality tuna. Further, 19 thousand tons of blue fin tuna were caught domestically and 5% of the domestic catches were from Aomori Prefecture. The blue fin tuna from Aomori is characterized by its high reputation in the market. In 2001, a 202-kilogram blue fin tuna from Oma City, Aomori was sold at as high as 20.2 million yen in the Tokyo’s tuna wholesale market.

 

添削

 

Japan is the top tuna consuming country in the world. The Food and Agriculture Organization (FAO) says that out of a little over two million tons of world’s gross total catches in 2005, a quarter of the catches or 530 thousand tons of tuna, were eaten up by the Japanese. Of the 530 thousand tons, 44 thousand tons were accounted for by blue fin tuna, a byword for high quality tuna. Further, 19 thousand tons of blue fin tuna were caught domestically and 5% of the domestic catches were from Aomori Prefecture. The blue fin tuna from Aomori is characterized by its has high reputation in the market. In 2001, a 202-kilogram blue fin tuna from Oma City, Aomori was sold at as high as 20.2 million yen in the Tokyo’s tuna wholesale market.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。

 

添削後の文章

 

Japan is the top tuna consuming country in the world. The Food and Agriculture Organization (FAO) says that out of a little over two million tons of world’s total catches in 2005, a quarter of the catches or 530 thousand tons of tuna, were eaten up by the Japanese. Of the 530 thousand tons, 44 thousand tons were accounted for by blue fin tuna, a byword for high quality tuna. Further, 19 thousand tons of blue fin tuna were caught domestically and 5% of the domestic catches were from Aomori Prefecture. The blue fin tuna from Aomori has high reputation in the market. In 2001, a 202-kilogram blue fin tuna from Oma City, Aomori was sold at as high as 20.2 million yen in the Tokyo’s tuna wholesale market.

 

 

読者からの投稿 3(Speedy, 18 April 09

 

Japanese is the biggest consumer of tuna in the world. The FAO stated that in 2005 Japanese consumed 530 thousands tons of tuna which represented one forth of world’s total tuna catch (over 2 million tons). 44 thousand tons of black tuna, which enjoys the reputation of the best tuna, was supplied to the domestic market. The total domestic catch of black tuna, excluding imports, was 19 thousand tons and 5 percent of it came from Aomori Prefecture. Black tuna coming from Aomori Prefecture feathers high reputation in fish market. At the Tokyo Fish Market, black tuna (202 kilograms) coming from Ohma City, Aomori Prefecture, was sold at 20.2 million yen in 2001.

 

添削

 

Japanese Japan is the biggest consumer of tuna in the world. The Food and Agriculture Organization (FAO) stated that in 2005 Japanese Japan consumed 530 thousands tons of tuna which represented one forth of the world’s total tuna catch (over 2 million tons). Out of that, 44 thousand tons of black tuna, which enjoys the reputation of the best kind of tuna, was supplied to the domestic market. The total domestic catch of black tuna, excluding imports, was 19 thousand tons and 5 percent of it came from Aomori Prefecture. Black tuna coming from Aomori Prefecture feathers fetch a high price reputation in the fish market. At the Tokyo Fish Market, one black tuna (about 202 kilograms) coming from Ohma City, Aomori Prefecture, was sold at 20.2 million yen in 2001.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。

 

もう10年以上も前のことになりますが、米国オレゴン州の海岸を車で旅行したことがあります。小さな町の漁港で船から上がったばかりのマグロ(長さ1メートル位)をまるごと買いました。テントを車に積んでのキャンプ旅行だったのでマグロは刺身にして醤油とワサビで食べました。

 

添削後の文章

 

Japan is the biggest consumer of tuna in the world. The Food and Agriculture Organization (FAO) stated that in 2005 Japan consumed 530 thousand tons of tuna which represented one forth of the world’s total tuna catch (over 2 million tons). Out of that, 44 thousand tons of black tuna, which enjoys the reputation of the best kind of tuna, was supplied to the domestic market. The total domestic catch of black tuna, excluding imports, was 19 thousand tons and 5 percent of it came from Aomori Prefecture. Black tuna coming from Aomori Prefecture fetch a high price in the fish market. At the Tokyo Fish Market, one black tuna (about 202 kilograms) coming from Ohma City, Aomori Prefecture, was sold at 20.2 million yen in 2001.

 

 

読者からの投稿 2(岩ちゃん、25 June 08

 

Japan is world's largest consumer of tuna. According to FOA, Japanese ate one fourth ( about 530 thousand tons) of world's gross fish catches (2000 thousand tons) in 2005. Bluefin is a representative of high-class tuna. The supply of bluefin in Japan was about 440 thousand tons in weight. The fish catches of bluefin in Japan except imported one were 19 thousand tons in weight. About 5 % of them are fished in Aomori Prefecture. Bluefin from Aomori Prefecture has always high popularity in the market. Bluefin (202 kg) at Oma in Aomori Prefecture was priced at 20,200,000 yen in Tokyo market.

 

添削

 

Japan is world's largest consumer of tuna. According to the Food and Agriculture Organization (FOA), the Japanese people ate one -fourth ( about 530 thousand tons) of world's total gross tuna fish catches (2,000 thousand tons) in 2005. The Bluefin tuna is a representative of high-quality class tuna. The supply of bluefin tuna in Japan was is about 440 thousand tons in weight of which . The fish catches of bluefin in Japan except imported one were 19 thousand tons are caught around Japan and the rest imported from overseas2in weight. About 5 % of the domestic Bluefin tuna are caught them are fished in Aomori Prefecture3. The Bluefin tuna from Aomori Prefecture has always has a high price popularity in the market. A Bluefin (202 kg) from at Oma in Aomori Prefecture was once priced at 20,200,000 yen in the Tokyo Wholesale Fish mMarket4.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の概略はわかりますが、わからないところがあります。

 

1.       これは現在の状況なので現在形にします。

 

2.       こうすると近海ものとそれ以外のものの関係がはっきりします。国内漁獲量のいうものが正確にはどのように定義してあるのか知らないので、ここでは日本の近海で漁獲したもの、にしておきました。

 

3.       青森県で獲れた魚、の表現も難しいですね。ここではマグロの話をしているので海の魚に限ってみます。青森県沖の近くの海で釣って青森県の漁港で水揚げされるマグロ(例えば津軽海峡で釣って大間漁港に水揚げされる大間マグロ)ならthe tuna caught in the sea off the coast of Aomori Prefecture and landed at ports in the prefectureとなりますが、添削のようthe tune caught in Aomori Prefectureでよいでしょう。

 

4.       多分、築地魚市場のことでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

Japan is world's largest consumer of tuna. According to the Food and Agriculture Organization (FOA), the Japanese people ate one-fourth ( about 530 thousand tons) of world's total tuna catch (2,000 thousand tons) in 2005. The Bluefin tuna is a representative of high-quality tuna. The supply of bluefin tuna in Japan is about 440 thousand tons of which 19 thousand tons are caught around Japan and the rest imported from overseas. About 5 % of the domestic Bluefin tuna are caught in Aomori Prefecture. The Bluefin tuna from Aomori Prefecture always has a high price in the market. A Bluefin (202 kg) from Oma in Aomori Prefecture was once priced at 20,200,000 yen in the Tokyo Wholesale Fish Market.

 

 

読者からの投稿 1(あすか、5 May 07

 

Japan has been the top tuna consuming country in the world. The Food and Agriculture Organization (FAO) says Japanese people consumed about 530,000 tons of tuna in 2005, which of a quarter of worldwide's tuna catch, slightly more than two million tons. Among tuna fish, bluefin tuna is known as expensive fish and it's kind of like brand name in Japan. Bluefin tuna consumption in Japan is about 44 thousand tons, which of 19 thousand tons are domestic catch and 5 percent of them are catch in the Pacific Ocean of Aomori Prefecture in Japan. The Bluefin tuna catch in Aomori, is always high-flying fish at Japan's fish Market. In fact, a 202-kilogram bluefin tuna of Oma cape in Aomori, was priced at 20.2 million yen at the Tokyo's wholesale fish market in 2001.

 

添削

 

Japan has been the top tuna consuming country in the world. The Food and Agriculture Organization (FAO) says Japanese people consumed about 530,000 tons of tuna in 2005, which of was a quarter of worldwide's tuna catch, of1 slightly more than two million tons. Among tuna fish, bluefin tuna is known as the more expensive kind fish and is often used as the name for high-grade tune fish it's kind of like brand name2 in Japan. Bluefin tuna consumption in Japan is about 44 thousand tons, of which of 19 thousand tons are a domestic catch. About and 5 percent of the domestic catch3 comes from them are catch in the Pacific Ocean of Aomori Prefecture in Japan. The Bluefin tuna catch from in Aomori, is highly valued always high-flying fish4 at Japan's fish Mmarkets. In fact, a 202-kilogram bluefin tuna of from Oma cape in Aomori Prefecture5, was priced sold at 20.2 million yen at at the Tokyo's wholesale fish market in 2001.

 

コメント

 

1.       slightly more than two million tonsは世界の漁獲高ですが、すぐ前の句がwhich was a quarter of world’s tuna catchとなっているので、どれと(a quarter of world’s catchまたはworld’s catch)同格なのかわかり難くなります。ofをいれてはっきりするとよいでしょう。

 

2.       「高級マグロの代名詞であるクロマグロ」という表現の中身を考えると難しいですね。「高級マグロはいろいろあるが、クロマグロが最も人気がある」、「高級マグロはいろいろあるが、クロマグロで高級マグロ一般を代表する」などと説明できるでしょうか。添削では後者をとりましたが、前者だと、is most popular in Japanとなるでしょう。なお、ブランドネームは日本語で、a brand nameに「ある種類の製品の中で特別に有名なもの」という意味はありません。

 

3.       添削のようにするとこの5パーセントがなにかはっきりします。

 

4.       flying fishトビウオなので添削のようにしました。

 

5.       農作物なら産地はこの農作物の育成されたところですが、魚の産地となると海ですね。しかし一般的には「〜魚港に水揚げされた魚」と漁港の場所を使います。ここではそれに従ってtune from Oma, Aomori Prefectureとしました。

 

添削後の文章

 

Japan has been the top tuna consuming country in the world. The Food and Agriculture Organization (FAO) says Japanese people consumed about 530,000 tons of tuna in 2005, which was a quarter of world's tuna catch of slightly more than two million tons. Among tuna fish, bluefin tuna is known as the more expensive kind and is often used as the name for high-grade tune fish in Japan. Bluefin tuna consumption in Japan is about 44 thousand tons, of which 19 thousand tons are a domestic catch. About 5 percent of the domestic catch comes from Aomori Prefecture in Japan. The Bluefin tuna from Aomori is highly valued at Japan's fish markets. In fact, a 202-kilogram bluefin tuna from Oma in Aomori Prefecture was sold at 20.2 million yen at the Tokyo's wholesale fish market in 2001.

 

 

読者からの投稿 Kalo, 3 May 07

 

Japan is the world's biggest tuna consumer. Food and Agriculture Organization (FAO) says the Japanese people consumed 530,000 tons of tuna in 2005, accounting for a quarter of the world's annual fishing quota - slightly more than two million tons. Out of the 530,000 tons of domestic tuna consumption, blue fin tuna, which is expensive but popular among the Japanese people, accounted for 44,000 tons. The Japan's fishing quota of blue fin tuna amounted to 19,000 tons in 2005, and 5 percent of them came from Aomori Prefecture. Blue fin tuna caught of Aomori Prefecture are highly valued in the market. In fact, a 202-kilogram blue fin tuna caught of Oma, Aomori Prefecture sold for 20.2 million yen at the Tokyo's wholesale fish market in 2001.

  

添削

 

Japan is the world's biggest tuna consumer. The Food and Agriculture Organization (FAO) says the Japanese people consumed 530,000 tons of tuna in 2005, accounting for a quarter of the world's annual tuna catch of1 fishing quota - slightly more than two million tons. Out of the 530,000 tons of domestic tuna consumption, blue fin tuna, which is expensive but popular among the Japanese people2, accounted for 44,000 tons. The Japan's fishing quota of bBlue fin tuna caught around the Japanese islands3 amounted to 19,000 tons in 2005, and 5 percent of them came from Aomori Prefecture. Blue fin tuna caught of from Aomori Prefecture are highly valued in the market. In fact4, a 202-kilogram blue fin tuna caught of at Oma, Aomori Prefecture sold for 20.2 million yen at the Tokyo's wholesale fish market in 2001.

 

コメント

 

1.       数字の多いので、どの数字がなにをさすか明確に読者にしらせる工夫が必要な分作用です。Japanese people consumed 530,000 tons of tuna in 2005, accounting for a quarter of the world's annual fishing quota - slightly more than two million tons.はうっかりすると下線部分をa quarter of the world's annual fishing quotaと同格と読んでしまいます。添削のようにするとよいでしょう。a quotaは割当量です。今年になってからある種のマグロの年間漁獲割当量an annual quota for fish catchが導入されましたが、この日本文では単に漁獲量のことを言ったいます。

 

2.       「高級マグロの代名詞であるクロマグロ」をblue fin tuna, which is expensive but popular among Japanese peopleと言い換えて説明してあるのでわかりやすいですね。

 

3.       「国内漁獲量」は「日本近海で取れた漁獲量」にしました。「国内」が果たして近海漁業だけのものか、または日本の船籍を持つ漁船が世界中の海で獲ったものかわかりません。

 

4.       In fact,という文の始まりが前の文の内容の続きであることを強調していて効果的です。

 

添削後の文章

 

Japan is the world's biggest tuna consumer. The Food and Agriculture Organization (FAO) says Japanese people consumed 530,000 tons of tuna in 2005, accounting for a quarter of the world's tuna catch of slightly more than two million tons. Out of the 530,000 tons of domestic tuna consumption, blue fin tuna, which is expensive but popular among Japanese people, accounted for 44,000 tons. Blue fin tuna caught around the Japanese islands amounted to 19,000 tons in 2005 and 5 percent of them came from Aomori Prefecture. Blue fin tuna from Aomori Prefecture are highly valued in the market. In fact, a 202-kilogram blue fin tuna caught at Oma, Aomori Prefecture sold for 20.2 million yen at the Tokyo's wholesale fish market in 2001.

 

 

初級練習問題添削 437

 

鹿児島県の芋焼酎の原料となるサツマイモは農家から直接、蔵元に運び込まれ、すぐに製造工程に入る。機械で水洗いして土を落とし、ベルトコンベヤーへ。両脇に女性従業員が並び、ひとつずつ手に取って見る。傷んでいる部分があれば包丁で切り落とす。不良な芋を通してしまえば、すぐ焼酎のにおいに表れる。芋の選別作業は、焼酎造りで最初の関門である。

 

読者からの投稿 6(Lucca, 8 March 15

 

Imo-syochu which is a popular distilled spirit in Kagoshima Prefecture is made from sweet potatoes. Sweet potatoes are transported directly from farms to a brewery. In the brewery, potatoes are washed by a machine immediately after the arrival and placed on a conveyer belt. Then, female employees lining up on both sides of the belt carefully check the potatoes one by one and cut off their damaged parts. As potatoes with damages ruin the aroma of the imo-syochu, ensuring a good quality of potatoes is the first important process to make good imo-syocyu.

 

添削

 

Imo-syochu which is a popular distilled spirit in Kagoshima Prefecture is made from sweet potatoes. Sweet potatoes are transported directly from farms to a brewery. In the brewery, potatoes are washed by a machine immediately after the arrival and placed on a conveyer belt. Then, female employees lining up on both sides of the belt carefully check the potatoes one by one and cut off their damaged parts. As potatoes with damages ruin the aroma of the imo-syochu, ensuring the a good1 quality of potatoes is the first important process to make good imo-syocyu.

 

コメント

 

内容のすべてがわかります。わかりやすい文章です。

 

1.       この文脈ではthe quality of potatoesで「高品質のジャガイモ」とわかります。

 

添削後の文章

 

Imo-syochu which is a popular distilled spirit in Kagoshima Prefecture is made from sweet potatoes. Sweet potatoes are transported directly from farms to a brewery. In the brewery, potatoes are washed by a machine immediately after the arrival and placed on a conveyer belt. Then, female employees lining up on both sides of the belt carefully check the potatoes one by one and cut off their damaged parts. As potatoes with damages ruin the aroma of the imo-syochu, ensuring the quality of potatoes is the first important process to make good imo-syocyu.

 

 

読者からの投稿 5(mxtomi, 12 April 11

 

Sweet potatoes are shipped from farmers directly to distilleries, where they are soon put into the production process of Imo-shochu, a popular distilled spirit in Kagoshima Prefecture. They are machine-washed to remove the dirt and sent to a conveyer-belt. Female employees sitting along either side of the conveyer-belt then pick up each of them for screening. When these checkers find any spoiled parts on the potatoes, they immediately cut off the spoiled parts. If off-specification potatoes are passed over unnoticed to following processes, the aroma of the finished products will be spoiled. The screening process of potatoes is the first hurdle that must be cleared to produce quality Imo-shochu.

 

添削

 

Sweet potatoes for Imo-shochu1, a popular distilled spirit in Kagoshima Prefecture, are shipped from farmers directly to distilleries, where they are soon put into the production process of Imo-shochu, a popular distilled spirit in Kagoshima Prefecture. They are machine-washed to remove the dirt and sent to a conveyer-belt. Female employees sitting standing2 along either both sides of the conveyer-belt then pick up each of them for screening. When these checkers find any spoiled parts on the potatoes, they immediately cut off the spoiled parts. If off-specification potatoes with spoiled parts are missed and sent passed over unnoticed to the following processes, the aroma of the finished products will be spoiled. The screening process of potatoes is the first hurdle that must be cleared to produce quality Imo-shochu.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       芋焼酎が文章の最初に出ている方が文章の主題がわかりやすいでしょう。

 

2.       実際には椅子に座って作業をしているかもしれませんが、仕事中だ、という表現にはstandingが使われます。

 

添削後の文章

 

Sweet potatoes for Imo-shochu, a popular distilled spirit in Kagoshima Prefecture, are shipped from farmers directly to distilleries. They are machine-washed to remove the dirt and sent to a conveyer-belt. Female employees standing along both sides of the conveyer-belt then pick up each of them for screening. When these checkers find any spoiled parts on the potatoes, they immediately cut off the spoiled parts. If potatoes with spoiled parts are missed and sent to the following processes, the aroma of the finished products will be spoiled. The screening process of potatoes is the first hurdle that must be cleared to produce quality Imo-shochu.

 

 

読者からの投稿 4(Speedy, 25 April 09

 

Imo-syochu, one of the distilled spirits, in Kagoshima Prefecture is made from sweet potato. Sweet potatoes are carried from farm house directly and the making process starts soon in a brewery. After cleaning off sweet potatoes by machine, they are placed on a conveyer belt. Female employees lining up on both sides of the conveyor belt check each potato carefully and chop off any damaging parts of the potato. If the employees miss any damaging potatoes, the aroma of imo-syochu would be spoiled. Checking the quality of sweet potatoes is the first step for making good imo-syochu.

 

添削

 

Imo-syochu, one of the distilled spirits popular, in Kagoshima Prefecture, is made from sweet potatoes. Sweet potatoes are carried directly from farms house directly to a brewery and the production making process starts immediately soon in a brewery. After cleaning off sSweet potatoes are first washed by a machine, then they are placed on a conveyer belt1. Female employees lining up on both sides of the conveyor belt check each potato carefully and chop off any damaginged parts of the potato. If the employees miss any damaginged potatoes are left unchecked and used for imo-shochu, they will spoil the aroma of imo-syochu would be spoiled1. Checking the quality of sweet potatoes is the first step for making good imo-syochu.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかりますが、添削のようにすると内容が正確になります。

 

1.       After (employees) cleaning off sweet potatoes by machine, they (sweet potatoes) are placed on a conveyer belt. というように従属節と主節の主語が異なると内容がわかり難いので、添削のように統一します。

 

添削後の文章

 

Imo-syochu, one of the distilled spirits popular in Kagoshima Prefecture, is made from sweet potatoes. Sweet potatoes are carried directly from farms to a brewery and the production  process starts immediately . Sweet potatoes are first washed by a machine, then they are placed on a conveyer belt. Female employees lining up on both sides of the conveyor belt check each potato carefully and chop off any damaged parts. If any damaged potatoes are left unchecked and used for imo-shochu, they will spoil the aroma of imo-syochu. Checking the quality of sweet potatoes is the first step for making good imo-syochu.

 

 

読者からの投稿 3(岩ちゃん、26 June 08

 

Imo-shochu in Kagoshima Prefecture is made from sweet potatoes. Sweet potatoes harvested at a farmer are directly carried to a manufacturer. After dropping soil from sweet potatoes with water, they are put on a conveyer.

 

Female workers at the both sides of the conveyer check every sweet potato. If they find scratched one, they cut off its part with a knife. As bad sweet potatoes give a bad smell to shochu, the first inspection to produce shochu is to select bad sweet potatoes.

 

添削

 

Imo-shochu (a kind of distilled spirit) in Kagoshima Prefecture is made from sweet potatoes. Sweet potatoes harvested in the field at a farmer are directly brought into carried to a manufacturering plant. After cleaning dropping soil from sweet potatoes of soil with water, they are put placed on a conveyer.

 

Female workers lined at the both sides of the conveyer check every sweet potato. If they find any spoiled part scratched on the potato one, they cut off the part off its part with a knife. As spoiled bad sweet potatoes give a bad smell to shochu, the first step inspection to produce shochu is to select sort out bad spoiled sweet potatoes.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容のほぼ総てがわかりますが、肝心なimo-shochuが何かわかりません。この添削講座の英文は英語を日常使う人を読者と想定しているので日本語の名詞をそのまま英文で使うときは内容を英語で説明する必要があります。

 

1.       「傷んでいる部分」は傷だけではないのでしょうからany spoiled partとするのがよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

Imo-shochu (a kind of distilled spirit) in Kagoshima Prefecture is made from sweet potatoes. Sweet potatoes harvested in the field are directly brought into to a manufacturing plant. After cleaning sweet potatoes of soil with water, they are placed on a conveyer.

 

Female workers lined at both sides of the conveyer check every sweet potato. If they find any spoiled part on the potato, they cut the part off with a knife. As spoiled sweet potatoes give a bad smell to shochu, the first step to produce shochu is to sort out spoiled sweet potatoes.

 

 

読者からの投稿 2(Kalo, 18 May 07

 

Imo Jochu (a type of distilled liquor) is a famous local product of Kagoshima Prefecture. As imo Jochu is made only from newly harvested sweat potatoes, they need to be processed shortly after delivered from farms. Brewers wash sweat potatoes by machine to remove dirt and put them on a conveyor belt. Then, female workers standing in a row at both sides of the belt conveyor pick up and check every single sweat potato to cut off damaged parts of it with a knife. Once damaged parts are overlooked and used, they will spoil the distinctive aroma of Imo Jochu. That's why choosing sweat potatoes with great care is the first important step in producing tasty Imo Jochu, the brewers say.

 

添削

 

Imo Jochu (a type of distilled liquor)1 is a famous local product of Kagoshima Prefecture. As imo Jochu is made only from newly harvested sweat sweet potatoes, they sweet pototoes need to be processed shortly after being2 delivered from farms to distilleries3. At distilleries Brewers sweet potatoes4 are washed sweat potatoes by machine to remove dirt and are placed put them on a conveyor belt. Then, female workers standing in a row at both sides of the belt conveyor belt pick up and check every single sweat sweet potato to cut off damaged parts of it with a knife. Once the damaged parts are overlooked and used, they will spoil the distinctive aroma of Imo Jochu. That's why choosing sweat sweet potatoes with great care is the first important step in producing tasty Imo Jochu, the brewers distillers say.

 

コメント

 

1.       芋焼酎の説明が入っていてよいですね。私も五年前に鹿児島市の居酒屋でサツマアゲと地鶏の焼き鳥を食べながら芋焼酎をいろいろと飲んでみました。

 

2.       動名詞を使った従属節なのでafter being deliveredとします。

 

3.       芋焼酎は蒸留酒ですからdistilleriesにします。

 

4.       前の文の主節でサツマイモが主語になっているので、この文もサツマイモを主語にすると読みやすくなります。

 

添削後の文章

 

Imo Jochu (a type of distilled liquor) is a famous local product of Kagoshima Prefecture. As imo Jochu is made only from newly harvested sweet potatoes, sweet potatoes need to be processed shortly after being delivered from farms to distilleries. At distilleries sweet potatoes are washed by machine to remove dirt and are placed on a conveyor belt. Then, female workers standing in a row at both sides of the conveyor belt pick up and check every single sweet potato to cut off damaged parts with a knife. Once the damaged parts are overlooked and used, they will spoil the distinctive aroma of Imo Jochu. That's why choosing sweet potatoes with great care is the first important step in producing tasty Imo Jochu, distillers say.

 

 

読者からの投稿 1(あすか、8 May 07

 

"Imo-jochu" is a distilled alcoholic beverage made from sweet potato. Also, it is special local product in Kagoshima Prefecture, Japan. The sweet potato which is raw material of imo-jochu deliver straight to sake breweries from farmers, and right away they are produced imo-jochu by brewery process. First, rinse off the sweet potatoes' dirt in water using machines, place them on the conveyor belt. Female employees line up each side of the conveyor belt looking at each potato carefully, taking out any with bad spots and cut them off. If they miss bad potato once, the aroma of imo-jochu will be change quickly. The selection of sweet potato is the first step of difficulty for making imo-jochu.

 

添削

 

"Imo-jochu" is a distilled alcoholic beverage made from sweet potatoes1. Also, iIt is a special local product in Kagoshima Prefecture, Japan. The sSweet potatoes2 which are is raw material used for of imo-jochu are delivered straight to sake breweries from farmers, and right away they are put into the produced imo-jochu by production brewery process right away. First, rinse off the dirt from sweet potatoes' dirt in the water using machines,and place them on the conveyor belt. Then,3 Ffemale employees line lining up each on both sides of the conveyor belt examine4 looking at each potato carefully and, chop off taking out any with bad damaged parts of the potato spots and cut them off. If they miss any damaged bad potato once, the aroma of imo-jochu will be spoiled change quickly. Checking the quality The selection5 of sweet potatoes is the first crucial step of difficulty for making good imo-jochu.

 

コメント

 

1.       芋焼酎の説明が入っていてよいですね。サツマイモを醸造してそれから蒸留したのが芋焼酎ですから、a distilled alcoholic beverageですね。

 

2.       「鹿児島県の芋焼酎の原料となるサツマイモは」という内容で、このサツマイモは鹿児島県の芋焼酎の原料にだけ使う特別なもの、という解釈も出来ますが、ほかにも芋焼酎はあるので、あすかさんのように「芋焼酎はサツマイモが原料だ」という簡単な解釈がよいでしょう。すでに前の文でpotatoesが出ていますが、この文でもサツマイモ一般のことを言っているので定冠詞をつけないのがよいでしょう。

 

3.       前の文二つが、命令形なので、ここでthenを入れると文章の流れがよくなります。

 

4.       Female employees ~ examine and chop potatoes.examinechopを動詞形で使ったほうが動作の印象が強くなります。

 

5.       the selection of potatoesとすると、悪いサツマイモを取り除く選別をする、という印象になります。ここでは悪い部分だけを取り除くので、添削のようにしました。

 

添削後の文章

 

"Imo-jochu" is a distilled alcoholic beverage made from sweet potatoes. It is a special local product in Kagoshima Prefecture, Japan. Sweet potatoes which are used for imo-jochu are delivered straight to sake breweries from farmers and put into the production process right away. First, rinse off the dirt from sweet potatoes in the machine and place them on the conveyor belt. Then, female employees lining up on both sides of the conveyor belt examine  each potato carefully and chop off any damaged parts of the potato. If they miss any damaged potato, the aroma of imo-jochu will be spoiled . Checking the quality of sweet potatoes is the first crucial step for making good imo-jochu.

 

 

初級練習問題添削 438

 

消防庁がまとめた2007年3月22日現在の今冬の雪による東北地方の高齢者(65歳以上)の死亡事故は全部で28人、被害状況別に見ると除雪中に屋根から転落が最も多くて13人、除雪中に雪の埋もれるが8人、除雪中に病気で倒れる(心臓麻痺、脳卒中など)が5人となっている。

 

読者からの投稿 7(Lucca, 8 March 15

 

The Fire and Disaster Management Agency had compiled a report on death accidents caused by snow in the Tohoku Region this winter. As of 22 March, 2007, the fatalities of elderly aged 65 and over was 28 people. Death accidents happened while they were removing snow. As for the details, 13 people fell from the roof of their house, 8 people were buried under the snow and 5 people died from a heart attack, stroke or other illnesses.

 

添削

 

The Fire and Disaster Management Agency had has1 compiled a report on fatal death accidents caused by snow in the Tohoku Region this winter. As of 22 March, 2007, the number of fatalities of elderly aged 65 and over was 28 people. Death The fatal accidents happened while they were removing snow. As for the details, 13 people fell from the roof of their house, 8 people were buried under the snow and 5 people died from a heart attack, stroke or other illnesses.

 

コメント

 

内容のすべてがわかります。

 

1.       過去のある期間についての報告ですが、報告自体は完成したばかりなのでhas completedにします。

 

添削後の文章

 

The Fire and Disaster Management Agency has compiled a report on fatal accidents caused by snow in the Tohoku Region this winter. As of 22 March, 2007, the number of fatalities of elderly aged 65 and over was 28. The fatal accidents happened while they were removing snow. As for the details, 13 people fell from the roof of their house, 8 people were buried under the snow and 5 people died from a heart attack, stroke or other illnesses.

 

 

読者からの投稿 6(mxtomi, 12 April 11

 

According to a report compiled by the Fire and Disaster Management Agency, a total of 28 elderly people (65 years old and older) in the Tohoku district have been killed in snow-related accidents as of March 22, 2007. All of these accidents occurred while they were removing the snow. By cause of death, 13 people fell down from the roof, the most common cause of the tragedies, 8 people were buried under the snow and 5 people died from a sudden attack of their chronic diseases such as a heart failure or stroke.

 

添削

 

According to a report statistics compiled by the Fire and Disaster Management Agency, a total of 28 elderly people (65 years old and older) in the Tohoku district have been killed in snow-related accidents this winter as of March 22, 2007. All of these accidents occurred while they were removing the snow. By the cause of death, 13 people fell down from the roof, the most common cause of the tragedies, 8 people were buried under the snow and 5 people died from a sudden attack of their chronic diseases such as a heart failure or stroke.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。

 

According to statistics compiled by the Fire and Disaster Management Agency, a total of 28 elderly people (65 years old and older) in the Tohoku district have been killed in snow-related accidents this winter as of March 22, 2007. All of these accidents occurred while they were removing the snow. By the cause of death, 13 people fell down from the roof, the most common cause of the tragedies, 8 people were buried under the snow and 5 people died from a sudden attack of their chronic diseases such as a heart failure or stroke.

 

 

読者からの投稿 5(Speedy, 5 May 09

 

As of March 22, 2007, according to a report by the Fire and Disaster Management Agency, the total of 28 elderly people (over the age of 65) have died in the Tohoku region this winter season. The report says that death accident happened while clearing snow. 13 people fell from the roof of their house, which was the most frequent cause of death, 8 people were buried under snow after falling off the roof, and 5 people died from a heart attack, stroke or other illnesses. 

 

添削

 

As of March 22, 2007, according to a report by the Fire and Disaster Management Agency, the a total of 28 elderly people (over the age of 65) have died in the accidents caused by snow in the Tohoku region this winter season. The report says that death the accidents happened while clearing the snow. Thirteen1 13 people fell from the roof of their house, which was the most frequent cause of death, eight 8 people were buried under the2 snow after falling off the roof, and five 5 people died from a heart attack, stroke or other illnesses while clearing the snow. 

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかりますが、最初の文に「雪に関連した事故で」を入れるとよいでしょう。

 

1.       文の始めを数字にすると、ここが文の始まりとわかり難いので添削のように英単語にするとよいでしょう。他の数字はこの例にあわせました。

 

2.       snowは物質名詞ですがこのような場合は定冠詞を付けて使います。

 

添削後の文章

 

As of March 22, 2007, according to a report by the Fire and Disaster Management Agency, a total of 28 elderly people (over the age of 65) have died in the accidents caused by snow in the Tohoku region this winter. The report says that the accidents happened while clearing the snow. Thirteen people fell from the roof of their house, which was the most frequent cause of death, eight people were buried under the snow after falling off the roof, and five people died from a heart attack, stroke or other illnesses while clearing the snow. 

 

 

読者からの投稿 4(岩ちゃん、28 June 08

 

The Fire and Disaster Management Agency compiled fatal snow accidents of more than 65 years old elderly people in Tohoku district this winter as of 22 March 2007. The people who was killed in accidents were 28 in number. According to its breakdown, 13 people fell down from the roof, 8 people were buried under snow and 5 people died of diseases such as a cardiac paralysis and a stroke while removing snow.

 

添削

 

The Fire and Disaster Management Agency compiled fatal snow accidents of people aged more than 65 years and older old elderly people in the Tohoku district this winter. aAs of 22 March 2007., The a total of 28 people were who was killed in snow-related accidents were 28 in number.: According to its breakdown,1 13 people fell down from the roof, 8 people were buried under the2 snow and 5 people died of diseases such as a cardiac paralysis and a stroke while removing the snow.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       コロンで文をつなげて内訳を列記する方法があります。

 

2.       雪一般でなく、この話題にでてくる雪という意味で定冠詞を付けます。

 

添削後文章

 

The Fire and Disaster Management Agency compiled fatal snow accidents of people aged  65 years and older in the Tohoku district this winter. As of 22 March 2007, a total of 28 people were killed in snow-related accidents: 13 people fell down from the roof, 8 people were buried under the snow and 5 people died of diseases such as a cardiac paralysis and a stroke while removing the snow.

 

 

読者からの投稿 3(YMA, 15 May 08

 

According an investigation about fatal accidents of this winter performed by the Fire and Disaster Management Agency, a total of 28 elderly people at the age of 65 or more in the Tohoku District have died until March 22. Detailed causes of death are as follows. Falling off from the roof while removing the snow, which killed 13 people, was at the top. Eight people died from being buried by snow and five people died of a heart attack, stroke or other illnesses.  

 

添削

 

According an investigation by the Fire and Disaster Management Agency about into fatal accidents while removing the snow of this winter performed by the Fire and Disaster Management Agency, a total of 28 elderly people at the age of 65 or and over more in the Tohoku District have died until March 22 in the Tohoku district. Detailed The causes of death are were1 as follows.: Falling off from the roof while removing the snow (13 people), which killed 13 people, was at the top. Eight people died from being buried under the snow (eight people), by snow and five people died of a heart attacks, strokes or other illnesses (five people).  

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。「雪による」は「除雪作業中に」ということでしょうから最初に文に入れるとよいでしょう。こうすうると、死亡原因は添削のように列記できます。

 

1.       文章全体の時制を合わせます。

 

添削後の文章

 

According an investigation by the Fire and Disaster Management Agency into fatal accidents while removing the snow this winter, a total of 28 elderly people at the age of 65 and over  have died until March 22 in the Tohoku district. The causes of death were as follows: Falling off from the roof (13 people), buried under the snow (eight people), and heart attacks, strokes or other illnesses (five people).  

 

 

読者からの投稿 2(Kalo, 8 May 07

 

As of March 22, 2007, a total of 28 elderly people have died in snow-related accidents in the Tohoku region this winter, according to a report by the Fire and Disaster Management Agency. The report says these people were over the age of 65 and all died while clearing snow from roofs. Thirteen people fell to their deaths from the roof of their houses, which was the most frequent cause. Eight people froze or suffocated to death after falling off the roof and being stuck in cleared snow on the ground. And five people died from heart attack, stroke and other sudden illnesses. 

 

添削

 

As of March 22, 2007, a total of 28 elderly people have died in snow-related accidents in the Tohoku region this winter, according to a report by the Fire and Disaster Management Agency1. The report says these people were over the age of 65 and all died while clearing snow from roofs. Thirteen people fell to their deaths from the roof of their houses, which was the most frequent cause of death ., Eeight people froze or suffocated to death after falling off the roof and being buried under the snow stuck in cleared snow on the ground., Aand five people died from a heart attack, stroke or and other sudden illnesses2. 

 

コメント

 

1.       「消防庁がまとめた2007年3月22日現在の今冬の雪による東北地方の高齢者(65歳以上)の死亡事故は全部で28人」は「28人が事故で死亡した」Twenty-eight people died in accidents.が要旨で、あとは状況の説明をどのように文に入れるかが問題になります。Kaloさんは「雪による事故で、高齢者が」を 文に入れて、Twenty-eight elderly people died in snow-related accidents. としてから残りの情報を整理しています。 「2007年3月22日現在の今冬」を2007年3月22日現在、と今冬にわけて文に入れているので文がわかりやすくなっています。

 

2.       幾つかの事故の状況を並べて一文で説明したほうがわかりやすいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

As of March 22, 2007, a total of 28 elderly people have died in snow-related accidents in the Tohoku region this winter, according to a report by the Fire and Disaster Management Agency. The report says these people were over the age of 65 and all died while clearing snow. Thirteen people fell from the roof of their house, which was the most frequent cause of death, eight people froze or suffocated to death after falling off the roof and being buried under the snow, and five people died from a heart attack, stroke or other sudden illnesses. 

 

 

読者からの投稿 1(あすか、8 May 07

 

The Fire and Disaster Management Agency had reported current result of a total snow-related fatal accidents as of March 22, 2007 for the people who are 65 years and older, were twenty-eight in the Tohoku region this winter. As cases of the accidents, thirteen people slid down the roof of their house, eight people were buried in snow and five people fell sick having such a heart attack or stroke clearing away snow.

 

添削

 

The Fire and Disaster Management Agency had reported a summary of1 current result of a total snow-related fatal accidents as of March 22, 2007 this winter for the people who are were 65 years and older, were twenty-eight in the Tohoku region this winter. There were twenty-eight fatal accidents: As cases of the accidents, thirteen people slid down the roof of their house, eight people were buried under the in snow and five people had fell sick having such a heart attack or stroke while clearing away snow.

 

1.       どのような統計なのかの説明が長いので、この文ではa summary of snow-related fatal accidents ~.として、次の文にThere were twenty-eight fatal accidents: ~.としたほうが内容の整理がうまくできます。

 

添削後の文章

 

The Fire and Disaster Management Agency reported a summary of snow-related fatal accidents as of March 22, 2007 this winter for the people who were 65 years and older in the Tohoku region. There were twenty-eight fatal accidents: thirteen people slid down the roof of their house, eight people were buried under the snow and five people had a heart attack or stroke while clearing away snow.

 

 

初級練習問題添削 439

 

わたしは家は賃貸がいいと思う。賃貸はとにかく身軽で場所でも間取りでも、その時に一番欲しい環境を手軽に得られる。たとえ騒音問題その他に悩まされても、簡単に逃げ出すことができる。わたしの場合は遺産を残してやるべき子供もいないので、「賃貸だといくらお金を払っても財産にはならないからちょっと…」という気持ちもない。

 

読者からの投稿 7(だっち、18 August 15

 

I think that rental house is more cost effective than own-house. We can choose a rental house flexible; We can easily secure the most favorable environment for us in the situation regarding to place and layout of the rental house. Even if we are annoyed by noise problems, we can change our houses easily. I never feel that owning a house might be better because renting a house will never be my asset. This is because I do not have a child, who would inherit my legacy from me.

 

添削

 

I think that rental renting1 a house is more cost effective than owning -–a house. We can choose a rental house flexibley; Wwe can easily secure the most favorable environment that is the most favorable for us now in the situation regarding to its place and layout of the rental house. Even if we are annoyed by noise problems, we can change our houses easily. I never think2 feel that owning a house might be better because renting a house will never build be my an asset. This is because I do not have a child, who would inherits3 my asset legacy from me.

 

コメント

 

内容のすべてがわかります。

 

1.       元のままでもよいですが、動詞句にしたほうが印象が強くなります。

 

2.       ここではfeelより内容のあるthinkがよいでしょう。

 

3.       未来のことというより、「遺産を受け取る子供」という一般的な説明なので現在形を使います。

 

添削後の文章

 

I think that renting a house is more cost effective than owning a house. We can choose a rental house flexibly; we can easily secure the environment that is the most favorable for us now regarding its place and layout. Even if we are annoyed by noise problems, we can change our house easily. I never think that owning a house might be better because renting a house will never build an asset. This is because I do not have a child who inherits my asset .

 

 

読者からの投稿 6(Lucca, 22 March 15

 

I prefer renting a house rather than owning a house. Renting a house enables me to choose locations and room layouts according to my requirements at any given time. If I have problems such as noises, I can easily move to another house. Some people say that a rent house does not become their property no matter how long they keep on paying. As I have no children who inherit my property, I do not need to leave a house for them.

 

添削

 

I prefer renting a house rather than owning a house. Renting a house enables me to choose locations and room layouts according to my requirements at any given time. If I have problems such as noises in the neighborhood, I can easily move to another house. Some people say that a rented house does not become their property no matter how long they keep on paying rents. As I have no children who will inherit my property, I do not need to leave a house for them.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。素直な読みやすい文章です。

 

添削後の文章

 

I prefer renting a house rather than owning a house. Renting a house enables me to choose locations and room layouts according to my requirements at any given time. If I have problems such as noises in the neighborhood, I can easily move to another house. Some people say that a rented house does not become their property no matter how long they keep on paying rents. As I have no children who will inherit my property, I do not need to leave a house for them.

 

読者からの投稿 5(mxtomi, 13 April 11

 

I like leasing a house better than owning it. Leasing is anyway flexible, allowing you to readily obtain any housing environment you desire at any specific time, whatever it may be a location or a floor plan. If you are annoyed by a noise problem or suchlike, you can pull up stakes with no hassles. As I have no children to leave my legacy to, it never crossed my mind that no matter how much money I pay as a rent, the leased house would never become an asset for them.

 

添削

 

I like leasing a house better than owning it. Leasing is anyway flexible, allowing you me1 to readily obtain any the best2 housing environment for you me desire at any specific time in my life,. For example, I can choose3 whatever it may be a location and or a floor plan. If I am you are annoyed by a noise problem or suchlike, I you can pull up stakes with no hassles. As I have no children to leave my legacy to, it has never crossed my mind that the rent I pay will be wasted4 because no matter how much money I pay for as a rent, the leased house would never become my an asset for them.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       I like leasing ~.と始まる文章なのでI  で統一します。

 

2.       any housing environmentよりthe best housing environmentが具体的でわかりやすくなります。

 

3.       次の文に続くには、ここから新しい文にしたほうがよいでしょう。

 

4.       この説明があるとわかりやすいでしょう。子供に残す財産という意味合いがあるようですが、ここでは単に財産にならない、にしました。

 

添削後の文章

 

I like leasing a house better than owning it. Leasing is flexible, allowing me to readily obtain the best housing environment for me at any specific time in my life. For example, I can choose a location and a floor plan. If I am annoyed by a noise problem or suchlike, I can pull up stakes with no hassles. As I have no children to leave my legacy to, it has never crossed my mind that the rent I pay will be wasted because no matter how much money I pay for a rent, the leased house would never become my asset .

 

 

読者からの投稿 4(Speedy, 19 April

 

In my view, renting is the best option in housing. Renting a house is not complicated and one can choose the location and room layout that satisfies one’s requirement most at a given time. Even if one is bothered by problems such as noises, one can easily discontinue renting the house. As I have no children for whom I should leave my property, I never think “paying much money for renting does not help to build a fortune”.

 

添削

 

In my view, renting is the best option in for choosing housing. Renting a house is much easier than owning a house not complicated and one can choose a the location and room layout that satisfies one’s current requirements most at a given time. Even if If one is bothered by problems such as noises1, one can easily discontinue renting the house and move to a new location. As I have no children to for whom I should leave my property, I never think “paying much money for renting a house does not help me to build a fortune for my children”.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかりますが、添削のように文章を補足するとわかりやすくなります。日本文では明示してない内容も推察して補足するとよいでしょう。

 

1.       騒音という意味のときは不加算名詞として扱います。

 

添削後の文章

 

In my view, renting is the best option for choosing housing. Renting a house is much easier than owning a house and one can choose a location and room layout that satisfies one’s current requirements. If one is bothered by problems such as noise, one can easily discontinue renting the house and move to a new location. As I have no children to whom I should leave my property, I never think “paying money for renting a house does not help me to build a fortune for my children”.

 

 

読者からの投稿 3(岩ちゃん、30 June 08

 

My opinion is that rental houses are best for us. Rental houses are anyway convenient. We can easily get a house in circumstances such as the location and the plan of a house in which we want to live most. Even if we are bothering about noise problems and others, we will be easily able to remove from there. As I have no children to whom I want to give my properties, I have no mind that I won't live in a rental house by the reason why the house rents I had paid do not turn into my property.

 

添削

 

My opinion is that renting a rental houses1 is the are best for us. Renting a Rental houses is are anyway always convenient. We can easily get a house that is suitable for us at the time in circumstances such as the location and the floor plan of a house in which we want to live most. Even if we are bothered with2 bothering about noises problems and or others, problem, we will easily be easily able to remove to another house from there. As I have no children to whom I want to leave my house give my properties,. Therefore, I don’t mind keep paying house rents that can be used for buying my own house I have no mind that I won't live in a rental house by the reason why the house rents I had paid do not turn into my property3.

 

コメント

英文に構文上の問題があり、内容がわかりません。

 

1.       renting a house家を借りて住むこと、としたほうがわかりやすいでしょう。

 

2.       受動態になります。

 

3.       二重否定の文で内容がわかり難くなっています。添削のように内容を言い換えるとわかりやすくなります。

 

添削後の文章

 

My opinion is that renting a house is the best for us. Renting a house is always convenient. We can easily get a house that is suitable for us at the time such as the location and floor plan of a house. Even if we are bothered with noises or others problem, we will easily be able to move to another house. I have no children to whom I want to leave my house. Therefore, I don’t mind keep paying house rents that can be used for buying my own house.

 

 

読者からの投稿 2(Kalo, 17 May 07

 

Renting a house is a better option than buying. You can decide freely where, how long and what type of house to live, depending on your needs. You can also move out freely if you are annoyed by a problem such as noise created by your neighbors. These facts are not true of buying a house. Yet, some people may say renting a house wastes money, leaving their children nothing. But I don't think so. I have no children to leave property.

 

添削

 

Renting a house is a better option than buying. You can decide freely where, how long and in what type of house to live, depending on your needs. You can also move out freely if you are annoyed by a problem such as noise created by your neighbors. These facts advantages are not always available when you buy true of buying a house1. Yet, some people may say renting a house is a wastes of money2, leaving nothing to their your3 children nothing when you die. But I don't care think so4. because I have no children to leave my propertyies to.

 

コメント

 

1.       家を買うときにもある程度の選択はあるので添削のように言い換えました。日本文には借家の話しか出てきませんが、借家と持ち家の対比で内容がよくわかりますね。

 

2.       a waste of time, a waste of moneyという表現をよく使います。

 

3.       ある人が他の他人に忠告したという想定でyour childrenがよいでしょう。

 

4.       この文章を書いた人にとっては不動産はどうでもよい、ということなのでI don’t care.にしました。

 

添削後の文章

 

Renting a house is a better option than buying. You can decide freely where, how long and in what type of house to live, depending on your needs. You can also move out freely if you are annoyed by a problem such as noise created by your neighbors. These advantages are not always available when you buy a house. Yet, some people may say renting a house is a waste of money, leaving nothing to your children when you die. But I don't care because I have no children to leave my properties to.

 

 

読者からの投稿 1(あすか、12 May 07

 

I prefer to live in a rented house rather than own house because it is easy to choose the place and even the floor plan of the house with new environment where l want to live the best when I wish to move. If my new neighbour's noise or other troubles bother me, I will be able to easily get out there. I don't care about living in a rented house even though I spend money to rent or it won't be my assets. I don't have to leave my assets because I don't have any children who should take it.

 

添削

 

I prefer to live in a rented house rather than own a house1 because I can it is easyily to choose the a place and even a the floor plan of the house in with new  the best environment where l want to live at that time2. the best when I wish to move. If the location becomes noisy my new neighbour's noise or other problems arise troubles bother me3, I will be able to easily move to another place get out there. Some say that I don't care about living in a rented house even though I keep spending money to on rent and do not build up or it won't be my assets. But it is all right with me because I don't have to leave my assets because I don't have any children and do not have to leave my assets to them who should take it4.

 

コメント

 

1.       preferを使う文は添削のようにすると簡単になります。

 

2.       口語体の文は内容をいろいろに解釈できる曖昧なところが多く、英文で表現しようとすると曖昧なところを補わなくてはならないので難しいですね。「その時に一番欲しい環境を」はin the best environment where I want to live at that timeとしてみました。ライフサイクルの進行に伴い住みたい環境も変わるということでしょう。

 

3.       最初から騒音問題その他に悩まされるようなところには住まないだろう、という想像で添削のようにしました。

 

4.       添削のままで内容はわかりますが、添削では内容の順序を変えてみました。口語体の文章なので話し相手が前にいることを想像して幾つか言い方を考えて声に出して言ってみると、どれにするか選ぶのに役立ちます。

 

添削後の文章

 

I prefer to rent rather than own a house because I can easily choose a place and even a  floor plan of the house in the best environment where l want to live at that time. If the location becomes noisy or other problems arise, I will be able to easily move to another place. Some say that I keep spending money on rent and do not build up my assets. But it is all right with me because I don't have any children and do not have to leave my assets to them.

 

 

初級練習問題添削 440

 

私は学生時代、親も呆れる片付けられない女でした。しかし、今では自他共に認める綺麗好きです。きっかけは、部屋でネズミの死体を発見したことです。まずは所有物を半分に減らし、自分ルールを作りました。服は全部で50着、本も50冊、靴は10足。下着は1週間分セット、ハンカチは5枚。文房具は1種類1個、化粧品も専用ボックスに入るだけ。食器はペアで最低限。写真もネガは捨て、年賀状もアドレス控えて処分。ぬいぐるみはお気に入りの1個だけ。定数を決めたあとは、物を減らすだけ。すると部屋がスッキリしました。

 

読者からの投稿 7(Lucca, 22 March 15

 

I messed up my room when I was a student. My parents were fed up with my messy room. I changed my mind after I found a dead mouse in my room. To start with, I cut in half the quantity of my belongings. The specific example include up to 50 clothes, 50 books, 10 pairs of shoes, a set of underwear for a week and 5 handkerchiefs. As for daily goods, a kind each of stationary, a boxful of cosmetics, minimum pairs of dishes, no photo negatives, discarding New Year’s cards after I make a note of updated addresses and a favourite staffed toy. I made my own rule to keep my room clean. My rule is to set the quantity of my belongings and then to reduce them until I reach the target number. Thanks to the rule, my room is well-kept. I can now clean up my room and everyone recognises me as a tidy person.

 

添削

 

My room was always messy1 I messed up my room when I was a student. My parents were so fed up with my messy room that2 they had stopped saying anything about it a long time ago. But I changed my mind after I found a dead mouse in my room. To start with, I made my own rules to keep my room clean. My rule was to set the quantity of my belongings and then to reduce them until I reached the target number3. For Iexample, I cut in half the number quantity of my belongings. The specific examples included up to 50 clothes, 50 books, 10 pairs of shoes, a set of underwear for a week and 5 handkerchiefs. As for daily goods, one a kind each of stationary, a one boxful of cosmetics, minimum pairs of dishes, no photo negatives and just one staffed toy., I discardeding New Year’s cards after I make a note of updated their addresses and a favourite staffed toy. I made my own rule to keep my room clean. My rule is to set the quantity of my belongings and then to reduce them until I reach the target number. Thanks to the rule, now my room is well-kept. I can now clean up my room and everyone tells me that I am recognises me as a tidy person.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかりすが、 内容の順序を添削のようにするとスッキリします。

 

1.       I messed up my room.は動作の表現なので、「(何か理由があって)部屋の中をめちゃくちゃにした」となります。ここではいつもの状態なので、添削のようにするとよいでしょう。

 

2.       投稿のままだと、舌足らずの感じがするので、このような補足説明を入れるとよいでしょう。

 

3.       文章の流れとして、ここに持ってきたほうがよいでしょう。

 

添削後文章

 

My room was always messy when I was a student. My parents were so fed up with my messy room that they had stopped saying anything about it a long time ago. But I changed my mind after I found a dead mouse in my room. I made my own rules to keep my room clean. My rule was to set the quantity of my belongings and then to reduce them until I reached the target number. For example, I cut in half the number of my belongings. The specific examples included up to 50 clothes, 50 books,10 pairs of shoes, a set of underwear for a week and 5 handkerchiefs. As for daily goods, one kind each of stationary, one box of cosmetics, minimum pairs of dishes, no photo negatives and just one staffed toy. I discarded New Year’s cards after I updated their addresses. Thanks to the rule, now my room is well-kept and everyone tells me that I am a tidy person.

 

 

読者からの投稿 6(OKEN, 21 September 12

 

While in school, I was so bad at cleaning up that my parents were fed up with my behavior. But, now, I like to keep things neat and everybody admits it’s a fact. It started from that I found a dead mouse in my room. First, I reduced the volume of my personal effects by half, and I made a rule about the maximum amount of my possessions as follows. 50 Clothes in total, 50 books, and 10 shoes. Underwears set for a week. Five handkerchiefs. One per a kind for Stationery. Cosmetics up to full in a special box. Minimum number of wares in pair. For pictures, negatives were abandoned. New year cards were disposed of after checking addresses. For stuffed toys, only my favorite one was left. After those treatments, my room turned to be a clean one.

 

添削

 

While in school, I was so bad at cleaning up that my parents were fed up with me my behavior. But, now, I can like to1 keep things neat and everybody admits that I am good at it it’s a fact. I It started to change from that when I found a dead mouse in my room. First, I reduced the volume of my personal effects by half, and I made a rules about the maximum amount of my possessions as follows.;2 50 Cclothes in total, 50 books, and 10 shoes,. one set of Underwears underwear set for a week., Ffive handkerchiefs., Oone per a for each kind for of Sstationery., one box of Ccosmetics, up to full in a special box. and the Mminimum number of dishes wares in pair. For camera pictures, negatives were abandoned. New year cards were disposed of after writing down checking addresses. For stuffed toys, only my favorite one was left. After those decisions treatments, my room became very turned to be a clean one.

 

コメント

 

内容のほぼすべてがわかりますが、the minimum number of waresが何なのかわかりません。

 

1.       I was so bad…とあるので、ここでは I can keep…がよいでしょう。

 

2.       セミコロンの後に例を挙げるという構文が便利です。

 

添削後の文章

 

While in school, I was so bad at cleaning up that my parents were fed up with me . But now, I can keep things neat and everybody admits that I am good at it . I started to change when I found a dead mouse in my room. First, I reduced the volume of my personal effects by half, and I made rules about the maximum amount of my possessions as follows; 50 clothes, 50 books, 10 shoes, one set of underwear for a week, five handkerchiefs, one for each kind of stationery, one box of cosmetics, and the minimum number of dishes in pair. For camera pictures, negatives were abandoned. New year cards were disposed of after writing down  addresses. For stuffed toys, only my favorite one was left. After those decisions, my room became very clean.

 

 

読者からの投稿 5(mxtomi, 13 April 11

 

When I was a student, I used to be the kind of woman who could not straighten things up. But now everyone knows I am a neat housekeeper. My habitude started to change for the better when I saw a dead mouse in my room. The first thing I did was to establish my own rule to reduce my personal belongings by half. I set maximum inventories allowable for each of my belongings: 50 pieces of clothing, 50 books, 10 pair of shoes, a week's worth of underclothes, five handkerchiefs, one item for each kind of stationery, a box full of cosmetics, minimum pairs of plates and utensils, and a favorite stuffed toy. I threw away photograph negatives, and New Year's cards after jotting down some necessary addresses. Having decided these numbers, all I had to do was simply discard the items in excess of such maximum inventories. Soon I found my room neat and clean.

 

添削

 

When I was a student, I was used to be the kind of woman who could not straighten things up in my room. But now everyone knows I am a neat housekeeper. My habitude started to change for the better when I saw a dead mouse in my room. The first thing I did was to establish my own rule to reduce my personal belongings by half. I set maximum inventories allowable for each of my belongings: 50 pieces of clothing, 50 books, 10 pair of shoes, a week's worth of underclothes, five handkerchiefs, one item for each kind of stationery, a box full of cosmetics, minimum pairs of plates and utensils, and just one a favorite stuffed toy. I threw away photograph negatives, and New Year's cards after jotting down some necessary addresses. Having decided these numbers, all I had to do was simply discard the items in excess of such maximum inventories. Soon I found my room neat and clean.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。

 

添削後の文章

 

When I was a student, I was the kind of woman who could not straighten things up in my room. But now everyone knows I am a neat housekeeper. My habitude started to change for the better when I saw a dead mouse in my room. The first thing I did was to establish my own rule to reduce my personal belongings by half. I set maximum inventories for each of my belongings: 50 pieces of clothing, 50 books, 10 pair of shoes, a week's worth of underclothes, five handkerchiefs, one item for each kind of stationery, a box full of cosmetics, minimum pairs of plates and utensils, and just one favorite stuffed toy. I threw away photograph negatives, and New Year's cards after jotting down some necessary addresses. Having decided these numbers, all I had to do was simply discard the items in excess of such maximum inventories. Soon I found my room neat and clean.

 

 

読者からの投稿 4(Speedy, 23 April 09

 

My parents were fed up with me as I could not keep my room clean when I was a student. But now, everyone including even myself recognizes that I am a cleanly person. The change has begun since the time when I found a dead body of mouse in my room. To start with, I made my own rule to reduce my belongings into half in number. For example, I decided to keep 50 cloths, 50books, 10 pairs of shoes in total, sets of underwear sufficient for one week, 5handkerchiefs, one kind of each for stationary, boxful of cosmetics, pair of minimum dishes, and one favorite staffed toy. I threw away photo negatives and New Year’s cards after keeping addresses. My method is to fix the threshold and to reduce objects up to that number. It made my room in perfect order.

 

添削

 

When I was a student, Mmy parents were fed up with me as because I could not keep my room clean when I was a student. But now, everyone including even myself, recognizes that I am a cleanly cleanliness-conscious person. The change has begun since the time when I found a dead body of mouse in my room. To start with cleaning, I made my own rules to reduce my belongings into half in number. For example, I decided to keep 50 clothes, 50 books, 10 pairs of shoes in total, a sets of underwear sufficient for one week, 5 handkerchiefs, one kind of each for of stationary, a boxful of cosmetics, pair of minimum pairs of dishes, and one favorite staffed toy. I threw away photo negatives and New Year’s cards after keeping addresses. My method is to fix the threshold number of items I can keep and to reduce objects what I have up to that number. It This method made my room in perfect order really clean.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。私はアルバムの写真をスキャンしてディジタル化しましたが、それでもアルバムを廃棄するのはためらっています。

 

添削後の文章

 

When I was a student, my parents were fed up with me because I could not keep my room clean. But now, everyone including even myself, recognizes that I am a cleanliness-conscious person. The change begun when I found a dead mouse in my room. To start cleaning, I made my rules to reduce my belongings into half in number. For example, I decided to keep 50 clothes, 50 books, 10 pairs of shoes, a set of underwear sufficient for one week, 5 handkerchiefs, one kind each of stationary, a boxful of cosmetics, minimum pairs of dishes, and one favorite staffed toy. I threw away photo negatives and New Year’s cards after keeping addresses. My method is to fix the number of items I can keep and to reduce what I have to that number. This method made my room really clean.

 

 

読者からの投稿 3(岩ちゃん、1 July 08

 

I was a girl who could not clean up my room at all in my student days. My parents always disappointed to see my untidy room. But I have neat habits now and others also admit them. Finding a dead mouse in my room triggered my neat habits. First of all, I reduced my belongings by half and made the following rule for my belongings. I have 50 clothes, 50 books, 10 pairs of shoes, 5 handkerchiefs, a kind of and one stationery, the number of cosmetics to be able to be put in a box, and a pair of minimal dishes. I keep photograph and dump negatives. I dump new year's cards and record addresses. I left only a stuffed toy I like best. After I decided the number of my belongings I wanted to, I discarded unnecessary things. My room became tidy.

 

添削

 

I was a girl who could not clean up my room at all in my student days. My parents were always disappointed with to seeing my untidy room. But now I have neat habits now and that others also admit them. Finding a dead mouse in my room triggered this change and prompted me to develop my neat habits. First of all, I reduced my belongings by half and made the following rules for my belongings.: I have 50 clothes, 50 books, 10 pairs of shoes, 5 handkerchiefs, a one piece for each kind of and one stationery, the number of cosmetics to be able to be put in a box of cosmetics, and a few pairs of minimal dishes. I keep photographs and dump their negatives. I dump new year's cards and just record their addresses. I keep left only one a stuffed toy that I like most best. After I decided the number of my belongings I wanted to keep, I simply discarded all other unnecessary things. This is why Mmy room has become became so tidy.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。添削は文章を読みやすくしました。

 

添削後の文章

 

I was a girl who could not clean up my room at all in my student days. My parents were always disappointed with seeing my untidy room. But now I have neat habits that others also admit. Finding a dead mouse in my room triggered this change and prompted me to develop neat habits. First of all, I reduced my belongings by half and made the following rules for my belongings: 50 clothes, 50 books, 10 pairs of shoes, 5 handkerchiefs, one piece for each kind  stationery, a box of cosmetics, and a few pairs of dishes. I keep photographs and dump their negatives. I dump new year's cards and just record their addresses. I keep only one stuffed toy that I like most . After I decided the number of my belongings I wanted to keep, I simply discarded all other unnecessary things. This is why my room has become so tidy.

 

 

読者からの投稿 2(YMA, 14 May 08

 

I used to be a girl that never cleaned up my room so I disappointed my parents. But now, everyone admits I am tidy. An episode that I found the dead body of a mouse in my room changed me. I halved and limited the amount of my possessions, for example I decided not to have more than 50 pieces of clothing, 50 books, 10 pairs of shoes, 1 set of underwear per week, and 5 handkerchiefs. I also decided to have only one item for each kind of stationeries, minimum pairs of dishes, and one favorite stuffed animal. Cosmetics are limited as many as a prepared box can contain and pictures are held without the negatives. I discarded New Year’s greeting cards after taking a note of sender’s addresses. Eventually, I disposed all other unnecessary things. As a result, my room is completely cleaned.  

 

添削

 

I used to be a girl that never cleaned up my room and so I disappointed my parents. But now, everyone admits I am tidy. An episode incident that I found the dead body of a dead mouse in my room changed me. I halved and limited the amount of my possessions, for example, I decided not to have more than 50 pieces of clothing, 50 books, 10 pairs of shoes, 1 one set of underwear per week, and 5 handkerchiefs. I also decided to have only one item for each kind of stationeries, minimum pairs of dishes, and one favorite stuffed animal. Cosmetics are limited to as many few as a small prepared box can contain and photographs pictures are kept held without their negatives. I discarded New Year’s greeting cards after taking a note of senders addresses. Eventually, I disposed all other unnecessary things. As a result, my room is completely cleaned.  

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。数字が多い文章ですが整理されていてわかりやすいですね。物を廃棄するのは大変ですね。家に物を持ち込む機会はたくさん有るのに、家の中の物を廃棄する手段は限られています。段ボール箱を平らにして紐で括るにも力が要りますし、発砲スチロールは体積を取ってゴミ袋がすぐに一杯になります。少し大きい粗大ゴミは地方自治体に電話をかけて料金を払ってもって行ってもらいますが、依頼して一月もかかります。家という箱のインプットとアウトプットの手段がこんなにアンバランスなのが不思議です。当然ここに経済機会が生まれるはずなのですが、民間のゴミ収集は随分高くてちょっと利用するわけにはいきません。宅配便で物を配達したときに箱をその場で持って帰ってくれる、というサービスを始めたらどうでしょうかね。

 

添削後の文章

 

I used to be a girl that never cleaned up my room and so disappointed my parents. But now, everyone admits I am tidy. An incident that I found a dead mouse in my room changed me. I halved and limited the amount of my possessions, for example, I decided not to have more than 50 pieces of clothing, 50 books, 10 pairs of shoes, one set of underwear per week, and 5 handkerchiefs. I also decided to have only one item for each kind of stationeries, minimum pairs of dishes, and one favorite stuffed animal. Cosmetics are limited to as few as a small  box can contain and photographs are kept without their negatives. I discarded New Year’s greeting cards after taking a note of senders’ addresses. Eventually, I disposed all other unnecessary things. As a result, my room is completely cleaned.  

 

 

読者からの投稿 1(あすか、12 May 07

 

During in my school days, I was a horrible disorganized person whose parents fed up with my untidy room. However, now I am completely generally admitted to be an organized person. This started the whole thing was that I found a dead rat in my room. Therefore, I made my own rule for disposing of unnecessary things above all. So I cut all my possessions as half, and kept fifty clothes, fifty books, ten pair of shoes, one set of underwear for a week, five handkerchiefs, one item of stationeries, one box with cosmetics, minimum required dishes and one favorite stuffed animal. I also threw away negatives of photos and New Year's cards after writing down the sender's address. After I decide a fixed number of my possessions and disposed of unnecessary things, my room looked very neat.

 

添削

 

During in my school days, I was a horribley disorganized person and whose my parents fed were just stunned to look at up with my untidy room. However, now I am a completely different person who is generally regarded as admitted to be an a well organized person1. This change started when the whole thing was that I found a dead rat in my room2. Since then Therefore, I made up my own rule for disposing of unnecessary things above all. so that So I could reduce cut all the amount of my possessions to a as half,.3 As a result, and I have kept fifty clothes pieces of clothing, fifty books, ten pairs of shoes, one set of underwear for a week, five handkerchiefs, one item for each kind of stationeries, one box of with cosmetics, the minimum number of required dishes and one favorite stuffed animal. I also threw away negatives of photos and New Year's cards after writing down the sender's addresses. After I decide a fixed number of my possessions and had disposed of all other unnecessary things, my room looked very neat tidy4.

 

コメント

 

1.       completelygenerallyを強調するには添削のように二つの内容に分けて表現します。

 

2.       This The incident that had started the this whole change thing was that I found a dead rat in my room.とするとwasの両側が同格になり意味の通る文になります。

 

3.       ここから新しい文にすると何をどれだけ持つことしたか、はっきりします。

 

4.       文の前半はすでに文章に出ているので省略します。

 

添削後の文章

 

During my school days, I was a horribly disorganized person and my parents were just stunned to look at my untidy room. However, now I am a completely different person who is generally regarded as a well organized person. This change started when I found a dead rat in my room. Since then, I made up my own rule for disposing of unnecessary things so that I could reduce the amount of my possessions to a half. As a result, I have kept fifty pieces of clothing, fifty books, ten pairs of shoes, one set of underwear for a week, five handkerchiefs, one item for each kind of stationeries, one box of cosmetics, the minimum number of dishes and one favorite stuffed animal. I also threw away negatives of photos and New Year's cards after writing down the senders’ addresses. After I had disposed of all other unnecessary things, my room looked very tidy.