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初級練習問題添削 291−300

 

初級練習問題 291 (26 May 06) (3 June 06) (23 Sept 06) (2 Dec 07) (21 July 10)

                     (12 Oct 12) (20 Nov 12)

初級練習問題 292 (27 May 06) (3 June 06) (27 Sept 06) (11 Dec 07) (21 July 10)

                     (18 Oct 12)

初級練習問題 293 (27 May 06) (9 June 06) (29 Sept 06) (12 Dec 07) (22 July 10)

           (18 Oct 12)

初級練習問題 294 (30 May 06) (9 June 06) (31 Aug 06) (30 Sept 06) (17 Dec 07)

                                 (22 July 10)              (18 October 12)

初級練習問題 295 (9 June 06) (11 June 06) (3 Oct 06) (21 Dec 07) (22 July 10)

                     (23 Oct 12)

初級練習問題 296 (10 June 06) (11 June 06) (30 Aug 06) (5 Oct 06) (27 Dec 07)

                                 (27 July 10) (23 October 12)

初級練習問題 297 (10 June 06) (`13 June 06) (13 Oct 06) (7 Jan 08) (28 July 10)

                     (30 Oct 12)

初級練習問題 298 (13 June 06) (15 June 06) (17 Oct 06) (8 Jan 08) (29 July 10)

                     (31 Oct 12)

初級練習問題 299 (14 June 06) (18 June 06) (29 Aug 06) (19 Oct 06) (9 Jan 08)

                                 (31 July 10) (28 July 12) (31 Oct 12)

初級練習問題 300 (14 June 06) (20 June 06) (21 Oct 06) (11 Jan 08) (31 July 10)

                     (6 Nov 12)

 

 

初級練習問題 291

 

40−74歳の男性の二人に一人、女性の五人に一人がメタボリックシンドローム(内臓脂肪症候群)か、またはその予備軍であることが厚生労働省の国民健康・栄養調査でわかった。

同年齢の有病者と予備軍は、計1960万人のとぼると推測される。メタボリックシンドロームは健康に黄信号が点滅した状態といえるが、実際には自覚症状が乏しく、おなかが出てきた、と危機感も希薄だ。

 

読者からの投稿 7(OKEN, 20 November 12

 

According to the national health and nutrition survey by the Ministry of Health, Labor and Welfare, one out of two men and one out of five women at the age of 40-74 years-old had metabolic syndrome or potential metabolic syndrome. It is estimated that the number of people at the age of 40-74 years-old with a disease or a pre-disease is as many as 19.6 million. Metabolic syndrome would lead to collapse of their health without any treatment. However, they care about their bulging waistline, but they have little sense of danger in the syndrome due to its few subjective symptoms.

 

添削

 

According to the national health and nutrition survey by the Ministry of Health, Labor and Welfare, one out of two men and one out of five women at the age of 40-74 years-old had metabolic syndrome or potential metabolic syndrome. It is estimated that the number of people at the age of 40-74 years-old with a the disease or a pre-disease is as many as 19.6 million. Metabolic syndrome would can lead to collapse the deterioration of their health without any treatment. However1, they People with metabolic syndrome may notice care about their bulging waistlines, but they have little sense of danger in of the syndrome because of due to its few subjective obvious symptoms.

 

コメント

 

内容のすべてがわかります。

 

1.       このhoweverは要りません。However, they have little sense of ~ . They may just think their waistlines are bulging a little.という構文ならばhoweverを使います。

 

添削後の文章

 

According to the national health and nutrition survey by the Ministry of Health, Labor and Welfare, one out of two men and one out of five women at the age of 40-74 years-old had metabolic syndrome or potential metabolic syndrome. It is estimated that the number of people at the age of 40-74 years-old with the disease or pre-disease is as many as 19.6 million. Metabolic syndrome can lead to the deterioration of their health without any treatment. People with metabolic syndrome may notice their bulging waistlines, but they have little sense of danger of the syndrome because of its few obvious symptoms.

 

 

読者からの投稿 6(Lucca, 12 October 12

 

A national health and nutrition survey conducted by the Ministry of Health, Labor and Welfare revealed that half of Japanese men and one in five Japanese women aged between 40 and 74 were suffering from or at high risk of the metabolic syndrome. There are estimated 19.6 million patients and potential patients of the metabolic syndrome today in Japan. The metabolic syndrome, which a condition that increase the chances of having a heart attack or stroke, is often compared to the yellow light. The patients do not notice any symptoms other than abdominal obesity and take no measures against this disease.

 

添削

 

A national health and nutrition survey conducted by the Ministry of Health, Labor and Welfare revealed that half of Japanese men and one in five Japanese women aged between 40 and 74 were suffering from or at high risk of the metabolic syndrome. There are estimated 19.6 million patients and potential patients of the metabolic syndrome today in Japan. The metabolic syndrome, which is a condition that increases the chances of having a heart attack or stroke, is often regarded as compared to the a yellow light to these diseases. The patients do not notice any symptoms other than fat bellies1 abdominal obesity and take no measures against this disease.

 

コメント

 

内容のすべてがわかります。

 

1.       abdominal obesityというと、本当に病的に大きなおなかをしている、ということになります。メタボリックシンドロームはこのような極端ではないときでも入るので、添削のような表現でよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

A national health and nutrition survey conducted by the Ministry of Health, Labor and Welfare revealed that half of Japanese men and one in five Japanese women aged between 40 and 74 were suffering from or at high risk of the metabolic syndrome. There are estimated 19.6 million patients and potential patients of the metabolic syndrome today in Japan. The metabolic syndrome, which is a condition that increases the chance of having a heart attack or stroke, is often regarded as a yellow light to these diseases. The patients do not notice any symptoms other than fat bellies and take no measures against this disease.

 

 

読者からの投稿 5(mxtomi, 21 July 10

 

A national health and nutrition examination survey by the Ministry of Health, Labor and Welfare revealed that 50 % of men and 10% of women between 40 and 74 years of age are either patients or soon-to-be patients of metabolic syndrome. Including soon-to-be patients, the number of people with the metabolic syndrome in that age bracket is estimated to be as many as 19. 6 million. The metabolic syndrome is a flushing yellow light for health. Nevertheless, as it does not accompany clear subjective symptoms, many of them do not have sense of crisis, only worrying about their growing spare tire.

 

添削

 

A national health and nutrition examination survey by the Ministry of Health, Labor and Welfare revealed that 50 % of men and 10% of women between 40 and 74 years of age are either patients or soon-to-be patients of the metabolic syndrome. Including soon-to-be patients, the number of people with the metabolic syndrome in that age bracket is estimated to be as many as 19. 6 million. The metabolic syndrome is a flushing yellow light for health. Nevertheless, as it does not accompany clear subjective symptoms, many of them do not have a sense of crisis, only worrying about their growing spare tire in the middle of their bodies.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。読みやすい文章です。

 

添削後の文章

 

A national health and nutrition survey by the Ministry of Health, Labor and Welfare revealed that 50 % of men and 10% of women between 40 and 74 years of age are either patients or soon-to-be patients of the metabolic syndrome. Including soon-to-be patients, the number of people with the metabolic syndrome in that age bracket is estimated to be as many as 19. 6 million. The metabolic syndrome is a yellow light for health. Nevertheless, as it does not accompany clear subjective symptoms, many of them do not have a sense of crisis, only worrying about their growing spare tire in the middle of their bodies.

 

 

読者からの投稿 4(岩ちゃん、2 December 07

 

A national health and nourishment survey by the Ministry of Health and Welfare showed the following things. One of two men and one of five women between forty and seventy four years old have metabolic syndrome and are a candidate for it. Those who have metabolic syndrome and are a candidate for it are estimated to total 1.98 million. Metabolic syndrome warns that our health is on the brink of disease. But even if we have metabolic syndrome, we do not notice symptoms. This is because though we have a big belly, we do not develop ill symptoms.

 

添削

 

A national health and nourishment survey1 by the Ministry of Health and Welfare showed revealed the following things results. One out of two men and one out of five women between forty and seventy four seventy-four years old either have a2 metabolic syndrome and or are a candidate for it. Both groups together Those who have metabolic syndrome and are a candidate for it are estimated to total 1.98 million. A Mmetabolic syndrome warns that our health is on the brink of disease at risk3. But even if we have a metabolic syndrome, we do not notice any apparent symptoms. This is because though We just think that we have a big belly, we do not develop ill symptoms.

 

コメント

 

内容の概略はわかりますが、have metabolic syndrome and are a candidate for itand or にしないと意味がわからなくなります。Who has (either) a son or a daughter? 息子さんか娘さんがいるかたはどなたですか? Who has (both) a son and a daughter? 息子さんと娘さんのいるかたはどなたですか?

 

1.       国民健康・栄養に関する一般的な調査なら添削のようにしますが、もし定期的に行われる特別な調査の場合The National Health and Nourishment surveyとします。

 

2.       metabolic syndromeを病名として一般的に使うときは冠詞なしですが、具体的にあるひとがこの病気にかかっているときは冠詞を付けます。

 

3.       表現を少し一般的にしました。

 

添削後の文章

 

A national health and nourishment survey by the Ministry of Health and Welfare revealed the following results. One out of two men and one out of five women between forty and  seventy-four years old either have a metabolic syndrome or are a candidate for it. Both groups together are estimated to total 1.98 million. A metabolic syndrome warns that our health is at risk. But even if we have a metabolic syndrome, we do not notice any apparent symptoms. We just think that we have a big belly.

 

 

読者からの投稿 3(マウント60、23 September 06

 

A survey done by the Ministry of Health, Labor and Welfare on the nation's health and nutrition conditions revealed that one out of two males and one out of five females of people aged 40 to 74 are metabolic syndrome (visceral fat syndrome) sufferers or sufferers-to-be.  It is estimated that there are a total of 19.6 million sufferers and sufferers-to-be in the same age group. Metabolic syndrome can be regarded as the yellow light about our health. But in fact, people have little sense of crisis, only complaining about their protruding bellies, because of lack of clear symptoms.

 

添削

 

A survey done by the Ministry of Health, Labor and Welfare on the nation's health and nutrition conditions revealed that one out of two males and one out of five females of people aged between 40 to and 74 are metabolic syndrome (visceral fat syndrome) sufferers or sufferers-to-be1. It is estimated that there are a total of 19.6 million sufferers and sufferers-to-be in the same age group. Metabolic syndrome can be regarded as the yellow light about our health. But in fact, people have little sense of crisis because of lack of clear symptoms2, and just only complaining about their protruding bellies, because of lack of clear symptoms3.

 

コメント

 

1.       予備軍をsufferers-to-beと表現が簡潔ですね。

 

2.       原因をここに置いたほうがわかりやすいでしょう。

3.       「実際には自覚症状が乏しく、おなかが出てきた、と危機感も希薄だ。」は「(予備軍の人は)メタボリックシンドロームの自覚症状が乏しい。」「(予備軍の人は)おなかがでてきたと思う。」「そのために、(予備軍の人は)メタボリックシンドロームに対しての危機感をほとんど持たない。」という順序で因果関係が述べてありますね。マウント60さんは英文でこの因果関係(英文の論理構成)をPeople have little sense of crisis because of lack of clear syndromes.としておなかのことはそのあとに補足してわかりやすくしています。

 

添削後の文章

 

A survey done by the Ministry of Health, Labor and Welfare on the nation's health and nutrition conditions revealed that one out of two males and one out of five females of people aged between 40 and 74 are metabolic syndrome (visceral fat syndrome) sufferers or sufferers-to-be. It is estimated that there are a total of 19.6 million sufferers and sufferers-to-be in the same age group. Metabolic syndrome can be regarded as the yellow light about our health. But in fact, people have little sense of crisis because of lack of clear symptoms and just complain about their protruding bellies.

 

 

読者からの投稿 2(さくら、3 June

 

A national health and nutrition study conducted by Health, Labor and Welfare Ministry showed that one in two men and one in five women aged between 40 and 74 were suffered from metabolic syndrome (visceral fat accumulation syndrome) or had a possibility to be suffered. The number of sufferers and would-be sufferers in this range of the age is estimated to be 19.6 million. The metabolic syndrome is regarded as a stage of blinking the yellow light for the health condition, but many people actually do not have so much self-awareness. They just admit their potbellies, but they are lacking a sense of any urgent treatments.

 

添削

 

A national health and nutrition study conducted by Health, Labor and Welfare Ministry showed that one in two men and one in five women aged between 40 and 74 are suffering were suffered from metabolic syndrome (visceral fat accumulation syndrome) or are prone to the syndrome1 had a possibility to be suffered. The number of sufferers and would-be sufferers2 in this age range of the age is estimated to be 19.6 million. The metabolic syndrome is regarded as a stage of blinking the yellow light for the health condition, but many people actually do not have so much self-awareness any apparent symptom3. They just admit that they have their potbellies, but lack they are lacking a sense of any urgent treatments.

 

コメント

 

1.       To be prone to something, usually something bad, means to have a tendency to be affected by it or to do it (Collins COBUILD).という便利な言葉があるので使いました。

 

2.       sufferers and would-be sufferersという表現が簡略でいいですね。

 

3.       do not have so much self-awarenessというと、このシンドロームについての自覚(こういうものがあり、健康に有害だということ)をしていない、ということになるで、自覚症状をが無い、ということを強調しました。このシンドロームは最近テレビ、新聞でよく話題になっていますね。私はベルトの穴がどっちに動くかを見て注意しています。

 

添削後の文章

 

A national health and nutrition study conducted by Health, Labor and Welfare Ministry showed that one in two men and one in five women aged between 40 and 74 are suffering  from metabolic syndrome (visceral fat accumulation syndrome) or are prone to the syndrome. The number of sufferers and would-be sufferers in this age range is estimated to be 19.6 million. The metabolic syndrome is regarded as a stage of blinking the yellow light for the health condition, but many people actually do not have any apparent symptom. They just admit that they have potbellies but lack a sense of any urgent treatment.

 

 

読者からの投稿 1(rio, 26 May 06

 

We found that half of the man from 40 to 74 years old and one fifth of the woman from 40 to 74 years are metabolic syndrome or almost metabolic syndrome by the national health and nutrition report of the Ministry of Health, Labor and Welfare.

 

We estimate that there are nineteen million and six hundreds thousand people, at the same age, have a this sick or they are reserve body of this sick. Metabolic syndrome indicates a yellow light on their health but they don't have a particular subjective symptom and they don't know that they are in danger and they know only that they has a fat round their middle.     

 

添削

 

We found that half of the man men  from 40 to 74 years old and one fifth of the woman women between from 40 toand 74 years old1 either have a are metabolic syndrome2 or almost are likely to have the metabolic syndrome in the future3 by in the national health and nutrition report of the Ministry of Health, Labor and Welfare.

 

We It is estimated4 that there are nineteen million and six hundreds thousand people in these two groups5, at the same age, have a this sick or they are reserve body of this sick. Metabolic syndrome indicates a yellow warning light6 on for their health. butSince7 they don't have a particular subjective symptom, and they don't know that they their health is are in danger and they just think know only that they has have gained a little fat around their middle.     

 

コメント

 

1.       between 40 and 74 years oldはここに一つでよいです。women from 40 to 74 years oldというとこの年齢層の人は一様にメタボリックシンドロームになりやすい、という意味になります。between 40 and 74 years oldとすると、一様かどうかはわからないが全体として、という意味になります。

 

2.       metabolic syndrome自体は抽象名詞なので、病名のときには冠詞はつきませんが、ここでは具体的は症状、という意味で不定冠詞がつきます。

 

3.       メタボリックシンドローム予備軍はa reserve army of metabolic syndromeという直訳風の表現もあります(もしかすると予備軍という日本語が英語の直訳なのかもしれません)。ここでは内容を表現してthose who are likely to have the syndrome in the futureとしました。

 

4.       文章の前半ではWe found ~ in the national health report.となっていて主語をweにできますが、ここでWe estimate that ~とすると、実際にweに当たる人が推定する、という意味になってしまうので、主語をぼかしたIt is estimated that ~ がよいでしょう。

 

5.       in these two groupsとすると簡単になります。

 

6.       a yellow lightは交通信号の注意信号ですが、a warning lightとすると意味がもっとはっきりします。

 

7.       文が長いので、ここで切ってあたらしい文にしてSinceで始めると因果関係がはっきりします。

 

添削後の文章

 

We found that half of men and one fifth of women between40 and 74 years old either have a  metabolic syndrome or are likely to have the metabolic syndrome in the future in the national health and nutrition report of the Ministry of Health, Labor and Welfare.

 

It is estimated that there are nineteen million and six hundred thousand people in these two groups. Metabolic syndrome indicates a warning light for their health. Since they don't have a particular subjective symptom, don't know that their health is in danger and just think that they have gained a little fat around their middle.     

 

 

初級練習問題 292

 

旧文部省が推進してきたゆとり教育の結果、学力の二分化が進んだといわれる。その傾向は一昨年暮れに発表された経済協力開発機構(OECD)の国際学力比較調査で顕著に見られ、その後の各種調査でも、いわゆる「できる子」と「できない子」の学力の格差が広がっている。

 

読者からの投稿 6(Lucca, 18 October 12

 

It has been told that academic ability of students is divided into two groups since the introduction of pressure-free education by the former Ministry Education-led. This tendency was obviously seen in the survey of the international scholastic ability conducted by the OECD at the end of year two year ago. Other surveys also showed that this academic gap between "good performers" and "poor performers” had been widening.

 

添削

 

It is said It has been told that students1 have being more and more clearly2 academic ability of students is divided into two groups in their academic abilities since the introduction of pressure-free education by the former Ministry of Education-led. This tendency was obviously observed seen in the survey of the international scholastic ability conducted by the OECD at the end of year two year ago. Other surveys also showed that this academic gap between "good performers3" and "poor performers” had been widening.

 

コメント

 

内容のすべてがわかります。

 

1.       学生を主語にすると内容がわかりやすくなります。

 

2.       「学力の二分化が進んだ」 の「進んできている」が大切な情報ですから、これを文に入れる必要があります。

 

3.       適切な表現です。

 

添削後の文章

 

It is said that students have being more and more clearly divided into two groups in their academic abilities since the introduction of pressure-free education by the former Ministry of Education. This tendency was observed in the survey of the international scholastic ability conducted by the OECD at the end of year two year ago. Other surveys also showed that this academic gap between "good performers" and "poor performers” had been widening.

 

 

読者からの投稿 5(mxtomi, 21 July 10

 

The more relaxed education policy promoted by the former Ministry of Education is criticized to have promoted a polarization of students’ scholastic performance. An international survey of the scholastic ability by Organization for Economic Co-operation and Development (OECD), released at the end of the year before last, clearly demonstrated the tendency towards polarization. Subsequent similar surveys as well have indicated that the achievement gap between top performers and bottom performers has been widening.

 

添削

 

The more relaxed approach to education policy promoted by the former Ministry of Education is criticized to have promoted the1 a polarization of students’ scholastic performance. An international survey of the students’ scholastic abilityies by Organization for Economic Co-operation and Development (OECD), released at the end of the year two years ago before last, clearly demonstrated the a tendency towards the polarization. Subsequent similar surveys as well have indicated that the achievement gap between top performers and bottom performers has been widening.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       現在、日本で問題になっている(多くの人が知っている)学力の二分化、という意味で定冠詞がよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

The more relaxed approach to education promoted by the former Ministry of Education is criticized to have promoted the polarization of students’ scholastic performance. An international survey of students’ scholastic abilities by Organization for Economic Co-operation and Development (OECD), released at the end of the year two years ago, clearly demonstrated a tendency towards the polarization. Subsequent similar surveys as well have indicated that the achievement gap between top performers and bottom performers has been widening.

 

 

読者からの投稿 4(岩ちゃん、11 December 07

 

It is said that more relaxed education performed by the former Education Ministry promoted dichotomization in academic ability. Its trend appeared prominently in the international surveys of the academic ability announced by OECD at the end of the year before last. Afterward, various kinds of surveys showed that more relaxed education widens a gap in academic ability between a student group with good grades and a student group with poor grades.

 

添削

 

It is said that the more relaxed approach to education1 performed introduced by the former Education Ministry of Education caused promoted the dichotomization in of the academic ability among students. Its The trend towards dichotomization appeared prominently in the international surveys of the academic ability announced conducted by OECD at the end of the year two years ago before last. Afterward, various kinds of surveys showed that the more relaxed approach to education widens had widened2 a gap in the academic ability between a student group of students with good grades and a student group of students with poor grades.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       「ゆとり教育」を短く説明しようとすると難しいですが、the more relaxed approach to educationと教育の方法論ということを入れるとわかりやすくなるとおもいます。

 

2.       調査の結果なので、showedの一つ前の時制 had widened にします。

 

添削後の文章

 

It is said that the more relaxed approach to education introduced by the former Ministry of Education caused the dichotomization of the academic ability among students. The trend towards dichotomization appeared prominently in the international survey of the academic ability conducted by OECD at the end of the year two years ago. Afterward, various kinds of surveys showed that the more relaxed approach to education had widened a gap in the academic ability between a group of students with good grades and a group of students with poor grades.

 

 

読者からの投稿 3(マウント60、27 September 06

 

The former Education Ministry of Japan set forward education based on creativity and more relaxed approach rather than cramming and competition. As a result, the academic ability of students is said to have been split in two more sharply. The tendency was clearly seen in the OECD Programme for International Student Assessment released at the end of year before last. A variety of surveys that followed also showed that the academic gap between so-called "A-students" and "students left behind" has been widening.

 

添削

 

The former Education Ministry of Japan set forward education reform based on creativity and a more relaxed approach to learning rather than cramming knowledge into students and encouraging competition1. As a result, in terms of the academic ability2, of students is are said to have been split in two groups more sharply than before. The tendency was clearly seen in the OECD Programme for International Student Assessment released at the end of year two years ago before last. A variety of surveys that followed also showed confirmed that the academic gap between so-called "A-students" and "students left behind" has been widening.

 

コメント

 

1.       補足説明を添削のように拡張するとわかりやすくなると思います。

 

2.       be split into two groupとあるので、主語はstudentsのほうがわかりやすいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

The former Education Ministry of Japan set forward education reform based on creativity and a more relaxed approach to learning rather than cramming knowledge into students and encouraging competition. As a result, in terms of academic ability, students are said to have been split in two groups more sharply than before. The tendency was clearly seen in the OECD Programme for International Student Assessment released at the end of year two years ago . A variety of surveys that followed also confirmed that the academic gap between so-called "A-students" and "students left behind" has been widening.

 

 

読者からの投稿 2(さくら、3 June 06

 

A lighter curriculum education policy introduced by the former Education Ministry is said to stimulate polarization of academic performance of students. This was conformed by results of international academic performance research conducted by Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development (OECD) two years ago. Many other researches also show the widen gap of the academic performance between “good performers” and “poor performers”.

 

添削

 

The education reform to reduce regular class hours1 A lighter curriculum education policy introduced by the former Education Ministry is said to stimulate have resulted in2 the polarization of academic performance of students. This was conformed confirmed by the results of an international academic performance research survey conducted by the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development (OECD) two years ago. Many other recent surveys researches also show the widening gap of the academic performance between “good performers3” and “poor performers”.

 

コメント

 

「ゆとり教育」をa lighter curriculum education policyと説明したのが良いアイデアですね。複合名詞は意味が取り難いので添削のようにしました。

 

stimulateは物事を(肯定的に)促進する、というように通常使うので、ここでは中立的なresultを使いました。

 

「できる子」と「できない子」はどう表現しようかと私もいろいろ考えましたが、good performers and poor performersは考えつきませんでした。簡略でいいですね。

 

添削後の文章

 

The education reform to reduce regular class hours introduced by the former Education Ministry is said to have resulted in the polarization of academic performance of students. This was confirmed by the results of an international academic performance survey conducted by the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development (OECD) two years ago. Many other recent surveys also show the widening gap of the academic performance between “good performers” and “poor performers”.

 

 

読者からの投稿 1(rio, 27 May 06

 

As the result of education free of pressure which was given by former the Ministry of Education, academic ability was promoted to be divided in two extreme parts. We can find such tendency clearly in the international academic ability comparison of OECD which was announced the end of last year and the later other investigations also indicate the increase of the difference in academic ability between what some call able children and unable children. 

 

添削

 

As the a result of the eEducation at Ease” program1 free of pressure which was given promoted by former the former Ministry of Education, the academic ability of students was promoted to be divided into two groups extreme parts. We can find such a tendency clearly in the international comparison of academic ability comparison of conducted by OECD which was announced made public two years2 ago the end of last year and also in the later other investigations more recent surveys. These surveys also all indicate the an increaseing of the difference in the academic ability of students between those who are doing well at school and those who are left behind what some call able children and unable children3. 

 

コメント

 

1.       「ゆとり教育」というのは曖昧な概念を曖昧に表現した日本語ですね。いろいろな解釈があるでしょうが、「あくせくと知識を詰め込まない教育プログラム」という意味でthe “Education at Ease” programとしました。

 

2.       「一昨年の暮れに」とあるので「2年前の暮れ」ですね。「暮れ」は幅が広いので、単に「2年前」にしました。

 

3.       「できる子」と「できない子」も大まかな表現なので英語で表現しようとすると難しいですね。able children, unable childrenと表現するとableunableの対象が広すぎるので、「学校で(学業を)よくやっている生徒」と「学校で(学業に)遅れている生徒」と少し具体的にしました。

 

添削後の文章

 

As a result of the Education at Ease” program which was promoted by the former Ministry of Education, the academic ability of students was divided into two groups. We can find such a tendency clearly in the international comparison of academic ability conducted by OECD which was made public two years ago and also in other more recent surveys. These surveys  all indicate an increasing difference in the academic ability of students between those who are doing well at school and those who are left behind. 

 

 

初級練習問題 293

 

泊り客の体重によって宿泊料金が異なるというホテルがドイツ北部の町にこの春おめみえした。ホテルの受付に体重計が用意され、宿泊客は体重一キロにつき、0.5ユーロ(約72円)をはらう。しかし、体重が78キロを越えても料金は39ユーロでそれ以上高くなることはない。ホテルの経営者はドイツ人の太りすぎに注意するための料金設定だと説明している。

 

読者からの投稿 6(Lucca, 18 October 12

 

A hotel which offers its guests body weight-based room charge was open at a town in the northern part of Germany this spring. The scale is placed at the check-in counter of the hotel. The hotel guests have to pay 50 cent or 72 yen per kilogram of body weight for their room charges, but its maximum charge is 39 euro even when the body weight of a guest exceeds 78 kilograms. The hotel owner explained the reason for such this payment method that he wanted to warn German guests of their overweight.

 

添削

 

A hotel which offers its guests a body weight-based room charge was is now open in at a town in the northern part of Germany this spring. A The scale is placed at the check-in counter of the hotel. The hHotel guests have to pay 0.50 euro cent or (about 72 yen) per kilogram of their body weights for their room charges, but there is the its maximum charge of is 39 euro even when a the body weight of a guest exceeds 78 kilograms. The hotel owner explaineds1 the reason for such this payment method that he wanteds to warn German guests of their overweighs.

 

コメント

 

数字の間違い(50 cent)がありますが、他はすべての内容がわかります。

 

1.       前の文が現在形なので、この文も現在形にします。

 

添削後の文章

 

A hotel which offers its guests a body weight-based room charge is now open in a town in the northern part of Germany this spring. A scale is placed at the check-in counter of the hotel. Hotel guests have to pay 0.50 euro (about 72 yen) per kilogram of their body weights for their room charges, but there is the maximum charge of 39 euro even when a body weight exceeds 78 kilograms. The hotel owner explains that he wants to warn German guests of their overweighs.

 

 

読者からの投稿 5(mxtomi, 22 July 10

 

A hotel that offers room rates according to the weight of the guests opened at a town in northern Germany this spring. In the hotel, guests get on the scale in front of the reception desk and pay their room charges calculated by multiplying 0.5 euro (approx. 72 yen) by their respective weights in kilogram. The maximum charge is set at 39 euros for 78 kilograms. The hotel owner says the room rates are formulated so that they can give the Germans warning against their obesity.

 

添削

 

A hotel that offers a room1 rates according to the weight of a the guests opened at a town in northern Germany this spring. In the hotel, a guests gets on the scale in front of the reception desk and pays his/her their room charges calculated by multiplying 0.5 euro (approx. 72 yen) by his/her their respective weights in kilograms. The maximum charge is set at 39 euros for 78 kilograms. The hotel owner says this method of calculating an individual the room rates2 is invented are formulated so that they can give the Germans guests are reminded that they are warning against their overweigh obesity3.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       ひとりひとりのお客についてしたほうがわかりやすいでしょう。

 

2.       単にthis methodでもよいでしょう。

 

3.       ホテルのお客についてにすると具体的になります。

 

添削後の文章

 

A hotel that offers a room rate according to the weight of a guest opened at a town in northern Germany this spring. In the hotel, a guest gets on the scale in front of the reception desk and pays his/her room charge calculated by multiplying 0.5 euro (approx. 72 yen) by his/her weight in kilograms. The maximum charge is set at 39 euros for 78 kilograms. The hotel owner says this method of calculating an individual room rate is invented so that  Germans guests are reminded that they are overweigh.

 

 

読者からの投稿 4(岩ちゃん、12 December 07

 

A unique hotel appeared at a town in northern part of German this spring. This hotel has different room charges corresponding to guest's weight. A scale is put at the reception in the hotel. After guests check their weight on the scale, they have to pay 0.5 euro (about 72 yen) per kilogram of their weight. But even if their weight is over 78 kilograms, their room charge does not exceed 39 euro. The owner explained that he made such charges to warn overweight in German.

 

添削

 

A unique hotel has appeared at a town in the northern part of German this spring. This hotel has a different room charges corresponding to a guest's weight. A scale is put at the reception in the hotel. After a guests1 checks his their weight on the scale, they have to he pays 0.5 euro (about 72 yen) per kilogram of their his weight. However, there is a maximum charge.2 But even if If his their weight is over 78 kilograms, their his room charge does not exceed will be 39 euro. The owner explained that he made such charges to warn overweight in German.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       ホテルは通常は一部屋の値段になっていますから、このホテルは夫婦で泊まるときにはどうしているのでしょうね。例えば、通常の一部屋の料金の半分を基本として、夫婦それぞれに体重によって料金を計算するのでしょうか。ここでは単数で記述したほうがわかりやすでしょう。

 

2.       この文を入れるとわかりやすくなるとおもいます。

 

添削後の文章

 

A unique hotel has appeared at a town in the northern part of German this spring. This hotel has a different room charge corresponding to a guest's weight. A scale is put at the reception in the hotel. After a guest checks his weight on the scale, he pays 0.5 euro (about 72 yen) per kilogram of his weight. However, there is a maximum charge. If his weight is over 78 kilograms, his room charge will be 39 euro. The owner explained that he made such charges to warn overweight in German.

 

 

読者からの投稿 3(マウント60、29 September 06

 

A hotel that applies a different room rate to each guest according to their body weight opened in a northern German city this spring. The front desk of the hotel has a scale ready for guests, who pay 0.5 euro (about 72 yen) per kilo. The maximum rate, however, is set at 39 euro for persons weighing 78 kilos and over. The hotel owner explains that the room rate system aims at urging German people to take precautions against obesity.

 

添削

 

A hotel that applies a different room rate to each guest according to their his body weight opened in a northern German city this spring. The front desk of the hotel has a scale ready for guests, who1 pay 0.5 euro (about 72 yen) per kilo. The maximum rate2, however, is set at 39 euro for persons weighing 78 kilos and over. The hotel owner explains that the room rate system aims at urging German people to take precautions against obesity.

 

コメント

 

1.       日本文では「ホテルの受付に体重計が用意され、宿泊客は 〜」というように文の中で英語の主語にあたるものが(体重計)、(宿泊客)と変わっていっても自然に感じますね。英文では主語を明示するので、複合文で主語を変えるときには内容が混乱しないように注意します。マウント60さんは、The front desk of the hotel has a scale ready for guests, who pay 0.5 euro ~と関係代名詞を使って複合文を上手に使っています。

 

2.       「39ユーロでそれ以上高くなることはない」という内容を英文で表現しようとすると、「それ以上高くなることはない」は和英辞書ではどういうように見つけるか難しいですね。このような日本語の常套句は、内容を言い直してみる、という方法があります。マウント60さんは、「最高料金は39ユーロに決めてある」と言い直してから、The maximum rate is set at 39 euro.と表現しています。

 

添削後の文章

 

A hotel that applies a different room rate to each guest according to his body weight opened in a northern German city this spring. The front desk of the hotel has a scale ready for guests, who pay 0.5 euro (about 72 yen) per kilo. The maximum rate, however, is set at 39 euro for persons weighing 78 kilos and over. The hotel owner explains that the room rate system aims at urging German people to take precautions against obesity.

 

 

読者からの投稿 2(さくら、9 June 06

 

A new hotel whose accommodation charge was decided by the weight of guests came out in a northern town of Germany this spring. A bathroom scale is prepared at the front desk of the hotel and guest pays the accommodation charge according to the weight by the rate of 0.5 euro per one kilogram. But those whose weight are over 78 kilograms do not need to pay more than 39 euro because the highest accommodation charge is limited to 39 euro. The manager of the hotel says that this system is intended to warn German people of their overweight.

 

添削

 

A new hotel whose accommodation charge was decided by the weight of a guests opened1 came out in a northern town of Germany this spring. A bathroom scale is prepared placed at the front desk of the hotel and a guest pays the accommodation charge according to the his/her weight. The hotel charges2 by the rate of 0.5 euro per one kilogram. But those whose weight are over 78 kilograms do not need to pay more than 39 euros because the highest accommodation charge is limited to 39 euros. The manager of the hotel says that this system is intended to warn German people of their overweight.

 

コメント

 

1.       A hotel which charges guests accommodation fees according to their weights opened ~.と能動態で表現したほうがわかりやすくなります。日本文では「春におめみえした」とあるので新しいホテルがオープンしたのか、古いホテルが新しい料金システムを始めたのかわかりませんが、文章の感じでは新しい料金システムかもしれません。

 

2.       ここから添削のような新しい文にすると、次の文の内容との関連が深くなります。

 

添削後の文章

 

A new hotel whose accommodation charge was decided by the weight of a guest opened  in a northern town of Germany this spring. A bathroom scale is placed at the front desk of the hotel and a guest pays the accommodation charge according to his/her weight. The hotel charges 0.5 euro per one kilogram. But those who weigh over 78 kilograms do not need to pay more than 39 euros because the highest accommodation charge is limited to 39 euros. The manager of the hotel says that this system is intended to warn German people of their overweight.

 

 

読者からの投稿 1(rio, 27 May 06

 

The hotel which changes the room charge depend on a guest's weight appears in this spring in the town in the north of Germany. The scale was prepared at the front and guests pay 0.5 euro (about 72 yen) par 1 kiro. However, if guests have over 78 kiro, they have to pay only 39 euro and it is the maximum price. The owner of this hotel explains that he establishes the price to give warning germany obesity.

 

添削

 

The A hotel which changes decides the a room charge depend according to on a guest's weight appearsed in this spring in the town in the northern of Germany1. The A scale was is prepared placed at in the front lobby2 and a guests3 pays 0.5 euro (about 72 yen) par 1 kiro kilogram. However, if a guests have weighs over 78 kiro kilograms, they he has have to pay only 39 euro and it is the maximum price4. The owner of this hotel explains that he establishes introduced this the price system to give Germans a warning germany about obesity.

 

コメント

 

1.       in the north of Germanyとすると、ドイツの北、になるのでin the northern part of Germanyまたin northern Germanyにします。

 

2.       フロント、はホテルの受付なので、受付のある場所a lobbyがよいでしょう。

 

3.       78キロ以上の人は39ユーロ、となっているので、これは省略できます。

 

4.       一人一人のゲストに意味で 単数にしたほうがわかりやすいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

A hotel which decides a room charge according to a guest's weight appeared this spring in northern Germany. A scale is placed in the lobby and a guest pays 0.5 euro (about 72 yen) par 1 kilogram. However, if a guest weighs over 78 kilograms, he has to pay only 39 euro. The owner of this hotel explains that he introduced this price system to give Germans a warning about obesity.

 

 

初級練習問題 294

 

デジタルカメラの高級機を買おうと思っているので、新聞広告をよく見る。ほうほう、こんな新機能が付いたのか、こんなに軽量化したのか、ところで値段は。ありゃりゃ、オープン価格化だ。これで買う気が一気に失せる。これでは懐具合と相談することが出来ないではないか。

 

読者からの投稿 7(Lucca, 18 October 12

 

I take a long and serious look at advertisements for electric products in a newspaper because I am thinking of buying a high-performing digital camera. Wow, cameras these days have new convenience functions and are so light in weight. How much are they? Gee, they are open prices. I lose my interest in buying a new one at such these prices. I cannot consult my wallet at all.

 

添削

 

I take a long and serious look at advertisements for electric products in a newspapers because I am thinking to of buying a high-performing digital camera. Wow, cameras these days have new conveniencet functions and are so light in weight. How much are they? Gee, they have are open prices. Suddenly, I lose my interest in buying a new one because at with open such these prices., I cannot consult my wallet at all.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。

 

添削後の文章

 

I take a long and serious look at advertisements for electric products in newspapers because I am thinking to buy a high-performing digital camera. Wow, cameras these days have new convenient functions and are so light in weight. How much are they? Gee, they have open prices. Suddenly, I lose my interest in buying a new one because with open prices, I cannot consult my wallet at all.

 

 

読者からの投稿 6(mxtomi, 22 July 10

 

As I am thinking of purchasing a high-end digital camera, I have been scrutinizing newspaper advertisements these days. Aye, aye, manufacturers have introduced new features like these. Looks like they succeeded in reducing size and weight of cameras. Now then, what’s the price? Oops! Open price? It discourages me outright from buying new cameras. That way I cannot consult my budget.

 

添削

 

As I am thinking of purchasing a high-end digital camera, I have been scrutinizing newspaper advertisements these days. Aye, aye, manufacturers have introduced new features like these. Looks like they succeeded in reducing the size and weight of a cameras. Now then, what’s the price? Oops! Open price? This open price thing It discourages me outright from buying a new cameras. An open price1 doesn’t give me a chance to That way I cannot consult my budget.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       もう一度駄目押しにan open priceを入れるとよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

As I am thinking of purchasing a high-end digital camera, I have been scrutinizing newspaper advertisements these days. Aye, aye, manufacturers have introduced new features like these. Looks like they succeeded in reducing the size and weight of a camera. Now then, what’s the price? Oops! Open price? This open price thing discourages me outright from buying a new camera. An open price doesn’t give me a chance to consult my budget.

 

 

読者からの投稿 5(岩ちゃん、17 December 07

 

As I want to buy a high-grade digital camera, I often look at advertisements on the newspaper. Some have new functions and some have a lighter body. By the way, how much are they? But they have open prices. Open prices disinclined me to buy them. I cannot review whether I can buy them with cash on hand or not.

 

添削

 

As I want to buy a high-grade digital camera, I often look at advertisements on the newspaper. Some have new functions and some have a lighter body. By the way, I ask myself, how much are they? But Oh, they have open prices1. Open prices disinclined discourage me to buy them. Because I cannot review judge whether or not I can buy them with cash on hand or not.

 

コメント

 

内容の概略はわかりますが、Open prices disinclined me to buy them. I cannot review whether I can buy them with cash on hand or not.のところがわかりません。

 

1.       ここのところは独り言または自問自答なので、添削のようにするとよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

As I want to buy a high-grade digital camera, I often look at advertisements on the newspaper. Some have new functions and some have a lighter body. By the way, I ask myself, how much are they? Oh, they have open prices. Open prices discourage me to buy them. Because I cannot judge whether or not I can buy them with cash on hand.

 

 

読者からの投稿 4(マウント60、30 September 06

 

I think I am going to get a new high-end digital camera. So I often glance over newspaper ads and enjoy seeing a variety of items that are equipped with new functions or reduced a lot in weight. Looking for the price information in the ads, I am disappointed to notice the word "open pricing." This instantly puts a damper on my enthusiasm about buying one.  How can I plan out my purchase within my budget?

 

添削

 

I think I am going to get a new high-end digital camera. So I often glance over newspaper ads and enjoy1 seeing a variety of items that are equipped with new functions or reduced a lot in weight. Looking for the price information in the ads, I am disappointed to notice the word "open pricing2." This instantly puts a damper on my enthusiasm about buying one.  How can I budget for such open priced cameras plan out my purchase within my budget3?

 

コメント

 

1.       このenjoy seeing ~という表現が効果的ですね。わたしも新聞が来ると先ずコンピュータ関連と家電関連の広告を見る趣味があります。

 

2.       論理的には確かにopen priceでなくてopen pricingという表現が適切ですね。open priceまたはopen pricingという言葉をカナダで見たことがないので、考えて見ました。どうやらカナダでは製造元が新製品の新聞広告を出すということがほとんどなく、新製品でも小売業者が新聞のおりこみ広告で宣伝するのですべての商品に値段が付いている、ということのようです。

 

3.       文章のほかの文に合わせて簡単にしました。

 

添削後の文章

 

I think I am going to get a new high-end digital camera. So I often glance over newspaper ads and enjoy seeing a variety of items that are equipped with new functions or reduced a lot in weight. Looking for the price information in the ads, I am disappointed to notice the word "open pricing." This instantly puts a damper on my enthusiasm about buying one.  How can I budget for such open priced cameras?

 

 

読者からの投稿 3(Keicoco, 31 August 06

 

I am now reading an advertisement in the newspaper closely because I am going to buy a high-quality digital camera. “Oh, this has been added such new functions. This is also much lighter than previous models. And now, how much is it? Oh, no, it’s an open price.” I murmured. The “open price” killed off all my desire to buy this camera in an instant because I cannot consult with my wallet at all.

 

添削

 

I am now reading looking at an advertisement in the newspaper closely because I am going to buy a high-quality digital camera. Oh, this camera has been added such new functions. This is also much lighter than previous models. And now, how much is it? Oh, no, it’s an open price,.” I murmured1. The “open price” killed off all my desire to buy this camera in an instant because with the open price2 I cannot could not consult with my wallet at all.

 

コメント

 

1.       “Oh, no. It’s an open price.”のところだけ実際に声を出してつぶやいたことにして、前のところは声を出さずに自問自答している、としたらどうでしょうか。

 

2.       投稿の文は「財布と相談できないので、オープンプライスはこのカメラを買う気を失わせた。」という日本文になりますね。日本文として因果関係があるように思えます。これは「(オープンプライスでは)財布と相談できないので」ということが読者にわかるからです。英文ではここのところを明示しないと因果関係が曖昧になります。ここはbecause the open price could not let me consult with my wallet.としてもよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

I am now looking at an advertisement in the newspaper closely because I am going to buy a high-quality digital camera. Oh, this camera has added such new functions. This is also much lighter than previous models. And now, how much is it? “Oh, no, it’s an open price,” I murmured. The “open price” killed off all my desire to buy this camera in an instant because with the open price I could not consult with my wallet at all.

 

 

読者からの投稿 2(さくら、9 June 06

 

Recently I look at newspaper advertisements carefully because I am going to buy a sophisticated digital camera. While I am looking at the ads, I mumble. “Oh, this camera has such a new function. How light this camera is. How much is it? Ad says it is an open price” This open price discourages me from buying that camera because I can not consult with my budget.

 

添削

 

Recently I look at newspaper advertisements carefully because I am going to buy a sophisticated digital camera. While I am looking at the ads, I mumble1. “Oh, this camera has such a new function. How light this camera is.! How much is it? Ad saysOh2, it is an open price” . This open price discourages me from buying that camera because I can not consult with my budget.

 

コメント

 

1.       I mumble, “~”というのが引用句の中が一人で考えている様子がわかってよいですね。

 

2.       Ad saysというと文語体の感じになるので添削のようにしました。

 

添削後の文章

 

Recently I look at newspaper advertisements carefully because I am going to buy a sophisticated digital camera. While I am looking at the ads, I mumble. “Oh, this camera has such a new function. How light this camera is! How much is it? Oh, it is an open price”. This open price discourages me from buying that camera because I can not consult with my budget.

 

 

読者からの投稿 1(rio, 30 May 06

 

I often read a advertisement in the paper because I am thinking of buying a high-quality digital camera. Oh, it such a new function and it becomes so light, well, how about a price? Oh my god! It is an open price. Now I lose my intention to buy a digital camera in a moment. I cannot consult my purse in this price system! 

 

添削

 

I often read a advertisements in the paper because I am thinking of buying a high-quality digital camera. Oh, it this1 has such a new function and it becomes is so light., wWell, how about a the price? Oh my god! It is an open price. Now I lose my intention to buy a digital camera in a moment2. I cannot consult my purse in this open price system! 

 

コメント

 

1.       広告を見ながら、「このカメラ」と言っているのでthisがよいでしょう。或る特別な機種を買いたいと思っていて広告をみていると、そのカメラの最新モデルが出ていた、という状況なら、Oh, it has added such new functions and become so light.と表現できます。thisは目前のもの、itは離れているもの、という感じです。

 

2.       このオープンプライスのカメラを購買する興味は無くなった、というのならNow I lose interest in this camera.となります。オープンプライスといっても大型安売り店の広告やインターネット店の広告には実効価格が載っていますがね。

 

添削後の文章

 

I often read advertisements in the paper because I am thinking of buying a high-quality digital camera. Oh, this has such a new function and is so light. Well, how about the price? Oh my god! It is an open price. Now I lose my intention to buy a digital camera in a moment. I cannot consult my purse in this open price system! 

 

 

初級練習問題 295

 

1912年に大西洋上で氷山と衝突して沈没した英豪華船タイタニック号の米国人乗客で、事故の記憶を持つ最後の生存者だったリリアン・アスプルンドさん(Miss Lillian Asplund)が米マサチューセッツ州の自宅で5月6日に亡くなった。ボート悲劇を共に生き延びた母親の教えを守り、事故についてメディアに語ることはほとんどなかった。

 

読者からの投稿 6(Lucca, 23 October 12

 

American Miss Lillian Asplund, a survivor of the Titanic accident, passed away at home in Massachusetts, the United States on May 6. She was the last person who had the memory of that accident. In 1912, the British luxury liner Titanic hit an iceberg and sank in the Atlantic Ocean when she was on board. Before her death, she never talked about her experience of the accident in front of the media following the advice of her mother who survived with her in the accident.

 

添削

 

An American, Miss Lillian Asplund, was a survivor of the Titanic accident1, She passed away at home in Massachusetts, the United States, on May 6. She was the last person who had the memory of that accident. In 1912, the British luxury liner Titanic hit an iceberg and sank in the Atlantic Ocean when she was on board. Before her death, sShe never talked about her experience of the accident in front of the media following the advice of her mother who also survived with her in the accident.

 

コメント

 

総ての内容がわかります。わかりやすい英文の構成です。

 

1.       An American, Miss Lillian Asplund, a survivor of the Titanic accident, と同格の主語が三つ重なるので、ここまでを一つの文にするとよいでしょう。

 

2.       Before her death,と付けると、「死の床でもこの話はしなかった」というような印象になるので、これは付けない方がよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

An American, Miss Lillian Asplund, was a survivor of the Titanic accident. She passed away at home in Massachusetts, the United States, on May 6. She was the last person who had the memory of that accident. In 1912, the British luxury liner Titanic hit an iceberg and sank in the Atlantic Ocean when she was on board. She never talked about her experience of the accident in front of the media following the advice of her mother who also survived in the accident.

 

 

読者からの添削 5(mxtomi, 22 July 10

 

Miss Lillian Asplund passed away at home in Massachusetts on May 6. She was one of the American passengers on British luxury liner Titanic which sank deep under the Atlantic Ocean after striking an iceberg in 1912 and was the last survivor who had the memory of the accident. She hardly told the media about her experience in the accident strictly abiding by advice from her mother who survived the Titanic disaster together.

 

添削

 

Miss Lillian Asplund passed away at home in Massachusetts on May 6. She was the last survivor who had the memory of the Titanic accident1. one of the American passengers on A British luxury liner, the Titanic, which sank deep under the Atlantic Ocean after striking an iceberg in 1912. and was the last survivor who had the memory of the accident. She hardly told the media almost nothing2 about her experience in the accident, strictly abiding by the advice from her mother who survived the Titanic disaster together with her.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       この情報は早く読者に知らせるのがよいでしょう。

 

2.       このほうが内容が強調できます。

 

添削後の文章

 

Miss Lillian Asplund passed away at home in Massachusetts on May 6. She was the last survivor who had the memory of the Titanic accident. A British luxury liner, the Titanic, sank deep under the Atlantic Ocean after striking an iceberg in 1912. She told the media almost nothing about her experience in the accident, strictly abiding by the advice from her mother who survived the Titanic disaster with her.

 

 

読者からの投稿 4(岩ちゃん、21 December 07

 

Miss Lillian Asplund passed away at her house in Massachusetts State on May 6. The Titanic sank because of a collision with an iceberg in the North Atlantic Ocean in 1912. She was one of American passengers and the last survivor who had the memory of the Titanic disaster. She hardly told media about the disaster because her mother who survived the Titanic disaster told her to abide by her mother's precepts.

 

添削

 

Miss Lillian Asplund passed away at her house in Massachusetts State on May 6. The Titanic sank because of a collision with an iceberg in the North Atlantic Ocean in 1912. She was one of American passengers and the last survivor who had the memory of the Titanic disaster in which a luxury liner, the Titanic, sank when she collided with an iceberg in the North Atlantic Ocean in 1912. She hardly told the media almost nothing about the disaster because her mother who also survived the Titanic disaster told her not to and she abide strictly followed by her mother's precepts order.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。2番目の文の内容を文章のどこに入れるか難しいですが、添削では内容の流れがよいようにしました。

 

添削後の文章

 

Miss Lillian Asplund passed away at her house in Massachusetts on May 6.. She was one of American passengers and the last survivor who had the memory of the Titanic disaster in which a luxury liner, the Titanic, sank when she collided with an iceberg in the North Atlantic Ocean in 1912. She told the media almost nothing about the disaster because her mother who also survived the Titanic disaster told her not to and she strictly followed her mother's  order.

 

 

読者からの投稿 3(マウント60、3 October 06

 

Miss Lillian Asplund, an American passenger and the last survivor with firsthand experience of the Titanic disaster, died at home in Massachusetts, U.S. on May 6. The luxury English liner had sunk in the Atlantic Ocean after hitting a massive iceberg in 1912. She seldom gave an account of the accident to the press, following the instructions by her mother who had also survived the ship tragedy.

 

添削

 

Miss Lillian Asplund, an American passenger and the last survivor with the firsthand experience1 of the Titanic disaster, died at home in Massachusetts, U.S. on May 6. The luxury English liner had sunk in the Atlantic Ocean after hitting a massive iceberg in 1912. She seldom2 gave an account of the accident to the press, following the instructions by her mother who had also survived the ship tragedy.

 

コメント

 

1.       他にもまだ生存者はいるそうですが、沈没当時幼児で事故の記憶がないそうです。

 

2.       メディアに事故を話したことはほとんどなく、話の内容もごく短かったそうです。She told the media almost nothing about her experience.が実際に近いようです。

 

添削後の文章

 

Miss Lillian Asplund, an American passenger and the last survivor with the firsthand experience of the Titanic disaster, died at home in Massachusetts, U.S. on May 6. The luxury English liner had sunk in the Atlantic Ocean after hitting a massive iceberg in 1912. She seldom gave an account of the accident to the press, following the instructions by her mother who had also survived the tragedy.

 

 

読者からの投稿 2(さくら、11 June 06

 

Miss Lillian Asplund, a last survivor of the Titanic, died at her home in Massachusetts, U.S. on May 6. The Titanic, an English luxurious passenger ship, sank in the Atlantic Ocean after colliding with an iceberg in 1912. Miss Asplund remembered the tragic accident, but following her mother’s teaching, she never told about the accident to the media in her life. Her mother was also a survivor of the accident.

 

添削

 

Miss Lillian Asplund, a the last survivor of the Titanic, died at her home in Massachusetts, U.S. on May 6. The Titanic, an English luxurious passenger ship, sank in the Atlantic Ocean after colliding with an iceberg in 1912. Miss Asplund remembered the tragic accident, but following her mother’s teaching, she never told about the accident to the media in her life. Her mother was also a survivor of the accident.

 

コメント

 

日本文は長い長い連帯形修飾節で始まっていますが、さくらさんは内容をよく整理してから英文で表現していますね。とてもわかりやすい構成になっています。「タイタニック号の最後の生存者、アスプルンドさんが亡くなった。」という内容をキーセンテンスにして文章の始めに置いたのがよいですね。

 

添削後の文章

 

Miss Lillian Asplund, the last survivor of the Titanic, died at her home in Massachusetts, U.S. on May 6. The Titanic, an English luxurious passenger ship, sank in the Atlantic Ocean after colliding with an iceberg in 1912. Miss Asplund remembered the tragic accident, but following her mother’s teaching, she never told about the accident to the media in her life. Her mother was also a survivor of the accident.

 

 

読者からの投稿 1(rio, 9 June 06

 

Miss Lillian Asplund, she is an American passenger of the Titanic which collided with an iceberg and went down on the Atlantic in 1912, and she is a last survivor who has a memory of this accident died at home Massachusetts on May 6. She did what her mother said, she and her mother survived the tragic on the boat, and she hardly told media about the accident.

 

添削

 

Miss Lillian Asplund, who she is was an American passenger of the Titanic which collided with an iceberg and went down on in the Atlantic in 1912, and she is was a the last survivor who has had a memory of this accident1. She died at home in Massachusetts on May 6. Her mother also survived the tragedy2. But Sshe did held to what her mother said had told her, she and her mother survived the tragic on the boat, and she hardly told the media about how they survived3 the accident.

 

コメント

 

1.       関係代名詞が幾つも出てくるので、このようにすると文全体の構成がよくわかるでしょう。

 

2.       この内容を文章のどこに入れるか難しいですが、ここに入れると次の文の内容との関連がよくわかるようになるでしょう。

 

3.       日本文に「ボート悲劇」とありますね。私はこの文章を最初に読んだときに見過ごしていましたが、映画タイタニックの最後の方の場面を思い出すと、ボートで逃げ延びた人達にもいろいろな悲劇があったようです。このようなことを指しているのだと想像してhow they survived the accidentとしました。

 

添削後の文章

 

Miss Lillian Asplund, who was an American passenger of the Titanic which collided with an iceberg and went down in the Atlantic in 1912, was the last survivor who had a memory of this accident. She died at home in Massachusetts on May 6. Her mother also survived the tragedy. But she held to what her mother had told her and hardly told the media about how they survived the accident.

 

 

初級練習問題 296

 

昼下がりの都心の地下鉄。すでに引退してしばらくたつ感じの紳士が赤と緑の紙テープでバラのコサージュを次々と作っている。紳士の隣の中年女性が見とれていると、紳士は「はい、美人バラ」とにっこり笑って女性に贈呈した。

 

読者からの投稿(Lucca, 23 October 12

 

At a downtown subway station in the early afternoon, a retired man was making rose corsages with red and green paper tapes one after another. When a middle-aged woman next to him was looking at his manual works with interest, he gave a corsage to her with smile by saying, " Here you are, this rose is for your beauty."

 

添削

 

At a downtown subway station in the early afternoon, a retired man was sitting on the bench1 making rose corsages with red and green paper tapes one after another. When he noticed that a middle-aged woman sitting next to him was looking at his manual works with interest, he gave a corsage to her with a smile, by saying, " Here it is you are, this rose is for a beautiful lady your beauty2."

 

コメント

 

内容のすべてがわかります。

 

1.       私は地下鉄の車内の出来事だとおもいましたが、地下鉄の駅構内でもいいですね。ただし、ベンチに座ってコサージュを作った方がよいでしょう。

 

2.       for your beautyでは少し直接過ぎるので、for a beautiful lady にしました。the ではなくて一般的なaにしたのがくふうです。

 

添削後の文章

 

At a downtown subway station in the early afternoon, a retired man was sitting on the bench making rose corsages with red and green paper tapes one after another. When he noticed that a middle-aged woman sitting next to him was looking at his manual work with interest, he gave a corsage to her with a smile, saying, " Here it is, this rose is for a beautiful lady."

 

 

読者からの投稿 6(mxtomi, 27 July 10

 

On a subway train running through downtown Tokyo in the early afternoon, a gentleman who looks like an experienced retiree was making corsages in the shape of rose with paper tapes colored red and green one after another. Sitting next to him, a middle aged woman was watching with admiration what he was doing. Turning to her, the gentleman handed her one of the corsages with a smile saying “Here you are, the rose for a beautiful lady”.

 

添削

 

In the early afternoon1 Oon a subway train in running through downtown Tokyo in the early afternoon, a gentleman who looksed like an experienced retiree was making corsages in the shape of rose with paper tapes colored red and green one after another. Sitting next to him, a middle- aged woman was watching with admiration what he was doing. Turning to her, the gentleman handed her one of the corsages with a smile saying “Here it is2 you are, a beautiful the rose for a beautiful lady3”.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       「昼下がり」を前に置くと、on a subway traina gentlemanが近くなるのでよいでしょう。

 

2.       Here you are.「あたなにどうぞ」という感じですね。Here it is.は「このコサージュをどうぞ」で注意が手でもったコサージュにいきます。

 

3.       「はい、美人バラ」はいろいろと英語表現を考えるのが楽しいですね。わたしはa beautiful rose for a beautiful lady「美しいバラは美しい女性に似合う」と表現を一般的にして(a rose a lady)、直接にはコサージュとこ女性には言及しませんでした。奥ゆかしい表現のようですが、実際には「「美しいバラは美しい女性に似合うという表現がが私に似合うのかしら」とこの女性を良い気分にさせる表現です。

 

添削後の文章

 

In the early afternoon on a subway train in downtown Tokyo, a gentleman who looked like an experienced retiree was making corsages in the shape of rose with paper tapes colored red and green one after another. Sitting next to him, a middle-aged woman was watching with admiration what he was doing. Turning to her, the gentleman handed her one of the corsages with a smile saying “Here it is, a beautiful rose for a beautiful lady”.

 

 

読者からの投稿 5(岩ちゃん、27 December 07

 

A gentleman who looked like having already retired several years ago stood at a downtown subway in the early afternoon. He was making rose corsages one after another with red and green paper tapes. When a middle-aged woman next to him was admiring him, he gave it to her with a smile. He said "Well, this is a rose for a beautiful woman".

 

添削

 

A gentleman, who looked like having already retired several years ago1, stood at a downtown subway in the early afternoon. He was making rose corsages one after another with red and green paper tapes on the subway train in the early afternoon. When a middle-aged woman sitting next to him was admired those corsages2 admiring him, he gave one of them it to her with a smile. He said to her, "Well, this is a rose for a beautiful woman".

 

コメント

 

英文の内容はわかりますが、stood at a downtown subwayが地下鉄になりません。a subwayは地下道の意味もあるので、都心の地下道に立ってコサージュを作っていた、となります。この英文では、これでも文章の内容は整合性がありますが、日本文の内容とは違ってきます。

 

1.       この紳士の説明は関係代名詞の非限定用法にして、この紳士が何をしていたかを主節にするとわかりやすいでしょう。

 

2.       admired himは、彼にあこがれる、みとれる、となるので、みとれたのはコサージュとするとよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

A gentleman, who looked like having already retired several years ago, was making rose corsages one after another with red and green paper tapes on the subway train in the early afternoon. When a middle-aged woman sitting next to him admired those corsages, he gave one of them to her with a smile. He said to her, "Well, this is a rose for a beautiful woman".

 

 

読者からの投稿 4(マウント60、5 October 06

 

In the subway running in the center of Tokyo early afternoon, a gentleman who seemed to have started a retired life some time before was making corsages of roses made of red and green paper tapes one after another. A middle-aged woman sitting next to him was gazing at him and the gentleman offered her one of the corsages with a smile, saying "Here is a beautiful rose for a beautiful lady."

 

添削

 

One early afternoon1 Ion the subway running in the center of Tokyo early afternoon, a gentleman who seemed to have started a retired life some time before was making corsages of roses made of red and green paper tapes one after another. As the gentleman noticed2 Aa middle-aged woman sitting next to him was gazing at him, he and the gentleman offered her one of the corsages with a smile, saying, "Here is a beautiful rose for a beautiful lady."

 

コメント

 

1.       投稿では「昼下がりの都心を走る地下鉄の中で」と下線の部分が強調されるので、添削のように「ある昼下がりのこと、都心を走る地下鉄の中で」としました。

 

2.       Asで次の文との関連を付けると、「紳士はふと〜に気づいて」という感じに文に動きが出ます。

 

添削後の文章

 

One early afternoon on the subway running in the center of Tokyo, a gentleman who seemed to have started a retired life some time before was making corsages of roses made of red and green paper tapes one after another. As the gentleman noticed a middle-aged woman sitting next to him gazing at him, he offered her one of the corsages with a smile, saying, "Here is a beautiful rose for a beautiful lady."

 

 

読者からの投稿 3(Keicoco, 30 August 06

 

On the subway in downtown Tokyo one early afternoon, a gentleman, who seemed to have been in retirement for a long time, was making one rose-shaped corsage after another out of red and green paper ribbons. When the man saw a middle-aged woman sitting next to him and gazing on his busy fingers, he held out one of the corsages to her. “Here, a beautiful rose for you a beautiful woman,” he proudly said with a big smile and put the corsage in her hand.

 

添削

 

One early afternoon Oon the subway in downtown Tokyo one early afternoon1, a gentleman, who seemed to have been in retirement for a long time, was making one rose-shaped corsage after another out of red and green paper ribbons. When the gentleman saw a middle-aged woman sitting next to him and gazing on at his busy fingers, he held out one of the corsages to her2. “Here, a beautiful rose for you a beautiful woman3,” he proudly said with a big smile and put the corsage in her hand.

 

コメント

 

1.       One early afternoon on the subway in downtown Tokyo, a gentleman was making ~. の順序のほうがOn the subway in downtown Tokyo one early afternoon, a gentle was making ~ より自然に聞こえます。この「自然さ」の理由を考えてみました。次の例がヒントになります。A gentleman was making a corsage on the train in downtown Tokyo one early afternoon.のほうがA gentleman was making a corsage one early afternoon on the train in downtown Tokyoより自然に聞こえます。つまりone early afternoonon the subway in downtown Tokyoの順序の自然さはこの句が文頭に来るか、文末に来るかで違うようです。文頭に来る場合は広い状況から狭い状況の順序にして、a gentleman was making a corsageという場面にだんだんとズーム・インして行くので、one early afternoonを最初にするとと自然に聞こえます。逆に文末に来るときはA gentleman was making a corsageという具体的な場面に近いところから遠いところへという順序でズーム・アウトすると自然に聞こえます。

 

2.       Keicocoさんは日本文の内容を補完して状況がよくわかるように工夫していますね。「紳士の隣の中年女性が見とれていると、紳士は、はい、美人バラ、とにっこり笑って女性に贈呈した。」では文を二つに分け、最初の文は主語を紳士にして「紳士は隣に座っている中年の女性が紳士の手元をじっと見つめているのに気が付くと、バラのコサージュを一つさしだした。」として、さて次はどうなるかな、と読者に気を持たしています。

 

3.       “Here, a beautiful rose for you a beautiful woman.”では “Here, a beautiful rose for you, a beautiful woman.”とコンマのところで一度息をついて話すでしょうね。「きれいなバラをどうぞ、お美しい方ですね。」”Here, a beautiful rose for a beautiful woman.”とすると一気に最後まで言うので、「きれいな方にはきれいなバラを」という感じですね。わたしは前者はa beautiful womanというのが一つのステートメントになっているので、こうはっきりと言うことは無いでしょう。後者は言えないこともないでしょうね。この紳士は実際は「はい、美人バラ」とあっさりうまいことを言いましたね。

 

添削後の文章

 

One early afternoon on the subway in downtown Tokyo, a gentleman, who seemed to have been in retirement for a long time, was making one rose-shaped corsage after another out of red and green paper ribbons. When the gentleman saw a middle-aged woman sitting next to him gazing at his busy fingers, he held out one of the corsages to her. “Here, a beautiful rose for you a beautiful woman,” he proudly said with a big smile and put the corsage in her hand.

 

 

読者からの投稿 2(さくら、11 June 06

 

This happened on a train in one afternoon. A gentleman who seemed to have long lived in his retirement was churning out rose corsages with red and green tapes. A woman sitting next to him gazed at him. Then, the gentleman told to the woman “for a beautiful lady” and held out a corsage with a friendly smile.

 

添削

 

This happened on a subway train in downtown Tokyo in one afternoon. A gentleman who seemed to have long lived in his retirement was churning out1 rose corsages with from2 red and green tapes. A woman sitting next to him gazed at1 him. Then, the gentleman told said to the woman,A beautiful rose for a beautiful lady,” and held out1 a corsage to her with a friendly smile.

 

コメント

 

1.       churn out, gaze at, held outという動詞がこの情景によくあっていて文章に視覚的な効果をだしていますね。

 

2.       withだと本物のバラのコサージュに赤と緑のテープを巻いている、という意味になります。

 

添削後の文章

 

This happened on a subway train in downtown Tokyo one afternoon. A gentleman who seemed to have long lived in his retirement was churning out rose corsages from red and green tapes. A woman sitting next to him gazed at him. Then, the gentleman said to the woman, “A beautiful rose for a beautiful lady,” and held out a corsage to her with a friendly smile.

 

 

読者からの投稿 1(rio, 10 June 06

 

Early in the afternoon, at the subway in the downtown area. A gentleman, who looks like that he has already passed long time since he had retired, makes rosy corsages with green and red paper tapes one after another. When a middle-aged woman next to a gentleman was fascinated by it, a gentleman said "Here, this is a rose for beautiful woman" and gave her a corsage with a smile. 

 

添削

 

Early in the afternoon, at on the subway in the downtown area1. A gentleman, who looksed2 like that he hasd already passed long time since he had3 retired, makes was making rosye4 corsages with out of 5green and red paper tapes one after another. When a middle-aged woman next to a the gentleman was fascinated by it, a the gentleman said, "Here, this is a rose for a beautiful woman," and gave her a corsage with a smile. 

 

コメント

 

1.       これは文ではなくて句ですが、小説などの情景描写には良く使われますね。全体に情景がわかりやすく英文で表現したありますね。

 

2.       この日本文は新聞の投書を題材にしていて、投書をした人が実際に見た情景だそうです。英文の後半が過去形になっているので、ここも過去形にして統一します。

 

3.       既にhad passedとあって時間関係がわかるので、ここは単に過去形にしたほうがよいでしょう。

 

4.       a rosy corsage ばら色のコサージュではなくて、a rose corsageバラの形をしたコサージュだとおもいます。

 

5.       out of ~とすると、紙テープが形を変えてコサージュになっていく、という光景がはっきりします。

 

添削後の文章

 

Early in the afternoon on the subway in the downtown area. A gentleman, who looked like that he had passed long time since he retired, was making rose corsages out of green and red paper tapes one after another. When a middle-aged woman next to the gentleman was fascinated by it, the gentleman said, "Here, this is a rose for a beautiful woman," and gave her a corsage with a smile. 

 

 

初級練習問題 297

 

おもちゃや日用品から住宅、公共スペースまで、子供をとりまくあらゆる環境で事故をなくそうと、メーカーや研究機関が共同で「キッズデザイン協会」と設立する。子供の目線から事故原因を究明し、子供が暮らしやすい環境を追及する。

 

読者からの投稿 6(Lucca, 30 October 12

 

Companies and research institutions are going to establish jointly the "Kids Design Association" to reduce accidents in the environment surrounding children. There are many things from toys and daily goods to housings and public places which have the potential to harm children around children. The association will aim to find out the cause of accidents by looking through child's eyes and create child-friendly environment.

 

添削

 

Companies and research institutions are going to establish jointly the "Kids Design Association" to reduce accidents in the environment surrounding children. There are many things from toys and daily goods to housings and public places which have the potential to harm children around children. The association will aim to find out the causes of accidents by examining the environment from a viewpoint of children looking through child's eyes1 and to2 create a child-friendly environment.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       looking through child's eyesとすると子供の眼の検査のような印象が伴うので、添削のような常套句がよいでしょう。

 

2.       The association is aim to find A and to create B.と言う構文ですが、Aの部分が長いので、ここはtoを省略せずに入れた方がよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

Companies and research institutions are going to establish jointly the "Kids Design Association" to reduce accidents in the environment surrounding children. There are many things from toys and daily goods to housings and public places which have the potential to harm children. The association will aim to find out the causes of accidents by examining the environment from a viewpoint of children and to create a child-friendly environment.

 

 

読者からの投稿 5(mxtomi, 28 July 10

 

In an effort to eliminate accidents in any environments around children, from toys, daily goods, houses to public facilities, manufacturers and research institutes are going to jointly establish the ”Society of Designs for Kids”. The aim of the organization is to ascertain the causes of accidents from the viewpoint of a child, thereby pursuing ideal environment friendly and comfortable to children.

 

添削

 

In an effort to eliminate children’s accidents1 in all phase of their life any environments around children, from including toys, daily goods, houses and to public facilities, some manufacturers and research institutes are going to jointly establish the ”Society of Designs for Kids”. The aim of the organization is to analyze ascertain the causes of those accidents from a the viewpoint of a child, thereby pursuing an ideal environment friendly and comfortable to children.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       children’s accidentsと直裁な表現のほうがよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

In an effort to eliminate children’s accidents in all phase of their life including toys, daily goods, houses and public facilities, some manufacturers and research institutes are going to jointly establish the ”Society of Designs for Kids”. The aim of the organization is to analyze  the causes of those accidents from a viewpoint of a child, thereby pursuing an ideal environment friendly and comfortable to children.

 

読者からの投稿 4(岩ちゃん、7 January 08

 

Children had an accident in every circumstances surrounding them such as toys, necessaries, houses, and public spaces. Makers and research institutes will establish "the Kids Design Association" to guard children from accidents. The association is aimed at investigating the cause of accidents from a child's point of view so that it arranges circumstances in which children can live safely.

 

添削

 

Children have had an accidents in all kinds of every circumstances surrounding them such as toys, daily necessaries, houses, and public places spaces. To guard children from accidents1, manufacturers Makers and research institutes will jointly establish "the Kids Design Association." to guard children from accidents. The association is aimed at investigating the causes of accidents from a child's point of view so that it can contribute to the development of arranges the circumstances environment2 in which children can live safely.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       このようにすると、前の文とのつながりがよくなります。

 

2.       the circumstances of an accidentはある事故の要因となった特別な条件という意味ですから、ここではもっと一般的な状況the environmentにします。

 

添削後の文章

 

Children have had accidents in all kinds of circumstances surrounding them such as toys, daily necessaries, houses, and public places. To guard children from accidents, manufacturers and research institutes will jointly establish "the Kids Design Association." The association is aimed at investigating the causes of accidents from a child's point of view so that it can contribute to the development of the environment in which children can live safely.

 

 

読者からの投稿 3(マウント60、13 October 06

 

Manufacturers and research institutions are jointly going to establish the "Kids Design Association" in order to get rid of accidents in various circumstances surrounding children.  The activity is targeted at everything ranging from toys and everyday commodities to houses and public areas. The aim of the association is to investigate causes of accidents from children's perspective to pursue the creation of circumstances in which children can live comfortably.

 

添削

 

Manufacturers and research institutions are jointly going to establish the "Kids Design Association" in order to get rid of accidents in various circumstances surrounding children.  The activity is targeted at everything ranging from toys and everyday commodities to houses and public areas. The aim of the association is to investigate the causes of accidents from a children's perspective to pursue the creation of circumstances in which children can live safely1 and comfortably.

 

コメント

 

1.       事故の無い環境を目指す、ということなのでsafelyをいれるとよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

Manufacturers and research institutions are jointly going to establish the "Kids Design Association" in order to get rid of accidents in various circumstances surrounding children.  The activity is targeted at everything ranging from toys and everyday commodities to houses and public areas. The aim of the association is to investigate the causes of accidents from a children's perspective to pursue the creation of circumstances in which children can live safely and comfortably.

 

 

読者からの投稿 2(さくら、13 June 06

 

Manufacturers and research institutions jointly founded an “Association of Designs for Kids”. This association is aimed to prevent children from being involved in accidents. Everything from toys, commodities, houses to public spaces that surround children is target to look over again. They will study reasons of accidents from viewpoints of children and pursue the most comfortable environment to live for children.

 

添削

 

Manufacturers and research institutions jointly founded an the1 “Association of Designs for Kids”2. This association is aimed to at preventing children from being getting involved in accidents. Everything from toys, commodities, houses to public spaces that surround children is targeted to be looked3 over again. They The association4 will study reasons of for accidents from the viewpoints of children and pursue a safe5 and the most comfortable environment to live for children.

 

コメント

 

1.       これは固有名詞なので初出ですが定冠詞をつけます。

 

2.       キーセンテンスがはっきりしていていいですね。日本文は連体形修飾節で文章を始めることが多いので、キーセンテンスが文章の始めに来ないことが多いです。英文では始めに置くことが多いので注意を要します。長い日本文で内容が複雑なときは、先ずキーセンテンスを考えて、英文の始めに置くと文章の構成を考えるのが楽になります。

 

3.       Everything ~が主語ですから、ここはto be looked afterと受動態になります。

 

4.       文章にすでにthe associationと出てくるので、おなじ表現を用いるのがよいでしょう。

 

5.       「子供が暮らしやすい」と日本文にありますが、文章の要旨から考えて「安全な」という意味ですから、ここではa safe and comfortable environmentがよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

Manufacturers and research institutions jointly founded the “Association of Designs for Kids”. This association is aimed at preventing children from getting involved in accidents. Everything from toys, commodities, houses to public spaces that surround children is targeted to be looked over again. The association will study reasons for accidents from the viewpoint of children and pursue a safe and comfortable environment for children.

 

 

読者からの投稿 1(rio,10 June 06

 

From toys and household goods to houses and public places, in every environment surrounds children, we try to stop accidents and establish "The kids design association" by manufacturers in cooperation with research organizations. We clear up the causes of accidents with the eyes of children and pursue the environment children live easily and safely.

 

添削

 

In every environment surrounding children1 Ffrom toys and household goods to houses and public places, in every environment surrounds children, we2 try want to stop accidents. That is the reason why3 we are going to  and establish "The Association for Safe Designs for kKids4 design association" by manufacturers in cooperation with research organizations. We try to clear up the causes of accidents with by adopting the viewpoint eyes of children and pursue the environment where children can live easily and safely.

 

 

コメント

 

1.       これを先に置くとオモチャ以下のことが、この環境の具体的なものだとよくわかります。

 

2.       Weとするとこの文章の主体(この文章を書いた人)がこれらの製品をつくる人達になりますね。面白い発想です。このためには文章全体でこの主体の視点から書くように主語を選ばなければなりません。

 

3.       ここから新しい文にすると内容がはっきりします。

 

4.       「キッズデザイン協会」というような名称を英文で表現するときは、日本語にとらわれないで(日本語は内容を省略して短く名称を付けています)、どのような内容を持った名称なのかを英文で説明するようにします。ここでは「子供に安全なデザインを開発する教会」ですね。

 

添削後の文章

 

In every environment surrounding children from toys and household goods to houses and public places, we want to stop accidents. That is the reason why we are going to establish "The Association for Safe Designs for Kids" in cooperation with research organizations. We try to clear up the causes of accidents by adopting the viewpoint of children and pursue the environment where children can live easily and safely.

 

 

初級練習問題 298

 

日本商工会議所は5月11日に発表した少子化問題に関する報告書で、出生率低下に歯止めをかけるために、日本でも北欧諸国のように同居など事実上の結婚生活を送った後、出産、子育てにいたるケースを社会的に許容すべきだと提言した。

 

読者からの投稿 6(Lucca, 31 October 12

 

On May 11, the Japan Chamber of Commerce and Industry released a report on the low birthrate issue. In order to stop the low birthrate, this report recommended that Japanese society should treat unmarried couples who have babies and grow children almost the same as married couples like Scandinavian countries do.

 

添削

 

On May 11, the Japan Chamber of Commerce and Industry released a report on the low birthrate issue. In order to stop the low birthrate, this report recommendeds that Japanese society should treat unmarried couples who have babies and grow children together just like legally almost the same as married couples like Scandinavian countries do.

 

コメント

 

事実上の結婚と制度的な結婚 (legally married couples)をはっきりさせて、両者を(制度上)同一に扱う、ことが文章の要点です。添削のようにするとよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

On May 11, the Japan Chamber of Commerce and Industry released a report on the low birthrate issue. In order to stop the low birthrate, this report recommends that Japanese society should treat unmarried couples who have babies and grow children together just like legally married couples like Scandinavian countries do.

 

 

読者からの投稿 5(mxtomi, 29 July 10

 

The Japan Chamber of Commerce and Industry released a report on the low birthrate problem on May 11. The report, in order to halt the lowering birth rate, proposed that unmarried couples be socially and legitimately allowed here in Japan to give birth and rear children after having experienced a de facto marriage status such as cohabitation over a certain period of time, as commonly seen in countries in north Europe.

 

添削

 

The Japan Chamber of Commerce and Industry released a report on the low birthrate problem on May 11. The report, in order to halt the lowering birth rate, proposed that unmarried couples be socially and legitimately legally accepted as married couples allowed here in Japan after they had to give birth and rear children after having experienced a de facto marriage status such as cohabitation over a certain period of time,. This would encourage them to give birth and rear children1. Such arrangements are as commonly seen in countries in north Europe.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       この内容を独立の文にしたほうが因果関係わかりやすくなります。

 

添削後の文章

 

The Japan Chamber of Commerce and Industry released a report on the low birthrate problem on May 11. The report, in order to halt the lowering birth rate, proposed that unmarried couples be socially and legally accepted as married couples in Japan after they had experienced a de facto marriage status such as cohabitation over a certain period of time. This would encourage them to give birth and rear children. Such arrangements are  commonly seen in countries in north Europe.

 

 

読者からの投稿 4(岩ちゃん、8 January 08

 

The Japan Chamber of Commerce and Industry announced a report about the low birthrate problem on May 11. In case a man and a woman are in a de facto state of marriage such as concubinage and afterward, they have a child and raise it, societies in Northern Europe countries permit them socially. The report proposed that the society in Japan should permit such a case to stop a decline in the birthrate.

 

添削

 

The Japan Chamber of Commerce and Industry announced released a report about the low birthrate problem on May 11. In case When a man and a woman are in a de facto state of marriage such as concubinage and afterward living together for a while and then, they have a child and raise a childit, societies in Northern Europe countries permit accept them socially without prejudice. The report proposed that the Japanese society in Japan should follow these examples and accept permit such a lifestyle case to stop a decline in the birthrate.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかりますが、In case a man and a womanから始まる文は添削のように従属節を変えるとわかりやすくなります。私の辞書にはconcubinateという単語は見つからないので簡単にしました。

 

添削後の文章

 

The Japan Chamber of Commerce and Industry released a report about the low birthrate problem on May 11. When a man and a woman are in a de facto state of marriage such as  living together for a while and then have and raise a child, societies in Northern Europe countries accept them socially without prejudice. The report proposed that Japanese society  should follow these examples and accept such a lifestyle to stop a decline in the birthrate.

 

 

読者からの投稿 3(マウント60、17 October 06

 

The Japan Chamber of Commerce and Industry issued on May 11 a report on the country's ever-shrinking number of children. The report proposed that Japanese society also accept those who have given birth to and raised children after having a de-facto married life by living together as in Northern European courtiers in order to stave off the declining birthrate.

 

添削

 

The Japan Chamber of Commerce and Industry issued on May 11 a report on the country's ever-shrinking number of children1. The report proposed that Japanese society also should socially2 accept those who have given birth to and raised children after having a de-facto married life by living together as in like Northern European courtiers in order to stave off the declining birthrate.

 

コメント

 

1.       「日本少子化問題」は説明すると長くなりますが、Japan’s ever-shrinking number of childrenはわかりやすいですね。

 

2.       「社会的に許容すべき」はJapanese society should accept those who ~ とすると、許容する対象がthose who ~となり、Japanese society should accept more foreign refugees.といた文章との関連で不自然に聞こえます。Japanese society should accept the lifestyle of those who ~というようにするか、Japan should socially accept those who ~とするとよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

The Japan Chamber of Commerce and Industry issued on May 11 a report on the country's ever-shrinking number of children. The report proposed that Japan should socially accept those who have given birth to and raised children after having a de-facto married life by living together like Northern European courtiers in order to stave off the declining birthrate.

 

 

読者からの投稿 2(さくら、15 June 06

 

Japan Chamber of Commerce and Industry made suggestions to stop Japanese declining birthrate in a report shown on May 11. They suggest that Japanese society should approve single mothers and unmarried couples like Scandinavian countries. Recently some women choose to live with their partners without legally register their marriages. Even after giving birth to child, they prefer not to register their marriages and raise their children with or without their partners.

 

添削

 

Japan Chamber of Commerce and Industry made suggestions to stop the Japanese declining birthrate in Japan in a report shown released on May 11. They suggest that Japanese society should approve accept1 single mothers and unmarried couples like Scandinavian countries. Recently some women choose to live with their partners without legally register their marriages. Even after giving birth to a child, they prefer not to register their marriages and raise their children with or without their partners2.

 

コメント

 

1.       approveですと法的な処置も含むような意味になります。acceptは社会的に受容する、という意味になります。文章の後半の内容から見ると、approveかもしれませんね。

 

2.       さくらさんは日本文の内容を補足説明した論旨を展開しています。説得力がありますね。

 

添削後の文章

 

Japan Chamber of Commerce and Industry made suggestions to stop the declining birthrate in Japan in a report released on May 11. They suggest that Japanese society should accept1 single mothers and unmarried couples like Scandinavian countries. Recently some women choose to live with their partners without legally register their marriages. Even after giving birth to a child, they prefer not to register their marriages and raise their children with or without their partners.

 

 

読者からの投稿 1(rio,13 June 06

 

In the report related to the problem towards having fewer children, announced by the Chamber of Commerce and Industry in Japan, they suggested that we should allow socially, like Northern Europe countries, the case which couples practically passed married life, for example living together, after that, had a baby, reared children to stop declining the birthrate.

 

添削

 

In the report related to the problem towards of having fewer children  announced released on May 11, by the Japan Chamber of Commerce and Industry1 in Japan ,they suggested that we should socially allow accept2 socially, like Northern EuropeEuropean countries, a new type of family3 the case in which couples who are practically passed married life, for example living together for a while, after that, had have a baby and make a family4, reared children in order5 to stop the declining the birthrate.

 

コメント

 

1.       the Japan Chamber of Commerce and Industryと明記して主語にすると文がはっきりするでしょう。

 

2.       allowよりacceptのほうが能動的な内容なので、ここでは新しい家庭の携帯を能動的に受け入れる、という意味でacceptにしました。

 

3.       a new type of familyと補足説明を入れるとわかりやすくなるでしょう。

 

4.       「出産、子育て」と日本文にありますが、have a baby and rear himというのは同じような意味の繰り返しになるのでhave a baby and make a familyとしました。

 

5.       「〜のために」が文の最後にくるのでin order to ~in orderをいれて目立つようにしました。

 

添削後の文章

 

In the report related to the problem of having fewer children released on May 11, the Japan Chamber of Commerce and Industry suggested that we should socially accept, like Northern European countries, a new type of family in which couples who are practically married, for example living together for a while, have a baby and make a family in order to stop the declining the birthrate.

 

 

初級練習問題 299

 

冷たい雨が降る冬の夜、人を待つ私のそばの花壇のまえに若い男女が数人うずくまって段ボールの中をのぞいている。私ものぞくと、生まれたばかりの子猫が五匹すてられていた。若者は子猫をもらってくれる人を待っていたのだ。わたしは牛乳代をカンパして立ち去ったが、翌日通りかかるとまだ段ボールがある。中をのぞくとカードが一枚。「牛乳をありがとう。子猫は皆もらわれていきました。」と書いてあった。

 

読者からの投稿 8(Lucca, 31 October 12

 

At a chill rainy night in winter, young boys and girls were crouching and looking into a cardboard box in front of a flowerbed when I was waiting for a person by the flowerbed. I also looked into the box and found five abandoned newborn kittens in it. Young people were waiting for someone who wanted the kittens. I left money to be spend in milk for the kittens. Next day, the box was at the same place. I looked into it again, but the kittens were gone. Instead, I found a letter from the young people saying, "Thank you for the milk. All of the kittens were adopted."

 

添削

 

On At a chilly and rainy winter night in winter, I saw1 young boys and girls were crouching and looking into a cardboard box in front of a flowerbed when I was waiting for a person by the flowerbed. I also looked into the box and found five abandoned newborn kittens in it. Young people were waiting for someone who wanted the kittens. I left money to be spend in on milk for the kittens. Next day, I found the box was at the same place. I looked into it again,. but tThe kittens were all gone. Instead, I found a letter from the young people saying, "Thank you for the milk. All of the kittens were adopted."

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       この記事を書いた人と若い人との関係を文章の始まりではっきりさせると、物語が読みやすくなります。

 

添削後の文章

 

On a chilly and rainy winter night, I saw young boys and girls crouching and looking into a cardboard box in front of a flowerbed when I was waiting for a person by the flowerbed. I also looked into the box and found five abandoned newborn kittens in it. Young people were waiting for someone who wanted the kittens. I left money to be spend on milk for the kittens. Next day, I found the box at the same place. I looked into it again. The kittens were all gone. Instead, I found a letter from the young people saying, "Thank you for the milk. All of the kittens were adopted."

 

 

読者からの投稿 7(OKEN, 28 July 12

 

On a cold rainy winter night, I was waiting for someone and found some young men and women crouching in front of a flowerbed beside me and looking in a cardboard box. I also looked in the box and noticed that five newborn kittens were abandoned. The young people were waiting for a person who wanted to have the kittens. I offered some money to buy milk and left there. As I passed there the next day, I noticed that there was still the box. I looked in it and found a card saying “Thank you for offering money for milk. All the kittens were successfully placed with some kind people.”

 

添削

 

On a cold rainy winter night, while I was waiting for someone, and I found some young men and women crouching in front of a flowerbed beside me and looking into a cardboard box. I also looked into the box and saw noticed that five newborn kittens were left abandoned in the box. The young people were waiting for a person who wanted to have the kittens. I offered them some money to buy milk for the kittens and left there. As I passed there the next day, I noticed that there was still the box. I looked into it and found a card saying, “Thank you for offering money for milk. All the kittens were successfully placed with some kind people.”

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。添削は文章を少し読みやすくしたつもりです。

 

添削後の文章

 

On a cold rainy winter night, while I was waiting for someone, I found some young men and women crouching in front of a flowerbed beside me and looking into a cardboard box. I also looked into the box and saw five newborn kittens left abandoned in the box. The young people were waiting for a person who wanted to have the kittens. I offered them some money to buy milk for the kittens and left there. As I passed there the next day, I noticed that there was still the box. I looked into it and found a card saying, “Thank you for offering money for milk. All the kittens were successfully placed with some kind people.”

 

 

読者からの投稿 6(mxtomi, 31 July 10

 

On a cold rainy winter evening, I was waiting for someone near a flowerbed on a street corner. Noticing a few young men and women huddling round and looking in a carton box beside the flowerbed, I joined them to find five newborn kittens abandoned in there. I leaned that the young people had been there looking for persons who could adopt the abandoned kittens. I left there chipping in for milk to feed them. The next day, I walked by that place and found the box was still there. To my relief, a card I picked up from the box read “Thanks for your concern. All of the kittens have been adopted

 

添削

 

On a cold rainy winter evening, I was waiting for someone near a flowerbed on a street corner. Noticing a few young men and women huddling around and looking into a carton box beside the flowerbed, I joined them to find five newborn kittens abandoned in there the box. I leaned that the young people had been there looking for persons who could adopt the abandoned kittens. I left there chipping in money for milk to feed the kittens them. The next day, I walked by that place and found the box was still there. To my relief, however, a card I picked up from the box read said, “Thanks for your concern. All of the kittens have been adopted

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。

 

添削後の文章

 

On a cold rainy winter evening, I was waiting for someone near a flowerbed on a street corner. Noticing a few young men and women huddling around and looking into a carton box beside the flowerbed, I joined them to find five newborn kittens abandoned in the box. I leaned that the young people had been there looking for persons who could adopt the abandoned kittens. I left there chipping in money for milk to feed the kittens. The next day, I walked by that place and found the box was still there. To my relief, however, a card I picked up from the box said, “Thanks for your concern. All of the kittens have been adopted.

 

 

読者からの投稿 5(岩ちゃん、9 January 08

 

The cold rain was falling in winter night. I was waiting for my friend by a flower bed. Several young men and women were squatting to look in a cardboard box in front of the flower bed. When I also looked in it, I saw five newborn kittens thrown out by someone. Young people were waiting for someone who would receive the kittens. After I gave them the money for milk , I left there. When I passed near the flower bed the next day, I found the cardboard box again. When I looked in it, I found a piece of card. The card said " Thank for milk. all kittens have been taken."

 

添削

 

The cold rain was falling in on a winter night. I was waiting for my friend by a flower bed. Several young men and women were squatting in front of the flower bed to look into a cardboard box in front of the flower bed. When I also looked into it the box, I saw five newborn kittens thrown out by someone. The Yyoung people were waiting for someone who would receive take the kittens home. After I gave them the money for milk and, I left there. When I passed near the flower bed on the next day, I found the cardboard box again. When I looked into it, I found a piece of card instead of the kittens. The card said, " Thank you for the milk. aAll of us kittens have been found a new home taken.1"

 

コメント

 

物語の内容がよくわかります。添削は文章を読みやすくなるようにしました。

 

1.       子猫からのカードとすると、物語的になります。

 

添削後の文章

 

The cold rain was falling on a winter night. I was waiting for my friend by a flower bed. Several young men and women were squatting in front of the flower bed to look into a cardboard box. When I also looked into the box, I saw five newborn kittens. The young people were waiting for someone who would take the kittens home. I gave them money for milk and left. When I passed near the flower bed on the next day, I found the cardboard box again. When I looked into it, I found a piece of card instead of the kittens. The card said,

" Thank you for the milk. All of us have found a new home."

 

 

読者からの投稿 4(マウント60、19 October 06

 

One cold, rainy night in winter, I saw several young boys and girls crouching down and looking into a cardboard box beside the flowerbed I was standing by, waiting for someone.  I also looked into the box and found five newborn kittens dumped in the box. The young people had been looking for someone to take those kittens back home as pets. Before leaving there, I offered them some money to milk the kittens. While passing by the same place the following day, I noticed that the box was still there. In it, there was a note saying, "Thanks for the milk. All the kittens are now in the hands of a new owner."

 

添削

 

One cold, rainy night in winter, I saw several young boys and girls crouching down and looking into a cardboard box beside the flowerbed I was standing by, waiting for someone.  I approached them and also looked into the box. There were and found five newborn kittens dumped abandoned in the box1. The young people had been looking for someone to take those kittens back home as pets. Before leaving there, I offered them some money to buy milk for the kittens2. While passing by the same place the following day, I noticed that the box was still there. But there were no kitten in the box. In it Instead, I found3 there was a note saying, "Thanks for the milk. All the kittens are now in the hands of a new owners4."

 

コメント

 

1.       投稿のままでよいですが、動作の順序を書いて物語が時間を追って進行するようにしました。

 

2.       一般的な表現のほうがわかりやすいでしょう。それと、これは物語なのでto milk the kittensよりto buy milk for the kittensのほうが読む時間が長くなり(心理的なものですが)文に間が入ります。

 

3.       There were no kittens in the box. Instead, I foundとして物語りにサスペンスを入れました。

 

4.       ここは多分複数の貰い手でしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

One cold, rainy night in winter, I saw several young boys and girls crouching down and looking into a cardboard box beside the flowerbed I was standing by, waiting for someone.  I approached them and looked into the box. There were five newborn kittens abandoned in the box. The young people had been looking for someone to take those kittens back home as pets. Before leaving there, I offered them some money to buy milk for the kittens. While passing by the same place the following day, I noticed that the box was still there. But there were no kitten in the box. Instead, I found a note saying, "Thanks for the milk. All the kittens are now in the hands of new owners."

 

 

読者からの投稿 3(Keicoco, 29 August 06

 

It happened on a rainy night in very cold winter. I was waiting for a person near a flowerbed.  In front of it ware some young men and women who were stooping down and looking into a cardboard box with interest, which drove me to look into the box too. I found five newborn kittens abandoned in it and realized that the young people were hunting for someone to keep the kittens at his home. Before leaving, I gave them some money for milk and this was about all I could do. Next day, as I walked by the same place, I saw that cardboard box being still there. I opened it uneasily and then there was a letter instead of the five kittens. “Thank you for the milk. We are now in loving homes, meow!”, it said.

 

添削

 

It happened on a rainy night in the very cold winter1. I was waiting for a person near a flowerbed. In front of it the flowerbed2, ware some young men and women who were stooping down and looking into a cardboard box with interest, which drove me to look into the box too. I found five newborn kittens abandoned in it the box2 and realized that the young people were hunting for someone to keep adopt the kittens at his home. Before leaving there, I gave them some money for milk and this was about all I could do. Next day, as I walked by the same place, I saw that cardboard box being still left there. I opened it uneasily and then there was found3 a letter instead of the five kittens. “Thank you for the milk. We are now in loving homes, meow!4”, it said.

 

コメント

 

1.       「冷たい雨が降る冬の夜に」は簡単な日本語の表現ですが、英文で表現しようとすると意外と難しいですね。「夜に」が主要な情報で、あとは「冷たい雨が降る」、」「冬の」という修飾があります。「(ある)夜に」だけなら、one evening (まだ人々が活動している時間、主観的な判断ですが、だいたい6時から9時ごろ、夜更かしの人は10時ごろまではeveningとおもっているでしょう)またはone night (だいたいの人は既に就寝している時刻)という副詞句で表現できます。形容詞を入れると、比較的具体性の高い形容詞が最初に来ます。one rainy and chilly winter evening またはon a rainy and chilly winter evening後者はeveningの前が長すぎる気もします。on a rainy and chilly evening this winterというように二つの副詞句にわけて表現するとリズムがよくなります。上の表現では「冷たい雨が降る」ということを直接には表現していませんね。このことを強調するならone winter evening when cold rains were fallingと修飾節をつかう方法があります。投稿ではこの寒い冬が過去のいつかわからないで、昔の話のような感じになります。It happened on a rainy and cold night last winterとすると、話が少し身近になります。

 

2.       代名詞は意味が曖昧になるか、意味ははっきりしていても印象が弱くなります(確かに名詞の代わりにしかなりません)。元の名詞を繰り返したほうが印象が強くなります。

 

3.       there was a letterとするとthere wasと一般的な表現になるので印象が薄れます。I opened it uneasily (この副詞が効果的ですね)and found a letterと一気に次に行くほうが印象が強くなります。

 

4.       子猫の書いた手紙、meowがとても効果的ですね。

 

添削後の文章

 

It happened on a rainy night in the very cold winter. I was waiting for a person near a flowerbed. In front of the flowerbed, some young men and women were stooping down and looking into a cardboard box with interest, which drove me to look into the box too. I found five newborn kittens abandoned in the box and realized that the young people were hunting for someone to adopt the kittens at his home. Before leaving there, I gave them some money for milk and this was about all I could do. Next day, as I walked by the same place, I saw that cardboard box being still left there. I opened it uneasily and then found a letter instead of the five kittens. “Thank you for the milk. We are now in loving homes, meow!”, it said.

 

 

読者からの投稿 2(さくら、18 June 06

 

One night, I was waiting a person in the cold winter rain. There was a flower bed near me and in front of the flower bed, some young people were crouching and looking into a cardboard box. I was curious and looked into the box, too. There were five newborn kittens. I knew the young people were waiting for someone who would take the kittens to his home. I donated some money to the young people to buy milk for the kittens and left that place. Next day, when I passed by the same place, I noticed that the cardboard box was still there. But instead of five kittens, there was a peace of paper saying “Thank you for milk. We were all adopted.”

 

添削

 

One night1, I was waiting for a person in the cold winter rain. There was a flower bed near me and in front of the flower bed, some young people were crouching and looking into a cardboard box. I was curious2 and looked into the box, too. There were five newborn kittens. I knew3 tThe young people were waiting for someone who would take the kittens to his home4. I donated some money to the young people to buy milk for the kittens and left that place. Next day, when I passed by the same place, I noticed that the cardboard box was still there. But instead of the five kittens, there was a peace of paper saying, “Thank you for the milk. We were all adopted5.”

 

コメント

 

1.       「冷たい雨が降る冬の夜」は冷たい雨、冬、夜と三つの情報をどのような順序で表現するか考えるところですが、One night, ~ in the cold winter rainは上手な表現ですね。

 

2.       I was curiousを入れたので情景がはっきりしましたね。

 

3.       I knewは「知っていた」と静的な状態の表現になります。 Then, I knew~ とすると、「それでわかった」と動きがはいります。文の内容から見て、I knewを省略しても前の文と内容がつながります。

 

4.       take A homehomeは副詞で使います。

 

5.       We were all adopted.は子猫の言葉ですね、おもしろい視点ですね。物語が生きてきました。

 

添削後の文章

 

One night, I was waiting for a person in the cold winter rain. There was a flower bed near me and in front of the flower bed, some young people were crouching and looking into a cardboard box. I was curious and looked into the box, too. There were five newborn kittens. The young people were waiting for someone who would take the kittens home. I donated some money to the young people to buy milk for the kittens and left that place. Next day when I passed by the same place, I noticed that the cardboard box was still there. But instead of the five kittens, there was a peace of paper saying, “Thank you for the milk. We were all adopted.”

 

 

読者からの投稿 1(rio, 14 June 06

 

In the cold rain in a winter night, in front of a flower bed near me waiting for a person, there are some young men and women are crouching and looking in a corrugated carton. I also looked in it and found five newborn kittens abandoned. I understood that youngs were waiting for a person who could adopt kittens. I mounted a fund-raising drive for a milk and left there. The next day, I passed the same place and I found the corrugated carton yet. Then I looked in it and found a card. The card said, "Thank you for the milk. Every kitten was adopted.". 

 

添削

 

In the cold rain in On a winter night, I in front of a flower bed near me was waiting for a person in the cold rain. , Then I found that there are were some young men and women are crouching and looking into a corrugated carton in front of the flowerbed1. I also looked into it and found five newborn kittens abandoned. I understood that youngs those young people2 were waiting for a person who could adopt the kittens. I mounted started a fund-raising drive for a milk3 and left there. The nNext day, when I passed the same place and, I found the corrugated carton yet again. Then I looked into it and found a card instead of the kittens. The card said, "Thank you for the milk. Every kitten was adopted."4 

 

コメント

 

1.       In the cold rain in a winter night, in front of a flower bed near me waiting for a person, there are some young men and women are crouching and looking in a corrugated carton. は文の構造がわかり難いですね。「困ったら小文に分ける。」が英作文の鉄則です(金科玉条と言っていいくらい大切です)。「私は人を待っていた。」、「数人の若者がうずくまっていた。」、「若者はカードボックスの中をのぞいていた。」が基本的な内容ですね。I was waiting for a person. Some young men and women were crouching. They were looking into a cardboard box. あとは状況を説明する修飾句を付けます。

 

2.       the young and the oldという言い方はありますが、youngだけでは名詞になりません。

 

3.       「牛乳代をカンパして立ち去った」は単に「牛乳代を寄付して立ち去った」の意味ではないかと思いますが、rioさんの人物はもっと積極的に助けたようですね。カンパは私が日本にいたころにはよく学生に使われた言葉ですが、今ではよく使われているのでしょうか? 「カンパはロシア語 kampaniyaの略。カンパは政治的な活動や闘争を意味し、特に大衆に訴えてある目的を達成しようとする組織的な活動をいった。その意味から、資金を集めて目的を達成する意味で使われるようになり、政治的な目的以外でも資金を集めることをカンパというようになった。」と語源辞典に説明してあります。

 

4.       The card said, "Thank you for the milk. Every kitten was adopted." は簡潔でよく内容が伝わるばかりでなく、この話を引き締めて余韻を残しますね。

 

添削後の文章

 

On a winter night, I was waiting for a person in the cold rain. Then I found that there were some young men and women crouching and looking into a corrugated carton in front of the flowerbed. I also looked into it and found five newborn kittens abandoned. I understood that those young people were waiting for a person who could adopt the kittens. I started a fund-raising drive for milk and left there. Next day when I passed the same place, I found the corrugated carton again. I looked into it and found a card instead of the kittens. The card said, "Thank you for the milk. Every kitten was adopted." 

 

 

初級練習問題 300

 

コンクリートで覆われた都心の空でもミツバチは飛んでいる。永田町のビルの屋上に盛岡の養蜂家が2000年から春の二ヶ月にミツバチ70万匹を持ってきて蜂蜜を採集している。ミツバチは近くの皇居や浜離宮のあたりから蜜を採集してきているらしい。

 

読者からの投稿 6(Lucca, 6 November 12

 

Bees fly even in concrete-covered Tokyo. A beekeeper at Morioka City has gotten honey from beehives sit on the roof of a building at Nagata-cyo every year since 2000. For two months during spring, seven hundred thousand bees, which are carried from Morioka City, fly free to gather honey from trees at the Imperial Palace and Hama-rikyu Gardens. 

 

添削

 

Bees fly even in concrete-covered downtown Tokyo. A beekeeper at from Morioka City has been collecting gotten honey from beehives set sit on the roof of a building at Nagata-cyo, Tokyo every year since 2000. For two months during the spring, seven hundred thousand bees, which are carried from Morioka City, fly free to gather honey from trees at the Imperial Palace and Hama-rikyu Gardens. 

 

コメント

 

内容のすべてがわかります。

 

添削後の文章

 

Bees fly even in concrete-covered downtown Tokyo. A beekeeper from Morioka City has been collecting honey from beehives set on the roof of a building at Nagata-cyo, Tokyo every year since 2000. For two months during the spring, seven hundred thousand bees, which are carried from Morioka City, fly free to gather honey from trees at the Imperial Palace and Hama-rikyu Gardens. 

 

 

読者からの投稿 5(mxtomi, 31 July 10

 

Bees fly everywhere even in the sky of concrete-covered downtown Tokyo. A beekeeper from Morioka City has been collecting honey for two months in the spring ever since 2000, using 700 thousand of bees he has been bringing to the roof of a building at Nagata-cho, central Tokyo. Bees seem to have been gathering honey from flowers in the nearby Imperial gardens, Hamarikyu gardens and all that.

 

添削

 

Bees fly everywhere even in the sky of concrete-covered downtown Tokyo. A beekeeper from Morioka City has been collecting honey for two months in the spring ever since 2000, using 700 thousand of bees he has been bringing to the roof of a building at Nagata-cho, central Tokyo. Bees seem to have been gathering honey from flowers in the nearby Imperial gardens, Hamarikyu gardens and all that.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。

 

添削後の文章

 

Bees fly everywhere even in the sky of concrete-covered downtown Tokyo. A beekeeper from Morioka City has been collecting honey for two months in the spring ever since 2000, using 700 thousand bees he has been bringing to the roof of a building at Nagata-cho, central Tokyo. Bees seem to have been gathering honey from flowers in the nearby Imperial gardens, Hamarikyu gardens and all that.

 

 

読者からの投稿 4(岩ちゃん、11 January 08

 

Honeybees are flying in the inner-city space covered with buildings. A beekeeper has brought 0.7 million bees to collect honey on the roof of a building at Nagatatyo for two months in spring since 2000. Honeybees seem to collect honey around the Imperial Palace and Hamarikyu not far from the building.

 

添削

 

Honeybees are flying in the sky of downtown Tokyo inner-city space crowded covered with buildings. A beekeeper has brought been bringing1 0.7 million bees to collect honey on the roof of a building at Nagatatyo for two months in the spring since 2000. Honeybees seem to collect honey from flowers in around the Imperial Palace and Hamarikyu Park which are not far from the building.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       進行形にすると、ミツバチを毎年もって来る、ということが強調できます。

 

添削後の文章

 

Honeybees are flying in the sky of downtown Tokyo crowded with buildings. A beekeeper has been bringing 0.7 million bees to the roof of a building at Nagatatyo for two months in the spring since 2000. Honeybees seem to collect honey from flowers in the Imperial Palace and Hamarikyu Park which are not far from the building.

 

 

読者からの投稿 3(マウント60、21 October 06

 

Bees are flying in the sky even in downtown Tokyo, a concrete jungle far away from nature.  An apiarist from Morioka City, Iwate Prefecture collects honey on the rooftop of a Nagata-cho building for two months in spring by using his 700 thousand bees he brings with him from Morioka. He has been doing this since 2000. The bees seem to be collecting honey from the flowers grown in the gardens of nearby places like the Imperial Palace and the Hamarikyu.

 

添削

 

Bees are flying in the sky even in downtown Tokyo, a concrete jungle far away from nature1.  An apiarist from Morioka City, Iwate Prefecture, collects honey on the rooftop of a Nagata-cho building for two months in spring by using his 700 thousand bees he brings with him from Morioka2. He has been doing this since 2000. The bees seem to be collecting honey from the flowers grown in the gardens of nearby places like the Imperial Palace and the Hamarikyu.

コメント

 

1.       「コンクリートで覆われた都心」をa concrete jungle far away from natureとたくみに表現していますね。a concrete jungleという表現を知らないときはdowntown Tokyo where you can hardly see flowers and trees, downtown Tokyo where you see just concrete streetsというようにも表現できるでしょう。

 

2.       マウント60さんの英文表現は日本文の内容に忠実で、しかも読みやすい英文の構成ですね。「永田町のビルの屋上に盛岡の養蜂家が2000年から春の二ヶ月にミツバチ70万匹を持ってきて蜂蜜を採集している。」では「盛岡の養蜂家永田町のビルの屋上で蜂蜜を採集している。」を文の骨格にして、for two months in spring, by using his 700 thousand bees he brings with him from Moriokaで他の内容を表現しています。骨格になる内容が明確なので文全体がわかりやすくなっています。

 

添削後の文章

 

Bees are flying in the sky even in downtown Tokyo, a concrete jungle far away from nature.  An apiarist from Morioka City, Iwate Prefecture, collects honey on the rooftop of a Nagata-cho building for two months in spring by using his 700 thousand bees he brings with him from Morioka. He has been doing this since 2000. The bees seem to be collecting honey from the flowers grown in the gardens of nearby places like the Imperial Palace and the Hamarikyu.

 

 

読者からの投稿 2(さくら、20 June 06

 

Bees are flying in the sky of urban cities where most of the ground is covered by concrete buildings. A beekeeper from Morioka City has set beehives holding 700,000 bees on the roof of a building in Nagata Cho , Tokyo, and collected honey during two months in spring since 2000. Bees seem to collect honey from the Imperial Palace and Hamarikyo Onshi Teien. Both of them are near to the building.

 

添削

 

Bees are flying in the sky of urban downtown Tokyo1 cities where most of the ground is covered by concrete buildings. A beekeeper from Morioka City has set beehives holding 700,000 bees on the roof of a building in Nagata Cho , Tokyo, and collected honey during two months in the spring2 since 2000. Bees seem to collect honey from flowers in the Imperial Palace and Hamarikyo Onshi Teien. Both of them are near close to the building.

 

コメント

 

1.       「都心」はthe center district of Tokyo, downtown Tokyoなど、繁華街一般をさしますが、さて東京都の都心は具体的にはどの辺なのでしょうね。

 

2.       四季はin spring, in the springと冠詞を付けない用法と付ける用法があります。以前英文法の本でこの用法の違いをよく説明したものを見たのですが、四、五冊調べてみたが見付かりません。季節を一般的に述べるときは定冠詞を付けない、Spring is the season between winter and summer.「毎年ある季節に」というときはどちらでも良い、Every year I plant flowers in spring (in the spring). 特定された季節は勿論定冠詞を付ける、In the spring of 1965, our first baby was born.というくらいしか覚えていません。上の練習問題ではsince 2000とあるので、in the spring since 2000がよいでしょう。友人の教養あるカナダ人に聞いてみると、この場合はin the springだといいます。「何故?」と聞くと、「???」という答えでした。

 

添削後の文章

 

Bees are flying in the sky of downtown Tokyo where most of the ground is covered by concrete. A beekeeper from Morioka City has set beehives holding 700,000 bees on the roof of a building in Nagata Cho , Tokyo, and collected honey during two months in the spring since 2000. Bees seem to collect honey from flowers in the Imperial Palace and Hamarikyo Onshi Teien. Both of them are close to the building.

 

 

読者からの投稿 1(rio, 14 June 06

 

Even in the sky of the center of Tokyo, which was covered by the concrete, honey bees are flying. A beekeeper ,in Morioka, bring seven hundred thousand bees and gather honeys on the housetop of a building in Nagata-tyo for two months of spring from 2000. Perhaps bees collect honeys around the Imperial Palace and the Hama Detached Palace near there. 

 

添削

 

Even in the sky of the center of Tokyo, which was is covered by the concrete streets, honey bees are flying. A beekeeper ,from in Morioka,  brings in seven hundred thousand bees and sets up beehives1 gather honeys on the housetop of a building in Nagata-tyocho for two months of in the spring from since 2000. Perhaps bees collect honeys from flowers2 around the Imperial Palace and the Hama Detached Palace near there their beehives2. 

 

コメント

 

1.       ここではsets up beehivesがよいでしょう。文章の後半にcollect honeyが出てきます。

 

2.       文章をわかりやすくするためにこのように具体的な表現を入れるとよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

Even in the sky of the center of Tokyo, which is covered by the concrete streets, honeybees are flying. A beekeeper from Morioka brings in seven hundred thousand bees and sets up beehives on the housetop of a building in Nagata-cho for two months in the spring since 2000. Perhaps bees collect honey from flowers around the Imperial Palace and the Hama Detached Palace near their beehives.