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初級練習問題の添削 131−140

 

初級問題 1315 Feb 04(2 April 04) (31 October 04) (5 Sept 06) (26 June 07)

         (27 June 07) (14 June 08) (30 June 08) (12 Dec 09) (23 Feb 11)

                              (17 Nov 15)

 

初級問題 132 (7 Feb 04) (2 April 04) (3 November 04) (5 Sept 06) (26 June 07)

                 (27 June 07) (15 June 08) (30 June 08) (12 Dec 09) (24 Feb 11)

                             (17 Nov 15)

 

初級問題 133 (9 Feb 04) (5 April 04) (3 November 04) (5 Sept 06) (27 June 07)

                 (28 June 07) (17 June 08) (3 July 08) (12 Dec 09) (25 Feb 11)

                             (17 Nov 15)

 

初級問題 134 (9 Feb 04) (6 April 06) (6 November 04) (5 Sept 06) (27 June 07)

                 (18 June 08) (5 July 08) (12 Dec 09) (26 Feb 11) (28 Feb 16)

 

初級問題 135 (16 Feb 04) (6 April 04) (6 November 04) (5 Sept 06) (28 June 07)

                 (19 June 08) (5 July 08) (12 Dec 09) (28 February 11) (07 Dec 15)

 

初級問題 136 (4 March 04) ) (12 November 04) (8 Sept 06) (28 June 07) (19 July 07)

                 (21 June 08) (8 July 08) (19 Dec 09) (2 March 11) (26 June 12)

         (07 Dec 15)

 

初級問題 137 (31 March 04) (16 November 04) (8 Sept 06) (29 June 07) (20 July 07)

                 (24 June 08) (25 June 08) (10 July 08) (19 Dec 09) (2 March 11)

                       (10 Dec 15)

 

初級問題 138 (8 April 04) (16 November 04) (9 Sept 06) (29 June 07) (20 July 07)

                 (25 June 08) (12 July 08) (19 Dec 09) (4 March 11) (10 Dec 15)

 

初級問題 139 (2 April 04) (18 November 04) (9 Sept 06) (30 June 07) (21 July 07)

                 (26 June 08) (13 July 08) (19 Dec 09) (10 March 11) (17 Dec 15)

 

初級問題 140 (4 April 04) (18 November 04) (9 Sept 06) (30 June 07) (22 July 07)

                 (13 July 08) (14 July 08) (19 Dec 09) (11 March 11) (17 Dec 15)

 

初級問題 131

 

酒田市の最上川河口への今冬の白鳥飛来数は9550羽で過去最多となったことが、酒田市の白鳥を観察する市民グループの調査で分かった。同地域のこれまでの最多飛来数は2001年度の9284羽。本年度は2年ぶりに9000羽を超えた。

 

読者からの投稿 11(BURU, 17 November 15

 

The citizen’s monitor group of Swan in Sakata City reported that the number of fried over swans to the mouth of Mogami river were 9,550 in this winter. This is going to become record number. The previous record was 9,284 in 2001. The total number of this year exceeded 9,000 birds for the first time in the last two years.

 

添削

 

A The citizens’ citizen’s swan monitoring group of Swan in Sakata City reported that the number of fried over swans1 that had flown to the mouth of Mogami rRiver amounted to were 9,550 in this winter. This is going to be become  a record number. The previous record was 9,284 in 2001. The total number of swans this year has exceeded 9,000 birds for the first time in the last two years.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       このブラックジョークには一瞬ギクッとしました。

 

添削後の文章

 

A citizens’ swan monitoring group in Sakata City reported that the number of swans that had flown to the mouth of Mogami River amounted to 9,550 this winter. This is going to be a record number. The previous record was 9,284 in 2001. The total number of swans this year has exceeded 9,000 for the first time in the last two years.

 

 

読者からの投稿 10(かい、23 February 11

 

According to a survey conducted by a group of sakata citizens' watching swans ,the number of their flying to Mogami River's mouth in Sakata City this winter has been 9,550 and the largest ever. The largest number in the area was 9,284 in 2001 fiscal year that we had ever had . The number has been more than 9,000 this fiscal year in two years.

 

添削

 

According to a survey conducted by a group of sSakata citizens' watching swans , the number of swans1 which have flown to the mouth of their flying to Mogami River's mouth in Sakata City this winter has reached2 been 9,550 and the largest ever. The largest last record3 number in the area was 9,284 in 2001 fiscal year that we had ever had . The number of swans exceeded has been more than 9,000 for the first time this fiscal year in the two years4.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の大部分はわかりますが、最後の文の内容がはっきりしません。

 

1.       代名詞を使わずにthe number of swansとすると内容がはっきりします。

 

2.       has reached 9.550で「今までのところ9,550羽に達している」という意味になります。

 

3.       the last record was ~.「過去最高は 〜 であった」という便りな表現方法です。

 

4.       「本年度は2年ぶり」は英語表現が面倒です。the first time in the last two yearsとすれば正確に表現できます。

 

添削後の文章

 

According to a survey conducted by a group of Sakata citizens watching swans, the number of swans which have flown to the mouth of Mogami River this winter has reached 9,550 and the largest ever. The last record was 9,284 in 2001 . The number of swans exceeded  9,000 for the first time in the two years.

 

 

読者からの投稿 9(mxtomi, 12 December 09

 

It was found by a survey of a group of citizens watching swans in Sakata City that a record number of 9,550 swans migrated to the mouth of the Mogami River, Sakata City this winter. The previous record in that area was 9,284 swans in 2003. The number of the migrant birds exceeded 9,000 for the first time in two years.

 

添削

 

It was found by a survey of a1 A group of citizens watching swans in Sakata City observed that a record number of 9,550 swans migrated to the mouth of the Mogami River, Sakata City this winter. The previous record in that area was 9,284 swans in 2003. The number of the migrant swans  birds exceeded 9,000 for the first time in two years.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       プレイン・イングリッシュでは、内容を伝えるだけの簡単な表現がよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

A group of citizens watching swans in Sakata City observed a record number of 9,550 swans migrated to the mouth of the Mogami River, Sakata City this winter. The previous record was 9,284 swans in 2003. The number of swans exceeded 9,000 for the first time in two years.

 

 

読者からの投稿 8(kk, 30 June 08

 

A research by a citizens' group which has been observing swan migrations in Sakata City showed that the number of swans which flew to the Mogami River estuary in the city this year was the largest ever, as many as 9550. The largest number so far was 9284 in 2001. The number of this year exceeded 9000 for the first time in three years

 

添削

 

A research by a citizens' group which has been observing the swan migrations1 to in Sakata City found showed that the number of swans which flew to the Mogami River estuary in the city this year was the largest ever, as many as 9,550. The largest number so far was 9,284 in 2001. This year, Tthe number of this year exceeded 9,000 for the first time in the last three years

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       文章に初めて出てきますが、坂田市への白鳥の渡り、という特定のものなので定冠詞を付けます。

 

添削後の文章

 

A research by a citizens' group which has been observing the swan migration to Sakata City found that the number of swans which flew to the Mogami River estuary in the city this year was the largest ever, as many as 9,550. The largest number so far was 9,284 in 2001. This year, the number exceeded 9,000 for the first time in the last three years

 

 

読者からの投稿 7(dunkel, 14 June 08

 

According to a survey by a citizen's group which observes white swans flying to Sakata city in winter, the number of swans which come to the mouth of the River Mogami was 9,550, a record high. The record number had been 9,284 counted in 2001. The number exceeded 9,000 for the first time in two years.

 

添削

 

According to a survey by a citizen's group which observes white swans flying to Sakata cCity in winter, the number of swans which came come to the mouth of the River Mogami this winter reached was 9,550, a record high. The record largest number in the past was had been 9,284 counted in 20011. The number of swans exceeded 9,000 for the first time in two years.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       前の文でa record highとあるので、混乱を避けるためにthe largest number in the pastとするとよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

According to a survey by a citizen's group which observes white swans flying to Sakata City in winter, the number of swans which came to the mouth of the River Mogami this winter reached 9,550, a record high. The largest number in the past was 9,284 in 2001. The number of swans exceeded 9,000 for the first time in two years.

 

 

読者からの投稿 6(岩ちゃん、27 June 07

 

The survey by a citizens' group in Sakata City who is watching swans showed that swans which came to the mouth of the Mogami River in the city this winter were the most number in the past to 9,550. The most number of swans was 9,284 in 2001 so far. Its number was over 9,000 after two years' absence this year.

 

添削

 

The A survey by a citizens' group in Sakata City who that is watching swans showed that 9,550 swans which came to the mouth of the Mogami River in the city this winter were the most largest in number in the past to 9,550 on record1. The most largest number of swans in the past was 9,284 in 2001 so far. This winter, the number of swans exceeded Its number  was over 9,000 after for the first time in the last three2 two years' absence this year.

 

 

1.       「今までに、記録に残っている中で」にはon recordという表現方法があります。

 

2.       after two years’ absenceというと、この文脈では白鳥が二年間来なかった、ともとれるので添削のようにするとよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

A survey by a citizens' group in Sakata City that is watching swans showed that 9,550 swans which came to the mouth of the Mogami River in the city this winter were the largest in number on record. The largest number of swans in the past was 9,284 in 2001. This winter, the number of swans exceeded 9,000 for the first time in the last three years.

 

 

読者からの投稿 5(散歩人、26 June 07

 

A survey of a citizens' group which observe the swans in Sakata City showed that a number of the swans migrating to the river mouth of the Mogami river in Sakata City was 9550 and the number is the largest ever. In this area, the past largest number was 9284 in the 2001 and, moreover, the latest time when the number was over 9000 was two years ago.

 

添削

 

A survey of by a citizens' group which observe the swans in Sakata City showed that a the1 number of the swans that had migratinged2 to the river mouth of the Mogami river in Sakata City reached was 9,550 this winter and the number is was the largest ever. In this area, the past largest number in the past was 9,284 in the 2001 and, moreover, the latest time when the number was over exceeded 9000 was two years ago.

 

コメント

 

1.       最上川河口にくる白鳥の数なので定冠詞にします。

 

2.       showedという過去の時点より前に来た白鳥なので、時制が一つ遡って過去完了形になります。過去完了形はめったに文章に出てこないと思うと誤りで、小説では物語り全体が過去形の形で「〜した」というように進むので、その時点より前に起こったことは全部過去完了形で書いてあります。migrating to ~とすると、どこからか他の場所(この文章を書いた人の住む近く)から最上川河口に移動する白鳥、といった意味になります。

 

添削後の文章

 

A survey by a citizens' group which observe swans in Sakata City showed that the number of swans that had migrated to the river mouth of the Mogami river in Sakata City reached  9,550 this winter and the number was the largest ever. In this area, the largest number in the past was 9,284 in 2001 and, moreover, the latest time when the number exceeded 9000 was two years ago.

 

 

読者からの投稿 4(KAPPA2006, 5 September 06

 

The survey by a citizen group observing swans in Sakata City revealed that the number of swans coming to the opening area in the Mogami River last winter was 9,550 which was the most in the past. In the record, the number of swan immigrants was 9284 in 2001 and the number of this year has exceeded 9000 since two years ago.

 

添削

 

The survey by a citizen group observing swans in Sakata City revealed that the number of swans coming to the opening area in mouth of the Mogami River last this1 winter was reached2 9,550, which was the most in the past on record3. In the record past, the largest number of swan immigrants was 9284 in 2001 and this year the number of this year has exceeded 9,000 since in two years ago.

 

1.       this winter, last winterは文章の書かれた時点との関連でどの冬か決まります。この文章が書かれたのは冬に入って白鳥が飛来してからなので、this winterがよいでしょう(the number reached ~と過去形になっているのでthis winterでも「これからはじまる冬」という意味にはなりません)。last winterとすると去年の冬という意味にもとれます。

 

2.       reachedとすると文に動きがでてわかりやすくなります。

 

3.       この日本文にはややこしい事実関係があります。「今冬の白鳥飛来数は9550羽で過去最多」、これまでの最多飛来数は2001年度の9284羽」、「本年度は2年ぶりに9000羽を超えた」です。reached 9,550, which was the most on record; In the past, the largest number was 9,000; this year the number exceeded 9,000 in two yearsとするとわかりやすくなるでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

The survey by a citizen group observing swans in Sakata City revealed that the number of swans coming to the mouth of the Mogami River this winter reached 9,550, which was the most on record. In the past, the largest number of swan immigrants was 9,284 in 2001 and this year the number exceeded 9,000 in two years.

 

 

読者からの投稿 3(マウント60、31 October 04

 

The number of swans that flew over to the mouth of the Mogami River in Sakata City this winter was 9,550, the largest ever recorded in history. This was the result of a study conducted by a citizen's group observing the life of swans in Sakata City. The second largest number recorded in the same area was 9,284 in 2001. The number this year exceeded 9,000 for the first time in two years.

 

添削

 

The number of swans that flew over in1 to the mouth of the Mogami River in Sakata City this winter was 9,550,-2 the largest ever recorded in history. This was the result of a study conducted by a citizen's group observing the life of swans in Sakata City. The second largest number recorded in the same area was 9,284 in 20013. The number this year exceeded 9,000 for the first time in two years.

 

コメント

 

1.       flew over to the mouth of the Mogami Riverとすると(どこかにいた白鳥が最上川河口の方へ移動した)となってしまいますね。シベリアから飛来してきた白鳥なのでflew in to the mouth of the Mogami Riverが良いでしょう。

 

私の住むカナダ・アルバータ州北方の湖沼地帯は、カリフォルニア、メキシコで冬を過ごす渡り鳥の夏の繁殖地です。9月末からもう南方への移動が始まり、エドモントン市の上空を何百羽という雁が群れを作って移動していくのが見られます。町の郊外の湖で渡り鳥の休息地になっているところがあります。ここで数年前にsnow geeseという白い雁の大群が飛来しているのを見に行きました。

 

2.       9,550, the largest ever ~ と続くと2番目のコンマが数字の区切りのコンマか文章の句切れのコンマか戸惑うので、9,550 – the largest ever ~としました。

 

3.       数字がいくつも出てくる文章ですが、マウント60さんはわかりやすく整理していますね。ここは論理的で面白い表現ですね。The previous record was 9,284 in 2001.と簡単にすることも出来ます。

 

添削後の文章

 

The number of swans that flew in to the mouth of the Mogami River in Sakata City this winter was 9,550 - the largest ever recorded in history. This was the result of a study conducted by a citizen's group observing the life of swans in Sakata City. The second largest number recorded in the same area was 9,284 in 2001. The number this year exceeded 9,000 for the first time in two years.

 

 

読者からの投稿 2 (Knight, 2 April 04)

 

The survey conducted by the citizen's group from Sakata City, observing the swans, learned that the number of swans flying down to the mouth of the Mogami river, Sakata City, this winter reached 9550, record-high. Previous record was 9284 in 2001, and the number reached over 9000 this year for the first time in two years.

 

添削

 

The survey conducted by the a citizen's group from Sakata City, observing the swans1, learned found that the number of swans flying down to the mouth of the Mogami rRiver, in Sakata City, this winter reached 9,550 this winter, the largest number ever recoded by the group record-high. The Pprevious record was 9,284 in 2001, and the number of swans2 reached over 9,000 this year for the first time in two years.

 

コメント

 

1.       observing swansの前にコンマが入ると、「酒田にある市民グループがあって、たまたま白鳥を観察したら」という意味にも取れます。「白鳥を観察する酒田の市民グループ」の時はコンマを入れないほうが良いでしょう。

 

2.       Swansがなくても読者にはわかる、と想定するのではなく確りとswansをいれたほうが、読者にわかりやすいだけでなく、文章のバランスが良くなります。

 

文章の最初の部分は次のように簡単にできます。A swan-watching group in Sakata City observed that 9,550 swans came to the mouth of the Mogami River this year.

 

添削後の文章

 

The survey conducted by a citizen's group from Sakata City observing swans found that the number of swans flying down to the mouth of the Mogami River in Sakata City, reached 9,550 this winter, the largest number ever recoded by the group. The previous record was 9,284 in 2001 and the number of swans reached over 9,000 this year for the first time in two years.

 

 

読者からの投稿 1(えり、5 Feb 04

 

9,550 swans flew to the mouth of the Mogami River in Sakata City this winter, the largest number of swans on record. This is the finding of a citizens’ group which observes swans in this area. The largest number of swans observed in the area in the past was 9,283 in 2001. This year, the number of swans exceeded 9,000 for the first time in the last three years.

 

添削

 

9,550 Nine thousand, five hundred and fifty1 swans flew to the mouth of the Mogami River in Sakata City this winter, the largest number of swans on record2. This is the finding of a citizens’ group which observes swans in this area3. The largest number of swans observed in the area in the past was 9,283 in 2001. This year, the number of swans exceeded 9,000 for the first time in the last three years4.

 

コメント

 

えりさんは日本文の内容をわかりやすく英文で表現しています。これは日本文の一つの文の内容を英文も一つの文で表現しようとせずに、必要ならいくつもの文に分けているからです。

 

1.       9550羽で最高にになった。」「2番で、過去最高の記録である」のような内容はえりさんのように名詞句を付け足すことで表現できることを覚えておくと便利です。

 

2.       大きな数は数字で表現したほうが通常はわかりやすいですが、このように文の最初に数字が来ると文全体の格好が悪いので(この文が他の文の途中で始まっているのではないか、と思う)、文頭の数字は英文で表現すると良いです。

 

3.       日本文では「〜のことが酒田市の白鳥を観察する市民グループの調査で分かった。」となっていますが、英文ではえりさんのように新しい文にすると簡単に表現できます。

 

4.       2年ぶりに9000羽を超えた。」はexceeded 9,000 for the first time in the last three years.

5.       ですね。

 

添削後の文章

 

Nine thousand, five hundred and fifty swans flew to the mouth of the Mogami River in Sakata City this winter, the largest number of swans on record. This is the finding of a citizens’ group which observes swans in this area. The largest number of swans observed in the area in the past was 9,283 in 2001. This year, the number of swans exceeded 9,000 for the first time in the last three years.

 

 

初級問題 132

 

阪神大震災の被災者用の公営復興住宅で、一人暮らしの人が誰にもみとられずに亡くなる「孤独死」が、2000年以降の四年間で251人に上っていることが兵庫県の調査でわかった。

 

読者からの投稿 11(BURU, 17 November 15

 

Hyogo prefecture surveyed the victims of Grate Hanshin Earthquake at their temporary housings. 251 people died alone in 4 years after 2000. These people were said to “Dying alone” that lived alone and nobody cared.

 

添削

 

Hyogo pPrefecture surveyed the victims of the Grate Hanshin Earthquake living in the at their temporary housings. and found that 251 of them people died alone over the in four 4 years since after 2000. These people were are1 called said toDdying alone personswho that have lived alone and nobody has cared.

 

コメント

 

内容のすべてがわかります。

 

1.       ここからは現在も通用する事柄なので現在形にします。

 

添削後の文章

 

Hyogo Prefecture surveyed the victims of the Grate Hanshin Earthquake living in the  temporary housings and found that 251 of them died alone over the four years since 2000. These people are1 called “dying alone persons” who have lived alone and nobody has cared.

 

 

読者からの投稿 10(かい、24 February 11

 

A survey conducted by The Government of Hyogo Prefecture shows that persons who live alone dying without nursing, what is called “solitary death”, has reached 251 in public housing for victims of the Great Hanshin Earthquake for four years since 2000.

 

添削

 

A survey conducted by The Government of Hyogo Prefecture shows that the number of persons who lived alone and died dying without anyone nursing them, what is called the “solitary death”, has reached 251 at the in public housing for the victims of the Great Hanshin Earthquake for the last four years since 2000.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。

 

添削後の文章

 

A survey conducted by The Government of Hyogo Prefecture shows that the number of persons who lived alone and died without anyone nursing them, what is called the “solitary death”, has reached 251 at the public housing for the victims of the Great Hanshin Earthquake for the last four years since 2000.

 

 

読者からの投稿 9(mxtomi, 12 December 09

 

As many as 251 victims of the Great Hanshin Earthquake living alone died in the temporary public housing without being attended on by anyone for 4 years since 2000. A survey by the Prefecture of Hyogo revealed this heart-stricken “solitary death”.

 

添削

 

As many as 251 victims of the Great Hanshin Earthquake living alone died in the temporary public housing died without being attended on by anyone in the for 4 four years since 2000. These heart-stricken solitary deaths were found by Aa survey by the Prefecture of Hyogo revealed this heart-stricken “solitary death”.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。

 

添削後の文章

 

As many as 251 victims of the Great Hanshin Earthquake living alone in the temporary public housing died without being attended on by anyone in the four years since 2000. These heart-stricken solitary deaths were found by a survey by the Prefecture of Hyogo .

 

 

読者からの投稿 8(kk, 30 June 08

 

The survey by the government of Hyogo Prefecture found that the number of  251 survivors of the Great Hanshin Earthquake, who had lived alone in the public temporary housing have died 'solitary death' with nobody at their side in the last four years since 2000.

 

添削

 

The A survey by the gGovernment of Hyogo Prefecture found that the number of  251 survivors of the Great Hanshin Earthquake, who had lived alone in the public temporary housing have died 'solitary death' with nobody at their side in the last four years since 2000.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。have died 'solitary death' with nobody at their sideが孤独死の説明として的確ですね。

 

添削後の文章

 

A survey by the Government of Hyogo Prefecture found that 251 survivors of the Great Hanshin Earthquake who had lived alone in the public temporary housing have died 'solitary death' with nobody at their side in the last four years since 2000.

 

 

読者からの投稿 7(dunkel, 15 June 08

 

According to a survey by the government of Hyogo Prefecture, 251 people got solitary death which means that people who live alone died without anyone standing by for four years since 2000 at public reconstruction houses for the victims of the Great Hanshin Earthquake.

 

添削

 

According to a survey by the gGovernment of Hyogo Prefecture, 251 people victims of got the Great Hanshin Earthquake died solitarily ( solitary death) at the temporary public housing in the last four years. which means that Those people who lived alone and died without anyone taking care of them standing by for four years since 2000 at public reconstruction houses for the victims of the Great Hanshin Earthquake.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。「孤独死」という厳しい社会現象をsolitary deathという名詞で表現するとうまく文に入りません。添削では苦し紛れに括弧に入れてみました。投稿は長い英文になっているので、添削のように先ずは251人の孤独死について述べ、次に孤独死の説明をすると要点がはっきりするでしょう。

 

添削後の文の文章

 

According to a survey by the Government of Hyogo Prefecture, 251 victims of the Great Hanshin Earthquake died solitarily (solitary death) at the temporary public housing in the last four years. Those people lived alone and died without anyone taking care of them .

 

 

読者からの投稿 6(岩ちゃん、27 June 07

 

The survey by Hyogo prefectural office showed the following. Many people who lost their house in the Great Hanshin Earthquake live in the public temporary housings for sufferers. Two hundred fifty one people living alone in the temporary housings passed away without being watched by nobody for four years after 2000. We call that "solitary death".

 

添削

 

The A survey by Hyogo pPrefecturale office showed found the following. Many people who lost their house in the Great Hanshin Earthquake live in the public temporary housings1 for sufferers the victims of the earthquake. Two hundred and fifty one people living alone2 there in the temporary housings passed away without being watched by nobody in the for last four years after since the earthquake in 2000. There is a sad name called3, We call that "solitary death," for this kind of death.

 

コメント

 

1.       housingは住居という集合名詞なので複数形になりません。

 

2.       孤独死の説明があってよいですね。

 

3.       悲しい話なので、少し感情表現をいれてみました。

 

添削後の文章

 

A survey by Hyogo Prefecture found the following: Many people who lost their house in the Great Hanshin Earthquake live in public temporary housing for the victims of the earthquake. Two hundred and fifty one people living alone there passed away without being watched by nobody in the last four years since the earthquake in 2000. There is a sad name called,  "solitary death," for this kind of death.

 

 

読者からの投稿 5(散歩人、26 June 07

 

A survey by the Hyogo Prefecture announced that 251 persons died solitary death in public temporary housing, which had been build for the victims of the Great Hanshin Earthquake, for four years after 2000.

 

添削

 

A survey by the Hyogo Prefecture announced found that in the last four years since 2000, 251 persons died solitary death, without being looked after by anyone1, in public temporary housing, which had been build for the victims of the Great Hanshin Earthquake, for four years after 2000.

 

コメント

 

1.       solitary deathの説明を入れるとよいでしょう。それにしても短期間に大勢ですね。

 

添削後の文章

 

A survey by Hyogo Prefecture found that in the last four years since 2000, 251 persons died solitary death, without being looked after by anyone, in public temporary housing which had been build for the victims of the Great Hanshin Earthquake.

 

 

読者からの投稿 4(KAPPA2006, 5 September 06

 

The survey of Hyogo Prefecture found that the number of so called “lonely death“ was 251 in four years after 2000 in the public revival houses for victims of the Hansin Earthquake. They lived alone and died lonely without any watch and cares.

 

添削

 

The survey of Hyogo Prefecture found that the number of so called “lonely death“ was reached 251 in four years after 2000 in the public revival houses for the victims of the Hansin Earthquake in the last four years since 20001. They lived alone and died lonely without anyone watching and cares caring for them2.

 

コメント

 

1.       近いものから遠いものへ、具体的なものから一般的なものへ、の順序で修飾節をならべるのが英文で一般的です。ここに移動したほうが内容がわかりやすくなります。

 

2.       without anyone who watched and cared for themの省略形ですから添削のようになります。

 

添削後の文章

 

The survey of Hyogo Prefecture found that the number of so called “lonely death“ reached 251 in the public revival houses for the victims of the Hansin Earthquake in the last four years since 2000. They lived alone and died lonely without anyone watching caring for them.

 

 

読者からの投稿 3(マウント60、3 November 04

 

People living alone at public temporary housings for the victims of the Great Hanshin Earthquake are dying all by themselves. The number of such "deaths in solitude" amounted to 251 for the period of four years after 2000. This is the result of a survey conducted by the Hyogo Prefecture.

 

添削

 

Some Ppeople living alone at public temporary housings for the victims of the Great Hanshin Earthquake are dying all by themselveswithout being looked after by anyone1. The number of such "deaths in solitude" amounted to 251 for the period of four years after 2000. This is the result of a survey conducted by the Hyogo Prefecture.

 

コメント

 

日本文の内容をよく考えて英文で再構成していますね。最初の文がキーセンテンスになり、後の二つで補足説明をしています。日本文の内容を英文で表現するときには、この投稿のように日本文の内容を整理して、わかりやすい英文に再構成することがとても重要です。この「わかりやすい英文の構成」がプレイン・イングリッシュのエッセンスです。

 

1.       People living alone are ~ dying all by themselves. all by themselvesallが前の文についてPeople living alone are ~ dying all.という印象も受けます。添削のように内容を説明してみてはどうでしょうか。

 

添削後の文章

 

Some people living alone at public temporary housings for the victims of the Great Hanshin Earthquake are dying without being looked after by anyone. The number of such "deaths in solitude" amounted to 251 for the period of four years after 2000. This is the result of a survey conducted by the Hyogo Prefecture.

 

 

読者からの投稿 2 (Knight, 2 April 04)

 

At least 251 people, who live alone in public housing for the victims of the Great Hanshin Earthquake, died without being watched by anyone between 2000 and 2003. They are called "Die Alone People". This was the finding of a survey recently conducted by Hyogo Prefecture.

 

添削

 

Between 2000 and 20031, Aat least 2512 people, who lived alone in public housing for the victims of the Great Hanshin Earthquake, have died without being watched by anyone between 2000 and 2003. They are called "Died Alone People3". This was the finding of a survey recently conducted by Hyogo Prefecture.

 

コメント

 

1.       細かいことですが、died ~ between 2000 and 2003 とすると20:0020:03の時間帯に亡くなったのかなとおもう(私のように)そそっかしい人もいるので、文の最初に移動しました。

 

2.       日本文には251人とありますが、at least 251とするとインパクトが大きくなりまね。

 

3.       “Die Alone People” ですと「誰かに見取られずに一人で死ぬ覚悟の人」という感じになります。”Died Alone People” にすると「仕方なく一人で死んでいった人」というように感じます。いずれにしろ、すごくインパクトのある、意味の通じる造語だとおもいます。

 

添削後の文章

 

Between 2000 and 2003, at least 251 people, who lived alone in public housing for the victims of the Great Hanshin Earthquake, have died without being watched by anyone between 2000 and 2003. They are called "Died Alone People". This was the finding of a survey recently conducted by Hyogo Prefecture.

 

 

読者からの投稿 1(Tomoyuki, 7 Feb 04

 

Over the last four years since 2000, two-hundred fifty-one persons have died alone without being looked after by anyone in their homes at the public temporary housing for those who lost their own homes by the Hanshin Great Earthquake. This is the result of a recent survey conducted by the Prefecture of Hyogo.

 

添削

 

Over the last four years since 20001, two-hundred and fifty-one persons people have died in temporary public housing alone without being looked after by anyone in their homes at the public temporary housing for those who lost their own homes by during the Great Hanshin Great Earthquake. Those two-hundred and fifty-one people were living alone and no one was taking care of them when they died2. This is the result of from a recent survey conducted by the Prefecture of Hyogo.

 

コメント

 

1.       Over the last four yearsだけで「2000年以降」の意味が含まれているので省略します。

 

2.       「一人暮らしの人が誰にもみとられずに亡くなる」が重要なので新しい文にして251人を繰り返すとわかりやすく印象が強くなります。内容の凝縮した新聞記事のような日本文の内容を英文で表現するときには、日本文の内容の要点を分解して列挙してから、要点の順番を考えて文章を再構成してから、英文で表現すると内容の統一の取れた英文を書くことがやさしくなります。

 

添削後の文章

 

Over the last four years, two-hundred and fifty-one people have died in temporary public housing for those who lost their own homes during the Great Hanshin Earthquake. Those two-hundred and fifty-one people were living alone and no one was taking care of them when they died. This is the result from a recent survey conducted by the Prefecture of Hyogo.

 

 

初級問題 133

 

KDDIは携帯電話で住所を話すだけで日本全国の地図を画面に表示できるサービスを1月29日から始める。利用者が「東京都千代田区大手町」と話すだけで携帯電話の画面に周辺地図を受信できる仕組みである。

 

読者からの投稿 11(BURU, 17 November 15

 

KDDI starts a new service from January 29. The service can show users the map if a user requests his searching location everywhere in Japan for his cell phone directly. For example, when the user speaks his phone a location like Otemachi Chiyoda City Tokyo , he can get a vicinity map on his cell phone screen.

 

添削

 

KDDI starts a new service on from January 29. The service can show a users the map of a location on his cell phone when he if a user requests speaks1 his searching location anywhere everywhere in Japan for into his cell phone directly. For example, when the user speaks into his cell phone a location like Otemachi Chiyoda City Tokyo, , he can get a vicinity map of the vicinity of the location on his cell phone screen.

 

コメント

 

内容のすべてがわかります。

 

1.       これが大事な内容ですから、早めにここに入れます。

 

添削後の文章

 

KDDI starts a new service on January 29. The service can show a user the map of a location on his cell phone when he speaks his searching location anywhere in Japan into his cell phone directly. For example, when the user speaks into his cell phone a location likeOtemachi Chiyoda City Tokyo,he can get a map of the vicinity of the location on his cell phone screen.

 

 

読者からの投稿 10(かい、25 February 11

 

On January 29, KDDI Corporation will start a new service displaying a map all over Japan on a mobile phone's screen by doing nothing but speak an address to the mobile. The service enables us to receive a surrounding map on the display by only having to speak to the mobile. For example, we speak to the mobile “Otemachi, Chiyoda Ward, Tokyo” and the surrounding map appears on the display.

 

添削

 

On January 29, KDDI Corporation will start a new service displaying a map of any place all over in Japan on a mobile phone's screen just by doing nothing but speaking an address to the mobile. The service enables us to receive a surrounding1 map of our destination on the display by only having to speaking the address to the mobile. For example, we speak to the mobile “Otemachi, Chiyoda Ward, Tokyo” and the surrounding map of the area appears on the display.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       日本文には「周辺地図」とありますが、a map of the destination「行き先の地図」がよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

On January 29, KDDI Corporation will start a new service displaying a map of any place in Japan on a mobile phone's screen just by speaking an address to the mobile. The service enables us to receive a map of our destination on the display by only speaking the address to the mobile. For example, we speak to the mobile “Otemachi, Chiyoda Ward, Tokyo” and the map of the area appears on the display.

 

 

読者からの投稿 9(mxtomi, 12 December 09

 

KDDI Corporation is going to implement a new service on January 29 to display a map of any place across the country on the screen of a cell-phone in response to customers request. The service allows a customer to immediately receive a map around, say, Otemachi on the screen of his cell-phone only by speaking “Otemachi, Chiyoda Ward, Tokyo”, into the phone.

 

添削

 

KDDI Corporation is going to implement introduce a new service on January 29 that will to display a map of any place across the country on the screen of a cell-phone in response to a customers request. The service will allows let a customer to immediately receive a map around, say, around Otemachi, on the screen of his cell-phone only by speaking “Otemachi, Chiyoda Ward, Tokyo”, into the phone.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。

 

添削後の文章

 

KDDI Corporation is going to introduce a new service on January 29 that will display a map of any place across the country on the screen of a cell-phone in response to a customer’s request. The service will let a customer to immediately receive a map, say, around Otemachi, on the screen of his cell-phone only by speaking “Otemachi, Chiyoda Ward, Tokyo”, into the phone.

 

 

読者からの投稿 8(kk, 3 July 08

 

KDDI will start a new service to show a map of Japan only by speaking an address into the cell phone on January 29. For example, a user speaks like 'Ote-machi, Chiyoda ward, Tokyo' into the one's cell phone and then a map around the address would show up on the screen of the one's cell phone.

 

添削

 

KDDI will start a new service to show a map on the screen of a cellular phone1 of Japan only by speaking an address into the cellular phone on January 29. For example, a user speaks like 'Ote-machi, Chiyoda ward, Tokyo' into the his one's cellular phone and then watches2 a map around the address would show up on the screen of the one's cell phone.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       文章の後半にスクリーンが出てきますが、大事な情報なので文章の始めに入れるとよいでしょう。

 

2.       文の前半の主語a userをそのまま後半の主語にすると内容がわかりやすくなります。

 

添削後の文章

 

KDDI will start a new service to show a map on the screen of a cellular phone only by speaking an address into the cellular phone on January 29. For example, a user speaks  'Ote-machi, Chiyoda ward, Tokyo' into his cellular phone and then watches map around the address show up on the screen.

 

 

読者からの投稿 7(dunkel, 17 June 08

 

KDDI, a cell-phone sales company in Japan, plans to start a new service from January 29. Under the new service, people can get the map around Japan which they want to see through their cell phones just by talking proper addresses. For example, if an user speaks "Otemachi, Chiyoda Ward, Tokyo" to the cell phone, he or she can get the map around the place on the screen of the cell phone easily.

 

添削

 

KDDI, a cell-phone sales company1 in Japan, plans to start a new service for its cell-phone customers on from January 29. With Under the new service, a cell-phone user people can watch a get the map of any place around Japan on his cell-phone screen which they want to see through  their cell phones just by talking speaking a proper addresses into his cell-phone. For example, if an user speaks, "Otemachi, Chiyoda Ward, Tokyo," into to his the cell phone, he or she2 can get a the map around the place on the screen of the cell phone easily.

 

コメント

 

1.       KDDIは電話サービス一般を提供していませんか?

 

2.       文章の中のgenderについてはいろいろは議論があります。chairman, chairwomanの代わりにchairpersonなどすでに広く使われているものも有ります。三人称単数で性別に関係ないときにhe or she, his or herなど列記する表記法も使われていますが、この添削では面倒なのでhe, hisと男性名詞で代表しています。

 

添削後の文章

 

KDDI, a phone company in Japan, plans to start a new service for its cell-phone customers on January 29. With the new service, a cell-phone user can watch a map of any place around Japan on his cell-phone screen just by speaking a proper address into his cell-phone. For example, if a user speaks, "Otemachi, Chiyoda Ward, Tokyo," into to his cell phone, he can get a map around the place on the screen.

 

 

読者からの投稿 6(岩ちゃん、28 June 07

 

KDDI will start the service that can show maps all over Japan on the screen of mobile phones from January 29 when users speak an address to their mobile phone. This system is that when a user speaks "Otemachi Chiyoda ward in Tokyo" to his mobile phone, he can receive a map around Otemachi on its screen.

 

添削

 

KDDI will start the a service on January 29 that can show a maps1 of any place  all over in Japan on the screen of a mobile phones from January 29 when users speak an address to their mobile phone. This system is that wWhen2 a user speaks an address such as "Otemachi Chiyoda ward in Tokyo" into his mobile phone, he can receive a map around Otemachi on its the screen of his mobile phone.

 

コメント

 

1.       単数で代表するとよいでしょう。

 

2.       文が長くなるので、ここから新しい文にします。内容が重複しないように、ここで大手町の例を説明すればよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

KDDI will start a service on January 29 that can show a map of any place in Japan on the screen of a mobile phone. When a user speaks an address such as "Otemachi Chiyoda ward in Tokyo" into his mobile phone, he can receive a map around Otemachi on the screen of his mobile phone.

 

 

読者からの投稿 5(散歩人、27 June 07

 

KDDI will start offering a novel service from January 29th. By using the service, the users of KDDI's mobile phone just say the address they request into the phone and get the map of any place in Japan throughout the monitor of the mobile phone. How to get a map around "Otemachi" is only to say "Otemachi of Chiyoda Ward in Tokyo" into the mobile phone.

 

添削

 

KDDI will start offering a novel service to cellular phone users from on January 29th. By using the service, the Cellular phone1 users of KDDI's mobile phone just speak2 say the an address they request into the phone and get the a map of any place in Japan throughout on the monitor screen of their mobile phone. For example3 , How to get a map around "Otemachi", is only to just speak say "Otemachi of Chiyoda Ward in Tokyo" into the mobile phone.

 

コメント

 

1.       サービスの説明が後に続くので、ここではBy using this serviceはいらないでしょう。

 

2.       sayは「話す」、speakは「(話をするために)音声を発する」なので、ここではspeakがよいでしょう。

 

3.       For exampleを入れると文の続きがよくなります。

 

添削後の文章

 

KDDI will start offering a novel service to cellular phone users on January 29th. Cellular phone users just speak an address they request into the phone and get a map of any place in Japan on the screen of their phone. For example, to get a map around Otemachi, just speak "Otemachi of Chiyoda Ward in Tokyo" into the phone.

 

 

読者からの投稿 4(KAPPA2006, 5 September 06

 

As from January 29, KDD will start a new service that a map of any place in Japan is displayed by telling an address with a mobile phone. When a user speaks “Ohtemachi, Chiyada-ku, Tokyo”, he/she can get the surrounding map received and displayed in a mobile phone.

 

添削

 

As from On1 January 29, KDD will start a new service that a map of any place in Japan is displayed on the screen of by telling an address with2 a mobile phone by just talking an address into the mobile phone. When a user speaks “Ohtemachi, Chiyada-ku, Tokyo”, he/she can get the surrounding3 map received and displayed on in a the mobile phone.

 

コメント

 

1.       will startとあるのでon January 29だけで、「1月29日から始める」の意味になります。

 

2.       is displaced on the screen of ~ とどこに表示するのかその場所をis displayedのすぐ後ろの持ってくるとわかりやすくなります。

 

3.       「周辺地図」とありますが、単にthe mapでよいでしょう。the map of the place and the surrounding areaとするとある特定の住所とその周辺の地図となりますが、ここではthe mapだけで大手町とその周辺の意味になるでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

On January 29, KDD will start a new service that a map of any place in Japan is displayed on the screen of a mobile phone by just talking an address into the mobile phone. When a user speaks “Ohtemachi, Chiyada-ku, Tokyo”, he/she can get the map received and displayed on the mobile phone.

 

 

読者からの投稿 3(マウント60、3 November 04

 

KDDI Corporation will start on January 29 a service of showing a map of any part of Japan on the liquid crystal panel of a cellular phone if you just give an address on the phone.  When a telephone user only says, "Ote-Machi, Chiyoda-Ward, Tokyo," his cellular phone can receive and show a map of the area and its vicinity on the panel of the phone.

 

添削

 

KDDI Corporation will start on January 29 a service of showing a map of any part of Japan on the liquid crystal panel of a cellular phone1. if youYou just give talk2 an address on to the phone.  When a telephone user only says,, for example, "Ote-Machi, Chiyoda-Ward, Tokyo," and his your cellular phone can receive and show a map of the area and its vicinity on the panel of the phone.

 

コメント

 

1.       ここでいったん文を切ると、内容を重複しないで添削のようにできます。

 

2.       give an addressだと「話すだけ」で入力するという大切なところがはっきりしません。

 

添削後の文章

 

KDDI Corporation will start on January 29 a service of showing a map of any part of Japan on the liquid crystal panel of a cellular phone. You just talk an address to the phone, for example, "Ote-Machi, Chiyoda-Ward, Tokyo," and your cellular phone can receive and show a map of the area and its vicinity on the panel of the phone.

 

 

読者からの投稿 2(Knight, 5 April 04

 

KDDI is to begin a new service in which only speaking addresses enables a mobile phone to display the map across the country on its screen on Jan. 29. In this service when users simply voice the address such as "Ootemachi, Chiyoda Ward Tokyo", the mobile phone can download the map images of the surrounding area and display it on its screen.

 

添削

 

On January 29, 20041, KDDI is to begin a new digital map service for cellular phone users: in which only speaking an addresses into the cellular phone will enables a mobile the phone to display the a map across the country on its screen. on Jan. 29. In For this service, when users can simply voice speak an address as the address such as "Ootemachi, Chiyoda Ward Tokyo,",then the mobile phone can download the map images of the address  of and the surrounding area and display it on its screen2.

 

コメント

 

1.       日付はここに持ってきたほうが文のおさまりがよいです。月の名称は文の中で省略して書くと、他とのバランスがとれません。省略しないで書くことを勧めます。

 

2.       既に前の文で説明してあるので省略したほうが文章がすっきりします。日本文の中に重複した情報が入っているので、英文ではどのように重複をとるかが問題になります。日本文の内容を整理するのも一つの方法です。

 

添削後の文章

 

On January 29, 2004, KDDI is to begin a new digital map service for cellular phone users: speaking an address into the cellular phone will enable the phone to display a map across the country on its screen. For this service, users can simply speak an address as "Ootemachi, Chiyoda Ward Tokyo," then the mobile phone can download the map image of the address   and the surrounding area.

 

 

読者からの投稿 1(えり、9 Feb 04

 

On January 29, KDDI will start a new digital map service for cellular phones. A cellular phone user speaks an address such as Tokyo Chiyoda Ward Ohtemachi into the cellular phone and can watch a map around the address on the cellular phone screen.

 

添削

 

On January 29, KDDI will start a new digital map service for cellular phones1. A cCellular phone users2 speaks an address such as Tokyo Chiyoda Ward Ohtemachi into the cellular phone, such as “Tokyo Chiyoda Ward Ohtemachi3,” and can watch a map appear4 around the address on the screen5 of the cellular phone screen.

 

コメント

 

1.       「KDDIは携帯電話で住所を話すだけで日本全国の地図を画面に表示できるサービスを1月29日から始める。」を、えりさんは簡単にOn January 29, KDDI will start a new digital map service for cellular phones.と表現しています。次の文でこのサービスの内容を説明しているので、最初の文では説明する必要はないですね。このように日本文の内容を整理して英文で表現することが大切です。複雑な内容の文や、一つの長い文にいろいろな内容が詰め込まれているときには、内容の整理が英文で表現するときには役立ちます。

 

2.       一般的な利用者を指す場合には、通常、複数形を使います。

 

3.       引用句を使うと文が読みやすく、内容もはっきりします。

 

4.       Appearをいれて動作に動きが出るように表現します。

 

5.       日本文では名詞を次々に並べた複合名詞を良く使いますが、英文では名詞を続けた複合名詞を嫌う傾向があります。日本語の複合名詞は漢字が名詞と動詞の両方を役割をするので内容がわかりますが、英語の複合名詞で名詞だけ連ねるとその名詞間の関係が曖昧になるので嫌います。

 

添削後の文章

 

On January 29, KDDI will start a new digital map service for cellular phones. Cellular phone users speak an address into the cellular phone, such as “Tokyo Chiyoda Ward Ohtemachi,” and can watch a map appear on the screen of the cellular phone.

 

 

初級問題 134

 

人員削減や賃下げなどでサラリーマンにとって厳しい時代が続く中、副業に関心が集まっている。日本では、副業を禁止している企業が一般的だが、容認する社も出始めており、企業社会に根を下ろす可能性もある。

 

読者からの投稿 10(BURU, 28 February 16

 

The harsh economy time for employees such as Lay-off and low-wage has been lasting. Therefore, employees are, now, interesting in a sideline business. Normally, Japanese companies prohibited their employees from working their sideline business. But now, some companies allow their sideline business. So, we can assume that the sideline will take hold in general in corporate society near future in Japan.

 

添削

 

The harsh economy economic time for employees such as Llay-offs and low-wages have has been continuing lasting. Therefore, employees are, now, interesting in a sideline business. Normally, Japanese companies prohibited their employees from working their sideline businesses1. But now, some companies allow their employees to have a their sideline business. So, we can assume that the sideline business2 will take hold in general in corporate society near future in Japan.

 

コメント

 

内容のすべてがわかります。

 

1.       具体的な副業の一つ一つを指すので可算名詞として扱い、複数形にします。

 

2.       副業をすること一般をさすので不可算名詞として扱います。

 

添削後の文章

 

The harsh economic time for employees such as lay-offs and low-wages have been continuing. Therefore, employees are now interesting in a sideline business. Normally, Japanese companies prohibit their employees from working their sideline businesses. But now some companies allow their employees to have a sideline business. So, we can assume that sideline business will take hold in general in corporate society near future in Japan.

 

 

読者からの投稿 9(かい、26 February 11

 

Under a tough situation for corporate employees on account of a reduction in workforces and wages, the employees begin to be interested in a second job. Japanese company have mostly prohibited a second job, but recently, some companies are showing a sign giving a permission of a side job . Moreover there is a possibility that a second job penetrates deep into the corporate society.

 

添削

 

Under a the1 current tough situation for corporate employees on account of a reduction in workforces and wages, the2 employees begin to get be interested in a second job. Japanese companyies have mostly prohibited a second job, but recently, some companies are showing a sign of giving a permission for of a side business job . Moreover, there is a good chance possibility that a second job becomes popular3 penetrates deep into in the corporate society.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。

 

the current tough situationcurrentをつけて限定的にすると、内容が具体的になります。初出ですが、「現在の状況」と多くの人が知っている現実なのでtheをつけます。

 

 すでにcorporate employeesが文章に出ていますが、とくにこの人たちのことではなく、一般の人を言っているので定冠詞をつけません。

 

日本文には「根を下ろす可能性もある」とありますが、これは日本語の常套句なので、これをそのまま英文で表現する必要はありません。添削のような簡単な表現でよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

Under the current tough situation for corporate employees on account of a reduction in workforces and wages, employees begin to get interested in a second job. Japanese companies have mostly prohibited a second job, but recently, some companies are showing a sign of giving a permission for a side business. Moreover, there is a good chance that a second job becomes popular in corporate society.

 

 

読者からの投稿 8(mxtomi, 12 Dec 09

 

What with staff reduction and what with wage cutback, corporate employees have been experiencing tough times these days. Under such circumstances the sideline business has been attracting their increasing attention. While most companies in Japan ban their employee from working a second job, some companies are seen to start permitting it. There appears to be a possibility that the sideline business will take hold across corporate society in Japan.

 

添削

 

What with sStaff reductions and what with wage cutbacks taking place all around them, corporate employees are have been experiencing tough times these days. Under such circumstances the sideline businesses have has been attracting their increasing attention. While most companies in Japan ban their employee from working a second job, some companies have are seen to started permitting it them. There appears to be a possibility that the sSideline businesses may will take hold across corporate society in Japan.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。

 

添削後の文章

 

Staff reductions and wage cutbacks taking place all around them, corporate employees are  experiencing tough times these days. Under such circumstances sideline businesses have  been attracting their increasing attention. While most companies in Japan ban their employee from working a second job, some companies have started permitting them. Sideline businesses may take hold across corporate society in Japan.

 

 

読者からの投稿 7(kk, 5 July 08

 

Salaried workers are having a hard time due to cuts of staff and payment in their workplaces. Japanese companies used to ban the employees' side jobs in general, but recently some companies are starting to allow side jobs for their employees. This trend might take root among companies in Japanese society.

 

添削

 

Salaried workers are having a hard time due to the reduction of cuts of staff and payments at in their workplaces. At most1 Japanese companies, used to ban the employees' are banned from doing their side jobs in general,. bBut recently, in light of the tough labour market2, some companies are starting to allow side jobs for their employees. This new trend may might take root among companies in Japanese business society.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       「副業を禁止している企業が一般的だが」は「大部分の企業では副業は禁止されているが」と言い直したほうがわかりやすくなります。投稿ではin generalがどの言葉をせつめいしているかはっきりしません。

 

2.       このような句を挿入すると最初の文とのつながりはよくなるでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

Salaried workers are having a hard time due to the reduction of staff and payments at their workplaces. At most Japanese companies, employees are banned from doing their side jobs. But recently, in light of the tough labour market, some companies are starting to allow side jobs for their employees. This new trend may take root in Japanese business society.

 

 

読者からの投稿 6(dunkel, 18 June 08

 

Many corporate employees get interested in having a second job because they think companies continue to reduce labor and cut wages in the future. Generally speaking, Japanese companies prohibited their employees from having a second job. But some companies start to allow second job for their employees in these days and these culture may take roots in business society in Japan.

 

添削

 

Many corporate employees are getting1 interested in having a second job because they think companies continue to reduce labor and cut wages in the future. Generally speaking, Japanese companies have2 prohibited their employees from having a second job. But some companies are starting to allow a second job for their employees. This new trend in these days and these culture3 may take roots in business society in Japan.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       このような時に現在進行形を使うと臨場感がでます。

 

2.       「今までずっと」という意味で現在完了形がよいでしょう。

 

3.       these this culturecultureがわかり難いですね。簡単にthis new trendがよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

Many corporate employees are getting interested in having a second job because they think companies continue to reduce labor and cut wages in the future. Generally speaking, Japanese companies have prohibited their employees from having a second job. But some companies are starting to allow a second job for their employees. This new trend may take root in business society in Japan.

 

 

読者からの投稿 5(散歩人、27 June 07

 

In times like such a severest situation against businessmen that Job-shedding and Cost-cutting is continuing, wide interest to sideline works is higher than ever. In generally, most enterprises restrict sideline works, but recently some of enterprises have allowed employees to do a sideline work. Therefore, the notion of sideline work maybe take hold across the corporate community.

 

添削 

 

In times like such a tough time severest situation against for businessmen when that Jobj ob-shedding and Ccost-cutting is are wide spread continuing, people on salary1 are more and more wide interested in to sideline businesses2 works is higher than ever. In generally, most enterprises restrict prohibit sideline works business by their employees, but recently some of enterprises them have allowed their employees to do a sideline businesses work. Therefore, the notion of side businesses sideline work maybe take hold in the Japanese business across the corporate community.

 

コメント

 

1.       自営業者は幾つ仕事をしてもよいわけですから、ここではサラリーマン people on salaryと限定するとよいでしょう。

 

2.       sideline workとすると本業に付随した仕事(これもサラリーマンの仕事の内)という意味に取れるので、a side business  とするとよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

In such a tough time for businessmen when job-shedding and cost-cutting are wide spread, people on salary are more and more interested in side businesses. In general, most enterprises prohibit side business by their employees, but recently some of them have allowed their employees to do side businesses. Therefore, the notion of side businesses  may take hold in the Japanese business community.

 

 

読者からの投稿 4(KAPPA2006, 5 September 06

 

Side jobs are being focused in hard days of salaried person when there are many redundancies and wage-cuts. A side job is generally prohibited in Japanese companies but some companies begin to allow it. There is a possibility that a side job becomes popular in future business society.

 

添削

 

Side jobs are being focused attracting interest of1 in hard days of salaried person employees when there are many redundancies job terminations and wage-cuts. A side job is generally prohibited in Japanese companies but some companies have beginun to allow their employees to have a side job2 it. There is a possibility that a side job becomes popular in the future business society.

 

コメント 

 

1.       His attention is focused on a side job. He is focusing his attention to a side job.というように使います。

 

2.       補足説明をつけたほうが内容がよくわかります。

 

添削後の文章

 

Side jobs are attracting interest of salaried employees when there are many job terminations and wage-cuts. A side job is generally prohibited in Japanese companies but some companies have begun to allow their employees to have a side job. There is a possibility that a side job becomes popular in the future business society.

 

 

読者からの投稿 3(マウント60、6 November 04

 

Salaried workers, faced with the reduction in workforce or salary, continue to have such a hard time that they are beginning to take an interest in side jobs. It is common that Japanese companies prohibit their employees from having a side job, but some are approving the trend. There is a chance that this is going to take root in corporate society.

 

添削

 

Salaried workers, faced with the reduction in workforce or salary, continue to have such a hard time that they are beginning to take an interest in side jobs1. It is common that Japanese companies prohibit their employees from having a side job, but some are approving the this new2 trend. There is a chance that this is going to take root in corporate society.

 

コメント

 

1.       such ~ thatで文を繋いだのがとてもよいですね。日本文では「厳しい時代が続く中、副業に関心が集まっている。」となっていて、因果関係が暗示的です。英語では因果関係を明示的にしなければいけないので、「〜だから、こうなった」なのか「〜であるが、しかしこうなった」なのか、はっきりしなければなりません。

 

2.       the trendとするとこの文の前半は「副業を禁止する」ことになっているので混乱します。this new trendとして前の文の内容を示すようにしたほうがよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

Salaried workers, faced with the reduction in workforce or salary, continue to have such a hard time that they are beginning to take an interest in side jobs. It is common that Japanese companies prohibit their employees from having a side job, but some are approving this new trend. There is a chance that this is going to take root in corporate society.

 

 

読者からの投稿 2 (Knight, 6 April 04)

 

Company employees are getting interested in moonlighting, while they are going through hard times due to corporate downsizing, lowering of wages, and so on. Most companies in Japan ban the moonlighting, but some companies has began to accept it. So there is a possibility that moonlighting will take root in the corporate community.

 

添削

 

Company employees are getting interested in moonlighting,1 while they are going through hard times due to corporate downsizing, lowering of wages wage cuts, and so on. Most companies in Japan ban the moonlighting,1 but some companies has have began begun to accept it. So there is a possibility that moonlighting will take root in the corporate community.

 

コメント

 

Knightさんは日本文の内容をわかりやすい英文で表現しています。

 

1.       文の前半と後半が密接につながっているので、ここではコンマを入れないほうがよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

Company employees are getting interested in moonlighting while they are going through hard times due to corporate downsizing, wage cuts, and so on. Most companies in Japan ban moonlighting but some companies have begun to accept it. So there is a possibility that moonlighting will take root in the corporate community.

 

 

読者からの投稿 1(Asaka, 9 Feb 04

 

People on salary are hit hardest by restructuring and salary reduction in the current recession. More and more of them are getting interested in starting a side business. It is common for Japanese companies to prohibit side businesses by their employees. But now some companies have changed their policies and allowed side businesses by their employees. It may be possible that side businesses by people on salary are widely accepted in the Japanese business environment.

 

添削

 

People on salary are have been1 hit hardest by restructuring and salary reduction in the current recession. This could be a reason that2 Mmore and more of them are getting interested in starting a side business. It is common for Japanese companies to prohibit side businesses by their employees. But now some companies have changed their policies and allowed to allow3 side businesses by their employees. Soon4, Itt it may even be possible that side businesses by people on salary are widely accepted in the Japanese business environment.

 

コメント

 

1.       People on salary are hit hardest ~とすると一般的な命題になってしまうので、実際にこういうことが起こってきた、というこうとを強調するにはPeople on salary have been hit hardest ~ とすると良いでしょう。

 

2.       Asakaさんは「人員削減や賃下げなどでサラリーマンにとって厳しい時代が続く中、副業に関心が集まっている。」を二つの文にわけて英文で表現しています。これは日本文の内容を整理して英文で表現するときにとても有効な方法です。ただし、文と文のつながりが必要なときは、添削のように何か連絡になるものをつけると良いでしょう。

 

3.       have changed their policies to allow side businessesとすると「政策を変えること」と、「副業を許可すること」の間の関係が密接になります。

 

4.       Soonという副詞で、文と文との関連を滑らかにします。プレイン・イングリッシュは読者に内容を正確に伝えることを第一とするので、読者に読みやすい短い文を多用します。ただし、短い文は文と文との関連が弱くなることがあるので、副詞や副詞句で文と文との関連を示すようにします。

 

添削後の文章

 

People on salary have been hit hardest by restructuring and salary reduction in the current recession. This could be a reason that more and more of them are getting interested in starting a side business. It is common for Japanese companies to prohibit side businesses by their employees. But now some companies have changed their policies to allow side businesses. Soon, it may even be possible that side businesses by people on salary are widely accepted in the Japanese business environment.

 

 

初級問題 135

 

日本への留学生が昨年、初めて十万人を突破した。五年前のほぼ二倍。日本で就職を希望する留学生は三千人を超える。国籍の別なく、優秀であれば採用する。そんな姿勢の企業も増えつつある。

 

読者からの投稿 11(BURU, 07 December 15

 

It was first time that the number of foreign students to Japan exceeded 100,000 people last year. This is twice compared with 5 years ago. About 3,000 students of them prefer to work in Japan. So some Japanese companies consider adopting applicants no matter what their nationality if applicants are competent.

 

添削

 

Last year1, It was first time that the number of foreign students to Japan exceeded 100,000 people last year for the first time. This is was twice as large as the number compared with 5 five years ago2. About 3,000 students of them prefer to work in Japan. So some Japanese companies consider accepting adopting applicants no matter what their nationalityies are if they applicants are competent.

 

コメント

 

内容が総て推測できます。

 

1.       特に昨年ということを強調する必要がないので、このような構造にしてfor the first timeを文末に置くとよいでしょう。

 

2.       The number almost doubled from five years ago.という言い方もできます。

 

添削後の文章

 

Last year, the number of foreign students to Japan exceeded 100,000 for the first time. This was twice as large as the number five years ago. About 3,000 of them prefer to work in Japan. So some Japanese companies consider accepting applicants no matter what their nationalities are if they are competent.

 

 

読者からの投稿 10(かい、28 February 11

 

Last year, the number of foreign students coming to Japan became more then 100,000 for the first time and twice time as many as five years ago. The number of the students who hope for getting a job in Japan has exceeded more than 3,000. Companies are now gradually showing the following attitude. “If the students have good skills, we will take in regardless of their nationality.”

 

添削

 

Last year, the number of foreign students in coming to1 Japan reached became more than then 100,000 for the first time and became twice time as many as five years ago. The number of the students who want2 to get hope for getting a job in Japan after they finish school has exceeded more than 3,000. Japanese Ccompanies are now gradually showing adopting a new the following attitude., “If the students have good skills, we will hire them take in regardless of their nationalityies.”

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       students coming to Japanでは「毎年〜だけの」となります。ここでは日本にいる外国人学生の総数ですから、students in Japanとします。

 

2.       hope to get a job 「仕事があったらいいなあ」とwant to get a job「仕事を欲しい」の違いがあります。日本文には「希望する」とありますが、実際はそれ以上のことを望んでいるとおもいます。

 

添削後の文章

 

Last year, the number of foreign students in Japan reached more than 100,000 for the first time and became twice as many as five years ago. The number of students who want to get  a job in Japan after they finish school has exceeded more than 3,000. Japanese companies are now gradually adopting a new attitude, “If students have good skills, we will hire them  regardless of their nationalities.”

 

 

読者からの投稿 9(mxtomi, 12 December 09

 

The number of international students in Japan exceeded 100 thousand, nearly twice as many as 5 years ago, for the first time last year. More than 3,000 students of them are wishing to get a job here in Japan after graduation. Meanwhile, an increasing number of companies are hiring students on the basis of what they can do, irrespective of what country they are from. 

 

添削

 

The number of international foreign students in Japan has exceeded 100 thousand, nearly twice as many as 5 five years ago, for the first time last year. More than 3,000 students of them are wishing to get a job here in Japan after graduation. Meanwhile, an increasing number of companies are hiring students on the basis of what they can do, irrespective of what country they are from. 

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。

 

添削後の文章

 

The number of foreign students in Japan has exceeded 100 thousand, nearly twice as many as five years ago, for the first time last year. More than 3,000 of them wish to get a job in Japan after graduation. Meanwhile, an increasing number of companies are hiring students on the basis of what they can do, irrespective of what country they are from. 

 

 

読者からの投稿 8(kk, 5 July 08

 

Overseas students studying in Japan broke a record of 100,000 students for the first time last year. The number has doubled in the last five years. More than 3,000 students was hoping to land a job in Japan after their graduation. Behind the background, an increasing number of companies has been hiring excellent students regardless of their nationalities.

 

添削

 

Overseas students studying in Japan broke a record of 100,000 students for the first time last year. The number has doubled in the last five years. Now Mmore than 3,000 students want to work was hoping to land a job in Japan after they graduate1 their graduation. Responding to such demands2, Behind the background, an increasing number of Japanese companies are has been hiring excellent students regardless of their nationalities.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       日本語の表現に捕らわれないで簡略な英文表現を使うとよいでしょう。

 

2.       Reflecting such conditions in the backgroundというような表現も使えますが、ここではもっと内容に密接したresponding to such demandsというような表現がよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

Overseas students studying in Japan broke a record of 100,000 students for the first time last year. The number has doubled in the last five years. Now more than 3,000 students want to work in Japan after they graduate. Responding to such demands, an increasing number of Japanese companies are hiring excellent students regardless of their nationalities.

 

 

読者からの投稿 7(dunkel, 19 June 08

 

Last year, the number of foreign students in Japan exceeded 100,000 for the first time. That was twice as much as that of five years ago. And the number of foreign students who wants to get a job in Japan after graduation exceeds 3,000 now. Also, the number of companies which only care about the ability of the applicants and do not mind the nationality is increasing now.

 

添削

 

Last year, the number of foreign students in Japan exceeded 100,000 for the first time. That This was twice as much many as that of five years ago. And now the number of foreign students who wants1 to get a job in Japan after graduation exceeds 3,000 now. Also, an increasing the number of companies are hiring2 which foreign students regardless of their nationalities as long as their have excellent abilities only care about the ability of the applicants and do not mind the nationality is increasing now.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       the number of foreign students who want to ~ではstudentsのへの関連が強いのでwho wantとなります。

 

2.       投稿では主語が長くなるのでan increasing number of ~という形式を使うとよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

Last year, the number of foreign students in Japan exceeded 100,000 for the first time. This was twice as many as that of five years ago. And now the number of foreign students who want to get a job in Japan after graduation exceeds 3,000. Also, an increasing number of companies are hiring foreign students regardless of their nationalities as long as their have excellent abilities .

 

 

読者からの投稿 6(散歩人、28 June 07

 

It was first time that the number of foreign students coming to Japan was over 100 thousand last year. The number of such a student is about twice as large as the number of five years ago. The foreign student who want to get a job in Japan is over three thousand. The increasing number of company has been adopted the excellent foreign student, regardless of their nationality.

 

添削

 

It Last year was the first time that the number of foreign students who were coming studying1 to in Japan exceeded was over 100 thousand last year. The number of such a students is now about twice as large as that the number of five years ago. The number of foreign students who want to get a job in Japan after they finish school also is over exceeded three thousand. To respond to such students2, The an increasing number of company companies are hiring has been adopted the excellent talented foreign students, regardless of their nationality.

 

コメント

 

1.       last yearと文にあるので、foreign students coming to Japanとすると、去年に日本に留学に来た学生が10万人を越えた、という意味になります。

 

2.       前の文からの続きをよくするために、このような挿入句を使うとよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

Last year was the first time that the number of foreign students who were studying in Japan exceeded 100 thousand. The number of such students is now about twice as large as that  five years ago. The number of foreign students who want to get a job in Japan after they finish school also exceeded three thousand. To respond to such students, an increasing number of companies are hiring talented foreign students regardless of their nationality.

 

 

読者からの投稿 5(岩ちゃん、28 June 07

 

The students who came to Japan for study exceeded 100,000 for the first time. This is about double number, compared with five years ago. The students who hope to get a job in Japan exceeded 3,000. If they are a talented person regardless of their nationality, Japanese companies tend to adopt them.

 

添削

 

The number of students who came to Japan for study exceeded 100,000 for the first time. The number has doubled in the last This is about double number, compared with five years ago1. The number of students who hope to get a job in Japan after they finish school2 now exceededs 3,000. If they are a talented person regardless of their nationality, an increasing number of Japanese companies hire them regardless of their nationality3 tend to adopt them.

 

コメント

 

1.       こう表現すると簡単になります。

 

2.       この説明を加えるとよいでしょう。

 

3.       regardless ~はここに置いたほうがhireとの関連が深くなるのでわかりやすくなります。

 

添削後の文章

 

The number of students who came to Japan for study exceeded 100,000 for the first time. The number has doubled in the last five years. The number of students who hope to get a job in Japan after they finish school now exceeds 3,000. If they are talented, an increasing number of Japanese companies hire them regardless of their nationality .

 

 

読者からの投稿 4(KAPPA2006, 5 September 06

 

It is the first time that the number of foreign students to Japan exceeds 100,000 last year. It is about twice as that of five years ago. More than 3,000 foreign students hope to work in Japan, Regardless of the nationality, they are employed if they are excellent. The number of companies having such policy is increasing.

 

添削

 

It is the first time that Last year, the number of foreign students to in Japan exceedsed 100,000 for the first time last year. It is was about twice as large as that of five years ago. Now Mmore than 3,000 foreign students hope to work in Japan,. Regardless of the nationality, we employ foreign students they are employed if they are excellent1. The  An increasing number of companies is adopting having such policy is increasing2.

 

コメント

 

1.       引用句で囲んでこれが会社の方針であるということをはっきりさせ、またwe employ foreign studentswe(会社)を主語にするとよいでしょう。

 

2.       「〜するものが増えている」という内容にはAn increasing number of ~ does A.という表現が便利です。

 

添削後の文章

 

Last year, the number of foreign students in Japan exceeded 100,000 for the first time . It was about twice as large as that of five years ago. Now more than 3,000 foreign students hope to work in Japan. “Regardless of the nationality, we employ foreign students if they are excellent.“ An increasing number of companies is adopting such policy.

 

 

読者からの投稿 3(マウント60、6 November 04

 

The number of foreign students in Japan exceeded 100,000 for the first time last year. This is about twice as large as that of five years ago. More than 3,000 students wish to get a job in Japan. Wherever they came, they get employed only if they are competent enough.  More and more companies are taking such an attitude.   

 

添削

 

The number of foreign students in Japan exceeded 100,000 for the first time last year. This is was1 about twice as large as that of five years ago. Now2 Mmore than 3,000 students wish to get a job in Japan. Wherever they came are from, we3 employ them they get employed only if they are competent enough. More and more companies are taking such an attitude.   

 

コメント

 

1.       昨年のことなのでここは過去形です。

 

2.       ここから後は現在の状況として表現すると良いでしょう。そのためにNowで文を始めます。

 

3.       最後の文がcompaniesが主語なので、この文でもそれに呼応してweを主語にしたほうがわかりやすくなります。

 

添削後の文章

 

The number of foreign students in Japan exceeded 100,000 for the first time last year. This was about twice as large as that of five years ago. Now more than 3,000 students wish to get a job in Japan. Wherever they are from, we employ them if they are competent enough. More and more companies are taking such an attitude.   

 

 

読者からの投稿 2(Knight, 6 April 04

 

The number of foreign students coming to Japan has exceeded 100 million for the first time, almost double the figure of five years ago. There are over 3000 foreign students who want to get employed in Japan. So there are increasing number of companies who employ applicants as long as they are excellent irrespective of their nationalities.

 

添削

 

The number of foreign students coming to Japan for study has exceeded 100 million thousands for the first time and almost doubled1 the figure of over the last five years ago. There are oOver 3,000 foreign students2 who want to get employed work in Japan after they finish school. So there are  an increasing number of companies3 who employ applicants as long as they are excellent on the basis of their merits4 irrespective of their nationalityies .

 

コメント

 

2.       動詞で表現したほうが文に動きがあり、内容がわかりやすくなります。

 

3.       There is, there areの文の構造より、具体的なものを主語にする文の構造のほうが、一般に表現が明確になります。

 

4.       ここも主語を具体的なものに選びます。「〜が増加している」には An increasing number of ~ does…の形が便利です。

 

5.       投稿のままでも意味はわかりますが、as long as という表現は「(他にはいろいろと問題はあるかもしれないが)国籍は問題とせずに(本人の能力が)優秀なら採用しよう」といった感じになります。添削のようにすると「(本人の)能力の基づいて、国籍のいかんに関わらず採用する」といった感じな積極的な表現になります。

 

添削後の文章

 

The number of foreign students coming to Japan for study has exceeded 100 thousands for the first time and almost doubled over the last five years. Over 3,000 foreign students want to  work in Japan after they finish school. So an increasing number of companies employ applicants on the basis of their merits irrespective of their nationality.

 

 

読者からの投稿 1(まま、16 Feb 04

 

The total number of foreign students in Japan doubled in the last five years and reached over 100,000 last year. Some 3,000 foreign students want to work in Japan after they finish their school. To respond to such a situation, an increasing number of Japanese companies are employing foreign students on the basis of the merits of the foreign students regardless of their nationality.

 

添削

 

The total number of foreign students in Japan has1 doubled in the last five years and reached over 100,000 last year2. Some 3,000 foreign students3 want to work in Japan after they finish their4 school. To respond to such a situation5 an increasing number of Japanese companies6 are employing foreign students on the basis of the their merits of the oreign students regardless of their nationality7.

 

コメント

 

1.       現在完了形にすると「過去五年間増加してきて、五年前と現在を較べると二倍になった」という意味がはっきりします。過去形ですと「過去五年間のどこかの時点で二倍になった」という意味にもとれます。

 

2.       「日本への留学生が昨年、初めて十万人を突破した。五年前のほぼ二倍。」を日本文の内容の順序で英文で表現すると、The total number of foreign students reached over 100,000 last year and has doubled in the last five years.となりますが、この順序だと「昨年、十万人を突破して」からまた「過去五年で二倍になった」となり、少し考えないと十万人と二倍の関係がわかりません。ままさんは「過去五年間で二倍」を始に持ってきているので、「十万人に達した」がその内容だとわかります。このように、英文で表現するときには、日本文の内容を考えて英文で表現するときの順序を決める必要があります。日本文の内容の順序をそのままにしたいなら、次のようになるでしょう。The total number of foreign students reached over 100,000 last year and thus has doubled over the last five years.

 

3.       Go to school, finish schoolなど「学校に勉強に行く」、「学業を終える、卒業する」は慣例句で、冠詞を付けないで使います。

 

4.       ままさんは「三千人を超える」をsome 3,000 students(三千人あまりの)と簡単に表現しています。

 

5.       To respond to such a situationがあるので前の文との内容のつながりが出来ていますね。

 

6.       「そんな姿勢の企業も増えつつある。」をan increasing number of Japanese companies are ~とするのはよく使う表現法です。

 

7.       複数の学生の国籍なのでregardless of their nationalitiesといいたくなりますが、ここでは個々の国籍を問題にしているのではなく、一般的に「国籍とは関係なく」という意味なので単数形で使います。

 

添削後の文章

 

The total number of foreign students in Japan has doubled in the last five years and reached over 100,000 last year. Some 3,000 foreign students want to work in Japan after they finish school. To respond to such a situation an increasing number of Japanese companies are employing foreign students on the basis of their merits regardless of their nationality.

 

 

初級問題 136

 

内閣府が日本、米国、ドイツ、スウェーデン、韓国五か国の青年を対象にして自国の問題点を尋ねたところ、日本の青年は65%が「就職が難しく、失業も多い」ことを挙げた。この回答の割合はドイツ(71%)の次に高かった。韓国は55%、米国とスウェーデンは30%台だった。

 

読者からの投稿 11(BURU, 07 December 15

 

Home Affair Office surveyed among young generation about the issue of own country. This was conducted among five countries as follows: Japan, USA, Germany, Sweden and Korea. 65% of Japanese young men highlighted the difficulty of finding a job and the many jobless among them. This was the second highest after Germany which recorded 71%. Korea was 55% and both US. and Sweden are around 30 % .

 

添削

 

The Home Affair Office of Japanese Government surveyed among young people in the world generation about what they thought were the major issues in of own their countryies. This survey was conducted in among the five following countries as follows: Japan, USA, Germany, Sweden and Korea. 65% of Japanese young people men highlighted the difficulty of finding a job and the existence of1 the many jobless people among them. This percentage was the second highest after Germany which recorded 71%. For Korea, the percentage was 55% and for both US. and Sweden the percentage was about are around 30 % .

 

コメント

 

内容の概要を推測できます。

 

1.       The difficulty of ~, the existence of ~と同じ形にすると読みやすくなります。

 

添削後の文章

 

The Home Affair Office of Japanese Government surveyed young people in the world about what they thought were major issues in their countries. This survey was conducted in the five following countries: Japan, USA, Germany, Sweden and Korea. 65% of Japanese young people highlighted the difficulty of finding a job and the existence of many jobless people among them. This percentage was the second highest after Germany which recorded 71%. For Korea, the percentage was 55% and for both US. and Sweden the percentage was about 30 % .

 

 

読者からの投稿 10(OKEN, 26 June 12

 

Japanese Cabinet Office has asked young people about their own country’s problems in five countries such as Japan, the US, German, Sweden, and Korea. Sixty five percent of Japanese young people pointed difficulty in job seeking and high unemployment rate as their country’s problems. The rate was next to German (seventy one percent), and fifty five percent in Korea and about thirty percent in the US and Sweden

 

添削

 

The Japanese Cabinet Office has asked young people about their own country’s problems in five countries, such as1 Japan, the US, Germany, Sweden, and South Korea. Sixty five percent of Japanese young people pointed identified difficulty in getting a job seeking and the high unemployment rate as their country’s most serious problems. This percentage The rate2 was the second highest after next to Germany (seventy one percent).,3 The percentage was and fifty five percent in South Korea and about thirty percent in the US and Sweden

 

コメント

 

内容のほぼすべてがわかります。最後の文の内容がすこし曖昧です。

 

1.       such as ~は例を引く時に使います。ここでは五カ国全部が書いて有るので例にはなりません。

 

2.       三分の一、0.33などが a rate です。ここは a percentageです。

 

3.       投稿のままですと、文の主語はThe rateですが、これは実はThe Japanese percentageですから、文の後半とつながりません。二つの文にするとよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

The Japanese Cabinet Office has asked young people about their own country’s problems in five countries, Japan, the US, Germany, Sweden, and South Korea. Sixty five percent of Japanese young people identified difficulty in getting a job and the high unemployment rate as their country’s most serious problems. This percentage was the second highest after  Germany (seventy one percent). The percentage was fifty five percent in South Korea and about thirty percent in the US and Sweden

 

 

読者からの投稿 9(かい、2 March 11

 

According to the Cabinet Office questionnaire about their domestic problem targeted for youngsters of 5 countries which are Japan, United States, Germany, Sweden, and South Korea, it shows 65% of Japanese youngster's having the thought that getting a job is hard and there are a lot of the unemployed . The rate of this thought was the second highest after Germany(71%) and South Korea(55%), United States and Sweden (30% level) respectively.

 

添削

 

According to a survey conducted by the Cabinet Office questionnaire about most important their domestic problems targeted for youngsters in of 5 five1 countries, which are were Japan, United States, Germany, Sweden, and South Korea, it shows2 65% of Japanese youngster's having the thought that getting a job was3 is hard and there were are a lot of the unemployed people. Theis percentage rate for these problems of this thought was the second highest after Germany (71%). The percentages4 for other countries and  were South Korea (55%), and United States and Sweden (30% level) respectively.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の概略はわかりますが、わかりにくいところがあります。

 

1.       小さな数字(たとえば一桁の数字)はアルファベット表記のほうが文に馴染みます。

 

2.       According to a survey ~と始めた文の続きなので、its showsは要りません。

 

3.       調査は過去のものなので、この時間に合わせて過去形にします(動詞の時制の一致)。

 

4.       ここから新しい文にします。投稿のままではGermany以下がうまくつながりません。

 

添削後の文章

 

According to a survey conducted by the Cabinet Office about most important domestic problems for youngsters in five countries, which were Japan, United States, Germany, Sweden, and South Korea, 65% of Japanese youngsters thought that getting a job was  hard and there were a lot of unemployed people. This percentage for these problems was the second highest after Germany (71%). The percentages for other countries were South Korea (55%), and United States and Sweden (30% ) respectively.

 

 

読者からの投稿 8(mxtomi, 19 December 09

 

The Cabinet Office has conducted an international survey on what young people of selected five countries think is the most critical issue in their respective countries. Sixty-five percent of Japanese respondents cited a difficulty finding employment and rising unemployment as their prime concerns. Japan’s ratio of people citing such employment problems is the second highest after Germany’s 71% and followed by Korea’s 55%. The ratio remained at 30% level in both the US and Sweden.

 

添削

 

The Cabinet Office has conducted an international survey on what young people of selected five countries think is the most critical issue in their respective countries. Sixty-five percent of Japanese respondents cited a difficulty in finding employment and rising unemployment as their prime concerns. For this issue, the Japanese percentage1 was Japan’s ratio of people citing such employment problems is the second highest after Germany’s 71% and was followed by Korea’s 55%. The percentage was low ratio remained between at 30 and 40% level in both the US and Sweden.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       The ratio of bad to good apples was 1 to 10. というようにa ratioを使います。per centはもともとははout of one hundredの意味ですから、広義にはa ratioですが、一般的にはa ratioとは言いません。

 

添削後の文章

 

The Cabinet Office has conducted an international survey on what young people of selected five countries think is the most critical issue in their respective countries. Sixty-five percent of Japanese respondents cited difficulty in finding employment and rising unemployment as their prime concerns. For this issue, the Japanese percentage was the second highest after Germany’s 71% and was followed by Korea’s 55%. The percentage was low between 30 and 40% in both the US and Sweden.

 

 

読者からの投稿 7(kk, 8 July 08

 

The Cabinet Office surveyed the problems about their own nations with the youth in Japan, the US, Germany, Sweden, and South Korea. Sixty-five percent of Japanese youth pointed out the difficulty of landing jobs and the high unemployment rate as their most concerned problem. On this problem, the percentage of each country's youth goes as follows : 71% in Germany next to Japan, 55 % in South Korea, 30% something in each of the US and Sweden.

 

添削

 

The Cabinet Office surveyed the problems about their own nations with1 the youth in Japan, the US, Germany, Sweden, and South Korea about the most pressing problem they faced in their country. Sixty-five percent of the Japanese youth in Japan pointed out the difficulty of in landing a jobs and the high unemployment rate as their most concerned problem. In the other countries, On this problem was pointed out as the most pressing problem by2 , the following percentage of each country's the youth goes as follows : 71% in Germany next to Japan, 55 % in South Korea, between 30 and 40 % something in each of in the US and Sweden.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容のほぼ総てがわかりますが、On this problem, the percentage of each country's youth goes as followsという表現がわかり難いです。

 

1.       surveyed problems that the youth in Japan thought the most pressing for them in their countryかまたは添削のような形になります。

 

2.       「この回答の割合はドイツ(71%)の次に高かった。韓国は55%、米国とスウェーデンは30%台だった。」はけっこう難しいですね。「この回答」がどのようか回答か、先ずは解釈する必要があります。「あなたの国で若者が直面する最大の問題は何ですか?」というような質問だったのでしょう。答えをまとめると「就職が難しく、失業も多い」が一番の問題だ、という答えが上のようなパーセントであった、ということでしょう。

 

このように考えると英文表現は「この回答の割合は」を説明する必要があります。The youth in the other countries also answered this as their most pressing problem. The percentages were 71% in Germany, ~.というような表現もできるでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

The Cabinet Office surveyed the youth in Japan, the US, Germany, Sweden, and South Korea about the most pressing problem they faced in their country. Sixty-five percent of the youth in Japan pointed out the difficulty in landing a job and the high unemployment rate as their most concerned problem. In the other countries, this problem was pointed out as the most pressing problem by the following percentage of the youth: 71% in Germany, 55 % in South Korea, between 30 and 40 % in the US and Sweden.

 

 

読者からの投稿 6(dunkel, 21 June 08

 

The Cabinet Office conducted on the survey of young generations' view about major problems of their countries. They asked young generations from five nations such as Japan, the United States, Germany, Sweden and South Korea. Sixty five percent of Japanese young generations answered that it was difficult to get a job and many people remained unemployed. The percentage was second largest one next to German(71%). Fifty five percent of Korean answered the same and only between thirty and fourty percent of American and Swedish also replied the same.

 

添削

 

The Cabinet Office conducted a on the survey of young generations' views about the most pressing major problems for them in of their countries, . They asked young generations from five nations such as Japan, the United States, Germany, Sweden and South Korea. Sixty five percent of Japanese young generations answered that it was difficult for young people to get a job and many of them people remained unemployed. The percentage of people who identified this as the most pressing problem was second highest in Japan among those five countries, largest one next to German (71%). Fifty five percent of Korean answered the same and only between thirty and fourty forty percent of American and Swedish young people also identified replied the same problem.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容のほぼ総てがわかりますが、「自国の問題点」を「青年にとって一番の問題点」とするとパーセントの意味がはっきりします。

 

添削後の文章

 

The Cabinet Office conducted a survey of young generations' views about the most pressing  problem for them in their countries, Japan, the United States, Germany, Sweden and South Korea. Sixty five percent of Japanese young generations answered that it was difficult for young people to get a job and many of them remained unemployed. The percentage of people who identified this as the most pressing problem was second highest in Japan among those five countries, next to German (71%). Fifty five percent of Korean answered the same and only between thirty and forty percent of American and Swedish young people identified the same problem.

 

 

読者からの投稿 5(岩ちゃん、19 July 07

 

The Cabinet Office asked the problem with their country for youths in five countries including Japan, America, Germany, Sweden and Korea. Sixty five % of youths in Japan gave difficult employment and chronic unemployment. This answer had a high percentage next to Germany. Its rate occupied 71% in Germany, 55% in Korea and the level of 30% in America and Sweden.

 

添削

 

The Cabinet Office asked the problem with their country for youths1 in five countries including Japan, America the United States, Germany, Sweden and South Korea what the youths though was the most serious problem in their country2. Sixty five % percent of the youths in Japan gave pointed out difficult employment and chronic unemployment. This answer had a high percentage in the other countries as well3: next to Germany. Its rate occupied 71% in Germany, 55% in South Korea, and the level of 30% in America the United States and Sweden.

 

コメント

 

1.       ask them a questionという形のほうがasked a question of themという形よりわかりやすくなります。

 

2.       いろいろな答えがあったのでしょうが、この問題では答えは一つしか挙げられていないので、the most serious problem in their country とすると、次の文とのつながりがよくなります。

 

3.       パーセントの答えが並列構造で記述出来るように、このような文にするとよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

The Cabinet Office asked youths in five countries including Japan, the United States, Germany, Sweden and South Korea what the youths though was the most serious problem in their country. Sixty five percent of the youths in Japan pointed out employment and chronic unemployment. This answer had a high percentage in the other countries as well:  71% in Germany, 55% in South Korea, and 30% in the United States and Sweden.

 

 

読者からの投稿 4(散歩人、28 June 07

 

Sixty five percent of Japanese young people pointed out that it was difficult to get a job and it was tendency to become unemployment, when the Cabinet Office of Japan ask young people living in Japan, the United States, Germany, Sweden and Korea the problem of their home country. The percentage of pointing out those problem in Japan is the 2nd highest between these countries. The highest percentage was seventy one percent in Germany. The third highest percentage (55%) of such a problem was in Korea, and in the United States and in Sweden this percentage was about 30%.

 

添削

 

Sixty five percent of Japanese young people pointed out that it was difficult to get a job and the unemployment rate it was high tendency to become unemployment, when the Cabinet Office of Japan asked young people living in Japan, the United States, Germany, Sweden and Korea to identify the most urgent problems they faced1 of their home country. The percentage of young people pointing out those problems as the most urgent was in Japan is the 2nd highest between these countries. The highest percentage was 71% seventy one percent in Germany., 55% The third highest percentage (55%) of such a problem was in Korea, and between 30 and 40% in the United States and in Sweden this percentage was about 30%2.

 

コメント

 

1.       I ask you a question about the most urgent problem you face now. I ask you to point out the most urgent question you face now.という形になります。

 

2.       数字と国名がたくさん出てくるので、わかりやすく整理することが大切です。「この回答の割合はドイツ(71%)の次に高かった」は省略して、添削のようにパーセントと国名を一対にして並べるとわかりやすいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

Sixty five percent of Japanese young people pointed out that it was difficult to get a job and the unemployment rate was high, when the Cabinet Office of Japan asked young people living in Japan, the United States, Germany, Sweden and Korea to identify the most urgent problems they faced. The percentage of young people pointing out those problems as the most urgent was 71% in Germany, 55% in Korea, and between 30 and 40% in the United States and Sweden.

 

 

読者からの投稿 3(KAPPA2006, 8 September 06

 

The Cabinet office has made an interview on their own problems to the youths of five countries from Japan, America, Germany, Sweden and Korea. 65 % of the Japanese youths pointed out that getting a job are difficult and unemployment is so much in the country. This rate of the same answer was the second highest to that of Germany (71%). Korea was 55%. America and Sweden were 30 % respectively.

 

添削

 

The Cabinet oOffice asked1 has made an interview on their own problems to the youths of in five countries, from Japan, America the United States, Germany, Sweden and South Korea about the most important issue facing the youth in their country2. 65 % Sixty-five percent3 of the Japanese youths pointed out that getting a job are was difficult and unemployment is was high among young people so much in the country. ThisThe rate percentage of the this same answer was the second highest in Japan among these five countries4 next to that of Germany (71%). The percentage Korea was 55% in South Korea and . America and Sweden were 30 % in both the Unites States and Sweden respectively5.

 

コメント

 

1.       interviewというと面接ですが(電話で質問するtelephone interviewというのもあります)、ここでは多分アンケート調査を行ったのでしょう。

 

2.       「自国の問題点を尋ねた」は「あななの国で青年が直面する問題で重要なものは何ですか?」というような質問だったのでしょう。添削のように説明するとわかりやすくなります。their own problems (あなたの個人的な問題は何ですか?)でも結局は同じことになりますが、添削の方が文章の背景がはっきりするでしょう。自分でこのような内容の英文を書くときには、このようなことに注意するでしょうが、練習問題の内容を英文で表現するときには見過ごします。日本文の内容を自分の言葉で言いなおしてから英文で表現するといいでしょう。

 

3.       65% of Japanese youths pointed out ~と数字で文を始めると、ここが文の始まりだとわかり難いので、Sixty-five percent of Japanese youthsと始めるとよいでしょう。

 

4.       このような補足説明をいれるとわかりやすいでしょう。

 

5.       The percentage was 27% and 30% in the United States and Germany respectively.というようにrespectivelyを使います。The percentage was 27% in Germany and 30% in the United States.というほうがわかりやすくなります。練習問題では米国とスウェーデンの両方で同じ30パーセントなのでrespectivelyは使いません。

 

添削後の文章

 

The Cabinet Office asked the youth in five countries, Japan, the United States, Germany, Sweden and South Korea about the most important issue facing the youth in their country.  Sixty-five percent of Japanese youths pointed out that getting a job was difficult and unemployment was high among young people. The percentage of this answer was the second highest in Japan among these five countries next to that of Germany (71%). The percentage was 55% in South Korea and 30 % in both the Unites States and Sweden.

 

 

読者からの投稿 2(マウント60、12 November 04

 

The Cabinet Office asked young people of five countries: Japan, the US, Germany, Sweden and Korea what they thought was wrong with their own country. Sixty-five percent of Japanese youths replied that it was difficult to get employed and many people were out of a job. The percentage of this answer was the highest but Germany (seventy-one percent).  Fifty-five percent of Korean youngsters and thirty to forty percent of the US and Sweden counterparts gave the same answer. 

 

添削

 

The Cabinet Office asked young people of in five countries: -1Japan, the US, Germany, Sweden and South Korea - what they thought was wrong with their own country. Sixty-five percent of Japanese youths replied placed tough job markets and high unemployment at the top of the current problems2 that it was difficult to get employed and many people were out of a job. The percentage of those who placed the same problem at the top of their lists was seventy-one percent in this answer was the highest but Germany, (seventy-one percent).,  Ffifty-five percent of in South Korean, and youngsters and thirty to forty percent of in the US and Sweden. counterparts gave the same answer3. 

 

コメント

 

1.       コロンで文を切ると、コロンの後にでてくるwhat they thought was ~がコロンの前の文から分離してしまいます。ここでは – Japan, the US, ~ -として国名を挿入するのが良いでしょう。

 

2.       日本文の内容がはっきりしないのですが、もし内閣府の質問が複数回答を求めていて、例えば一番の問題点はこれこれ、二番の問題点はこれこれ、という回答であれば、添削のようにするとわかりやすくなります。もし、一番の問題点はなにか、と一つだけ回答を求めるものであれば、つぎのように書き換えます。

 

The Cabinet Office asked young people in five countries - ~ - what they thought was the largest current problem for them in their country. Sixty-five percent of Japanese youths replied tough job markets and high unemployment as the largest current problem. The percentage of those who gave the same answer was ~.

 

3.       ここは並列構造を使って表現し、「日本はドイツの次に高い」ということはパーセントを見ればわかるので省略すると、すっきりします。

 

添削後の文章

 

The Cabinet Office asked young people in five countries - Japan, the US, Germany, Sweden and South Korea - what they thought was wrong with their own country. Sixty-five percent of Japanese youths placed tough job markets and high unemployment at the top of the current problems. The percentage of those who placed the same problem at the top of their lists was seventy-one percent in Germany, fifty-five percent in South Korean, and thirty to forty percent in the US and Sweden.  

 

 

読者からの投稿 1(まま、4 March 04

 

The Cabinet Office conducted a survey of youths in Japan, the United States, Germany, Sweden and South Korea regarding what the youths thought were most urgent problems for them in their own country. Sixty-five percent of Japanese youths pointed out the difficulty in securing a job and a high unemployment as their most urgent problems. In Germany, seventy-one percent answered that these problems were the most urgent; in South Korea, fifty-five percent, and both in the United States and Sweden, between thirty and forty percent.

 

添削

 

The Cabinet Office conducted a survey of youths in Japan, the United States, Germany, Sweden and South Korea regarding what the youths thought were the most urgent problems for them in their own countryies1. Sixty-five percent of Japanese youths pointed out the difficultyies in securing a job and a2 high unemployment as their most urgent problems. In Germany, seventy-one percent answered that these problems were the most urgent; in South Korea, the amount was3 fifty-five percent, and both in both4 the United States and Sweden, it was between thirty and forty percent.

 

コメント

 

「あなたがもっとも大切と考えているもの」what you think is the most important thing for you. 「それは日本人が常識と思っているものだ」It is what Japanese people think is common sense. などいろいろと応用のある表現法ですね。

 

「失業」は抽象名詞なので通常、冠詞はつきません。「失業率」は数えられるのでa high unemployment rateのように冠詞がつきます。

 

並列構造ですが、省略せずに添削のようにしたほうが読者にわかりやすくなります。

 

Bothは使用例の多い単語です。both A and Bのように使用するときは、The plan must be approved by both the company and the labour union.のような位置に来るので注意してください。

 

添削後の文章

 

The Cabinet Office conducted a survey of youths in Japan, the United States, Germany, Sweden and South Korea regarding what the youths thought were the most urgent problems for them in their own countries. Sixty-five percent of Japanese youths pointed out the difficulties in securing a job and high unemployment as their most urgent problems. In Germany, seventy-one percent answered that these problems were the most urgent; in South Korea, the amount was fifty-five percent, and in both4 the United States and Sweden, it was between thirty and forty percent.

 

初級問題 137

 

新入社員の採用を減らす企業が多いなかで、10代と20代の若手社員の仕事が質量ともに増え、精神的負担も重くのしかかっているとの認識が企業や労働組合にあることが、厚労省の調査でわかった。

 

読者からの投稿 10(BURU, 10 December 15

 

According to the Ministry of Health, Labor and Welfare, private companies and their unions recognized their employee’s working condition getting worse. Especially, among the young generation both 10’s and 20’s have many stressful works. Because many companies are curbing their recruitment now, so the volume of work and the requirement of the quality are pressured for them.

 

添削

 

According to a survey by the Ministry of Health, Labor and Welfare, private companies and their unions recognized were aware1 that their employee’s working conditions were2 getting worse. Especially, among the young employees in their generation both teens10’s and 20’s had have many stressful works. This3 was Bbecause many companies were are curbing their  recruitment now and, so the volume of work and the requirement of its the quality are increasing pressured on for them.

 

コメント

 

内容のすべてがわかります。

 

1.       recognizedとすると、ある時点で認識した、という意味が強くなります。Were aware とすると、ずっとこのような状態に気づいている、となります。ここでは後者のほうがよいでしょう。

 

2.       動詞の時制の一致で過去形になります。

 

3.       前の文章の内容の説明にしたほうがよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

According to a survey by the Ministry of Health, Labor and Welfare, private companies and their unions were aware that their employee’s working conditions were getting worse. Especially, among the young employees in their teens and 20’s had many stressful works. This was because many companies were curbing their recruitment now and the volume of work and the requirement of its quality are increasing pressure on them.

 

 

読者からの投稿 9(かい、2 March 11

 

A survey by the Ministry of Health, Labour and Welfare has showed that enterprises and labour unions have an serious knowledge. The knowledge is that the work of youngster employees in the 10s and 20s is increasing in both the quality and quantity under the circumstance that many companies reduce the recruitment of new employees.

 

添削

 

A survey by the Ministry of Health, Labour and Welfare has showedn that both companies enterprises and labour unions are concerned1 have an serious knowledge. The knowledge is that the work of youngster employees in their teens10s and 20s is increasing in both the2 quality and quantity under the circumstance that many companies are reduceing the recruitment of new employees.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       I am concerned that ~ 「〜ということを心配している」という表現を使うと簡単になります。

 

2.       in quantity and qualityという常套句なので定冠詞は要りません。

 

添削後の文章

 

A survey by the Ministry of Health, Labour and Welfare has shown that both companies  and labour unions are concerned that work of young employees in their teens and 20s is increasing in both quality and quantity under the circumstance that many companies are reducing the recruitment of new employees.

 

読者からの投稿 8(mxtomi, 19 December 09

 

With more and more companies cutting back their new recruits, young employees in their teens and 20’s are plagued with an emotional strain arising from increasing work load in terms of both quality and quantity. This is a common recognition shared by both enterprises and labor unions revealed in a recent survey by the Ministry of Health, Labor and Welfare.

 

添削

 

With more and more companies cutting back their new recruits, young employees in their teens and 20’s are plagued with an emotional strain arising from an increasing work load in terms of both quality and quantity. This is a common recognition shared by both enterprises the management and labor unions revealed in a recent survey by the Ministry of Health, Labor and Welfare.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。わかりやすい文章です。

 

添削後の文章

 

With more and more companies cutting back their new recruits, young employees in their teens and 20’s are plagued with an emotional strain arising from an increasing work load in terms of both quality and quantity. This is a common recognition shared by both the management and labor unions revealed in a recent survey by the Ministry of Health, Labor and Welfare.

 

 

読者からの投稿 7(kk, 10 July 08

 

Companies and labor unions recognize that young employees in their teens and twenties have been suffering from mental stress due to increasing workload in quality and quantity, while many companies have reduced the number of new employees --  a survey by the Ministry of Health, Labor and Welfare announced this finding.

 

添削

 

Both Ccompanies and labor unions recognize that young employees in their teens and twenties are under1 have been suffering from mental stress due to an increasing amount of workload in quality and quantity, as while many companies have been reduceding the number of new employees.2 -- This has been revealed in a survey by the Ministry of Health, Labor and Welfare announced this finding.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       they are suffering mental stress, they are under mental stressという表現になります。

 

2.       日本文の要点は「10代と20代の若手社員の精神的負担が大きい。」ということで、このことの直接的な原因(仕事の質と量の増加)と間接的な原因(企業が新入社員の採用を減らしている)が記述してあります。kkさんの英文は要点を先ず書いてあるので文章全体の内容を把握しやすいですね。直接原因は同一の文に入っていたほうがわかりやすいでしょう。間接原因(as以下)は独立の文にして文章の始めに置くことも出来ますが、kkさんの文章構成のほうがよいとおもいます。最後の部分は文が長くなりすぎるので添削のように独立させたほうがよいとおもいます。

 

この添削講座の問題は新聞記事を利用したものがたくさんあります。新聞記事はプレイン・ジャパニーズのプロの新聞記者が書いたものですから、短い文にいろいろな情報がわかりやすく詰まっています。このような日本を英文で表現するには小文分解が必須だというのが、この添削講座の眼目です。しかし小文分解といっても小文の長さはいろいろあります。どの程度の小文にしたら読者に読みやすいでしょうか。これには一般的な答えはありません。プレイン・イングリッシュノ傾向として一つの文の長さが短くなってきているようです。

 

短文のほうが長文より構成がやさしいので書きやすいですが、長文を書く自信が出来たら次のようなことを考えてみるとよいでしょう。(1)長文は因果関係を詳しく記述する可能性があるが短文より構成が難しい。構成が曖昧になると内容がわからなく危険が短文より大きい、(2)短文は構成はやさしいが、因果関係の説明をするのために短文の順序、短文と短文の関係に長文より注意が必要である。

 

添削後の文章

 

Both companies and labor unions recognize that young employees in their teens and twenties are under mental stress due to an increasing amount of workload in quality and quantity as many companies have been reducing the number of new employees. This has been revealed in a survey by the Ministry of Health, Labor and Welfare.

 

 

読者からの投稿 6(dunkel, 24 June 08

 

A survey by the Ministry of Health, Labour and Welfare showed us that both companies and labor unions recognized the increasing amount of work in terms of both quality and quantity for young employees in their 10's and 20's. Both companies and labor unions also worried about the psychological burden for them. This was because many companies reduced new recruits in these days.

 

添削

 

A survey by the Ministry of Health, Labour and Welfare showed us that both companies and labor unions recognized the increasing amount of work in terms of both quality and quantity for young employees in their 10's and 20's. Both companies and labor unions also worried about the psychological burden for on them. This was because many companies reduced new recruits in these days years1.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。 調査結果を二つの文に分けて表現してあるのでわかりやすいですね。

 

1.       ここ数年という意味でin these yearsがよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

A survey by the Ministry of Health, Labour and Welfare showed us that both companies and labor unions recognized the increasing amount of work in terms of both quality and quantity for young employees in their 10's and 20's. Both companies and labor unions also worried about the psychological burden on them. This was because many companies reduced new recruits in these years.

 

 

読者からの投稿 5(岩ちゃん、20 July 07

 

According to the survey by the Health, Labour and Welfare Ministry, many companies are decreasing the recruitment of new employees, on the other hand companies and labor unions have recognized that as employees work in their teens and twenties are increasing in volume and quality, it gives heavy burden to them mentally.

 

添削

 

According to the a survey by the Ministry1 of Health, Labour and Welfare Ministry, many companies are decreasing a number of the recruitment of new employees., As a result2, on the other hand companies and labor unions have recognized, that as employees work given to employees in their teens and twenties are is increasing in both volume and quality, placing them under a great amount of stress it gives heavy burden to them mentally.

 

コメント

 

1.       長い名称なのでthe Ministry of ~ という形にしたほうがわかりやすくなります。

 

2.       日本文の内容の因果関係をはっきりと英文で表現することが大切です。新人採用の減少、若い社員の仕事の増加、ストレスとなりますね。As a resultwork given to ~ 以下に懸かるので、companies and labour unions ~ を挿入節にしました。

 

添削後の文章

 

According to a survey by the Ministry of Health, Labour and Welfare, many companies are decreasing a number of new employees. As a result, companies and labor unions recognize,  work given to employees in their teens and twenties is increasing in both volume and quality, placing them under a great amount of stress .

 

 

読者からの投稿 4(散歩人、29 June 07

 

A survey by the Health, Labour and Welfare Ministry has revealed that many companies and labor unions understand many younger employees in their 10's and 20's bear a heavy psychological burden by increasing their jobs quantitatively and qualitatively because many companies have reduced the number of new recruits.

 

添削

 

A survey by the Health, Labour and Welfare Ministry has revealed that both management and labour1 many companies and labor unions recognize understand that many younger employees in their 10's teens and 20's bear a heavy psychological burden. This is because2 they are forced to by increasinge their work3 jobs quantitatively and qualitatively while because many companies are have reduceding the number of new recruits they hire.

 

コメント

 

1.       「企業や労働組合」の企業は経営者のことなので、management and labourとするとよいでしょう。

 

2.       文が長いので、ここからThis is because ~とすると、前の文との因果関係がはっきりします。

 

3.       jobworkも「仕事」ですが、a jobは「あることをするという内容をもつ仕事」、workは「労働、作業」というように働くこと一般を指す抽象的な「仕事」です。ここではworkがよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

A survey by the Health, Labour and Welfare Ministry has revealed that both management and labour recognize that many young employees in their teens and 20's bear a heavy psychological burden. This is because they are forced to increase their work quantitatively and qualitatively while many companies are reducing the number of new recruits they hire.

 

 

読者からの投稿 3(KAPPA2006, 8 September 06

 

While many companies are reducing the number of new employees, both the management and the labor unions think that the work of young employees in their teens and twenties are becoming heavy in quality and quality and it gives them heavy mental load; the survey of Ministry of Health, Labor add Welfare reported.

 

添削

 

While many companies are reducing the number of new employees, both the management and the labor unions think recognize that the work load of young employees in their teens and twenties are is increasing becoming heavyier and heavier1 in both quality quantity and quality. and itThe situation2 gives them the young employees a heavy mental pressure load; . This is a finding from the survey of by the Ministry of Health, Labor add and Welfare reported3.

 

コメント

 

1.       「仕事が質量ともに増え」とあるので、従来にも増して、という意味でis increasing heavier and heavierがよいでしょう。

 

2.       前の文が長いのでitが何を指すか曖昧になります。ここから新しい文にしてThis situation gives ~とするとよいでしょう。

 

3.       A survey by the Ministry of Health, Labour and Welfare found that:

while many ~  ; and

the situation gives ~.

 

という形式にも出来ますが、この調査のことを文章の最後の置くときは添削のようにすると前の文との関連がよくなります。

 

添削後の文章

 

While many companies are reducing the number of new employees, both the management and the labor unions recognize that the work load of young employees in their teens and twenties is increasing heavier and heavier in both quantity and quality. The situation gives the young employees a heavy mental pressure. This is a finding from the survey by the Ministry of Health, Labor and Welfare.

 

 

読者からの投稿 2(マウント60、16 November 04

 

Since a lot of companies tend to cut the number of new recruits, young workers in their teens and twenties now have more work than before in terms of quality and quantity. There is a recognition among companies and labor unions that young workers feel a heavy psychological burden because of the change. This is the result of a survey done by the Ministry of Health, Labor and Welfare.

 

添削

 

Since a lot of companies tend to cut are reducing1 the number of new recruits, young workers in their teens and twenties now have to take more work responsibilities2 than before in terms of both quality and quantity. There is a recognition among companies and labor unions that young workers feel a heavy psychological burden because of the change. This is the result of a survey done by the Ministry of Health, Labor and Welfare.

 

コメント

 

1.       直裁にare reducing としたほうが内容がはっきりします。

 

2.       添削のようにすると、新人採用が減ったので仕事が増えた、という因果関係がはっきりします。

 

添削後の文章

 

Since a lot of companies are reducing the number of new recruits, young workers in their teens and twenties now have to take more responsibilities than before in terms of both quality and quantity. There is a recognition among companies and labor unions that young workers feel a heavy psychological burden because of the change. This is the result of a survey done by the Ministry of Health, Labor and Welfare.

 

 

読者からの投稿 1 (Knight, 31 March 04)

 

According to the research of the Health, Labor and Welfare Ministry, corporations and labor unions are aware that the work of the junior staff in their teens and twenties increase in quality and quantity, and mental burdens are bearing heavily on them in the situation that many corporations curb the employment of new personnel.

 

添削

 

According to the a recent survey1 research of by the Health, Labor and Welfare Ministry, both corporate management2 corporations and labor unions are aware that the amount of work of for the junior staff members in their teens and twenties increase are increasing in quality and quantity., and As a result3, mental burdens are an increasing amount of stress4 is bearing heavily on them in the situation that while many corporations curb the employment recruitment of new personnel.

 

コメント

 

Knightさんは「〜の認識がある」を are aware of ~と表現するなど、個々の表現をよく工夫しています。日本文はいろいろな内容が一つの文の中に押し込めてありますが、英文で表現するときには内容を分解して、複数の文で表現したほうが簡単でわかりやすくなります。

 

1.       「調査」は日本の新聞記事に良く使われますが、researchよりsurveyのほうが適当な場合が多いです。

 

2.       「企業と労働組合」はmanagement and labourと表現することが一般的です。

 

3.       ここで文を切ったほうが簡単になります。

 

4.       Mental burdenよりstressのほうが一般的です。

 

次の文章は私の英文です。日本文の内容の順序を変えてみました。日本文には内容の因果関係が曖昧なものがあります。このような時は、自分の考えで一番妥当な因果関係を決めてから英文で表現します(もし、日本文を書いた人の意図と違っていたら、曖昧な日本文を書いた人が悪い、というくらいの気持ちでよいです。)

 

Both company management and labour recognize that young employees in their teens and 20s are under an increasing amount of stress. This is because they are assuming more work and responsibilities while a large number of companies are reducing the number of young recruits hired. This was the finding of a survey recently completed by the Ministry of Health and Welfare.

 

添削後の文章

 

According to a recent survey by the Health, Labor and Welfare Ministry, both corporate management and labor unions are aware that the amount of work for junior staff members in their teens and twenties are increasing in quality and quantity. As a result, an increasing amount of stress is bearing heavily on them while many corporations curb the recruitment of new personnel.

 

 

初級問題 138

 

JR東日本水戸支社は今年1月から、すべての列車の運転士にカメラ付き携帯電話を配備した。事故などの緊急時に、現場の詳しい状況を画像でいち早く伝え、復旧を早めることができると期待している。

 

読者からの投稿 10(BURU, 10 December 15

 

The Mito branch of JR East will provide the cell phone with camera for all train operators in this January. The purpose is that the train operators can send photo from the site of accident and report the detail immediately if an emergency case happens. At the same time, JR East expects that they can finish the reinstatement work faster.

 

添削

 

The Mito branch of JR East will provide the a cell phone with a camera to for all of its train operators in this January. The purpose is that the train operators can send photos from the site of an accident and report the its details immediately if an emergency case happens. At the same time, JR East expects that this1 they can make finish the reinstatement restoration work faster.

 

コメント

 

内容のすべてがわかります。

 

1.       カメラ付き携帯電話の配備を主語にします。

 

添削後の文章

 

The Mito branch of JR East will provide a cell phone with a camera to r all of its train operators this January. The purpose is that the train operators can send photos from the site of an accident and report its details immediately if an emergency case happens. At the same time, JR East expects that this can make the restoration work faster.

 

 

読者からの投稿 9(かい、4 March 11

 

JR East Mito branch distributed mobile phones containing a camera to all train drivers in this January. The company anticipates the acceleration of an recovery by the high-speed transmission that carries the captured image of a real and detailed situation quickly in case of an emergency such as a trouble.

 

添削

 

The JR East Mito bBranch Office distributed a mobile phones with containing a built-in camera to all train drivers in this January. The company expects1 that2 the mobile phone can help anticipates the acceleration of an a faster recovery of train services from an accident such as a derailment by the high-speed transmission that of carries the captured real-time images from the scene of an accident of a real and detailed situation quickly in case of an emergency such as a trouble.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の概略はわかりますが、文章の後半の内容がはっきりしません。

 

1.       anticipateは「(高い確率で)予期する」です。expectは「〜するだろうと期待する」です。上の状況ではまだexpectでしょう。

 

2.       いろいろな情報が入っているのでthat節で文を作って内容を説明した方がよいです。節の主語をthe mobile phoneにすると、文章の前半とのつながりがよくなります。

 

添削後の文章

 

The JR East Mito Branch Office distributed a mobile phone with a built-in camera to all train drivers this January. The company expects that the mobile phone can help a faster recovery of train services from an accident such as a derailment by the high-speed transmission of  real-time images from the scene of an accident .

 

 

読者からの投稿 8(19 December 09

 

The Mito office of JR East completed providing all of its train drivers with a camera cell-phone in January this year. The company expects that this arrangement will greatly help it better cope with an emergency. The image on the display of the phone allows its people to quickly and accurately understand what’s going on in the accident site, thereby enabling quick restoration work.

 

添削

 

The Mito office of JR East completed providing all of its train drivers with a camera cell-phone with a built-in camera in January this year. Now Tthe company hopes expects that this arrangement will greatly help them it better cope with an emergency. The train conductor can send images of an accident quickly to the headquarters and The image on the display of the phone allows the headquarters  its people to quickly and accurately understand what’s going on at in the accident site and quickly start , thereby enabling quick restoration work.

 

コメント

 

 

添削後の文章

 

英文の内容の大部分はわかりますが、「現場の詳しい状況を画像でいち早く伝え」のところは添削のように説明するとよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

The Mito office of JR East completed providing all of its train drivers with a cell-phone with a built-in camera in January this year. Now the company hopes that this arrangement will  help them better cope with an emergency. The train conductor can send images of an accident quickly to the headquarters and allow the headquarters quickly and accurately understand what’s going on at the accident site and quickly start restoration work.

 

 

読者からの投稿 7(kk, 12 July 08

 

The Mito Branch office of JR East has started providing mobile phones with a built-in camera for all their train drivers this January. They expect that this measure will help to expedite their recovery work by receiving the detailed images of an accident scene immediately from the train driver in case of emergencies.

 

添削

 

The Mito Branch office of JR East has started providing a mobile phones with a built-in camera for to all its their train drivers this January. They expect that this measure will help to expedite their the process of restoring their services in case of emergencies2 recovery work by receiving the detailed images of the an accident scene immediately from the train driver in case of emergencies.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       「復旧」の内容が日本文ではっきりしないのでthe process of restoring their servicesと一般的に表現しました。in case of emergenciesはここに入れたほうがよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

The Mito Branch of JR East has started providing a mobile phone with a built-in camera to all its  train drivers this January. They expect that this measure will help to expedite the process of restoring their services in case of emergencies by receiving detailed images of the scene immediately from the train driver .

 

 

読者からの投稿 6(dunkel, 25 June 08

 

Mito branch office of the East Japan Railway Company (JR East) has passed out cell phones with camera to all drivers from this January. When they hit upon the accidents, they could promptly send the situation with pictures by the cell phones and these information would shorten the recovery period.

 

添削

 

The Mito branch office of the East Japan Railway Company (JR East) has passed out a cell phones1 with a camera to all its train drivers from this January. In case of emergency such as a train accident When they hit upon the accidents, the train driver2 can3 they could promptly send information on the situation with pictures by the cell phones and these imformation would shorten the time required to recovery period from the accident.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       pass out a cell phone to all of themで皆に一つずつ携帯電話を渡した、ことがわかります。もし正確を期すならば、pass out a cell phone to each one of themとなります。

 

2.       一人の運転手の例のほうがわかりやすいでしょう。

 

3.       実際に起きる可能性の高いことですから、canがよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

The Mito branch office of the East Japan Railway Company (JR East) has passed out a cell phone with a camera to all its train drivers this January. In case of emergency such as a train accident, the train driver can promptly send information on the situation with pictures by the cell phone and shorten the time required to recover from the accident.

 

 

読者からの投稿 5(岩ちゃん、20 July 07

 

The Mito branch in JR East gave a mobile phone with built-in camera to all train drivers from this January. The branch hopes that in case of emergency such as accidents, the drivers can send pictures of detail conditions in accident sites to the branch as soon as possible and this will be able to speed up the repair of accident sites.

 

添削

 

The Mito branch in of JR East started giving1 gave a mobile phone with a built-in camera to all train drivers from this January. The branch hopes that in case of emergency such as an accidents, the a train drivers2 can send pictures of detail the conditions in of the accident sites to the branch as soon as possible and this will be enable3 the branch to speed up the process of repairing of the accident sites.

 

コメント

 

1.       1月から配備した」ということなので、started giving a mobile phone this January がよいでしょう。1月以降に運転手になった人にも配備、する、という意味が含まれます。

 

2.       単数形で代表するのがよいでしょう。

 

3.       Andの前の内容と続いているので、添削のようにするとよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

The Mito branch of JR East started giving a mobile phone with a built-in camera to all train drivers this January. The branch hopes that in case of emergency such as an accident, a train driver can send pictures of the conditions of the accident site to the branch as soon as possible and will enable the branch to speed up the process of repairing the accident site.

 

 

読者からの投稿 4(散歩人、29 June 07

 

The Mito office of JR East have got all drivers to carry a mobile phone with a camera since this January. The attempt will expect that a situation of a scene will be informed by a photo taken with the mobile phone and will be effective to restore the situation to the previous condition efficiently if an emergency like an accident arises.

 

添削

 

Starting in January this year, Tthe Mito office of JR East have got made all train drivers to carry a mobile phone with containing a digital camera1 since this January. The attempt will They expect that they a situation of a scene will be quickly informed of an railway accident by a photo picture of the accident taken by with the mobile phone and will be effectively take actions to restore the situation to the previous condition efficiently if an emergency like an accident arises2.

 

コメント

 

1.       to carry a mobile phone with a cameraとすると、携帯電話をカメラと一緒に持ち運ぶ、という意味にもとれます。

 

2.       「事故などの緊急時に、現場の詳しい状況を画像でいち早く伝え、復旧を早めることができると期待している。」は省略の多い文なので、小文に分解してみましょう。JR東日本水戸支社を主語にすると、「JR東日本水戸支社は(携帯電話で撮った写真で)事故について直ちに知らされる」、「JR東日本水戸支社は(状況を元にもどす)活動を効果的に取れる」となります。

 

添削後の文章

 

Starting in January this year, the Mito office of JR East made all train drivers to carry a mobile phone containing a digital camera. They expect that they will be quickly informed of an railway accident by a picture of the accident taken by the mobile phone and effectively take actions to restore the situation to the previous condition.

 

 

読者からの投稿 3(KAPPA2006, 9 September 06

 

The Mito Branch of JR East has installed camera-equipped mobile phones in the drivers of all trains since January this year. They expect tat upon emergency like the accident it tells us detailed information of the site with picture images and facilitates in restoration.

 

添削

 

The Mito Branch of JR East Japan has installed given1 a camera-equipped mobile phones to in the drivers2 of all trains since in January this year3. They expect tat that upon in an emergency like the a railway accident it the phone can tells send them4 us detailed information of on the site of the accident with picture images and facilitates in quick restoration.

 

コメント

 

1.       driver運転手は人間なのでinstalled 設置した、ではなくてgave渡した、がよいでしょう。

 

2.       すべての列車は複数なので、運転手も複数、携帯電話も複数、だと思いますが、英文ではa phone to the driver of all trainsと表現します。「すべての列車の(それぞれの)運転手に携帯電話を(一つずつ)」です。

 

3.       「今年一月から」は「今年一月に」の意味ですね。「今年一月から始めてだんだんに」の意味ではないとおもいます。もし、そうなら、JR East Japan starting distributing a phone to the driver of all trains in January this yearとなります。

 

4.       ここは「JR東日本水戸支社の人達」ですから、主語のtheyに合わせてthemとなります。

 

添削後の文章

 

The Mito Branch of JR East Japan has given a camera-equipped mobile phone to the driver of all trains in January this year. They expect that in an emergency like a railway accident the phone can send them detailed information on the site of the accident with picture mages and facilitate quick restoration.

 

 

読者からの投稿 2(マウント60、16 November 04

 

At the Mito Branch of the East Japan Railway Company, all the motormen have been carrying a cellular phone with a camera supplied by the company since January, this year.  For emergencies such as accidents, it is expected that the tool can help expedite restoration by sending detailed pictures of the site immediately.

 

添削

 

At the Mito Branch of the East Japan Railway Company, all the motormen have been carrying a cellular phone with a camera supplied by the company since January, this year. For emergencies such as accidents, it is expected the company hopes1 that the tool can help expedite speed up the restoration process by sending the detailed pictures of an accident2 of from the site immediately.

 

コメント

 

1.       the companyを主語にしたほうが内容がしっかりします。

 

2.       補足説明をいれたほうが内容がはっきりします。

 

添削後の文章

 

At the Mito Branch of the East Japan Railway Company, all the motormen have been carrying a cellular phone with a camera supplied by the company since January this year. For emergencies such as accidents, the company hopes that the tool can help speed up the restoration process by sending the detailed pictures of an accident from the site immediately.

 

 

読者からの投稿 1(Knight, 7 April 04

 

The Mito branch of JR East has made every train driver to carry a camera-equipped mobile phone since January this year. They are expecting that in an emergency case, such as an accident, it will be able to send the state of the scene in detail by images at an early stage and quicken the recovery.

 

添削

 

The Mito bBranch of JR East has made every train driver to carry a camera-equipped mobile phone since January this year. They are expecting that in an the case of emergency1 case, such as an accident, it the mobile phone will be able to send a picture of2 the state of the scene in detail by images at an early stage and help them quickly respond to the accident quicken the recovery3.

 

コメント

 

1.       in the case of emergencyという言い方が一般的です。

 

2.       pictureとすると内容が具体的で簡単になります。

 

3.       「復旧を早める」は、まず事故があり、運転手が現場の状況を写真を含めて水戸支社に伝え、水戸支社が事故に対応した処理を行い、列車の運行が正常に戻る、という流れがあり、この一連の動作を集約して表現したものでしょう。quicken the recoveryでも内容はわかりますが、何か落ちている感じがします。ここではもっと一般的にrespond to the accidentにしました。

 

添削後の文章

 

The Mito Branch of JR East has made every train driver to carry a camera-equipped mobile phone since January this year. They are expecting that in the case of emergency, such as an accident, the mobile phone will be able to send a picture of the scene in detail and help them quickly respond to the accident.

 

 

初級問題 139

 

1月22日に九州北部から南部を縦断した寒気は薩摩地方を中心に雪を降らせた。鹿児島市は最低気温が零下1・5度と今冬一番の冷え込みとなった。南国では慣れない雪に交通機関は大きく乱れ、スリップ事故も相次いだ。

 

読者からの投稿 10(BURU, 17 December 15

 

In January 22, it snowed at Satsuma district in order to run through cold air there from the northern part to the southern part of Kyusyu. It was coldest day of this winter at Kagoshima City. So, the lowest temperature was recorded -1.5 degree on that day. People in the Southern part of Japan were not used to seeing snow, so the public transportation schedules were greatly disrupted and the slipped car accidents also were happened one after another.

 

添削

 

On In January 22, it snowed in the at Satsuma district when the cold air in order to run ran through cold air there from the northern part to the southern part of Kyusyu. It was the coldest day of this winter at Kagoshima City. So, the lowest temperature was recorded – minus1 1.5 degrees Celsius on that day. People in the Ssouthern part of Japan were not used to seeing snow, so the public transportation schedules were greatly disrupted and the slippeding car accidents also were happened one after another.

 

コメント

 

in order to run through cold air there from the northern part to the southern part of Kyusyu の所がわかりませんが、他の部分は内容がわかります。

 

1.       - のサインは小さくて分かり難いので、minusと書くとよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

On January 22, it snowed in the Satsuma district when the cold air ran through from the northern part to the southern part of Kyusyu. It was the coldest day of this winter at Kagoshima City. So, the lowest temperature was recorded minus 1.5 degrees Celsius on that day. People in the southern part of Japan were not used to seeing snow, so the public transportation schedules were greatly disrupted and slipping car accidents happened one after another.

 

 

読者からの投稿 9(かい、10 March 11

 

On January 22, it mainly snowed in Satsuma district because of the cold having moving from northern Kyushu to southern. The temperature in Kagoshima City was 1.5 at 1.5 degrees below zero and was the lowest temperature this winter. A lacking of experience for their coping with snows occurred to heavy traffic disruptions and a lot of slip accidents.

 

添削

 

On January 22, it mainly snowed in the Satsuma district as because of the cold air passed having moving from northern to southern Kyushu to southern. The temperature in Kagoshima City went down to was 1.5 at 1.5 degrees Celsius1 below zero and was the lowest temperature this winter. A Local drivers2, lacking of experience in for their coping with snows caused occurred to heavy traffic disruptions and a lot of slip accidents.

 

コメント

 

最後の文の内容は推測できますが分かり難いです。

 

1.       米国はまだ華氏を使っています。カナダは摂氏です。温度の表現は12 degrees Celsiusと摂氏を入れるのがよいです。

 

2.       A lacking  Lack of experience in for their coping with snows occurred caused to heavy traffic disruptions and a lot of slip accidents in the city.という表現もありますが、local driversと主語をはっきりしたほうがよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

On January 22, it snowed in the Satsuma district as cold air passed from northern to southern Kyushu. The temperature in Kagoshima City went down to 1.5 degrees Celsius below zero and was the lowest temperature this winter. Local drivers, lacking experience in  coping with snow caused heavy traffic disruptions and a lot of slip accidents.

 

 

読者からの投稿 8(mxtomi, 19 December 09

 

A cold air mass which moved down through Kyushu Island on January 22 caused snow to fall on Satsuma district. Temperature in Kagoshima City fell down to minus 1.5 degrees Celsius, the record low in this winter. Unused to snow, the southern city of Kagoshima had to experience a disrupted public transportation and a series of traffic accidents on the slippery road.

 

添削

 

A cold air mass which passed moved down through Kyushu Island from the north to south on January 22 brought caused snow to fall on the Satsuma district. The Ttemperature in Kagoshima City fell down to minus 1.5 degrees Celsius, a1 the record low in this winter. Unused to snow because of its location, in the southern part of Japan2, the cCity of Kagoshima had to face experience a disrupted public transportation and a series of traffic accidents on the slippery road.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       今年の冬で、いままでで一番寒かったが、もっと寒い日があるかもしれない。

 

2.       ちょっと長い説明になりますが、内容ははっきりするとおもいます。

 

添削後の文章

 

A cold air mass which passed through Kyushu Island from the north to south on January 22 brought snow to the Satsuma district. The temperature in Kagoshima City fell down to minus 1.5 degrees Celsius, a record low this winter. Unused to snow because of its location in the southern part of Japan, the City of Kagoshima had to face a disrupted public transportation and a series of traffic accidents on the slippery road.

 

 

読者からの投稿 7(kk, 13 July 08

 

A cold weather front had moved south from the northern part of Kyushu and brought snow to the area around the Satsuma district on January 22. Kagoshima City registered minus 1.5 degrees Celsius, the coldest temperature this winter. This extraordinary snow in the South of Japan heavily disturbed the transportation system and brought series of skid accidents.

 

添削

 

A cold weather front passed through Kyusyu Island from the had moved north to south from the northern part of Kyushu and brought snow to the area around the Satsuma district on January 22. At Kagoshima City, the temperature dropped to registered minus 1.5 degrees Celsius, the coldest temperature this winter. The This extraordinary snow in this southern district of Japan the South of Japan heavily disturbed the transportation system and brought series of skid accidents.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。添削は文章を読みやすくしました。

 

添削後の文章

 

A cold weather front passed through Kyusyu Island from the north to south and brought snow to the Satsuma district on January 22. At Kagoshima City, the temperature dropped to  minus 1.5 degrees Celsius, the coldest temperature this winter. The extraordinary snow in this southern district of Japan heavily disturbed the transportation system and brought series of skid accidents.

 

 

読者からの投稿 6(dunkel, 26 June 08

 

On January 22, Satsuma District in Kagoshima Prefecture got snow because of the cold air moving from the north to the south of Kyushu. The daily minimum temperature of Kagoshima City that day reached 1.5 degrees below zero and it was the coldest record of the winter season this year. The rare snow in the southern land disrupted public transportation heavily and many cars skidded and got traffic accidents.

 

添削

 

On January 22, it snowed in the Satsuma Ddistrict in Kagoshima Prefecture got snow because of as1 the cold air moved moving from the north to the south of Kyushu. The daily low2 minimum temperature of in Kagoshima City on that day went down to3 reached minus1.5 degrees Celsius below zero and it was became the coldest day this record of the winter season this year. The rare snow in the this4 southern land heavily disrupted public transportation heavily and also caused many cars skidded and got traffic accidents on the slippery streets.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       the daily low, the daily highという表現があります。

 

2.       「寒気が九州を縦断するにつれて」とすると文に動きが出ます。

 

3.       reachedでもよいですが、went down toとすると、普段よりぐっと冷え込んで、という感じになります。

 

4.       in this southern landで「鹿児島市という南国の町で」と強調できます。

 

添削後の文章

 

On January 22, it snowed in the Satsuma district in Kagoshima Prefecture as the cold air moved from the north to south of Kyushu. The daily low in Kagoshima City on that day went down to minus1.5 degrees Celsius and became the coldest day this winter. The rare snow in this southern land heavily disrupted public transportation and also caused many traffic accidents on the slippery streets.

 

 

読者からの投稿 5(岩ちゃん、21 July 07

 

It snowed around Satsuma district by cold air which traversed longitudinally from the northern part in Kyusyu to the southern part on January 22. Kagoshima City had minus 1.5 degree of the lowest temperature and was coldest this year. As the south country did not get used to snow, transportation system was confused so much and slip accidents occurred one after another.

 

添削

 

It snowed around Satsuma district by A cold air which traversed longitudinally Kyushu from the northern part in Kyusyu to the southern part on January 22 brought snow1 to the Satsuma district2. In Kagoshima City had the temperature dropped3 to minus 1.5 degrees Celsius of the lowest temperature and was the coldest this year. As the a southern city, Kagoshima country was did not get used to snow.4, The transportation system was confused so much and slip traffic accidents occurred one after another.

 

コメント

 

1.       It snowed ~ とすると寒気とのつながりが曖昧になるので、添削のように寒気を主語にするとよいでしょう。

 

2.       「薩摩地方を中心に」は正確にはin the Satsuma and surrounding areaですが、簡単にin the Satsuma district (この文では to the Satsuma district)でよいでしょう。

 

3.       The lowest temperature of the day was minus 1.5 degrees Celsius. とも表現出来ますが、the temperature dropped to minus 1.5 degrees Celsius.とすると、最低気温がマイナス1.5度ということがわかります。

 

4.       このように文を切ったほうが、内容がわかりやすく、また文章にリズムが生まれます。

 

添削後の文章

 

A cold air which traversed Kyushu from the northern part to the southern part on January 22 brought snow to the Satsuma district. In Kagoshima City the temperature dropped to minus 1.5 degrees Celsius and was the coldest this year. As a southern city, Kagoshima was not used to snow. The transportation system was confused and traffic accidents occurred one after another.

 

 

読者からの投稿 4(散歩人、30 June 07

 

On January 22th, it snowed around the Satsuma area because of cold air which made its way from northern Kyushu to southern Kyushu. It was the coldest day in this winter in Kagoshima City and the lowest temperature was 1.5 degrees below zero. The snow disrupted public transportation and caused car accidents because the people in the warm southern country is not familiar with snow.

 

添削

 

On January 22th, it snowed around the Satsuma area because of the cold air which made its way from northern Kyushu to southern Kyushu. It was the coldest day in this winter in Kagoshima City and the lowest temperature was 1.5 degrees Celsius below zero. The snow disrupted public transportation and caused many1 car accidents because the people in the warm southern country city are is not familiar with the snow on the street.

 

コメント

 

1.       交通事故はいつでも起きているので、many car accidentsとするとよいでしょう。雪には慣れているエドモントンでも、毎年初めて雪がたくさん降った日は、スリップ事故が多く起きます。

 

添削後の文章

 

On January 22th, it snowed around the Satsuma area because of the cold air which made its way from northern Kyushu to southern Kyushu. It was the coldest day this winter in Kagoshima City and the lowest temperature was 1.5 degrees Celsius below zero. The snow disrupted public transportation and caused many car accidents because people in the warm southern city are not familiar with the snow on the street.

 

 

読者からの投稿 3(KAPPA2006, 9 September 06

 

On January 22, it snowed in the area centering the Satsuma district by cold wind passing from the north to the south in Kyushu Island. Kagoshima City recorded the coldest in this winder at minus 1.5 degree C of the minimum temperature. As this south country is unfamiliar with snow, the traffic was so troubled and slippery accidents came one after another.

 

投稿

 

On January 22, it snowed in the area centering the Satsuma district. The snow1 was caused by cold wind passing from the north to the south in Kyushu Island. Kagoshima City recorded the coldest temperature in this winder at minus 1.5 degree C of the minimum temperature2. As this southern country city is unfamiliar with snow, the traffic was so troubled disturbed and slippery car accidents took place came one after another on the slippery road.

 

コメント

 

1.       it snoweditは気候を表す仮主語なので、by cold windとはつながりません。添削のように文を切って、The snow was caused by cold wind ~.とするとよいでしょう。

 

2.       日中の最高気温、the daily high、最低気温the daily lowという表現もありますが、ここではthe coldest temperature this winterでよいでしょう。Kagoshima City recorded the coldest temperatureの表現がよいですね。

 

添削後の文章

 

On January 22, it snowed in the area centering the Satsuma district. The snow was caused by cold wind passing from the north to the south in Kyushu Island. Kagoshima City recorded the coldest temperature this winder at minus 1.5 degree C. As this southern city is unfamiliar with snow, the traffic was disturbed and car accidents took place one after another on the slippery road.

 

 

読者からの投稿 2(マウント60、18 November 04

 

A cold air mass, which moved from the north to the south of Kyushu on January 22,  brought some snow mainly to the Satsuma region. The lowest temperature of the day in Kagoshima City was 1.5 degrees Celsius below zero, the lowest this winter. The traffic of the city was disrupted so much that car accidents due to icy, slippery roads happened one after another, for cities located in southern Japan such as Kagoshima are not accustomed to snow. 

 

添削

 

A cold air mass, which moved from the north to the south of Kyushu on January 22,  brought some snow mainly to the Satsuma region. The lowest temperature of the day in Kagoshima City was minus 1.5 degrees Celsius below zero, the lowest this winter. The traffic of in the city was disrupted so much that car accidents due to icy and, slippery roads happened one after another, for drivers in the  cities located in southern Japan such as Kagoshima are were not accustomed to snow1. 

 

コメント

 

1.       「交通機関は大きく乱れ、スリップ事故も相次いだ。」は「(公共)交通機関は大きく乱れ、(自動車の)スリップ事故も相次いだ。」の意味でしょう。慣れない雪が両者の原因になっているので、投稿のように、前者が直接に後者の原因にはなってはいないのではないですか。雪が原因で公共交通機関の大幅な遅れと自動車のスリップ事故の多発になった、という内容をはっきりさせるためには、次のような表現の方法もあります。

 

People in a southern city like Kagoshima were not accustomed to snow. The unusual snow disrupted the public transportation system in the city and the icy and slippery roads caused car accidents one after another.

 

私の住むエドモントン市は冬(10月から4月まで)の厳しいところで、一冬に日中の最高温度が摂氏マイナス25度以下という日が3-4週間あります。しかし、雪は少なく、一冬の積雪量は1メートルぐらいです。雪が降るとすぐにブルトーザーで除雪作業をするので、市内の道路は冬の間も雪はありません。温度が氷点下で安定してしまうので、積もった雪が溶けてまた氷り、道路がツルツルになることはめったにありません。ただし、ラッシュ時間に吹雪になったりすると、除雪作業が出来なくなり、grid lockといって市内の道路網に自動車が詰まってしまい(交差点で車の動きが極端に遅くなるのが原因です)、普段は30分で行ける所に3時間もかかるということがあります。

 

 

読者からの投稿 1 (Knight, 2 April 04)

 

The cold air traveling down from north to south part of Kyushu made snow fall focusing on the Satsuma region on January 22. The lowest temperature in Kagoshima city was 1.5 degrees Celsius below zero for the first time in this winter. In the south country the transportation was severely disrupted by the unusual snowfall, and accidents caused by cars skidding occurred frequently.

 

添削

 

The cold air traveling through Kyusyu down from the north to the south part of Kyushu made brought snow to many areas but especially fall focusing on to the Satsuma region on January 22. The lowest temperature in Kagoshima cCity was 1.5 degrees Celsius below zero for the first time in this winter. In the south country Since snow seldom falls in this region1, the transportation was severely disrupted by the unusual snowfall, and many car accidents happened on slippery roads2. caused by cars skidding occurred frequently.

 

コメント

 

1.       日本文の内容を説明したほうが良いでしょう。

 

2.       「スリップ事故」など、文章の重要項目でないものを英語で説明しようとすると、文章が長くなるので、内容をとって言い換えると易しくなります。

 

私の住むカナダ・アルバータ州・エドモントン市は今年の1月に最高気温が摂氏マイナス25度の日が2週間続きました。しかし、降雪量は少なく、一冬で(10月から3月)1メートル前後です。それでも、初めて雪の降る日はスリップ事故が多く、交通が渋滞して、普段なら30分で行くところが3時間になってしまいます。

 

添削後の文章

 

The cold air traveling through Kyusyu from the north to the south brought snow to many areas but especially to the Satsuma region on January 22. The lowest temperature in Kagoshima City was 1.5 degrees Celsius below zero for the first time this winter. Since snow seldom falls in this region, the transportation was severely disrupted by the unusual snowfall and many car accidents happened on slippery roads.

 

 

初級問題 140

 

近く結婚式を挙げることになり、噂に聞いてはいたが、結婚に絡む作業の繁雑さには驚いた。披露宴の卓上の花瓶の色や音楽の選択から、案内状にはる慶事用切手の購入に至るまで、「なぜこんな細かいことまで決めるのか」と思った。

 

読者からの投稿 10(BURU, 17 December 15

 

I was surprised that there were so many miscellaneous works for the preparation of wedding ceremony. I thought "how come we have to do so many little things." For example the works are like a decision of the color of vase on the party table, the selection of numbers and the purchase of stamps for the invitation card. I have heard the works were so complicated. But I realized the fact just before my wedding.

 

添削

 

I was surprised that there were so many miscellaneous works tasks for the preparation of a wedding ceremony. I wondered thought, "hHow come do we have to do so many little things?." For example, I had to decide1  the works are like a decision of the color of a vase on the party table, and the selection and of numbers and the purchase of stamps for the invitation cards. I had2 have heard that these tasks the works were so complicated. But I realized the fact just before my wedding.

 

コメント

 

内容のすべてがわかります。

 

1.       動詞形にしたほうがわかりやすくなります。

 

2.       I realized (過去形)の時点の前の事なので、過去完了形にします。

 

添削後の文章

 

I was surprised that there were so many miscellaneous tasks for the preparation of a wedding ceremony. I wondered, "How come do we have to do so many little things?" For example, I had to decide the color of a vase on the party table and the selection and  number of stamps for the invitation cards. I had heard that these tasks were so complicated. But I realized the fact just before my wedding.

 

 

読者からの投稿 9(かい、11 March 11

 

I will have my wedding soon. I was surprised at the complexity about an arrangement for my marriage although I had known that from a rumor. I thought why we must decide such the detail ranging from the choice for a color of a vase on the table and a music in wedding reception to the purchase of stamps for an auspicious occasion that attach to wedding cards.

 

添削

 

I am going to will1 have my wedding ceremony2 soon. I am3 was surprised at the complexity about of the an arrangement for my wedding ceremony marriage although I have heard about it had known that from a rumor. I wonder thought why I we4 must decide such the details ranging from the choice of for a color of the a vase on the table and the kind of a music in the wedding reception to the purchase of special mail stamps for an auspicious occasion for that attach to invitation wedding cards.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       I will have ~とするとwillが意志の表現になり、「なにがなんでも結婚式をする」という感じになります。まあ、これくらいの覚悟は必要かもしれませんが。

 

2.       結婚にいたるまでも大変でしょうが、ここでは結婚式・披露宴のことでしょう。

 

3.       現在、苦労しているようなので現在形にします。

 

4.