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初級練習問題の添削 31−35

 

練習問題 31 (1 May 03) (2 April 04) (13 April 05) (18 Aug 05) (14 March 06)

(12 April 06) (25 June 06) (24 Nov 06) (16 Dec 06) (20 April 07)

(18 Sept 07) (23 Nov 07) (21 Feb 08) (5 July 08) (19 Aug 09) (12 Nov 09)

(23 Feb 10) (11 May 10) (29 March 12) (25 Sept 13) (15 Dec 13)

(31 Dec 13)

 

練習問題 32 (1 May 03) (2 April 04) (13 April 05) (18 Aug 05) (14 March 06) (30 Aug 06)

(24 Nov 06) (17 Dec 06) (20 April 07) (18 Sept 07) (23 Nov 07)

(23 Feb 08) (8 July 08) (19 Aug 09) (12 Nov 09) (23 Feb 10) (12 May 10)

(29 March 12) (25 Sept 13) (15 Dec 13) (31 Dec 13)

 

練習問題 33 (13 March 03) (1 May 03) (18 April 04) (8 July 04) (13 April 05)

(18 Aug 05)(14 March 06) (18 April 06) (2 Sept 06) (24 Nov 06)

(19 Dec06) (21 April 07) (1 Oct 07) (25 Nov 07) (24 Feb 08) (9 July 08)

(19 Aug 09) (16 Nov 09) (13 Feb 10) (28 Feb 10) (15 May 10) (5 June 12)

(25 Sept 13) (17 Dec 13) (31 Dec 13)

 

練習問題 34 (26 February 03) (1 May 03) (21 April 04) (8 July 04) (13 April 05)

(18 Aug 05) (14 March 06) (22 April 06) (11 Oct 06) (24 Nov 06)

(22 Dec 06) (21 April 07) (1 Oct 07) (25 Nov 07) (26 Feb 08) (10 July 08)

(20 Aug 09) (20 Nov 09) (23 Feb 10) (28 Feb 10) (19 May 10) (5 June 12)

(27 Sept 13) (21 Dec 13) (31 Dec 13)

 

練習問題 35 (26Feb 03), (18 May 03) (2 April 04) (9 July 04) (18 Aug 05)

(14 March 06)(28 April 06) (24 Nov 06) (25 Dec 06) (24 April 07)

(1 Oct 07) (25 Nov 07) (28 Feb 08) (11 July 08) (20 Aug 09) (5 March 10)

(31 May 10) (24 Nov 10) (8 Aug 12) (27 Sept 13) (31 Dec 13) (8 Jan 14)

 

練習問題 31

 

板橋区は新財政年度から、こそ泥被害防止に、玄関のドアーの鍵のシリンダー部分を交換する際の経費の二分の一(上限5000円)を助成する事業を始める。

 

読者からの投稿 25(owl, 31 December 13

 

Starting next fiscal year, the Itabashi Ward Municipal Government is going to support half the cost (maximum 5,000 yen) when the residents of the ward replace the cylinder parts of locks on the front door in order to prevent theft.

 

添削

 

Starting in the next fiscal year, the Itabashi Ward Municipal Government is going to support subsidize half the cost (up to the maximum of 5,000 yen) when the residents of the ward replace the cylinder parts of locks on the front door of their houses in order to prevent theft.

 

コメント

 

内容のすべてがわかります。

 

添削後の文章

 

Starting in the next fiscal year, the Itabashi Ward Municipal Government is going to subsidize half the cost (up to the maximum of 5,000 yen) when the residents of the ward replace the cylinder parts of locks on the front door of their houses in order to prevent theft.

 

 

読者からの投稿 24(sasuke, 15 December 13

 

Starting new fiscal year, Itabashi City Office will start to aid a half the cost(up to 5,000 yen) of changing a cylinder lock of front door for preventing thief breaking into a house.

 

添削

 

Starting in the new fiscal year, Itabashi Ward City Office will start to aid subsidize a half of the cost(up to 5,000 yen) of changing a cylinder lock of the front door of its residents for preventing a thief from breaking into a house.

 

コメント

 

内容のすべてがわかります。

 

添削後の文章

 

Starting in the new fiscal year, Itabashi Ward will subsidize a half of the cost(up to 5,000 yen) of changing a cylinder lock of the front door of its residents for preventing a thief from breaking into a house.

 

 

読者からの投稿 23(文月、25 September 13

 

Itabashi-ku, one of the 23 special wards of Tokyo, will start a program to subsidize half of the expense up to five thousand yen for exchanging cylinder parts of front door locks from the new fiscal year. The program aims to prevent damage caused by sneak thief.

 

添削

 

Itabashi-ku, one of the 23 special wards of Tokyo, will start a program to subsidize half of the expense up to five thousand yen for exchanging a cylinder parts of the front door locks in from the new fiscal year. The program aims to prevent damage caused by a sneak thief.

 

コメント

 

内容のすべてがわかり

 

添削後の文章

Itabashi-ku, one of the 23 wards of Tokyo, will start a program to subsidize half of the expense up to five thousand yen for exchanging a cylinder of the front door lock in the new fiscal year. The program aims to prevent a sneak thief.

 

 

読者からの投稿 22(Valley winds, 29 March 12

 

From the new fiscal year, Tokyo’s Itabashi Ward will start to subsidize the half of the expense of changing the cylinder of the key to the front door, up to 5,000 yen. Preventing damages by thieves.

 

添削

 

From In the new fiscal year, Tokyo’s Itabashi Ward will start to subsidize the a half of the expense of changing the cylinder of the a lock1 key of to the front door of any residence, up to 5,000 yen in order to . Preventing prevent damages by thieves2.

 

コメント

 

文章のだいたいがわかります。

 

1.       a keya lockの相違を投稿13コメント2で説明してありますからご覧ください。

 

2.       これは名詞句ですが文ではありません。

 

添削後の文章

 

In the new fiscal year, Tokyo’s Itabashi Ward will start to subsidize a half of the expense of changing the cylinder of a lock of the front door of any residence up to 5,000 yen in order to  prevent damages by thieves.

 

 

読者からの投稿 21(あんこ、11 May 10

 

In the next fiscal year, the Government of Itabashi area in Tokyo will start a program to protect the residents from thieves. They will pay half of the costs (up to five thousands yen) that the residents pay for changing a cylinder of the lock in their front door.

 

添削

 

In the next fiscal year, the Government of Itabashi area Ward in Tokyo will start a program to protect the its residents from thieves break-ins1. They will pay half of the costs (up to five thousands yen) that the residents pay for changing a cylinder of the lock in their front door.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       thief 窃盗犯にもいろいろと種類があるので、ここでは「空き巣」a break-inがよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

In the next fiscal year, the Government of Itabashi Ward in Tokyo will start a program to protect its residents from break-ins. They will pay half of the costs (up to five thousands yen) that the residents pay for changing a cylinder of the lock in their front door.

 

 

読者からの投稿 20(Tatsuo, 23 February 10

 

The City of Itabashi will start a support program from next fiscal year whose purpose is a precaution against thefts. When people change the door cylinder of main entrance, the local government bears the cost which is the half of its expenses or up to 5,000 yen.

 

添削

 

The City of Itabashi will start a support program from in the next fiscal year whose purpose is to improve the protection a precaution against break-ins thefts. When people change the door cylinder of a lock on the main entrance1, the City local government will bears give them a subsidy the cost which is a the half of the its expenses or up to 5,000 yen.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の大部分はわかりますが、whose purpose is a precaution against theftsというところが分かり難いです。添削のような説明にするとよいでしょう。泥棒にはいろいろありますが、ここでは「こそ泥」には「あきす泥棒」の意味のan break-inがよいでしょう。

 

1.       「玄関のドアーの鍵のシリンダー部分」を正確に表現すると、こうなります。

 

添削後の文章

 

The City of Itabashi will start a support program in the next fiscal year whose purpose is to improve the protection against break-ins. When people change the cylinder of a lock on the main entrance, the City will give them a subsidy which is a half of the expenses up to 5,000 yen.

 

 

読者からの投稿 19(Yoshi, 12 November 09

 

Itabashi Ward started to finance a half of expenses, up to \5,000, from a new fiscal year when you change a part of the cylinder of the front door key to protect damage caused by a thief.

 

添削

 

Itabashi Ward is going to started to subsidize finance a half of expenses, up to \5,000, in the from 1a new fiscal year when local residents you change a part of the cylinder of the front door key lock2 to protect damage caused by a thief.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかりますが、日本文によるとこの事業はまだ始まっていないので、Itabashi Ward is going to startとなります。

 

1.       「新財政年度から」というように「ある時期から」の表現がよくありますすが、英文では「新財政年度に」in the new fiscal yearになります。

 

2.       a keya lockの違いを調べてください。

 

添削後の文章

 

Itabashi Ward is going to subsidize half of expenses, up to \5,000, in the new fiscal year when local residents change a part of the cylinder of the front door lock to protect damage caused by a thief.

 

 

読者からの投稿 18(mxtomi, 19 August 09

 

Starting from the next fiscal year, the Itabashi ward will implement a program which subsidizes 50% of the cost incurred(up to 5,000 yen) when its residents replace a cylinder of the front door lock in order to minimize the risk of being broken in.

 

添削

 

Starting from in the next fiscal year, the Itabashi wWard in Tokyo will implement a program which subsidizes 50% of the cost incurred(up to 5,000 yen) when its residents replace a cylinder of the front door lock. This program is aimed at reducing in order to minimize the risk of being broken into a house.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかりますが、添削のように二つの文にしたほうが読みやすいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

Starting in the next fiscal year, the Itabashi Ward in Tokyo will implement a program which subsidizes 50% of the cost incurred(up to 5,000 yen) when its residents replace a cylinder of the front door lock. This program is aimed at reducing the risk of being broken into a house.

 

 

読者からの投稿 17(かい、5 July 08

 

The Itabashi Ward Government starts a program from the new fiscal year. The program aids for half of the expenses (up to 5,000 yen) of exchanging cylinder part of entrance door key to prevent the damage by the thief.

 

添削

 

The Itabashi Ward Government starts a program from in the new fiscal year. that1 will subsidize The program aids for half of the expenses (up to 5,000 yen) for of exchanging a cylinder part of the entrance door lock key of its residents in the ward. The Ward Government hopes that the program will help to reduce prevent the number of break-ins in the ward damage by the thief2.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       プレイン・イングリッシュで読みやすい文の長さはどのくらいでしょうか?この文章の最初の文は内容が一般的なので、次の文を読むまでなにのことかはっきりしません。このようなときには添削のように文の内容を長くするとよいでしょう。添削前、後と似たような構造に見えますが、添削後は関係代名詞thatがあるので、読者は内容が次に続くという心構えが出来て、文が読みやすくなります。

 

2.       ~ to prevent the damage by the thiefという節は内容が重要なので、文の最後のちょっと付け足すという形より、独立した文にしたほうがよいでしょう。また、シリンダー部分を交換だけで総てのこそ泥が防げるとは思えないので添削のようにしました。日本文には「こそ泥被害防止に」と書いてありますが、英文で内容を表現するときは理屈の通るように適当に解釈してください。

 

添削後の文章

 

The Itabashi Ward Government starts a program in the new fiscal year that will subsidize  half of the expenses (up to 5,000 yen) for exchanging a cylinder part of the entrance door lock of its residents in the ward. The Ward Government hopes that the program will help to reduce the number of break-ins in the ward.

 

 

読者からの投稿 16(kk, 21 February 08

 

In the next fiscal year, Itabashi Ward in Tokyo will launch a program to subsidize half the expense of replacing a cylinder of the lock on a front door (up to five thousand yen) for its residents as one of safety measures against break-ins.

 

添削

 

In the next fiscal year, Itabashi Ward in Tokyo will launch a program to subsidize half the expense of replacing a cylinder of the lock on a the1 front door (up to five thousand yen) for its residents as one of safety measures against break-ins.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。内容が一つの文で記述されていますが、文の構成がわかりやすいですね。Itabashi Ward will launch a programが文の基本構成でこのprogramの説明が次に続いています。先ずは何についての文なのかはっきりしているので読みやすいです。

 

1.       正面の入り口は一つしかないとしてthe front doorがよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

In the next fiscal year, Itabashi Ward in Tokyo will launch a program to subsidize half the expense of replacing a cylinder of the lock on the front door (up to five thousand yen) for its residents as one of safety measures against break-ins.

 

 

読者からの投稿 15(dunkel, 23 November 07

 

The Government of Itabashi Ward in Tokyo will start the new aid program for preventing from the theft trouble. The government will support half of the total cost for changing a new cylinder-lock door. The maximum payment will be 5,000 yen for each house.

 

添削

 

The Government of Itabashi Ward in Tokyo will start the a new aid program for assisting residents to preventing break-ins to their homes from the theft trouble. The government will support subsidize half of the total cost for of changing a new cylinder of the -lock for the front door1. The maximum payment will be 5,000 yen for each house.

 

コメント

 

内容の概略はわかりますが、わからない部分があります。

 

1.       日本文によると「玄関のドアーの鍵のシリンダー部分」の交換だけを補助するので、添削のようになります。

 

添削後の文章

 

The Government of Itabashi Ward in Tokyo will start a new program for assisting residents to prevent break-ins to their homes. The government will subsidize half of the cost of changing a cylinder of the lock for the front door. The maximum payment will be 5,000 yen for each house.

 

 

読者からの投稿 14(マーチャン、18 September 07

 

To prevent damages from thieves, Itabashi Ward will start a program that subsidizes half of the expense ( up to a maximum of 5,000 yen) for replacing a cylinder of the lock of the front door for residents in the ward in the next budget year.

 

添削

 

To prevent damages from thieves, Itabashi Ward will start a program that subsidizes half of the expense ( up to a maximum of 5,000 yen) for replacing a cylinder of the lock of the front door for residents in the ward in the next budget year.

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。

 

読者からの投稿 13(散歩人、20 April 07

 

From a next fiscal year, Itabashi city is going to begin a plan that gives a half of the costs - the upper limit is 5,000 yen - to exchange the parts of cylinder lock of a door for measures against sneak thieves.

 

添削

 

From In the a next fiscal year, Itabashi cCity1 is going to begin a plan that gives subsidize its citizens a half of the costs - the upper limit is 5,000 yen - to exchange the a parts of cylinder of the lock of an entrance door2. The plan is intended to improve security for measures against sneak thieves3.

 

コメント

 

1.       東京都の「区」はそれぞれの区のホームページを見るとCityとなっていますね。

 

2.       玄関のドアーだけを対象にしているようです。「鍵」は英語ではドアーにつけてあるa lockの部分と手に持って歩くa keyとから構成されています。a cylinder locka lockの部分に円筒状のa cylinderとよばれるものが組み込まれていて、この円筒の内部のでこぼことa keyのでこぼこが合うとa boltとよばれるものがはずれてドアーが開きます。このごろの空き巣はこのcylinderに何かを差し込んでドアーを開けるという技術を持っています。これを防止するために、この技術では簡単に開けられないようなcylinderと交換する、というのが板橋区の事業でしょう。

 

3.       この内容は独立した文にして補足説明を加えると印象がはっきりします。

 

添削後の文章

 

In the next fiscal year, Itabashi City is going to begin a plan that subsidize its citizens half of the costs - the upper limit is 5,000 yen - to exchange a cylinder of the lock of an entrance door. The plan is intended to improve security against sneak thieves.

 

 

読者からの投稿 12(吉、16 December 06

 

Itabashi Ward will start a new program to subsidize half (up to 5000 yen) of the expense for replacing a cylinder of front door’s key in new fiscal year. This program aims at preventing theft damage.

 

添削

 

Itabashi Ward will start a new program to subsidize half (up to 5000 yen) of the expense for replacing a cylinder of the front door’s key in the new fiscal year. This program aims is aimed at1 preventing theft damage break-ins2.

 

コメント

 

1.       COBUILD If an action or plan is aimed at achieving something, it is intended or planned to achieve it.と説明しています。受動態で使うことに注意してください。

 

2.       theftは窃盗でいろいろな盗みの種類の総称です。a break-inは(窃盗の目的で)家宅に侵入することです。

 

添削後の文章

 

Itabashi Ward will start a new program to subsidize half (up to 5000 yen) of the expense for replacing a cylinder of the front door’s key in the new fiscal year. This program is aimed at preventing break-ins.

 

 

読者からの投稿 11(岩ちゃん、24 November 06

 

To prevent damages from thieves, Itabashi Ward will start the program that finances half of the expense (Max. 5,000 yen) in replacing a cylinder of the lock at a front door from next budget year.

 

添削

 

To prevent damages from thieves, Itabashi Ward will start the a program that finances subsidizes1 half of the expense (Max up to a maximum of. 5,000 yen) in for replacing a cylinder of the lock at a of the front door for residents in the ward2 in the from3 next budget year.

 

コメント

 

1.       subsidize助成金を出す、という便利な言葉があります。

 

2.       どこのドアーかわかるようにfor residents in the wardを入れるとよいでしょう。

 

3.       「新財政年度から」とありますが、このような場合はin the new budget year (fiscal year)inを使います。

 

添削後の文章

 

To prevent damages from thieves, Itabashi Ward will start a program that subsidizes half of the expense ( up to a maximum of 5,000 yen) for replacing a cylinder of the lock of the front door for residents in the ward in the next budget year.

 

 

読者からの投稿 10(Hanasaki, 24 November 06

 

Itbashi ward will start a new program to subsidize half(up to 5000 yen) of the amount of the cost of changing a cylinder of the door lock to protect a thief from a new fiscal year.

 

添削

 

Itabashi wWard will start a new program to subsidize half(up to 5000 yen) of the amount of1 the cost of changing a cylinder of the door lock for residents in the ward in the new fiscal year. The program2 is aimed at protecting residents from to protect a thief from a new fiscal year.

 

コメント

 

the cost of ~と重複するので省略します。

 

「こそ泥被害防止に」と短い内容ですが、投稿のようにすると、ここの部分が文の後半にちょんと付け足しただけなので印象が薄くなります。ここから新しい文にするとよいでしょう。それから、protect a thiefと泥棒を守る、では区民は困ってしまいますね。

 

添削後の文章

 

Itabashi Ward will start a new program to subsidize half (up to 5000 yen) of the cost of changing a cylinder of the door lock for residents in the ward in the new fiscal year. The program is aimed at protecting residents from a thief.

 

 

読者からの投稿 9(moppy, 25 June 06

 

Itabashi borough begins a program to prevention of damage caused by thief which subsidize half of the cost (maximum of the subsidy is 5000 yen) who exchanged cylinder parts of a front door from new fiscal year.

 

添削

 

Itabashi bBorough1 begins a program to prevention of the damage caused by petty thiefves2 which by subsidizinge half of the cost (the maximum of the subsidy is 5000 yen) who that is used to exchanged a cylinder parts of the lock3 at a front door from this new fiscal year.

 

コメント

 

1.       板橋区の英文ホームページを見ると、Itabashi City, Itabashi City Hallとなっています。行政区の名前は国によって違うので、正式にはItabashi Cityとするのでしょう。Itabashi Cityだけでも板橋市役所の意味がありますが、もっと正確にはItabashi City Hallでしょう。ただし、英語圏ではcityの中の行政区分はwardと言っているところもあり、cityとすると横浜市、三鷹市のように地理的にも独立しているところを連想します。tabashi Ward in Tokyoとすると行政区と地理の両方が入っていて読者に親切になります。

 

2.       petty thiefはチンピラ泥棒の意味で、あまり高価なものは盗まない、という意味合いが含まれていますが、現在の日本の泥棒は高価な物をごっそりと盗みますから、ただのthievesのほうが適当かもしれません。

 

3.       key(手にもってあるく部分)とlock(ドアーについている部分)があり、シリンダーはドアーについている部分です。

 

添削後の文章

 

Itabashi Borough begins a program to prevent the damage caused by petty thieves by subsidizing half of the cost (the maximum of the subsidy is 5000 yen) that is used to exchange a cylinder part of the lock at a front door from this new fiscal year.

 

 

読者からの投稿 8(tange, 12 April 06

 

Itabashi City in Tokyo is going to start to finance their citizens for changing a new cylinder of a front door from a new financial year. The city will help a half cost but the upper limit is 5 thousands yen. This is a kind of protection from thieves.

 

添削

 

Itabashi City Ward in Tokyo is going to start to finance subsidizing1 their citizens for changing a new cylinder of a the lock2 on the front door from a in the3 new financial year. The city ward will help pay a half of the cost but the upper up to the limit is of 5 five4 thousands yen. This program is a kind of intended to improve household protection from against thieves5.

 

コメント

 

1.       subsidize補助する、という便利な言葉があります。Collins COBUILDIf a government o other authority subsidizes something, they pay part of the cost of it.と説明しています。

 

2.       ドアーについている部分がlockで、これを開ける金属片がkeyです。日本語では両方とも鍵ですね。錠というのがlockに近いようですが、はっきりしません。I forgot to bring a key to open this lock on the box.のように英語でははっきりし区別があります。

 

3.       new financial yearとあるのでin the new financial yearと表現します。

 

4.       5 thousand yenよりfive thousand yenとしたほうが見た目がよくなります。小さな数字を英文に入れるときは5ではなくfiveと表現したほうがよいでしょう。

 

5.       「こそ泥被害防止に」を独立の文で表現したのがよいですね。もう少し説明を追加するとよいでしょう。

 

キーと言えば、田舎のスキー場に車で出かけ、夕方、スキーを終えてさて帰ろうという時に、車のキーをポケットに入れたままの上着を車のトランクに入れ、バタンとトランクを閉めてしまったことがあります。駐車場の電話で鍵屋に来てもらいました。何百というキーを持っていて、いろいろ試しましたがトランクは開きません。次に近くの町の自動車修理場に電話をかけ、レッカー車で車をガレージまで持っていってもらいました。私たち親子4人は、後輪をレッカー車で持ち上げられた車に乗って、道路の後方を見ながらスキー場から10キロほどの所にあるガレージまで行きました。ガレージでは、トランクのロックの周りにドリルで穴を開けて、ロックをすっぽり出してトランクを開けてもらいました。

 

添削後の文章

 

Itabashi Ward in Tokyo is going to start subsidizing their citizens for changing a cylinder of the lock on the front door in the new financial year. The ward will pay half of the cost up to the limit of five thousand yen. This program is intended to improve household protection against thieves.

 

 

読者からの投稿 7(kappa2005, 14 March 06

 

As from a new fiscal year, Itabashi ward will commence the project which provides a subsidy of half the cost (Maximum Yen5000 ) for replacement of cylinder parts in a door key of the main entrance in order to avoid a petty thief damage.

 

添削

 

As from a In the new fiscal year1, Itabashi wWard will commence a program2 the project which provides residents3 with a subsidy of half the cost (Mmaximum of Yen5,000 yen ) for replacementing4  of cylinder parts in of a door key of the main entrance. The program5 is expected in order to avoid reduce damages from a petty thiefves  damage.

 

コメント

 

1.       「新財政年度から」はIn the new fiscal yearでよいでしょう。 日時が具体的なときは、As of April first,2006というようにas ofが使えます。

 

2.       projectというともう少し大きな計画の印象があるので、a programとしました。

 

3.       provide residents with a subsidy 「住民」を入れました。日本文ではこのプログラムの対象は「板橋区民」は当然と推測できますが、英文では住民を明示するのがよいでしょう。

 

4.       for the replacement of cylinder partsでもよいですが、replacingとすると文に動きのある言葉が入るので読みやすくなります。

 

5.       文が長くなるので、ここで一旦文を終わり、新しい文をThe program is expected to ~と始めるとよいでしょう。このほうがThe programの印象が明確になります。またこそ泥は減るでしょうが、完全に防ぐことは無理だと思うのでavoidではなく、reduceにしました(まったく、細かな所にうるさい添削者ですね。) いろいろ添削しましたが、文章の骨格はしっかりしていて読みやすいですね。この英文の骨格をわかりやすくすること、が英作文の基本です。

 

添削後の文章

 

In the new fiscal year, Itabashi Ward will commence a program which provides residents with a subsidy of half the cost (maximum of 5,000 yen ) for replacing cylinder parts of a door key of the main entrance. The program is expected to reduce damages from petty thieves.

 

 

読者からの投稿 6(rikarika, 18 August 05

 

Itabashi ward is going to start new aid fund project for prevention of thief from next fiscal year. The project will cover half the cost (max \5000) for exchange of front door’s key cylinder.

 

添削

 

Itabashi wWard in Tokyo1 is going to start a new aid fund project2 for the prevention of thief break-ins from in3 the next fiscal year. The project will cover half the cost (up to the maximum4 of \5,000) for exchangeing5 a of front door’s key cylinder of the front door for a new one.

 

コメント

 

1.       日本文には書いてありませんが、東京都の板橋区としたほうが、読者にわかりやすいでしょう。

 

2.       次の文でこのプロジェクトの内容の説明があるので、ここでは単にa new projectでよいでしょう。

 

3.       「新財政年度から 〜を始める」には 〜から、とありますが、このような時はstart A in the new fiscal yearが一般的な表現方法です。

 

4.       簡略表現(max) は日本語の表現で英語圏では一般的ではありません。簡略表現は避けるようにしてください。

 

5.       exchange A for B AをBと取り替える、なので添削のようにします。慣用句は無数にあって覚えきれませんから、exchangeの用例を英英辞書でチェックするとよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

Itabashi Ward in Tokyo is going to start a new project for the prevention of break-ins in the next fiscal year. The project will cover half the cost (up to the maximum of \5,000) for exchanging a key cylinder of the front door for a new one.

 

 

読者からの投稿 5(かっぱん、13 April 05

 

In the new fiscal year, Itabashi Ward will start a new program to prevent break-ins. It will subside half of the cost (up to 5,000 yen) for replacing a lock cylinder of a main entrance door.

 

添削

 

In the new fiscal year, Itabashi Ward will start a new program to prevent break-ins.1 It will subside half of the cost (up to 5,000 yen) for replacing a lock cylinder of a main entrance door.

 

コメント

 

1.       添削箇所はありません。ここで日本文の内容をきったのが効果的で、文章がすっきりしましたね。「ドアーの鍵のシリンダー部分を交換する」とは実際にはどういうことなのでしょうね。普通はkeylockはセットになって販売していてシリンダー部分はlockの一部でlock全体を交換するものと思うのですが。

 

読者からの投稿 4 (tama, 2 April 04)

 

Itabashi ward will start the public work in new fiscal year to protect inhabitants of its ward from chicken thief. The work is to aid half of the expenditure, up to five thousands yen in exchanging cylinder of the key to front door.

 

添削

 

Itabashi wWard will start the public work a program1 in the new fiscal year to protect its residents inhabitants of its ward from chicken thief thieves. The work program is to aid subsidize half of the expenditure costs, up to five thousands yen, in exchanging to replace a cylinder of the front door lock with a new anti-picking cylinder2 key to front door.

 

 

Public workというと土木、建築工事のイメージがあるのでここでは単にprogramでよいでしょう。

 

「鍵を錠前にはめる」 put the key in the lock でシリンダーは錠前(あまり使いませんね)の一部です。日本語は「鍵をかける」ですが、英語ではlock the doorです。不思議ですね。

 

添削後の文章

 

Itabashi Ward will start a program in the new fiscal year to protect its residents from chicken  thieves. The program is to subsidize half of the costs, up to five thousands yen, to replace a cylinder of the front door lock with a new anti-picking cylinder .

 

 

読者からの投稿 3(tonton, 1 May 03

 

Itabashi Ward in Tokyo has a new enterprise for the petty robbery prevention starting from the next fiscal year. It will assist the inhabitants of the ward by subsidizing the half of the expense, up to five thousand yen, to exchange the cylinder part of the front door lock. 

 

添削

 

Itabashi Ward in Tokyo has will start a new enterprise program for the prevention of petty robberies1 y prevention starting from in the next coming2 fiscal year. It will assist the inhabitants of the ward3 by subsidizing the - half of the expense, up to five thousand yen, to exchange replace the a cylinder part of the front- door lock. 

 

コメント

 

1.       「こそ泥被害防止」はpetty robbery preventionと名詞をならべるよりthe prevention of petty robberies またはa new program for preventing petty robberiespreventionまたはpreventingのように動詞からの派生語が前に来たほうがわかりやすくなります。

 

2.       新財政年度は毎年4月からですからin the next fiscal yearでよいのですが、yearという言葉があるのでなんとなく次の年という感じがします。

 

3.       日本文では「区民に」という目的語が省略されていますが、tontonさんはちゃんと見つけて補っています。The inhabitants of the wardはちょっと硬い感じなので、たんにward residentsとかhouse owners in the wardとしてもよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

Itabashi Ward in Tokyo will start a new program for the prevention of petty robberies in the coming fiscal year. It will assist the inhabitants of the ward3 by subsidizing half of the expense, up to five thousand yen, to replace a cylinder part of the front-door lock. 

 

読者からの投稿 2(イズミ、26 Feb 03

 

In the new year, Itabashi Ward in Tokyo will start a new program to subsidize house owners when they replace a cylinder of the current lock of the front door. The subsidy will be limited to half of the costs, up to the maximum of 5,000 yen.

 

添削

 

Starting In the new fiscal year, Itabashi Ward in Tokyo will start a new program to1 subsidize house owners when they replace a cylinder of the current lock of the front door with a new anti-thief cylinder2. The subsidy will be limited to half of the replacement costs, up to the a maximum of 5,000 yen.

 

コメント

 

1.       もとのままでの良いですが、内容から見て添削のように簡単に出来ます。

 

2.       replace A with B(AをBと交換する)ですから、添削のように交換するものを入れます。「こそ泥防止」を直接表現しないで、an anti-thief cylinderで表現しました。

 

 

添削後の文章

 

Starting In the new fiscal year, Itabashi Ward in Tokyo will subsidize house owners when they replace a cylinder of the current lock of the front door with a new anti-thief cylinder. The subsidy will be limited to half of the replacement cost, up to a maximum of 5,000 yen.

 

 

読者からの投稿 1(かえで、24 Feb 03

 

In the new fiscal year, the Itabashi-ku Ward Office will start a project for a prevention of break-ins. It will subsidize one half of a cost (up to the maximum of 5,000 yen) for replacing a lock cylinder of a main entrance door.

 

添削

 

In the new fiscal year, the Itabashi-ku Itabashi Ward Office in Tokyo1 will start a project for a the prevention of break-ins2. It will subsidize one half of a the cost (up to the a maximum of 5,000 yen) for replacing a lock cylinder of on a the main entrance door.

 

コメント

 

1.       「板橋区」は正式には「板橋区役所」のことですから、the Office of Itabashi Wardまたはthe Itabashi Ward Officeですが、文脈から単にItabashi Ward in Tokyoでよいとおもいます。

 

2.       かえでさんは日本文の内容を二つに分けることによって、英文で表現しやすくしています。

 

添削後の文章

 

In the new fiscal year, Itabashi Ward in Tokyo will start a project for the prevention of break-ins. It will subsidize one half of the cost (up to a maximum of 5,000 yen) for replacing a lock cylinder on the main entrance door.

 

 

練習問題 32

 

神奈川県秦野市に住む天文家が発見した小惑星が、このほど国際天文学連合(IAU、本部・パリ)で正式に認定され、発見者の希望通り「秦野」と命名された。

 

読者からの投稿 23(owl, 31 December 13

 

Recently, an asteroid discovered by an amateur astronomer living in Hatano, Kanagawa Prefecture, was officially approved by the International Astronomy Union (IAU), based in Paris. It was named 'Hatano' as the discoverer had wished.

 

添削

 

Recently, an asteroid discovered by an amateur astronomer living in Hatano, Kanagawa Prefecture, was officially recognized approved by the International Astronomy Union (IAU), based in Paris. It was named 'Hatano' as the discoverer had wished.

 

コメント

 

内容のすべてがわかります。

 

添削後の文章

 

Recently, an asteroid discovered by an amateur astronomer living in Hatano, Kanagawa Prefecture, was officially recognized by the International Astronomy Union (IAU), based in Paris. It was named 'Hatano' as the discoverer had wished.

 

 

読者からの投稿 22(sasuke, 15 December 13

 

The asteroid which was discovered by an astronomer who lived in Hadano city, Kanagawa prefecture was certified officially at International Astronomical Union(IAU, head office in Pris). It was named 'Hadano' as the discoverer's wishes.

 

添削

 

The asteroid which was discovered by an astronomer who lived in Hadano cCity, Kanagawa pPrefecture, was certified recognized officially by the at International Astronomical Union(IAU, head office in Paris). It was named 'Hadano' as the discoverer's wisheds.

 

コメント

 

内容のすべてがわかります。

 

添削後の文章

 

The asteroid which was discovered by an astronomer who lived in Hadano City, Kanagawa Prefecture, was recognized officially by the International Astronomical Union(IAU, head office in Paris). It was named 'Hadano' as the discoverer wished.

 

 

読者からの投稿 21(文月、25 September 13

 

A small planet discovered by an amateur astronomer, who lives in Hatano City in Kanagawa Prefecture, has been recently approved formally by the International Astronomical Union (IAU, Paris) and named "Hatano" as the discoverer of the planet wished.

 

添削

 

A small planet discovered by an amateur astronomer, who lives in Hatano City, in Kanagawa Prefecture, has been recently recognized approved formally by the International Astronomical Union (IAU, Paris) and named "Hatano" as the discoverer of the planet wished.

 

コメント

 

内容のすべてがわかります。

 

添削後の文章

 

A small planet discovered by an amateur astronomer in Hatano City, Kanagawa Prefecture has been recently recognized formally by the International Astronomical Union (IAU, Paris) and named "Hatano" as the discoverer of the planet wished.

 

 

読者からの投稿 20(Valley winds, 29 March 12

 

International Astronomical Union(IAU, Paris-based), officially recognized an asteroid discovered an astronomer in Yasuno City, Kanagawa Prefecture. The astronomer was named “Hatano”at the discoverer’s request. ̀

 

添削

 

The International Astronomical Union(IAU, Paris-based), officially recognized an asteroid discovered by an astronomer in Hatano Yasuno City, Kanagawa Prefecture. The asteroid astronomer was named “Hatano” at the discoverer’s request. ̀

 

コメント

 

二番目の文の内容が日本文と異なります。秦野市は東京近郷のハイキングの名所大山の麓にあります。

 

添削後の文章

 

The International Astronomical Union(IAU, Paris-based), officially recognized an asteroid discovered by an astronomer in Hatano City, Kanagawa Prefecture. The asteroid was named “Hatano” at the discoverer’s request. ̀

 

 

読者からの投稿 19(あんこ、12 May 10

 

An astronomer living in Hadano City in Kanagawa Prefecture discovered a minor planet. Now the International Astronomical Union (IAU, based in Paris) officially recognized the minor planet as one of the plants in the solar system and gave it a name 'Hadano' as the astronomer requested.

 

添削

 

An astronomer living in Hadano City in Kanagawa Prefecture discovered a minor planet. Now the International Astronomical Union (IAU, based in Paris) officially recognized1 the minor planet as one of the plants in the solar system and2 gave it a name 'Hadano' as the astronomer requested.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       The minor planet was officially recognized by the IAU and named Hatano as requested by the astronomer.と受身にすると、主語のthe minor planetが強調できますが、この文章ではthe IAUを主語にして強調するほうが動作の主体がはっきりしてよいでしょう。

 

2.       the minor planetにこのような内容が含まれているので、この文章では補足説明は必要ないでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

An astronomer living in Hadano City in Kanagawa Prefecture discovered a minor planet. Now the International Astronomical Union (IAU, based in Paris) officially recognized the minor planet gave it a name 'Hadano' as the astronomer requested.

 

 

読者からの投稿 18(Tatsuo, 23 February 10

 

An astronomer, who lived in the City of Hatano in Kanagawa, found a new asteroid. This time, the new asteroid was officially authorized by the International Astronomical Union (IAU, the headquarters in Paris) and it was named “HATANO” followed the discoverer’s request.

 

添削

 

An astronomer, who lived in the City of Hatano in Kanagawa Prefecture, found a new asteroid. This time, tThe new asteroid has been was1 officially recognized authorized by the International Astronomical Union (IAU, the headquarters in Paris) and it was named “HATANO” followeding the astronomer’s2 discoverer’s request.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       「このほど国際天文学連合」の「このほど」はこの文を現在完了形で表現すると、その気分が出るでしょう。

 

2.       すでにan astronomerという言葉を使っているので、同じ言葉を使うと誰のことだか明確になります。

 

添削後の文章

 

An astronomer, who lived in the City of Hatano in Kanagawa Prefecture, found a new asteroid. The new asteroid has been officially recognized by the International Astronomical Union (IAU, the headquarters in Paris) and named “HATANO” following the astronomer’s  request.

 

 

読者からの投稿 17(Yoshi, 12 November 09

 

An astronomer living in Hatano City, Kanagawa Prefecture found an asteroid. The asteroid was officially certified by the International Astronomical Union in the head office of Paris and named Hatano as the astronomer hoped.

 

添削

 

An astronomer living in Hatano City, Kanagawa Prefecture, found an asteroid. The asteroid was officially certified recognized by the International Astronomical Union at in the head office in of Paris and named Hatano as the astronomer hoped wanted1.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       hopeだと「希望するけれど実現しないかもしれない」ですが、want「このようにして欲しい」です。日本文では「希望」となっていますが、国際天文学連合は発見者のつけて欲しい名前をつけるようですから、wantが妥当でしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

An astronomer living in Hatano City, Kanagawa Prefecture, found an asteroid. The asteroid was officially recognized by the International Astronomical Union at the head office in Paris and named Hatano as the astronomer wanted.

 

 

読者からの投稿 16(mxtomi, 19 August 09

 

An asteroid which had been discovered by an amateur astronomer living in Hadano City, Kanagawa has recently been officially recognized by the International Astronomical Union(IAU, headquartered in Paris). It has been named “Hadano” as the discoverer so desired.

 

添削

 

An asteroid which had been discovered by an amateur astronomer living in Hadano City, Kanagawa has recently been officially recognized by the International Astronomical Union (IAU, headquartered in Paris). It The asteroid was has been named “Hadano” as the discoverer wanted so desired.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。

 

添削後の文章

 

An asteroid which had been discovered by an amateur astronomer living in Hadano City, Kanagawa has recently been officially recognized by the International Astronomical Union (IAU, headquartered in Paris). The asteroid was named “Hadano” as the discoverer wanted .

 

 

読者からの投稿 15(かい、8 July 08

 

An astronomer living in Hatano City, Kanagawa Prefecture discovered an asteroid. Recently, the International Astronomical Union (IAU, Headquarters in Paris) have officially certified the asteroid and named as it “Hatano” as the discoverer's request.

 

添削

 

An astronomer living in Hatano City, Kanagawa Prefecture, discovered an asteroid. Recently, the International Astronomical Union (IAU, Headquarters in Paris) has have officially certified the asteroid and named as it “Hatano” as at the discoverer's request.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。

 

添削後の文章

 

An astronomer living in Hatano City, Kanagawa Prefecture, discovered an asteroid. Recently, the International Astronomical Union (IAU, Headquarters in Paris) has officially certified the asteroid and named it “Hatano” at the discoverer's request.

 

 

読者からの投稿 14(kk, 23 February 08

 

An astronomer in Hatano City, Kanagawa Prefecture discovered a new asteroid. Recently, the International Astronomical Union (IAU) in Paris officially acknowledged and named the asteroid as "Hatano", which was the discoverer's choice.

 

添削

 

An astronomer in Hatano City, Kanagawa Prefecture discovered a new asteroid. Recently, the International Astronomical Union (IAU) in Paris officially acknowledged the asteroid1 and named it the asteroid as "Hatano", which was the discoverer's choice.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。簡潔な文章です。

 

1.       目的語が必要です。

 

添削後の文章

 

An astronomer in Hatano City, Kanagawa Prefecture discovered a new asteroid. Recently, the International Astronomical Union (IAU) in Paris officially acknowledged the asteroid and named it as "Hatano", which was the discoverer's choice.

 

 

読者からの投稿 13(dunkel, 23 November 07

 

An astronomer lived in Hatano City Kanagawa Prefecture found a new asteroid. It was registered by the International Astronomical Union in Paris recently and named "Hatano". This name came from the request of the finder.

 

添削

 

An astronomer lived in Hatano City Kanagawa Prefecture found a new asteroid. It was recently registered by the International Astronomical Union in Paris recently and named "Hatano". This name came from the request of the finder.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。ただし、lived livingまたは省略します。

 

添削後の文章

 

An astronomer in Hatano City Kanagawa Prefecture found a new asteroid. It was recently registered by the International Astronomical Union in Paris and named "Hatano". This name came from the request of the finder.

 

 

読者からの投稿 12(マーチャン、18 September 07

 

A new asteroid was discovered by an astronomer living in Hatano City in Kanagawa Prefecture. Recently this asteroid was officially recognized by the International Astronomical Union in Paris and was named "Hatano" as the finder had wanted.

 

添削

 

A new asteroid was discovered by an astronomer living in Hatano City in Kanagawa Prefecture. Recently this asteroid was officially recognized by the International Astronomical Union in Paris and was named "Hatano" as the finder had wanted.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。

 

読者からの投稿 11(散歩人、20 April 07

 

The asteroid found by a astronomer who lives in Hatano cCity, of Kanagawa pPrefecture, is recently approved by International Astronomical Union (IAU, Paris) and is named "HATANO" as the discoverer's request.

 

添削

 

The asteroid found by a astronomer who lives in Hatano city of Kanagawa prefecture is was recently approved recognized1 by the International Astronomical Union (IAU, Paris) and is was named "HATANO" as at the discoverer's request.

 

コメント

 

1.       新しく発見された小惑星であることを正式に認めた、ということなので、was recognizedがよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

The asteroid found by a astronomer who lives in Hatano city of Kanagawa prefecture was recently recognized by the International Astronomical Union (IAU, Paris) and was named "HATANO" at the discoverer's request.

 

 

読者からの投稿 10(吉、17 December 06

 

An asteroid, which had been found by an astronomer living in Hatano-City in Kanagawa Prefecture, has been accredited by the International Astronomical Union (IAU, headquartered in Paris), and named "Hatano” as he desired.

 

添削

 

An asteroid, which had been found by an astronomer living in Hatano-City in Kanagawa Prefecture, has been accredited officially recognized1 by the International Astronomical Union (IAU, headquartered in Paris), and named "Hatano” as he the astronomer had2 desired.

 

コメント

 

1.       accreditCOBUILD辞書によるとIf an educational qualification or institution is accredited, it is officially declared to be of an approved standard.というようなときに使われるので、ここでは be officially recognized がよいでしょう。

 

2.       一つの文章に幾つも名詞が出てくるので(人称名詞はひとつですが)、ここでthe astronomerと書いたほうがわかりやすいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

An asteroid, which had been found by an astronomer living in Hatano-City in Kanagawa Prefecture, has been officially recognized by the International Astronomical Union (IAU, headquartered in Paris) and named "Hatano” as the astronomer had desired.

 

 

読者からの投稿 9(岩ちゃん、24 November 06

 

A minor planet was discovered by an astronomer living in Hatano City in Kanagawa Prefecture. Recently this minor planet was officially recognized by the International Astronomical Union that has the head office in Paris. "Hatano" was named as the finder had wanted.

 

添削

 

A new asteroid1 minor planet was discovered by an astronomer living in Hatano City in Kanagawa Prefecture. Recently this asteroid minor planet was officially recognized by the International Astronomical Union that has the head office2 in Paris. and was named3  "Hatano" was named as the finder had wanted.

 

コメント

 

1.       太陽を回る隕石はasteroid と言います。

 

2.       添削のように簡略にしてよいでしょう。

 

3.       We named our baby John. (Our baby was named John.) という形ですから “Hatano” was named. The asteroid was named “Hatano.”となります。

 

添削後の文章

 

A new asteroid was discovered by an astronomer living in Hatano City in Kanagawa Prefecture. Recently this asteroid was officially recognized by the International Astronomical Union in Paris and was named "Hatano" as the finder had wanted.

 

 

読者からの投稿 8(moppy, 30 August 06

 

This time, an asteroid was officially recognized by International Astronomical Union (the head officeParis). Having been discovered by an astronomer living in Hadano Kanagawa at Japan, the asteroid was named "Hadano" according to his hopes.

 

添削

 

This time, Recently1 an a new asteroid was officially recognized by the International Astronomical Union (the head office in Paris). Having been discovered by an astronomer living in Hatdano City in Kanagawa Prefecture, at Japan, the asteroid was named "Hadtano" according to his hopes request2.

 

コメント

 

1.       「このたび」は「最近のことですが」と言った意味でしょう。this timeとするとthat timeが前にあったような印象になります。

 

2.       according to his hopeとすると、「秦野と命名してくれたらいいな思っていた」ですが、多分、秦野と命名して欲しい、という要請をしていたのでしょうから、according to his requestとしました。

 

添削後の文章

 

Recently a new asteroid was officially recognized by the International Astronomical Union (the head office in Paris). Having been discovered by an astronomer living in Hatano City in Kanagawa Prefecture, Japan, the asteroid was named "Hatano" according to his request.

 

 

読者からの投稿 7(kappa2005, 12 March 06

 

Minor plants which was discovered by a astronomer living in Hatano city, Kanagawa prefecture has recently been certified by IAU (International Astronomy Union (IAU, Head Office is in Paris) and named as “Hatano” according to the desire of the discover. 

 

添削

 

Minor The small planet1 plants which was discovered by a astronomer living in Hatano cCity, Kanagawa pPrefecture has recently been certified by IAU (International Astronomy Union (IAU, Hhead Ooffice is in Paris) and named as “Hatano” according to the desire of the discoverer. 

 

このとき見つけた小惑星は一つだけですね。文書作成プログラムのスペルチェックで見付からないミススペルが文章に残ることがあります。日本語の漢字変換で起きるほど面白いものは無いですが、これはけっこう面白いですね。

 

添削後の文章

 

The small planet which was discovered by a astronomer living in Hatano City, Kanagawa Prefecture has recently been certified by IAU (International Astronomy Union (IAU, head office is in Paris) and named as “Hatano” according to the desire of the discoverer. 

 

読者からの投稿 6(rikarika, 18 August 05

 

International Astronomical Union (IAU, Paris) certified a small planet which was found by an astronomer living in Hatano Kanagawa. The IAU named the new planet ‘’Hatano’’ as the discoverer was requested.

 

添削

 

The International Astronomical Union (IAU, Paris) certified a small planet which was found by an astronomer living in Hatano, Kanagawa. The IAU named the new planet ‘’Hatano’’ as the discoverer was requested.

 

コメント

 

わかりやすい英文ですね。

 

添削後の文章

 

The International Astronomical Union (IAU, Paris) certified a small planet which was found by an astronomer living in Hatano, Kanagawa. The IAU named the new planet ‘’Hatano’’ as the discoverer requested.

 

 

読者からの投稿 5(かっぱん、13 April 05

 

The asteroid found by an astronomer living in Hatano City of Kanagawa was certified by the International Astronomical Union (IAU) in Paris. IAU named the asteroid “Hatano” as the astronomer requested.

 

添削

 

The asteroid found by an astronomer living in Hatano City of Kanagawa Prefecture1 was certified by the International Astronomical Union (IAU) in Paris. IAU2 named the asteroid “Hatano” as the astronomer requested.

 

コメント

 

1.       県名と県庁所在地名が同じ所も多いので、一般的にPrefectureと入れておいたほうがよいでしょう。

 

2.       IAUを主語にしたのがよいですね。日本文と英文の主語の選択が異なるという良い例です。

 

添削後の文章

 

The asteroid found by an astronomer living in Hatano City of Kanagawa Prefecture was certified by the International Astronomical Union (IAU) in Paris. IAU named the asteroid “Hatano” as the astronomer requested.

 

 

読者からの投稿 4 (tama, 2 April 04)

 

The asteroid found by an astronomer living in Hatano City of Kanagawa Prefecture has formally been certified in International Astronomical Union (IAU, headquarters in Paris), and  has been named “ Hatano” as the request of the astronomer.

 

添削

 

The asteroid found by an astronomer living in Hatano City of Kanagawa Prefecture has formally been certified in by the International Astronomical Union (IAU, headquarteredrs in Paris), and  has been named “ Hatano” as at the request of the astronomer.

 

コメント

 

tamaさんはわかりやすい英文で日本文の内容を表現しています。プレイン・イングリッシュでは通常は能動態のほうが受動態より内容をより明確に表現する、といいますが、この場合はThe IAU certified the asteroid.とするより、小惑星に重点をおいてtamaさんのように受動態にするのが妥当です。

 

添削後の文章

 

The asteroid found by an astronomer living in Hatano City of Kanagawa Prefecture has formally been certified by the International Astronomical Union (IAU, headquartered in Paris), and has been named “ Hatano” at the request of the astronomer.

 

読者からの投稿 3(tonton, 1 May 03

 

International Astronomy Union (IAU), its headquarter in Paris, recently recognized an asteroid which was discovered by an astronomer who lives in Hatano City, Kanagawa Prefecture.  IAU named the asteroid "Hatano" as the discoverer's wishes.  

 

添削

 

The International Astronomy Union (IAU), its headquarter 1-in Paris ,  recently recognized an asteroid which was-2 discovered by an Japanese astronomer who lives in Hatano City, Kanagawa Prefecture. The IAU has named the asteroid "Hatano" as the discoverer's wisheds.  

 

コメント

 

1.       添削のように省略して良いです。Tontonさんは国際天文学連合の英語の正式名称を調べてありますね。最近の辞書にはこのような団体の正式名称が乗っているのもが多く、またごく最近の新しい団体の名称はInternetで調べられます。

 

2.       ここではwhichwhoと関係代名詞が二つ文の中にあるので、前のほうをこのように省略すると文が簡潔になります。

 

 

添削後の文章

 

The International Astronomy Union (IAU) in Paris recently recognized an asteroid discovered by an Japanese astronomer who lives in Hatano City, Kanagawa Prefecture. The IAU has named the asteroid "Hatano" as the discoverer wished.

 

 

読者からの投稿 2(イズミ、26 Feb 03

 

The International Astronomical Union (IAU located in Paris) recognized formally a new small planet that was discovered by an astronomer living at Hatano in Kanagawa Prefecture and named it “Hatano” as requested by the astronomer.

 

添削

 

The International Astronomical Union (IAU) located in Paris) formally recognized formally a new small planet that was discovered1 by an astronomer living at Hatano in Kanagawa Prefecture. and IAU2 named it the small planet “Hatano” as requested by the astronomer.

 

コメント

 

1.       ここはa new small planet that had been discovered by an astronomer ~となりますが、添削のように関係代名詞を省略しても意味ははっきりしています。

 

2.       文が長くなるので、ここでいったん文を切って二つにすると読みやすくなります。

 

添削後の文章

 

The International Astronomical Union (IAU) in Paris formally recognized a new small planet discovered by an astronomer at Hatano in Kanagawa Prefecture. IAU named the small planet “Hatano” as requested by the astronomer.

 

 

読者からの投稿 1(かえで、24 Feb 03

 

Recently, the International Astronomy Union (IAU, Headquarters in Paris) officially certified an existence of a new asteroid discovered by an astronomer who lives in Hatano-city of Kanagawa-ken. The asteroid was named ”Hatano” as the discoverer proposed.

 

添削

 

Recently, the International Astronomyical Union (IAU), Headquarters in Paris ) officially certified an the existence1 of a new asteroid discovered by an astronomer who lives in Hatano, of Kanagawa-ken Prefecture2. The asteroid was named ”Hatano”3 as the discoverer had proposed.

 

コメント

 

1.       日本文では「小惑星が正式に認定された」ですが、IAU certifies a new asteroid.では小惑星の何を認定したか分かりませんから、かえでさんのようにここに認定した対象をいれると意味がはっきりします。IAU recognized a new asteroid.とすればrecognizeには、存在を確認する、という意味があるので文が簡単になります。

 

2.       「私は神奈川県秦野市に住んでいます。」は正確に言えば I live in the City of Hatano in the Prefecture of Kanagawa.ですが、簡単に I live in Hatano, Kanagawa Prefecture.でよいとおもいます。

 

3.       引用句で囲ってあるので前のHatanoと関連していることがはっきりしてよいですね。

 

添削後の文章

 

Recently, the International Astronomical Union (IAU) in Paris officially certified the existence of a new asteroid discovered by an astronomer in Hatano, Kanagawa Prefecture. The asteroid was named ”Hatano” as the discoverer had proposed.

 

 

練習問題 33

 

神奈川県内の小中学校などで先週(119日から25日まで)、インフルエンザで生徒計三千五十五人が欠席した。昨年同時期の五百十四人と比べ、約六倍に上った。

 

読者からの投稿 25(owl, 31 December 13

 

Last week (January 19th to 25th), a total of 3,035 students and pupils were absent from school due to the influenza at junior high and elementary schools in Kanagawa Prefecture. This number was approximately six times as large as that recorded during the same period last year, which had been 514.

 

添削

 

Last week (January 19th to 25th), a total of 3,035 students and pupils were absent from school due to the influenza at junior high and elementary schools in Kanagawa Prefecture. This number was approximately six times as large as that recorded during the same period last year, which was had been 514.

 

コメント

 

内容のすべてがわかります。

 

添削後の文章

 

Last week (January 19th to 25th), a total of 3,035 students and pupils were absent from school due to influenza at junior high and elementary schools in Kanagawa Prefecture. This number was approximately six times as large as that recorded during the same period last year, which was 514.

 

 

読者からの投稿 24(sasuke, 17 December 17

 

At elementary and junior high schools in Kanagawa Prefecture, total of 3,055 pupils were absent with flu last week(from January 19 to 25). That's six times of the number of pupils in the same time in last year, 514 pupils.

 

添削

 

At elementary and junior high schools in Kanagawa Prefecture, a total of 3,055 pupils were absent with flu last week(from January 19 to 25). That's was six times as large as of the number of pupils absent in the same period time in last year,( 514 pupils).

 

コメント

 

内容のすべてがわかります。

 

添削後の文章

 

At elementary and junior high schools in Kanagawa Prefecture, a total of 3,055 pupils were absent with flu last week(from January 19 to 25). That was six times as large as the number of pupils absent in the same period last year( 514 pupils).

 

 

読者からの投稿 23(文月、25 September 13

 

During the last week, from January 19th to 25th, a total of 3,055 pupils were absent from school due to influenza in primary and junior high schools in Kanagawa Prefecture. This is about six times as large as 514 pupils in the equivalent period in the last year.

 

添削

 

During the last week, from January 19th to 25th, a total of 3,055 pupils were absent from school due to influenza in primary and junior high schools in Kanagawa Prefecture. This is about six times as large as 514 pupils in the same equivalent period in the last year.

 

コメント

 

内容のすべてがわかります。

 

添削後の文章

 

During the last week, from January 19th to 25th, a total of 3,055 pupils were absent from school due to influenza in primary and junior high schools in Kanagawa Prefecture. This is about six times as large as 514 pupils in the same period last year.

 

 

読者からの投稿 22(Valley winds, 5 June 12

 

In elementary schools and junior high schools in Kanagawa Prefecture last week, from Jan.19 to 25, a total of 3,055 students were absent with flu. This was six times compared with 514 students the same time last year 

 

添削

 

In At elementary schools and junior high schools in Kanagawa Prefecture last week, from Jan.19 to 251, a total of 3,055 students were absent with flu last week from January 19 to 25. This was six times compared as large as with 514 students absent in the same period2 time last year 

 

コメント

 

内容のすべてがわかります。

 

1.       これが修飾句に入ると少し長すぎるので文尾に置きます。

 

2.       一週間なのでperiodにしたほうがよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

At elementary schools and junior high schools in Kanagawa Prefecture, a total of 3,055 students were absent with flu last week from January 19 to 25. This was six times as large as 514 students absent in the same period last year 

 

 

読者からの投稿 21(あんこ、15 May 10

 

At elementary and junior high schools in Kanagawa Prefecture, 514 students caught the influenza and were absent from school last year. Last week of this year (from January 19th to 25th), in total 3055 students were absent from school. This figure was six times larger than the same time last year.

 

添削

 

At elementary and junior high schools in Kanagawa Prefecture, 514 students caught the influenza and were absent from school last year from January 19 to 25. In the same period Last week of this year (from January 19th to 25th), in total 3, 055 students were absent from school. This figure was six times as larger as than the same time last year.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかりますが、今年の話を文章の最初に置いたほうがわかりやすいでしょう。次のようになります。Last week (from January 19 to 25), a total of 3,055 students were absent due to flu at elementary and junior high schools in Kanagawa Prefecture. This was six times as large as 514 students who were absent in the same period last year.

 

添削後の文章

 

At elementary and junior high schools in Kanagawa Prefecture, 514 students caught influenza and were absent from school last year from January 19 to 25. In the same period  this year, 3,055 students were absent . This was six times as large as last year.

 

 

読者からの投稿 20(Tatsuo, 28 February 10

 

Last week (between January 19 and 25) totally 3,055 school students of the primary schools and the junior high schools in Kanagawa Prefecture were on sick leave with the influenza. The number of the absent students in last year was only 514 students. This year’s figure rose to about six times as compared with the same period of last year.

 

添削

 

Last week (between January 19 and 25) totally a total of 3,055 school students of the primary schools and the junior high schools in Kanagawa Prefecture were on sick leave with due to the influenza. The number of the absent students in the same week1 last year was only 514 students. This year’s figure rose to about six times as large as2 as compared with the same period of last year.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。

 

ここに入れたほうがわかりやすいでしょう。

 

six times as large as the same week last yearという文型になります。

 

添削後の文章

Last week (between January 19 and 25) a total of 3,055 students of primary schools and junior high schools in Kanagawa Prefecture were on sick leave due to influenza. The number of the absent students in the same week last year was only 514 students. This year’s figure rose to about six times as large as last year.

 

 

読者からの投稿 19(あすか、13 February 10

 

The total of 3,055 students of elementary and junior high schools in Kanagawa Prefecture were absent from school due to flu last week (from January 19 to 25). The number of absentees increased nearly six times as many as 514 students who were absent from school with the flu in the same period last year.

 

添削

 

The total of 3,055 students of elementary and junior high schools in Kanagawa Prefecture were absent from school due to flu last week (from January 19 to 25). The number of absentees increased nearly six times from as many as 514 students who were absent from school with the flu1 in the same period last year.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       The number of absentees was six times as many as the same period last year.または 添削のようになります。

 

添削後の文章

 

The total of 3,055 students of elementary and junior high schools in Kanagawa Prefecture were absent from school due to flu last week (from January 19 to 25). The number of absentees increased nearly six times from 514 students in the same period last year.

 

 

読者からの投稿 18(Yoshi, 16 November 09

 

3,055 students were absent in junior high schools and high schools in Kanagawa Prefecture due to influenza last week, from January 19th to the 25th. It increased six times during the same time last year when 540 students were absent.

 

添削

 

The total of1 3,055 students were absent at in the junior high schools and high schools in Kanagawa Prefecture due to influenza last week, from January 19th to the 25th. The number2 It increased six times from during the same period time last year when 540 students were absent.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       数字で文を始めると読みにくいので、このようなおまけをつけるとよいでしょう。

 

2.       短い文章ですが、前の文にいろいろな名詞が出てくるので、itではなくて名詞を繰り返すとはっきりします。

 

添削後の文章

 

The total of 3,055 students were absent at the junior high schools and high schools in Kanagawa Prefecture due to influenza last week from January 19th to the 25th. The number increased six times from the same period last year when 540 students were absent.

 

 

読者からの投稿 17(mxtomi, 19 August 09

 

The flu kept a total of 3,055 elementary and junior high schoolers in Kanagawa Prefecture from attending the class last week (January 19th through 26th). The number represents a phenomenal sixfold increase as opposed to 514 for the same period a year earlier.

 

添削

 

The flu kept a total of 3,055 elementary and junior high schoolers school students in Kanagawa Prefecture absent from school from attending the class last week (January 19th through 26th). The number represents a phenomenal sixfold six fold increase from as opposed to 514 for the same period last a year earlier1.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       last weekと文章にあるので、ここはlast yearのほうが具体的です。

 

添削後の文章

 

The flu kept a total of 3,055 elementary and junior high school students in Kanagawa Prefecture absent from school last week (January 19th through 26th). The number represents a phenomenal six fold increase from 514 for the same period last year.

 

 

読者からの投稿 16(かい、9 July 08

 

The sum of people of elementary and junior high school who were absent from school last week(from January 19 through January 25) was 3,055. Compared with the number of 514 people at the same time last year, the number of this year has increased six times as many as last year's.

 

添削

 

Due to the influenza, a total of 3,055 students were absent atThe sum of people of elementary and junior high schools who were absent in Kanagawa Prefecture from school last week(from January 19 through January 25) was 3,055. Compared with the number of 514 people students absent at the same time last year, the number of students absent this year has increased six times as many as last year's.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかりますが、最初の文で何故欠席したか理由が書いてありません。

 

1.       The total of 3,035 students were absent.という形式のほうがわかりやすいです。

 

2.       既にcompared with ~ last yearとあるので、これは要りません。

 

添削後の文章

 

Due to the influenza, a total of 3,055 students were absent at elementary and junior high schools in Kanagawa Prefecture last week(from January 19 through January 25). Compared with 514 students absent at the same time last year, the number of students absent this year has increased six times.

 

 

読者からの投稿 15(kk, 24 February 08

 

Last week, from January 19 to 25, at elementary schools and junior high schools in Kanagawa Prefecture, a total of 3,055 students were absent from school due to the flu. Compared to the number of 514 in the same period last year, the number this year was almost six times larger than last year.

 

添削

 

Last week (, from January 19 to 25), at elementary schools and junior high schools in Kanagawa Prefecture, a total of 3,055 students were absent from school due to the flu at elementary schools and junior high schools in Kanagawa Prefecture1. Compared to the number of 514 students absent during in the same period last year, the number this year was almost six times as large as larger than last year.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       文章の始めに大勢の生徒が欠席した、ということを述べるのがよいです。

 

添削後の文章

 

Last week (January 19 to 25) , a total of 3,055 students were absent from school due to the flu at elementary schools and junior high schools in Kanagawa Prefecture. Compared to  514 students absent during the same period last year, the number this year was almost six times as large as last year.

 

 

読者からの投稿 14(dunkel, 25 November 07

 

Last week from January 19 to 25, 3,055 elementary and junior high school students were absent from school because of the flu in Kanagawa Prefecture. It was six times larger than 514 which was the number of the same period last year.

 

添削

 

Last week from January 19 nineteenth to 25 twenty-fifth1, 3,055 elementary and junior high school students were absent from school because of the flu in Kanagawa Prefecture. They were2 It was six times larger as large as than 514 students who were absent which was the number of during the same period last year.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       January 19 to 25, 3,055 elementary and junior high school studentsと数字が続くと読みにくくなります。どちらかの数字をアルファベットで記述するとよいでしょう。

 

2.       前の文students を受けるのでthey になります。

 

添削後の文章

 

Last week from January nineteenth to twenty-fifth, 3,055 elementary and junior high school students were absent from school because of the flu in Kanagawa Prefecture. They were  six times as large as 514 students who were absent during the same period last year.

 

 

読者からの投稿 13(マーチャン、1 October 07

 

Three thousand fifty-five students were absent from elementary and junior high schools in Kanagawa Prefecture last week (from January 19 to 25) because of flu. Compared with the same time last year when five hundred fourteen students were absent from schools, the number of students absent this year reached about six times as large as last year.

 

添削

 

Three thousand fifty-five students were absent from elementary and junior high schools in Kanagawa Prefecture last week (from January 19 to 25) because of the flu. Compared with the same time period last year when five hundred fourteen students were absent from schools, the number of students absent this year reached about six times as large as last year.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。

 

添削後の文章

 

Three thousand fifty-five students were absent from elementary and junior high schools in Kanagawa Prefecture last week (from January 19 to 25) because of the flu. Compared with the same period last year when five hundred fourteen students were absent, the number of students absent this year reached about six times as large as last year.

 

 

読者からの投稿 12(散歩人、21 April 07

 

Influenza caused 3050 students who attend elementary schools, junior high schools and so on in Kanagawa Prefecture not to be at school last week (from January 19 to 25). The absentee was six times in comparison with 514 students who were absent from school at the same time last year.

 

添削

 

Influenza caused 3,050 students who attend in elementary and schools, junior high schools and so on 1in Kanagawa Prefecture not to be able to attend at school last week (from January 19 to 25). The number of absentees was six times as large as in comparison with 514 students2 who were absent from school at the same time last year.

 

コメント

 

1.       添削のような簡略な表現でよいでしょう。

 

2.       six times as large as 514 students last yearと表現します。

 

添削後の文章

 

Influenza caused 3,050 students in elementary and junior high schools in Kanagawa Prefecture not to be able to attend school last week (from January 19 to 25). The number of absentees was six times as large as 514 students who were absent from school at the same time last year.

 

 

 

読者からの投稿 11(吉、19 December 06

 

Last week (from January 19th to 25th), 3,055 students of elementary and junior high school were absent with the flu in Kanagawa Prefecture. This figure is almost six times as many as 514 students the same period of last year.

 

添削

 

Last week (from January 19th to 25th), 3,055 students of elementary and junior high schools were absent with the flu in Kanagawa Prefecture. This figure is almost six times as many as 514 students who were absent1 in the same period of last year2.

 

コメント

 

1.       as many asと比較をしているので、512 students の説明が必要です。

 

2.       the same period last yearlast year を副詞句として使うのが一般的です。

 

添削後の文章

 

Last week (from January 19th to 25th), 3,055 students of elementary and junior high schools were absent with flu in Kanagawa Prefecture. This figure is almost six times as many as 514 students who were absent in the same period last year.

 

 

読者からの投稿 10(岩ちゃん、24 November 06

 

Three thousand fifty-five students was absent from elementary and junior high schools in Kanagawa Prefecture because of flu last week (from January 19 to 25) . Compared with the same time last year when five hundred fourteen students were absent from schools, this number reached about six times.

 

添削

 

Three thousand fifty-five students was were absent from elementary and junior high schools in Kanagawa Prefecture because of flu last week (from January 19 to 25) because of flu . Compared with the same time last year when five hundred fourteen students were absent from schools, this the number of students absent this year1 reached about six times as large as last year1.

 

コメント

 

1.       Compared with ~の節が長いので、ここでもう一度添削のように内容の説明をはっきりとするのがよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

Three thousand fifty-five students were absent from elementary and junior high schools in Kanagawa Prefecture last week (from January 19 to 25) because of flu. Compared with the same time last year when five hundred fourteen students were absent from schools, the number of students absent this year reached about six times as large as last year.

 

 

読者からの投稿 9(moppy, 2 September 06

 

Elementary school and secondary school 3055 students in Kanagawa prefecture were absence due to influenza last week(from Jan 19 to Jan 25). Compared with 415 students absence of the same period in last year, number of student's absence went up six fold this year.

 

添削

 

Three thousand and fifty-five students1 at Eelementary school and secondary schools 3055 students in Kanagawa pPrefecture were absencet due to influenza last week(from January 19 to Jan 25). Compared with 415 four-hundred and fifteen2 students absencet during of the same period in last year, the number of absent student's absence went up six fold this year.

 

コメント

 

1.       3,55 students at ~と数字を文頭に置くと、文の形が落ち着きませんね。それで投稿のように工夫されたのでしょう。しかし3055はこの位置には入りません。At elementary and secondary schools in Kanagawa Prefecture, 3055 students were absent ~.という順序にする方法もありますが、添削のように数字をアルファベットで書いて文頭に置く方法もあります。

 

2.       前の文に合わせてこのようにしました。

 

添削後の文章

 

Three thousand and fifty-five students at elementary and secondary schools in Kanagawa Prefecture were absent due to influenza last week (from January 19 to 25). Compared with four-hundred and fifteen students absent during the same period last year, the number of absent students went up six fold this year.

 

 

読者からの投稿 8(tange, 18 April 06

 

Three thousand and fifty five pupils were absent from elementary and junior high school from the 19th of January to the 25th in Kanagawa Prefecture because of the flu. The number is about six times comparing to the same period last year.

 

添削

 

Three thousand and fifty five pupils were absent with the flue1 from elementary and junior high schools from the 19th to 25th2 of January to the 25th in Kanagawa Prefecture because of the flu. The number is was 3about six times as large as that in comparing to the same period last year.

 

コメント

 

1.       欠席の原因を早めに文に入れたほうが内容がわかりやすくなります。

 

2.       こうすると表現が簡単になります。

 

3.       既に過去の出来事についての数字なので、過去形にします。

 

添削後の文章

 

Three thousand and fifty five pupils were absent with the flue from elementary and junior high schools from the 19th to 25th of January in Kanagawa Prefecture. The number was about six times as large as that in the same period last year.

 

 

読者からの投稿 7(kappa 2005, 12 March 06

 

In several elementary schools and junior high schools in Kanagawa prefecture, three thousand fifty five students in total was absent from school due flue last week (from 10 January to 25 January). It amounts about six times as much as the number of five hundred and four in the same period of last year

 

添削

 

In several elementary schools and junior high schools in Kanagawa pPrefecture, three thousand and fifty five students in total was were1 absent from school due flue last week (from January 10 January to 25 January). It2 The total number of absent students amountsed about six times as much many as the number of five hundred and four students absent3 in the same period of last year

 

添削

 

1.       three thousand and fifty five students in totalin totalは「全体で」という副詞句になるので、主語がthree thousand and fifty five studentsの複数になります。

 

2.       Itは単数形ですから、これが指す名詞が未だ無いことになります。

 

3.       添削のようにstudent absentを補充するとわかりやすくなります。短い文章の中でも、文意を明確にするためには、同じ名詞の繰り返しが必要です。

 

添削後の文章

 

In several elementary schools and junior high schools in Kanagawa Prefecture, three thousand and fifty five students in total were absent from school due flue last week (from January 10 January to 25). The total number of absent students amounted about six times as many as the number of five hundred and four students absent3 in the same period of last year.

 

 

読者からの投稿 6(rikarika, 18 August 05

 

At primary and junior high schools in Kanagawa, total 3055 school children were absent with flu last week (Jan.19- 25.) The number of absentee became six times as many at the same time of last year, 514 absentee.

 

添削

 

At primary and junior high schools in Kanagawa, the total of 3,055 school children were absent with flu last week (January.19-to 25.) The number of absentee became six times as many as 514 absentees1 at the same time of last year2, 514 absentee.

 

コメント

 

1.       「今年の参加者は去年の30人の2倍近かった。」The number of participants this year was almost twice as large as 20 participants last year.という文型になります。覚えておくと便利です。

 

2.       last yearは副詞句として使えるので前置詞がいりません。

 

 添削後の文章

 

At primary and junior high schools in Kanagawa, the total of 3,055 school children were absent with flu last week (January19 to 25) The number of absentee became six times as many as 514 absentees at the same time last year.

 

 

読者からの投稿 5(かっぱん、13 April 05

 

Last week (January 19 to 25), the total of 3,055 students were absent from school with the flu in primary and junior high school students in Kanagawa Prefecture. This is approximately 6 times as many as the 544 students in the same period of last year.

 

添削

 

Last week (January 19 to 25), the total of 3,055 students were absent from school with the flu in primary and junior high schools students in Kanagawa Prefecture. This is was1 approximately 6 times as many as the 544 students absent2 in the same period of last year.

 

コメント

 

1.       まえの文に合わせて過去形にします。

 

2.       無くてもわかりますが、入れておくと読者に親切です。読者はここの所を読むときに頭の中で544 students absentと考えているので、absentを入れておくと頭で考えたことの確認になり気分がすっきりします(大げさですが、頭の中で文章の内容の認識は多分こんな風になっているでしょう。)

 

添削後の文章

 

Last week (January 19 to 25), the total of 3,055 students were absent from school with the flu in primary and junior high schools in Kanagawa Prefecture. This was approximately 6 times as many as 544 students absent in the same period of last year.

 

 

読者からの投稿 4 (マウント60、8 July 04)

 

A total of 3,055 students at elementary and junior high schools in Kanagawa Prefecture were absent from school due to the flu last week (from January 19 through 25). The number is a roughly sixfold increase over 514 of the same period of last year.

 

添削

 

A total of 3,055 students at elementary and junior high schools in Kanagawa Prefecture were absent from school due to the flu last week (from January 19 through to 25). The number is was1 roughly a roughly six fold increase over 514 students absent during of the same period of last year.

 

コメント

 

1.       前の文が過去形なので、ここでも過去形で統一したほうが良いでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

A total of 3,055 students at elementary and junior high schools in Kanagawa Prefecture were absent from school due to the flu last week (from January 19 to 25). The number was roughly a six fold increase over 514 students absent during the same period last year.

 

 

読者からの投稿 3(tama, 17 April 04

 

Last week, from January 19th through January 25th, three thousands fifty students of elementary schools and of junior high schools in Kanagawa Prefecture were absent from school because of Influenza. The number of absent students became about six times as many as absent students of five hundreds fifteen at the same time of last year

 

添削

 

Last week, from January 19th through January 25th, three thousands and fifty students of in elementary schools and of junior high schools in Kanagawa Prefecture were absent from school because of they were sick with the Iinfluenza1. The number of absent students became about six times as many as the absent students of five hundreds and fifteen absent students2 at in the same time period3 of last year

 

コメント

 

1.       because of ~ 〜の理由で、はbecause (sentence)を短くした形なのでof の後ろに読者がわかるような説明の名詞、名詞句、名詞節が必要です。because of the influenzaだと説明不足になります。They were absent from school with the influenza.とするか、またはThey were absent because they were sick with the influenza.とすると良いでしょう。

 

2.       Six times as many as AAのところに数字があるほうが読者にわかりやすくなります。

 

3.       1週間の期間なのでin the same timeではなく、in the same periodにします。

 

添削後の文章

 

Last week, from January 19th through January 25th, three thousand and fifty students in elementary schools and of junior high schools in Kanagawa Prefecture were absent from school because they were sick with the influenza. The number of absent students became about six times as many as the five hundred and fifteen absent students in the same period last year.

 

読者からの投稿 2(tonton, 1 May 03

 

Last week, from January 19th to 25th, because of the influenza three thousand and fifty five students were absent from elementary schools and junior high schools in Kanagawa Prefecture. In the corresponding week last year, five hundred and fourteen students were absent, and this means that number of the absent students this year is about six times larger than the one last year.   

 

添削

 

Last week, from - January the19th to the 25th, because of- the influenza made three thousand and fifty five students were - absent from elementary schools and junior high schools in Kanagawa Prefecture. In the corresponding week last year, five hundred and fourteen students were absent, and this means that number of the absent students this year is about six times larger than the one last year2.   

 

インフルエンザを主語にすればこのようになります。They were absent with the flue.という形でも良いでしょう。北米ではI got the flue.と省略してよく使われます。

 

Tontonさんは「昨年同時期の五百十四人と比べ、約六倍に上った。」の内容を良く理解して英文で表現しています。このような日本文の文脈の中ではわかる省略された文章の内容を英語で表現するときには内容を補足する必要があります。

 

添削後の文章

 

Last week, January the19th to the 25th, the influenza made three thousand and fifty five students absent from elementary schools and junior high schools in Kanagawa Prefecture. In the corresponding week last year, five hundred and fourteen students were absent, and this means that number of the absent students this year is about six times larger than the one last year.   

 

 

読者からの投稿 1(ごーや、13 March 03

 

Last week (from January 19 to 25), 3,035 primary and junior high school students were absent with the flue in Kanagawa Prefecture. The number of absent students was almost six times as large as that in the same period last year, that was, 544.

 

添削

 

Last week (from January 19 to 25), the total of 1 3,035 primary and junior high school students were absent with the flue in primary and junior high schools2 in Kanagawa Prefecture. The number of absent students was almost six times as large as the 544 students absent3 that in the same period last year, that was., . 544.

 

コメント

 

1.       the total of を入れたほうが文が読みやすくなります。文頭やコンマのあとに数字が来ると読みにくいので何か数字の前に短い句をつける工夫が必要です。

 

2.       名詞にかかる修飾句が長くなるので文の後方に移動したほうが良いでしょう。

 

3.       添削のようにすると文がすっきりします。

 

添削後の文章

 

Last week (January 19 to 25), the total of 3,035 students were absent with the flue in primary and junior high schools in Kanagawa Prefecture. The number of absent students was almost six times as large as the 544 students absent in the same period last year.

 

 

練習問題 34

 

コンビニ大手のローソンは、はがきや封書などを投かんできる郵便ポストを全国の約七千七百店舗に設置。2月1日午前零時から一斉に受け付けを始めた。

 

読者からの投稿 25(owl, 31 December 13

 

Lawson, a major convenience store chain, has installed postboxes in which people can mail letters and postcards in its approximately 7,700 stores nationwide. These stores started accepting letters and postcards en masse at midnight on February 1st.

 

添削

 

Lawson, a major convenience store chain, has installed postboxes for in which people can mail letters and postcards in its approximately 7,700 stores nationwide. These stores started accepting letters and postcards en masse at midnight on January 31st1 February 1st.

 

コメント

 

内容のすべてがわかります。

 

1.       At midnight on January 31stが1月31日の夜12時(24時)で、2月1日の零時とおなじです。

 

添削後の文章

 

Lawson, a major convenience store chain, has installed postboxes for mail in its approximately 7,700 stores nationwide. These stores started accepting letters and postcards en masse at midnight on January 31st1 .

 

 

読者からの投稿 24(sakuke, 21 December 13

 

Major convenience store chain, Lowson, has set up mailboxes which can be put postcards and envelopes at the about 7,700 stores across the country. They began to accept mails at 0 a.m. on February 1, simultaneously.

 

添削

 

A Mmajor convenience store chain, Laowson, has set up mailboxes for which can be put postcards and envelopes at its the about 7,700 stores across the country. The mail boxes They began to accept mails at 0 a.m. on February 1, simultaneously.

 

コメント

 

内容のすべてがわかります。

 

添削後の文章

 

A major convenience store chain, Lawson, has set up mailboxes for postcards and envelopes at its about 7,700 stores across the country. The mail boxes began to accept mail at 0 a.m. on February 1, simultaneously.

 

 

読者からの投稿 23(文月、27 September 13

 

Lawson, a Japanese major convenience store chain, set up public mailboxes, into which customers can put postal matters such as postcards or letters, at about 7,700 stores in all parts of Japan. All the stores started accepting postal matters on February 1st at midnight.

 

添削

 

Lawson, a Japanese major convenience store chain in Japan, set up public mailboxes, into which customers can put postal matters such as postcards or letters, at about 7,700 stores in all parts of Japan. All the stores started accepting postal matters at midnight on January 311 February 1st at midnight.

 

コメント

 

内容のすべてがわかります。

 

1.       at midnight on February 1は2月2日の午前零時になります。

 

添削後の投稿

 

Lawson, a major convenience store chain in Japan, set up mailboxes into which customers can put postal matters such as postcards or letters at about 7,700 stores in all parts of Japan. All the stores started accepting postal matters at midnight on January 31.

 

 

読者からの投稿 22(Valley winds, 5 June 12

 

The major convenient store Lawson set up mailboxes that can drop postcards and mails at about 7,700 stores throughout the country and began to accept them at the same time from Feb. 1 twelve midnight.

 

添削

 

The major convenient store chain, Lawson, set up mailboxes at their 7.700 stores throughout the country where their customers that could can drop postcards and sealed letters mails at about 7,700 stores throughout the country and began to accept mail them at the same time from Feb. 1 twelve midnight on January 31.

 

コメント

 

that can drop postcards and mailsが文章のここにあるので、文章全体の意味がわからなくなっています。

 

添削後の文章

 

The major convenient store chain, Lawson, set up mailboxes at their 7.700 stores throughout the country where their customers could drop postcards and sealed letters and began to accept mail at midnight on January 31.

 

 

読者からの投稿 21(あんこ、19 May 10

 

Lawson, a major convenience store chain in Japan, installed mailboxes at their seven thousands and seven hundreds stores across Japan. Customers now can put letters into the mailboxes at Lawson. This service has started at midnight on February second.

 

添削

 

Lawson, a major convenience store chain in Japan, installed mailboxes1 at their seven thousands and seven hundreds2 stores across Japan. Customers can now can2 put letters into the mailboxes at Lawson. This service has started at midnight on February second January 313.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかりますが、日付が日本文と違います。

 

1.       installed one mail box at each of their 7,700 stores;  two mail boxes at each of their 7,700 storesとすれば正確な表現になります。installed mailboxes at their 7,700 storesとすると、複数の郵便ポストを7,700の店舗のそれぞれにに設置した、と解釈するのが一般的でしょう。

 

2.       tens and hundreds「何十、何百という」という表現の時は複数形になりますが、ここではなりません。

 

3.       at midnight on February 2は2月2日から3日に変わるときの真夜中です。

 

添削後の文章

 

Lawson, a major convenience store chain in Japan, installed mailboxes at their seven thousand and seven hundred stores across Japan. Customers can now put letters into the mailbox at Lawson. This service has started at midnight on January 31.

 

 

読者からの投稿 20(Tatsuo, 28 February 10

 

Lawson, which is one of the largest convenience store chains in Japan, set up mailboxes about 7,700 stores in the country. These mailboxes accept letters and envelops. It started to use all together from 0 a.m. on February 1.

 

添削

 

Lawson, which is one of the largest convenience store chains in Japan, set up a mailboxes1 at its about 7,700 stores in the country. These mailboxes2 accepts postcards and letters and envelops. The service3 It started to use all together from at 0 a.m. on February 1.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の大部分はわかりますがIt started to use all together from 0 a.m. on February 1.

がわかりません。

 

1.       郵便箱が二つ置いてある店も見ましたが、ここでは「郵便箱を一つずつ、全国で7,700も店に置く」、でよいでしょう。

 

2.       The mailboxでこのような郵便箱も代表にします。

 

3.       「郵便を受け付けるサービス」はThe serviceで文脈からわかります。

 

添削後の文章

 

Lawson, which is one of the largest convenience store chains in Japan, set up a mailbox at its about 7,700 stores in the country. The mailbox accepts postcards and letters. The service started at 0 a.m. on February 1.

 

 

読者からの投稿 19(あすか、23 February 10

 

Lawson, a major convenience store chain, set up a mailbox for sending letters and postcards at its 7,700 stores in Japan, and started the mail services at midnight on January 31st.

 

添削

 

Lawson, a major convenience store chain, set up a mailbox for sending letters and postcards at its 7,700 stores nationwide in Japan, and started the mail services at midnight on January 31st.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。

 

添削後の文章

 

Lawson, a major convenience store chain, set up a mailbox for sending letters and postcards at its 7,700 stores nationwide in Japan, and started the mail services at midnight on January 31st.

 

 

読者からの投稿 18(Yoshi, 20 November 09

 

Lawson of the leading convenience store placed mail boxes into which you can drop postcards, letters and so on in about 7,700 stores nationwide. They all together started accepting services at midnight on February 1st.

 

添削

 

Lawson, of the leading convenience store chain, placed mail boxes into which you can drop postcards, letters and so on in at its about 7,700 stores nationwide. They all together started accepting services mail at midnight 0:00 am1 on February 1st.

 

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       at midnight on February 1は2月2日の午前零時になります。

 

添削後の文章

 

Lawson, the leading convenience store chain, placed mail boxes into which you can drop  postcards, letters and so on at its about 7,700 stores nationwide. They all started accepting mail at 0:00 am1 on February 1st.

 

 

読者からの投稿 17(mxtomi, 20 August 09

 

Lawson, a major convenience store chain, installed a mailbox to accept postcards and letters at its 7,700 stores nationwide. All the stores got the new service up and running at midnight on January 31st.

 

添削

 

Lawson, a major convenience store chain, installed a mailbox to accept postcards and letters at its 7,700 stores nationwide. All the stores got the new service up and running at midnight on January 31st.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。添削箇所はありません。

 

読者からの投稿 16(かい、10 July 08

 

Lawson, the leading convenience store company, placed mailboxes at about 7,700 stores nationwide which can accept postcards and envelopes and so on. They have started the service from 0:00 AM on February 1 all at once.

 

添削

 

Lawson, the leading convenience store company, placed a mailboxes1 at its about 7,700 stores nationwide which can accept postcards and letters envelopes and so on. They have started the service from at2 0:00 AM on February 1 all at once.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       郵便ポストの総数は複数ですが、この問題のような場合はa mailbox at its 7,700 storesで郵便ポストを一つずつ、の意味になります。

 

2.       started service at 0:00 amではstartedとありますから、この時間に開始していまでも続いている、という意味になります。

 

添削後の文章

 

Lawson, the leading convenience store company, placed a mailbox at its about 7,700 stores nationwide which can accept postcards and letters. They have started the service at 0:00 AM on February 1 all at once.

 

 

読者からの投稿 15(kk, 26 February 08

 

Lawson, a major convenience store chain in Japan, has installed a mail box, which shoppers can take postcards and letters to at about 7,700 stores across the country. The service has started at midnight on January 31 at all Lawsons.

 

添削

 

Lawson, a major convenience store chain in Japan, has installed a mail box, which shoppers can take postcards and letters to1 at its about 7,700 stores across the country. Now shoppers at the stores can use the mail box for postcards and letters. The service has started at midnight on January 31 at all Lawsons stores.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       先ずはどこに郵便ポストを設置したかを記述して、買い物客が郵便ポストを使える、は新しい文にするとよみやすいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

Lawson, a major convenience store chain in Japan, has installed a mail box at its about 7,700 stores across the country. Now shoppers at the stores can use the mail box for postcards and letters. The service has started at midnight on January 31 at all Lawson stores.

 

 

読者からの投稿 14(dunkel, 25 November 07

 

Lawson, one of the largest convenience store in Japan, started a new service to accept postcards and letters from 0:00 a.m. on February 1. Lawson placed mailboxes in about 7,700 stores nationwide.

 

添削

 

Lawson, one of the largest convenience store chains in Japan, started a new service to accept postcards and letters from 0:00 a.m. on February 11. Lawson placed a mailboxes in at its about 7,700 stores nationwide.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       英文で午前零時の表現には注意が必要ですが、こう表記すれば正確ですね。

 

添削後の文章

 

Lawson, one of the largest convenience store chains in Japan, started a new service to accept postcards and letters from 0:00 a.m. on February 1. Lawson placed a mailbox at its about 7,700 stores nationwide.

 

 

読者からの投稿 13(マーチャン、1 October 07

 

Lawson, a major convenience store, placed a mailbox beside about 7,700 stores across the country. It became possible for customers to mail letters and postcards at all Lawson stores at mid-night on January 31.

 

添削

 

Lawson, a major convenience store company1, placed a mailbox beside its about 7,700 stores across the country. It became possible for customers to mail letters and postcards at all Lawson stores at mid-night on January 31.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       a major convenience storeだけでは、一軒のコンベニの意味になるので、こうしてローソンは全国に7,700軒の店を持っているということがわかりやすくするとよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

Lawson, a major convenience store company, placed a mailbox beside its about 7,700 stores across the country. It became possible for customers to mail letters and postcards at all Lawson stores at mid-night on January 31.

 

 

読者からの投稿 12(散歩人、21 April 07

 

Lawson of a convenience store major company sets up mailboxes which we use to post letters, envelopes and so on at about 7700 stores across the country. We can use the mailboxes from February 1 0:00 a.m. all at once.

 

添削

 

Lawson, of a major convenience store chain, major company has sets up a mailboxes1 which we can use to post letters, envelopes and so on at about 7,700 stores across the country. We can start useing the mailboxes at 12:00 am on from February 12. 0:00 a.m. all at once.

 

コメント

 

1.       郵便箱を一つずつ7,700店舗に、の意味になります。

 

2.       「2月1日午前零時」はat midnight on January 31またはat 12:00 am on February 1になります。わたしは午前零時から始まるテレビ番組を手動で録画予約するときに時々日付を間違えて、しまった、となります。

 

添削後の文章

 

Lawson, a major convenience store chain, has set up a mailbox which we can use to post letters, envelopes and so on at about 7,700 stores across the country. We can start using the mailbox at 12:00 am on February 1.

 

 

読者からの投稿 11(吉、22 December 06

 

Lawson, a major convenience store, set up mailboxes, which receives postcards, letters and so on, in about 7,700 stores throughout the country. The stores started this postal service at midnight on the 31st of January.

 

添削

 

Lawson, a major convenience store chain1, set up a mailboxes2, which receives postcards, letters and so on, in at about 7,700 Lawson stores throughout the country. The stores Lawson started this postal service at midnight on the 31st of January.

 

コメント

 

1.       Lawsonをローソンの本社、Lawson storeをそのコンベニの一店舗とするとわかりやすくなるでしょう。

 

2.       7,700の店舗に一つずつの郵便ポストなので、ここは単数形にします。

 

添削後の文章

 

Lawson, a major convenience store chain, set up a mailbox, which receives postcards, letters and so on, at about 7,700 Lawson stores throughout the country. Lawson started this postal service at midnight on the 31st of January.

 

 

読者からの投稿 10(岩ちゃん、24 November 06

 

The major convenience store, Lawson placed a mailbox beside about 7,700 stores across the country. It became possible to mail letters and envelops into posts at 0:00 a.m. on January 31all together.

 

添削

 

Lawson1, a The major convenience store, Lawson placed a mailbox beside about 7,700 stores across the country. It became possible for customers to mail letters and envelops postcards at all Lawson stores into posts at mid-night 0:00 a.m.3 on January 31all together.

 

コメント

 

1.       Lawson, a major convenience store, ~という順序にします。コンベニの大手はローソンのほかにもあるので不定冠詞 a にします。

 

2.       「2月1日午前零時」問題ですね。at mid-night on January 31が一番わかりやすいでしょう。これを0:00 am on February 1と表記する方法はまだ一般的ではありません。わたしのDVDレコーダーで1月31日午後11時30分から2月1日午前零時30分までの録画予約をするには11:30pm, 12:30amと手動で入れなくてはなりません、。これを間違えて何回か録画できませんでした。このように2月1日の午前零時から午前零時59分までは12:00 am, 12:59 amという表記方法になります。これは間違いやすいので、正確な時間が大切な組織では00:00 am, 00:59 amという表記方法を導入しています。

 

添削後の文章

 

Lawson, a major convenience store, placed a mailbox beside about 7,700 stores across the country. It became possible for customers to mail letters and postcards at all Lawson stores at mid-night on January 31.

 

 

読者からの投稿 9(moppy, 11 October 06

 

Lowson, giant convenience store in Japan, set up a mailbox in Lowson store about seven thousand and seven hundred around the country so that their customer can drop a letter and a postcard into the mailbox. They began the service from the midnight of February 1st all at once.

 

添削

 

Loawson, a giant convenience store chain1 in Japan, set up a mailbox in Lowson store about seven thousand and seven hundred Lawson stores around the country so that their customers can drop a letter and a2 postcard into the mailbox. They began the service from at3 the midnight of February 1st January 314 at all stores all at once.

 

コメント

 

1.       a giant convenience storeというと、一軒の大きなコンベニ、という意味になるので、a giant convenience store chainまたはa giant convenience store companyとするとよいでしょう。

 

2.       この2番目のaは省略できます。

 

3.       began at the midnight of ~と日本文では「午前零時から」ですが、fromではなくてatにします。「午前零時に始まった」です。

 

4.       「2月1日午前零時に」はthe midnight of January 31またはat midnight on January 31です。英語では午前零時は前の日の真夜中になります。2月1日午前零時30分は12:30 am on February 1です。わたしはテレビ番組の録画予約でこれを時々間違えて見たい番組をミスします。

 

添削後の文章

 

Lawson, a giant convenience store chain in Japan, set up a mailbox in about seven thousand and seven hundred Lawson stores around the country so that their customers can drop a letter and postcard into the mailbox. They began the service at the midnight of January 31 at all stores at once.

 

 

読者からの投稿 8(tange, 22 April 06

 

Lawson, a big chain of convenience store, set up a mail box which you can mail letters and post cards in about seven thousand and seven hundreds stores. Lawson has started to accept letters and cards simultaneously in all stores at midnight on the 31st of January.

 

添削

 

Lawson, a big chain of convenience stores, set up a mail box which you can use for mailing1 letters and post cards in at its 7,7002 about seven thousand and seven hundreds stores. Lawson has started to accept accepting letters and cards simultaneously in at all stores at midnight on the 31st of January.

 

コメント

 

1.       I mailed the document to him.のようにmailを動詞に使いますが、I mailed a letter in the mail box.とすると不思議な内容になってしまいます。

 

2.       数が大きい場合は数字で書いたほうが読者にわかりやすいです。

 

添削後の文章

 

Lawson, a big chain of convenience stores, set up a mail box which you can use for mailing letters and post cards at its 7,700 stores. Lawson has started accepting letters and cards at all stores at midnight on the 31st of January.

 

 

読者からの投稿 7(kappa2005, 14 March 06

 

Lawson, a major convenience stores chain in Japan, setups mailboxes in approximately 7,700 stores over the country. We can send letters and postal cards through the mailboxes there. They started providing services as from 12:00pm on February 1.

 

添削

 

Lawson, a major convenience stores chain in Japan, sets ups a mailboxes1 in approximately 7,700 stores over the country. We can send letters and postal cards through the mailboxes at Lawson there. They Lawson2 started providing services as from at 12:00 pm am3 on February 1.

 

コメント

 

1.       7,700の店に一つずつ、なのでa mailbox at 7,700 storesになります。

 

2.       Lawsonと主語を繰り返すとわかりやすいでしょう。

 

3.       午前零時は12:00 amになります。時計の文字盤の表示ですね。午前零時にはmidnightという表現もありますが、at midnight on February 1だと2月1日の夜12時になりますから、2月1日午前零時はat midnight on January 31となり、注意が必要です。

 

添削後の文章

 

Lawson, a major convenience stores chain in Japan, sets up a mailbox1 in approximately 7,700 stores over the country. We can send letters and postal cards through the mailboxe at Lawson. Lawson2 started providing services  at 12:00 am3 on February 1.

 

 

読者からの投稿 6(rikarika, 18 August 05

 

Major convenient store Lawson sat up mailing posts at their about 7700 stores all over the nation. They started reception service at 0:00am on February 1 altogether.

 

添削

 

A Mmajor convenient store chain, Lawson, sat up mailing posts at their about 7,700 stores all over the nation country1. They all started reception providing2 services at 0:00am on February 1 altogether.

 

コメント

 

1.       a nationには政治的な意味での国家の意味があります。a countryは地理的な意味での国なので、このばあいには a country がよいでしょう。

 

2.       providing services(業務を始めた)がよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

A major convenient store chain, Lawson, sat up mailing posts at their about 7,700 stores all over the country. They all started providing services at 0:00am on February 1.

 

 

読者からの投稿 5(かっぱん、13 April 05

 

Lawson, a leading convenience store chain, placed mail posts in its 7,700 stores nationwide. We can send letters and postcards using the post since midnight on January 31.

 

添削

 

Lawson, a leading convenience store chain, placed mail posts in its 7,700 stores nationwide. We can send letters and postcards using the post since midnight on January 311.

 

コメント

 

1.       添削箇所はありません。英文で表現するときの日本文の内容の整理がよくできていますね。このサービスが始まるときを強調するなら次のようになるでしょう。Starting at midnight on January 31, we can send letters and postcards using the post.

 

 

読者からの投稿 4 (マウント60、8 July 04)

 

Lawson, one of the major convenience store chains, placed a mailbox for sending letters and postcards at its some 7,700 stores throughout the nation and started receiving mails simultaneously at 0:00 a.m. on February 1.

 

添削

 

Lawson, one of the major convenience store chains, placed a mailbox for sending letters and postcards at its some 7,700 stores throughout the nation and started receiving mails1 simultaneously 2at 0:00 a.m. on February 1.

 

コメント

 

1.       mailは集合名詞なので単数で使います。

 

2.       Simultaneously at 0:00 a.m.と続くので、この時間に郵便の受付と同時に他の何かを始めたのかな?と思ってしまいます。省略したほうが良いでしょう。0:00 a.m. on February 1at midnight on January 31と同じです。英文では後者の表現のほうが多いでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

Lawson, one of the major convenience store chains, placed a mailbox for sending letters and postcards at its some 7,700 stores throughout the nation and started receiving mail at 0:00 a.m. on February 1.

 

 

読者からの投稿 3(tama, 21 April 04

 

Lowson, one of the major convenience stores in Japan, set mail boxes for dropping post cards and letters at about seven thousands and seven hundreds store all over Japan. And all the stores having set mail boxes came into business all together since just twelve midnight of February 1st.

 

添削

 

Lowson, one of the major convenience stores chains in Japan, set up mail boxes for dropping post cards and letters at about seven thousands and seven hundreds stores all over Japan. And all the stores having set up the mail boxes came into business started accepting1 letters all together since just twelve at midnight of on February 1st first2.

 

コメント

 

1.       All the stores having set up the mail boxes came into business.では主語がall the storesですから、郵便ポストを設置したすべての店は商売を始めた、となり郵便業務を始めた、ということがはっきりしません。

 

2.       February 1st とすると1st が文章のほかの部分との関係で見栄えが悪くなります。

 

添削後の文章

 

Lawson, one of the major convenience store chains in Japan, set up mail boxes for dropping post cards and letters at about seven thousand and seven hundred stores all over Japan. And all the stores having set up the mail boxes started accepting letters at midnight on February  first.

 

 

読者からの投稿 2(tonton, 1 May 03

 

Now you can mail postcards and letters at Lowson, the biggest convenience store in Japan.  Lowson has established mailboxes at the seven thousand and seven hundred branches, approximately.  They have started this service since 12:00 midnight on February 1st.

 

添削

 

Now you can mail postcards and letters at Lowson, the biggest convenience store chain in Japan1. Lowson has established placed mailboxes at the its seven thousand and seven hundred branches stores nationwide., approximately. They Lawson2 have has started this service since at 12:00 -midnight on February 1st January 313.

 

コメント

 

1.       tontonさんはYouを主語にして簡潔に表現しています。日本語の内容を理解して英語で表現するときにはこのような視点の変換が表現を簡潔にします。

 

2.       Lawsonと繰り返して使っても文の統一性がでるので良いと思います。

 

3.       英語ではmidnightはその日の最後の夜の12時です。英語では午前零時という表現がありませんから、前の日の夜の12時と表現します。ですから、21日の午前零時に、はat midnight on January 31になります。また21日の夜12時に、はat midnight on February 1になります。不思議ですね。

 

添削後の文章

 

Now you can mail postcards and letters at Lowson, the biggest convenience store chain in Japan. Lowson has placed mailboxes at its seven thousand and seven hundred stores nationwide. Lawson has started this service at -midnight on January 313.

 

 

読者からの投稿 1(オカヤ、26 Feb 03

 

Lawson, a major convenience store chain, installed a mailbox which shoppers can use to send postcards and letters at its 7,700 stores nationwide. Lawson started operating the mailbox at midnight on January 31.

 

添削

 

Lawson, a major convenience store chain, installed a mailboxes which shoppers can use to send postcards and letter1s at in its 7,700 stores nationwide. Lawson started operating the mailboxes at midnight on January 312, 2003. Now shoppers can drop postcards and letters into the mailboxes at any of these Lawson stores.

 

コメント

 

1.       長い関係代名詞が文の中間に入るので読みにくくなります。添削のように、ここは別の文にして文章の最後に喪っていく方法があります。

 

2.       オカヤさんのように「2月1日午前零時に」はat midnight on January 31と英語では表現します。At midnight on February 1では「22日午前零時に」なってしまうので注意してください。

 

添削後の文章

 

Lawson, a major convenience store chain, installed mailboxes in its 7,700 stores nationwide. Lawson started operating the mailboxes at midnight on January 31, 2003. Now shoppers can drop postcards and letters into the mailboxes at any of these Lawson stores.

 

 

練習問題 35

 

埼玉県や川口市などが整備を進めてきた新産業拠点「SKIPシティ」が2月1日、街びらきを迎えた。大きな目玉は、デジタル関連施設が集まることで、全国初の映像ミュージアム、過去のテレビ番組の保管倉庫NHKアーカイブズなどがオープンも同時にオープンした。

 

読者からの投稿 22(sasuke, 8 January 14

 

The new industrial base called "SKIP City" which has been promoted by Saitama Prefecture and Kawaguchi City came to town opening on February 1. The big highlight of it is gathering facilities related to digital technology. The nation's first video museum and NHK archives which is a storage warehouse for the past TV programs opened at the same time.

 

添削

 

The A new industrial park base called "SKIP City," which has been promoted by Saitama Prefecture and Kawaguchi City, held its came to town opening on February 1. The big highlight of the park it is the gathering of facilities related to digital technology. The nation's first video museum, and NHK aArchives which is a storage warehouse for the past TV programs, opened on at the same day time.

 

コメント

 

内容のすべてがわかります。

 

添削後の文章

 

A new industrial park called "SKIP City," which has been promoted by Saitama Prefecture and Kawaguchi City, held its opening on February 1. The big highlight of the park is the gathering of facilities related to digital technology. The nation's first video museum, and NHK Archives which is a storage warehouse for past TV programs, opened on the same day .

 

 

読者からの投稿 21(owl, 31 December 13

 

SKIP City, a new industrial center which Saitama Prefecture, Kawaguchi City and other local municipalities have developed, opened on February 1st. One of its biggest draws is that many digital-affiliated facilities are going to gather in the center. The Visual Museum, the first-ever of its kind in the country, the NHK Archives, a storage warehouse for television programs of the past, and other facilities opened on the same day.

 

添削

 

SKIP City, a new industrial center which Saitama Prefecture, Kawaguchi City and other local municipalities had been have developeding, opened on February 1st. One of its biggest draws is that many digital-affiliated facilities are going to gather in the center. The Visual Museum, the first-ever of its kind in the country, the NHK Archives, a storage warehouse for television programs of the past, and other facilities opened on the same day.

 

コメント

 

内容のすべてがわかります。

 

添削後の文章

 

SKIP City, a new industrial center which Saitama Prefecture, Kawaguchi City and other local municipalities had been developing, opened on February 1st. One of its biggest draws is that many digital-affiliated facilities are going to gather in the center. The Visual Museum, the first-ever of its kind in the country, the NHK Archives, a storage warehouse for television programs of the past, and other facilities opened on the same day.

 

 

読者からの投稿 20(文月、27 September 13

 

SKIP City, a new industrial base which has been developed by Saitama Prefecture and Kawaguchi City, has opened on February 1st. Its big feature is collecting facilities related to digital video. The first video museum in Japan and NHK Archives, a video library of past NHK TV programs, have also opened at the same time.

 

添削

 

SKIP City, a new industrial base park which has had been developed by Saitama Prefecture and Kawaguchi City, has opened1 on February 1st. Its big feature is the concentration of collecting facilities related to digital technologies video. The first video museum in Japan and NHK Archives,( a video library of past NHK TV programs2), have also opened at the same time.

 

コメント

 

内容のすべてがわかります。

 

1.       Had been developed, openedとしたほうが時間の関係がわかりやすいでしょう。

 

2.       括弧にいれると、これがNHK Archivesの説明だということがよくわかります。

 

添削後の文章

 

SKIP City, a new industrial park which had been developed by Saitama Prefecture and Kawaguchi City, opened on February 1st. Its big feature is the concentration of facilities related to digital technologies. The first video museum in Japan and NHK Archives( a video library of past NHK TV programs) also opened at the same time.

 

 

読者からの投稿 19(Valley winds, 8 August 12

 

The new industrial base "SKIP City" opened at Feb. 1st, where Saitama Prefecture and Kawaguchi City had been preparing, The big centerpiece of the base is concentration of facilities for digitalized media and the nation's first “Image Museum” and the storage warehouse of past TV programs “NHK archives ” opened at the same time

 

添削

 

The A new industrial park1 base "SKIP City" opened on at February2 Feb. 1st, that3 where Saitama Prefecture and Kawaguchi City had been developing preparing together., The big centerpiece of the industrial park base is the4 concentration of facilities for digitalized media and such as the nation's first “Image Museum,” and an the storage warehouse of past TV programs called “NHK aArchives.All of them opened on at the same time day.

 

 

コメント

 

内容の大部分はわかりますがwhere Saitama Prefecture and Kawaguchi City had been preparingとその前の部分の関係がわかりません。

 

北米ではこのような場所をan industrial parkといっています。

 

報告文には月や曜日の省略表記をしないほうが文章の見栄えがよくなります。

 

whereat which placeの意味ですから、where Saitama Prefecture and Kawaguchi City had been developing digital facilities and industries together というようになります。またはthatを使い添削のようになります。

 

ここではthe concentrationは具体的に「ディジタル施設の集合体」ですから添削のようにします。andで結ばず新しい文にしたほうが内容がはっきりします。

 

添削後の文章

 

A new industrial park "SKIP City" opened on February 1st that Saitama Prefecture and Kawaguchi City had been developing together. The centerpiece of the industrial park is the concentration of facilities for digital media such as the nation's first “Image Museum,” and an  storage warehouse of past TV programs called “NHK Archives.” All of them opened on the same day.

 

 

読者からの投稿 18(Yoshi, 24 November 10

 

Saitama Prefecture and Kawaguchi City etc. had prepared for a new industry base SKIP CITY and opened it on 1 Feb. The biggest feature is that Related digital facilities get together so the first video museum in Japan and  a storage warehouse of back TV program NHK Archives etc opened at the same time.

 

添削

 

Saitama Prefecture and Kawaguchi City etc. had been developing1 prepared for a new industry park base SKIP CITY2 and finally3 opened it on 1 February the first4. The biggest feature of the industry park is that several Related digital facilities related to digital technologies get together such as so the first video museum in Japan and a storage of warehouse of back old NHC TV programs called NHK Archives etcThey all 5opened at

the same time.

コメント

 

内容の概略はわかりますが、わかり難いところがあります。

 

1.       オープンに期日(過去)前まで建設したので過去完了進行形なります。

 

2.       英文では通常「・・・」は使いません。引用マークで”SKIP CITY”としてもよいですが、SKIP CITY自体が大文字で表現してあって、固有名詞になっているので引用マークはいらないでしょう。

 

3.       finally入れると文のつながりが良くなるでしょう。

 

4.       短い文章ですから、さらにFeb 1と短くする必要はありません。

 

5.       文の前半が現在形なので、ここから過去形の新しい文にするとよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

Saitama Prefecture and Kawaguchi City had been developing a new industry park SKIP CITY and finally opened it on February the first. The biggest feature of the industry park is that several facilities related to digital technologies get together such as the first video museum in Japan and a storage of old NHC TV programs called NHK Archives. They all opened at the same time.

 

 

読者からの投稿 17(あんこ、31 May 10

 

Saitama Prefecture and other cities such as kawaguchi City had jointly launched a new industrial park called 'SKIP City'. On February first, the industrial park successfully opened. Many digital-related boothes were there and getting a lot of attention from the public. On the same day, a museum of pictures that is the first of its kinds in Japan and a storage of TV programs in the past called NHK Archives opened, too.

 

添削

 

Saitama Prefecture and other cities such as kKawaguchi City had been jointly developing launched1 a new industrial park called 'SKIP City'. On February the first, the industrial park successfully opened. Many facilities related to digital-related booths  technologies were located in the park2 there and were getting a lot of attention from the public. On the same day, a museum of pictures that is was3 the first of its kinds in Japan and a storage of old TV programs in the past called NHK Archives opened, too.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       launched a new industrial parkというと、この工業団地が既に完成していてそれを開園する、という意味にも取れるので、添削のようにするか、またはhad launched a project to develop an industrial park called SKIP CITYとするとよいでしょう。

 

2.       短い文章ですが、thereではなく、既出のthe parkを使うとわかりやすいでしょう。

 

3.       現在でも「初めて」ですが、文章全体が過去形なので、その時制にあわせて過去形にします。時制の一致の感覚は会得するのがなかなか難しいですね。

 

添削後の文章

 

Saitama Prefecture and other cities such as Kawaguchi City had been jointly developing a new industrial park called 'SKIP City'. On February the first, the industrial park successfully opened. Many facilities related to digital technologies were located in the park and were getting a lot of attention from the public. On the same day, a museum of pictures that was the first of its kinds in Japan and a storage of old TV programs called NHK Archives opened, too.

 

 

読者からの投稿 16(Tatsuo, 5 March 10

 

Skip City”, which was a newly industrial base, opened on February 1. The “Skip City” project had been led by Saitama Prefecture and Kawaguchi City. The main highlight was each related digital facilities gathered together. The first picture museum in Japan and NHK Archives, which was the warehouse of keeping video tapes of past TV program, opened at the same time.

 

添削

 

Skip City”, which was a newly industrial base park1, opened on February 1 in Kawaguchi City2. The “Skip City” project had been led by Saitama Prefecture and Kawaguchi City. The main highlight of the park is3 was that facilities each related to digital technologies facilities are gathered together in one place. The first picture museum in Japan and the NHK Archives, which was is the warehouse of keeping video tapes of past TV programs, opened at the same time.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の大部分はわかりますがThe main highlight was each related digital facilities gathered together.がわかりません。添削のようにするとよいでしょう。

 

1.       短い文で、この説明だけが長くなるので、添削のように簡単にするとよいでしょう。

 

2.       日本文にはありませんが、場所が入っていたほうがよいですね。

 

3.       ここは現在もある施設の説明なので現在形がよいでしょう。

 

4.       「てんさくご」とタイプして変換したつもりですが、こんなものが出てきて、ドキッとしました。

 

添悪後4の文章

 

“Skip City”, a new industrial park, opened on February 1 in Kawaguchi City. The “Skip City” project had been led by Saitama Prefecture and Kawaguchi City. The main highlight of the park is that facilities related to digital technologies are gathered together in one place. The first picture museum in Japan and the NHK Archives, which is the warehouse of keeping video tapes of past TV programs, opened at the same time.

 

 

読者からの投稿 15(mxtomi, 20 August 09

 

A new industrial park, “SKIP City”, which had jointly been developed by Saitama Prefecture, Kawaguchi City and some other organizations was inaugurated on February 1st. The centerpiece of the park is a complex consisting of various facilities relating to an image technology. The image museum, the first of its kind in Japan, and the NHK Archives, a film warehouse for the past TV programs are in there, to name a few. Both of them also opened on the same date.

 

添削

 

A new industrial park, “SKIP City”, which had been jointly been developed by Saitama Prefecture, Kawaguchi City and some other organizations was inaugurated on February 1st. The centerpiece of the park is a complex consisting of various facilities relating to an image technologyies. The image museum, the first of its kind in Japan, and the NHK Archives, a film warehouse for the past NHK TV programs are in there, to name a few. Both of them also opened on the same date.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。

 

添削後の文章

 

A new industrial park, “SKIP City”, which had been jointly developed by Saitama Prefecture, Kawaguchi City and some other organizations was inaugurated on February 1st. The centerpiece of the park is a complex consisting of various facilities relating to image technologies. The image museum, the first of its kind in Japan, and the NHK Archives, a film warehouse for the past NHK TV programs are in there, to name a few. Both of them also opened on the same date.

 

 

読者からの投稿 14(かい、11 July 08

 

On February 1, “SKIP CITY”, the new industrial bases that the Saitama Prefectural government and Kawaguchi City government had developed, opened. The particular attracting feature is that facilities concerning the digital industry have concentrated in that area. Other facilities such as the first domestic image museum and the NHK Archives preserving past TV programs also opened at the same time.

 

添削

 

On February 1, “SKIP CITY”, the a new industrial park1 bases that the Saitama Prefectural gGovernment and Kawaguchi City gGovernment had jointly developed, opened. The A particularly2 attracting feature is that many facilities related to concerning the digital technology industry are have concentrated in this park that area. Other facilities such as the first domestic image museum and the NHK Archives preserving past TV programs also opened at the same time in the park.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       北米ではこのような工業団地をan industrial parkといっています。

 

2.       a particular, attracting feature「ある特別な、魅力的な特徴は」と、形容詞のparticularfeatureを修飾します。a particularly attracting feature「特別の魅力的な特徴は」と、副詞のparticularlyは形容詞のattractingを修飾します。

 

添削後の文章

 

On February 1, “SKIP CITY”, a new industrial park that the Saitama Prefectural Government and Kawaguchi City Government had jointly developed, opened. A particularly attracting feature is that many facilities related to the digital technology industry are concentrated in this park. Other facilities such as the first domestic image museum and the NHK Archives preserving past TV programs also opened at the same time in the park.

 

 

読者からの投稿 13(kk28 February 08

 

Saitama Prefecture and Kawaguchi City have developed a new industrial hub called 'SKIP City'. They opened the City to the public on February 1. For the main feature of 'SKIP City', this is an area where digital technology-related facilities are concentrated. Such as Japan's first image museum and the NHK Archives, where past TV programs had been stored, opened on the same day.

 

添削

 

Saitama Prefecture and Kawaguchi City have developed a new industrial hub called 'SKIP City'. They opened the City to the public on February 1. For tThe main feature of 'SKIP City', this is an area where digital technology-related facilities are concentrated. Such as Japan's first image museum and the NHK Archives, where past TV programs had been are stored, are such examples1. Both opened on the same day.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。

 

Such asで始まる文と前の文とのつながりがよくありません。are concentrated such as Japan's first image museum and the NHK Archives where past TV programs had been stored. Both opened on the same day.とするか、または添削のようにします。

 

添削後の文章

 

Saitama Prefecture and Kawaguchi City have developed a new industrial hub called 'SKIP City'. They opened the City to the public on February 1. The main feature of 'SKIP City' is an area where digital technology-related facilities are concentrated. Japan's first image museum and the NHK Archives, where past TV programs are stored, are such examples. Both opened on the same day.

 

 

読者からの投稿 12(dunkel, 25 Nov 07

 

A new industrial base named "SKIP City" opened on February 1. It was developed by Saitama Prefecture and Kawaguchi City. The eye-catching point of this City is that we could find many digital-related technology faculties there. For example, NHK opened "NHK Archives" on the same day that was the first image musium in Japan. It also has a roll of reserving TV programs in the past.

 

添削

 

A new industrial base park named "SKIP City" opened on February 1. It was jointly developed by Saitama Prefecture and Kawaguchi City. The eye-catching point of this City is that we could can find many digital -related technology-related faculties facilities there. For example, NHK opened the "NHK Archives" on the same day. that was  This is1 the first image musium museum in Japan and keeps. It also has a roll of reserving old TV programs in the past.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       ここから新しい文にして、次の文をつなぐと読みやすくなります。

 

添削後の文章

 

A new industrial park named "SKIP City" opened on February 1. It was jointly developed by Saitama Prefecture and Kawaguchi City. The eye-catching point of this City is that we can find many digital technology-related facilities there. For example, NHK opened the "NHK Archives" on the same day. This is the first image museum in Japan and keeps old TV programs .

 

 

読者からの投稿 11(マーチャン、1 October 07

 

A new industrial park, "SKIP City," developed by Saitama Prefecture, Kawaguchi City and others, opened on February 1. Its highlight is that digital technology -related facilities got together at one place. Japan’s first video museum, the NHK Archives, opened on the same day. The NHK Archives store old TV programs.

 

添削

 

A new industrial park, "SKIP City," developed by Saitama Prefecture, Kawaguchi City and others, opened on February 1. Its highlight is that digital technology -related facilities got

get1 together at one place. Japan’s first video museum, the NHK Archives, opened on the same day. The NHK Archives store old TV programs.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。

 

 

1.       実際にこれらの施設が建ったのは過去ですが、現在でも一緒に集まっている、という意味で現在形がよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

A new industrial park, "SKIP City," developed by Saitama Prefecture, Kawaguchi City and others, opened on February 1. Its highlight is that digital technology -related facilities

get together at one place. Japan’s first video museum, the NHK Archives, opened on the same day. The NHK Archives store old TV programs.

 

 

読者からの投稿 10(散歩人、24 April 07

 

On February 1 opened "SKIP City" which was a base for new industries and which had been developed by Saitama Prefecture and Kawaguti City. It was special for the related facilities of digital industries to come together there. The first image museum, NHK archives where the past television programs were stocked and so on opened at the same time.

 

添削

 

On February 1, opened the "SKIP City," opened1. whichThis is was an industrial park base for new industries and which had has been jointly developed by Saitama Prefecture and Kawaguti City. It The City2 is was special because for the related facilities related to  of digital industries to come together there here. The first image museum, NHK aArchives, where the past television programs were stocked and so on opened at the same time.

 

コメント

 

1.       ここで文章を終わり、新しい文でSKIPシティの説明をすると内容がわかりやすく、また文章の歯切れがよくなります。

 

2.       短い文章ですが、代名詞ではなく元の名詞を使うと内容がはっきりして読みやすくなります。

 

添削後の文章

 

On February 1, the "SKIP City," opened. This is an industrial park for new industries and  has been jointly developed by Saitama Prefecture and Kawaguti City. The City is special because facilities related to digital industries come together here. The first image museum, NHK Archives, where past television programs were stocked opened at the same time.

 

 

読者からの投稿 9(吉、25 December 06

 

New industrial hub "SKIP City" opened on February 1st of February. This hub was developed by Saitama Prefecture and Kawaguchi-City. The highlight of this city is a collection of digital related facilities, such as Japan's first image museum and NHK Archives which is the storage warehouse for past TV programs. These facilities also opened on the same day.

 

添削

 

A Nnew industrial hub "SKIP City" opened on February 1st of February1. This hub was jointly developed by Saitama Prefecture and Kawaguchi- City. The highlight of this city is a collection cluster2 of digital related facilities, such as Japan's first image museum and NHK Archives which is the a3 storage warehouse for past TV programs. These facilities also opened on the same day.

 

コメント

 

1.       埼玉県や川口市などが整備を進めてきた新産業拠点SKIPシティが2月1日、街びらきを迎えた。」は下線部分が長い連体修飾節ですが、吉さんは二つの英文に分けてわかりやすくしていますね。

 

2.       いろいろのモノのあつまりをa clusterという便利な言葉があります。

 

3.       ほかにも同様な施設が(例えば民間テレビ局の)出来るかもしれないので、不定冠詞でよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

A new industrial hub "SKIP City" opened on February 1st. This hub was jointly developed by Saitama Prefecture and Kawaguchi City. The highlight of this city is a cluster of digital related facilities such as Japan's first image museum and NHK Archives which is a storage for past TV programs. These facilities also opened on the same day.

 

 

読者からの投稿 8(岩ちゃん、24 November 06

 

A new industrial base, "SKLP City" arranged by Saitama Prefecture, Kawaguchi City and others opened on February 1. Its highlight is that digital-related facilities were got together at one place. A nation's first video museum, NHK Archives as a storage which reserved the past TV programs and the like opened on the same day.

 

添削

 

A new industrial base park1, "SKIP City," arranged developed by Saitama Prefecture, Kawaguchi City and others, opened on February 1. Its highlight is that digital technology -related facilities were got together at one place. Japan’s A nation's first video museum, the NHK Archives, as a storage which reserved the past TV programs and the like opened on the same day. The NHK Archives store old TV programs2.

 

コメント

 

1.       このような施設をan industrial parkといいます。企業誘致のために公園のように緑地のスペースを十分にとった施設なのでparkなのでしょう。

 

2.       過去のテレビ番組の保管倉庫NHKアーカイブズ」の下線のような連体形修飾節は独立の文にすると、英文表現がやさしくなります。

 

添削後の文章

 

A new industrial park, "SKIP City," developed by Saitama Prefecture, Kawaguchi City and others, opened on February 1. Its highlight is that digital technology -related facilities got together at one place. Japan’s first video museum, the NHK Archives, opened on the same day. The NHK Archives store old TV programs.

 

 

読者からの投稿 7(tange, 28 April 06

 

SKIP City “ which is a park of a new industry promoted by Saitama Prefecture and Kawaguchi City and others launched on the 1st of February. The main feature of the city is that many facilities for digital gather together. A museum of vides and the NHK archives has opened at the same time. 

 

添削

 

SKIP City “ which is a park of a new industry for new industries promoted by Saitama Prefecture, and Kawaguchi City and others was launched on the 1st of February. The main feature of the city is that many facilities for digital technologies are gathered1 together. A museum of videos and the NHK aArchives2 for old TV programs has have opened at the same time on the same day3. 

 

コメント

 

1.       日本文には「デジタル関連施設が集まることで」とありますが、英文では「デジタル関連施設が集められている」と表現するとよいでしょう。

 

2.       「NHKアーカイブズ」は固有名詞として扱います。

 

3.       at the same timeは「同時に」ですから、もし両者ともに2月1日にオープンしたのならon the same dayと言うとはっきりするでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

SKIP City “ which is a park for new industries promoted by Saitama Prefecture,  Kawaguchi City and others was launched on the 1st of February. The main feature of the city is that many facilities for digital technologies are gathered together. A museum of videos and the NHK Archives for old TV programs have opened on the same day. 

 

 

読者からの投稿 6(kappa2005, 14 March 06

 

A new industrial base ,“ SKIP CITY” being developed by Saitama prefecture and Kawaguchi City and other cities opened on February 1. A big topic is to join several digital related facilities. Japan’s first Image Museums and NHK archives storing past TV films are opened on the same day.

 

添削

 

A new industrial base ,“ SKIP CITY”, being developed by Saitama pPrefecture and Kawaguchi City and other cities opened on February 1. A big topic attraction of the industrial base1 is to have joined several digital related facilities at one place. Japan’s first Iimage Mmuseums and the NHK aArchives2 storing past TV films are opened on the same day.

 

コメント

1.       わかりやすい構造の英文です。ここは添削のような説明を入れると一層内容がわかりやすくなります。日本文では省略されている説明も、英文では文章全体を独立したものとして理解できるように補充する必要があります。

 

2.       「日本映像ミュージアム」というような固有名詞ならthe Japan Image Museumと大文字をつかいますが、ここでは普通名詞で使われているようです。「NHKアーカイブズ」は固有名詞のようなのでthe NHK Archivesとします。

 

添削後の文章

 

A new industrial base ,“ SKIP CITY”, developed by Saitama Prefecture and Kawaguchi City and other cities opened on February 1. A big attraction of the industrial base is to have joined several digital related facilities at one place. Japan’s first image museum and the NHK Archives storing past TV films opened on the same day.

 

 

読者からの投稿 5(rikarika, 18 August 05

 

New industrial base “SKIP city” was opened on February 1. It had been arranged by Saitama Prefecture, Kawaguchi city and so on. The special feature point was that Digital related facilities were gathered. At the same time, nation’s first graphic museum, warehouse for old TV program “NHK archive” and so on were also opened.

 

添削

 

A Nnew industrial base, “SKIP cCity,was opened1 on February 1. It had been arranged by Saitama Prefecture, Kawaguchi cCity and so on others2. The special feature of Skip City point was is3 that Digital facilities related digital technology related facilities were are gathered together. At the same time, nation’s Japan’s first graphic museum, and warehouse for old TV program the “NHK aArchives4for old TV programs and so on were also opened on the same day5.

 

コメント

 

1.       「埼玉県や川口市などが整備を進めてきた新産業拠点」の連体形修飾節を独立の文で表現したのがよいですね。施設が開業する、というときには受動態ではなくて能動態でA facility opens.と表現するのが一般的です。

 

2.       and so onとすると(読者もご存知のよう)なほかのもの、という感じになるので、単にothersがよいでしょう。

 

3.       この施設の特徴は現在でも続いているので、ここは現在形になります。

 

4.       the NHK Archivesarchives は過去の記録の保管所という意味なので、ここは省略してよいでしょう。

 

5.       主語の部分が長くなるので、文のバランスをとるために文末に移動しました。

 

添削後の文章

 

A new industrial base, “SKIP City,” opened on February 1. It had been arranged by Saitama Prefecture, Kawaguchi City and others. The special feature of Skip City is that  facilities related digital technology are gathered together. Japan’s first graphic museum and the “NHK Archives” for old TV programs also opened on the same day.

 

 

読者からの投稿 4(マウント60、9 July 04

 

The new industrial base "Skip City," which had been developed by Saitama Prefecture and Kawaguchi City, opened to the public for the first time on February 1. The main feature is that there are many digital-related facilities. The video museum, first of its kind in Japan, and the NHK archives, storing warehouse for TV programs aired in the past, opened at the same time, just to name a few.

 

添削

 

The A new industrial base "Skip City," which had been jointly developed by Saitama Prefecture and Kawaguchi City, opened to the public for the first time on February 1. The main feature of “Skip City1is the concentration of2 that there are many digital-related facilities. The A video museum, first of its kind in Japan, and the NHK aArchives, storing warehouse for TV programs aired in the past, opened at the same time, just to name a few.

 

コメント

 

短い文章の中で何故固有名詞を繰り返す必要があるのか、かえってうるさく感じるのではないか、という疑問があるでしょうが、繰り返すことで読者に印象が強くなります。また情報を獲得しようとしている読者はうるさく感じません。