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初級練習問題の添削 8

 

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(4 Sept 06) (31 Oct 06) (15 November 06) (17 Nov 06) (28 Jan 07) (7 April 07) (24 Aug 07) (22 Oct 07) (21 Jan 08) (3 Mar 08) (27 June 08) (7 Jan 09) (8 July 09) (3 Oct 09)

 

(4 Jan 10) (23 Feb 10) (27 Feb 12) (7 June 12) (18 July 12) (25 July 13) (4 Aug 13)

(15 Nov 13) (16 June 14)

 

携帯電話には高価な金属が使われている。充電池を外した携帯を約2万台、1トン分集めると、金200グラム、銀1キロ、銅150キロ、パラジウム100グラムが取り出せる。南アフリカの金鉱山でも、原石1トンから金は4―5グラムしか取れないというから、携帯電話はまさに「宝の山」だ。

 

読者からの投稿 32(Best of British, 16 June 14

 

Expensive metal is used into cell phones. Collecting twenty thousand ones without batteries, which amount to a ton, two hundred grammes of gold, a killogramme of silver, one hundred and fifty kilogrammes of iron and hundred grammes of Palladium can be extracted. Even from gold mines in South Africa, we can only extract four or five grammes of gold per a ton of ore, cell phones are real "piles of treasures".

 

添削

 

Expensive metal is used into for cell phones. Out of Collecting twenty thousand cell phones ones without batteries, which weigh amount to about a one ton, two hundred grams grammes of gold, one a kilogram killogramme of silver, one hundred and fifty kilograms kilogrammes of copper iron and one hundred grams grammes of Ppalladium can be extracted. Even from gold mines in South Africa, we can only extract four to or five grams grammes of gold per a ton of ore.,1  Therefore, cell phones are really "piles of treasures".

 

コメント

 

内容のすべてが推測できます。

 

1.       投稿のままでは前半と後半の文がつながりません。ここから新しい文にするとわかりやすくなります。

 

添削後の文章

 

Expensive metal is used for cell phones. Out of twenty thousand cell phones without batteries, which weigh about one ton, two hundred grams of gold, one kilogram of silver, one hundred and fifty kilograms of copper and one hundred grams of palladium can be extracted. Even from gold mines in South Africa, we can only extract four to five grams of gold per a ton of ore. Therefore, cell phones are really "piles of treasures".

 

 

読者からの投稿 31(owl, 15 Nov 13

 

Expensive metals are used in cellphones. If you collect 20,000 units, or one ton, of mobile phones, you will get 200 grams of gold, one kilogram of silver, 150 kilograms of copper and 100 grams of palladium. They say that only four to five grams of gold can be extracted from one kilogram of raw stone in gold mines in South Africa, so cellphones are definitely a 'treasure mountain.'

 

添削

 

Expensive metals are used in cellular1 phones. If you collect 20,000 units, or one ton, of cellular mobile phones, you will get 200 grams of gold, one kilogram of silver, 150 kilograms of copper and 100 grams of palladium. They say that oOnly four to five grams of gold can be extracted from one kilogram of raw stone in gold mines in South Africa, so cellular phones are definitely a 'treasure mountain.'

 

コメント

 

内容のすべてがわかります。

 

1.       携帯電話にはいろいろ呼び方がありますが、ここではcellular phonesに統一しました。同一の文章の中で同一なものは同じ呼び方をします。

 

添削後の文章

 

Expensive metals are used in cellular phones. If you collect 20,000 units, or one ton, of cellular phones, you will get 200 grams of gold, one kilogram of silver, 150 kilograms of copper and 100 grams of palladium. Only four to five grams of gold can be extracted from one kilogram of raw stone in gold mines in South Africa, so cellular phones are definitely a 'treasure mountain.'

 

 

読者からの投稿 30(sasuke, 4 August 13

 

Cellphones are comprised of costly metals. We can get 200-gram gold, 1-kilogram silver, 150-kilogram copper and 100-gram palladium from about 20,000 cellphones which weigh about 1-ton.Even in South African gold mine, only 4 or 5-gram gold would be produced, hence cellphones could be a real gold mine.

 

添削

 

Cellphones contains parts made of1 are comprised of costly metals. We can get 200-grams of gold2, 1-kilogram of silver, 150-kilograms of copper and 100-grams of palladium from about 20,000 cellphones which weigh about 1-ton without batteries. Even in South African gold mines, only 4 to or 5-grams of gold is extracted from one ton of iron ore would be produced,. hHence cellphones are could be a real gold mine.

 

コメント

 

内容のすべてが推測できます。

 

1.       投稿のままでは携帯で輪は高価な金属だけでできている、という印象になります。

 

2.       200-gram goldとすると200グラムの金塊というようにもとれます。

 

添削後の文章

 

Cellphones contains parts made of costly metals. We can get 200 grams of gold, 1 kilogram of silver, 150 kilograms of copper and 100 grams of palladium from about 20,000 cellphones which weigh about 1 ton without batteries. Even in South African gold mines, only 4 to 5 grams of gold is extracted from one ton of iron ore. Hence cellphones are a real gold mine.

 

 

読者からの投稿 29(文月、25 July 130

 

Cell phones contain precious metals. If you collect about twenty thousand cell phones with rechargeable batteries removed, weighing one ton, you can retrieve 200 grams of gold, one kilogram of silver, 150 kilograms of copper, and 100 grams of palladium. You can extract only 4 to 5 grams of gold from one ton of rude ore even in a gold mine of South Africa. A pile of cell phones is literally a “gold mine.

 

添削

 

Cell phones contain precious metals. If you collect about twenty thousand cell phones with rechargeable batteries removed, weighing one ton1 when rechargeable batteries are removed, you can retrieve 200 grams of gold, one kilogram of silver, 150 kilograms of copper, and 100 grams of palladium. You can extract only 4 to 5 grams of gold from one ton of rude ore even in a gold mine of South Africa. A pile of cell phones is literally a “gold mine.

 

コメント

 

内容のすべてがわかります。わかりやすい文章です。

 

1.       この順序のほうがわかりやすいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

Cell phones contain precious metals. If you collect about twenty thousand cell phones    weighing one ton1 when rechargeable batteries are removed, you can retrieve 200 grams of gold, one kilogram of silver, 150 kilograms of copper, and 100 grams of palladium.You can extract only 4 to 5 grams of gold from one ton of rude ore even in a gold mine of South Africa. A pile of cell phones is literally a “gold mine.

 

 

読者からの投稿 28(Yasuaki, 18 July 12

 

The expensive metals are used for mobile phone. If you collect the 20,000 (1 ton) mobile phones, you can extract the 200g of gold, 1Kg of silver, 150Kg of copper and 100g of palladium. The mobile phones are "gold mine" because it is extracted only the 4 to 5g of gold from 1 ton of raw stone at even the gold mine in the South Africa.

 

添削

 

The eExpensive kinds1 of metals are used for mobile phones. If you collect the 20,000 (1 ton) mobile phones, you can extract the 200g grams2 of gold, 1Kg kilograms of silver, 150Kg kilograms of copper and 100g grams of palladium. The mMobile phones are a "gold mine" because it is extracted only the 4 to 5g grams of gold are extracted from 1 ton of gold ore raw stone at even at the gold mines in the South Africa.

 

コメント

 

内容のすべてがわかります。

 

1.       ここでは特にどの希少金属かは言っていないので定冠詞はいりません。またmetalは物質名詞なので複数形にはなりません。

 

2.       短い文章なのでグラム、キログラムは省略記号を使わない方がよいでしょう。長い専門の論文ならば省略記号を使った方が文章が読みやすくなります。

 

添削後の文章

 

Expensive kinds of metal are used for mobile phones. If you collect 20,000 (1 ton) mobile phones, you can extract 200 grams of gold, 1 kilograms of silver, 150 kilograms of copper and 100 grams of palladium. Mobile phones are a "gold mine" because only 4 to 5 grams of gold are extracted from 1 ton of gold ore even at gold mines in South Africa.

 

 

読者からの投稿 27(OKEN, 7 June 12

 

Cell phones have costly metals. If you accumulate around 20, 000 or one ton of cell phones from which their battery chargers are removed, you will able to get 200 g of gold, one kg of silver, 150 kg of copper, and 100 g of palladium from them. Considering that, even in gold mines in South Africa, they can get only 4 ? 5 g of gold from one ton of raw stones, we can say that cell phones are just "treasure-trove".

 

添削

 

Cell phones have costly kinds of metals. If you accumulate around 20, 000 or one ton of cell phones from which their batteryies chargers are removed, you will be able to get 200 grams1 of gold, one kilograms of silver, 150 kilograms of copper, and 100 grams of palladium from them. Considering that, even at in gold mines in South Africa, they can get only 4 ? to 5 grams of gold from one ton of gold ore raw stones, we can say that cell phones are really just a "treasure- trove".

 

コメント

 

内容のすべてがわかります。

 

1.       省略記号を使わないほうが読者に親切です。

 

添削後の文章

 

Cell phones have costly kinds of metal. If you accumulate around 20, 000 or one ton of cell phones from which their batteries are removed, you will be able to get 200 grams of gold, one kilograms of silver, 150 kilograms of copper, and 100 grams of palladium from them. Considering that even at gold mines in South Africa they can get only 4 to 5 grams of gold from one ton of gold ore, we can say that cell phones are really a "treasure trove".

 

 

読者からの投稿 26(Valley winds, 27 February 12

 

A mobile phone includes some expensive metals. If you gather about twenty thousand phones, which weigh 1 ton, you could get 200g of gold, 1kg of silver, 150kg of copper and 100g of palladium. Even at a gold mine in South Africa, a ton of ore contain only four or five gram of gold and a mobile phone is just a gold mine.

 

添削

 

A mobile phone includes contains some expensive kinds of metals. If you gather about twenty thousand phones, which weigh 1 one1 ton, you can2 could get 200g grams of gold, one kilograms 1kg3 of silver, 150kg kilograms of copper and 100g grams of palladium. Even at a gold mine in South Africa, one a ton of ore contains only four to or five grams of gold. Therefore, and a mobile phone is really just a treasure trove gold mine4.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       1 tonとすると1が見えにくいのでone tonがよいでしょう。

 

2.       実際に出来ることですからcanでよいです。

 

3.       短い文章なのでgrams, kilogramsと書くとよいでしょう。長い技術的な文章で何回もgramskilogramsが出てくるときは、最初に200g (200 grams)のような説明を入れるとよいでしょう。

 

4.       「宝の山を見つけた」というようなときに I found a treasure trove.という表現を使います。ここではgold の他にいろいろとあるので、a gold mineより良いでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

A mobile phone contains some expensive kinds of metal. If you gather about twenty thousand phones, which weigh one ton, you can get 200 grams of gold, one kilograms of silver, 150 kilograms of copper and 100 grams of palladium. Even at a gold mine in South Africa, one ton of ore contains only four to five grams of gold. Therefore, a mobile phone is really a treasure trove.

 

 

読者からの投稿 25(あんこ、23 February 10

 

Precious metals are used for some parts of cell phones.  Roughly 20,000 of battery-removed mobile phones can produce 200 grams of gold, 1 kilograms of silver, 150 grams of copper, and 100 grams of palladium.  Even from mines in South Africa, only 4 to 5 grams of gold are taken out of 1 tons of raw stone.  That's why we call cell phones as gold mines.

 

添削

 

Precious metals are used for some parts of cell phones.  1Roughly 20,000 of battery-removed mobile phones, weighing about one ton, can produce 200 grams of gold, 1 kilograms of silver, 150 grams of copper, and 100 grams of palladium.  Even from gold mines in South Africa, only 4 to 5 grams of gold are taken extracted out of 1 tons of raw gold ore stone.  That's why we call cell phones as gold mines.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。

 

昔の昔、私が英作文を学校で勉強していたときには、英文の段落の始めは一字空ける、分と文の間は二字(または三字)空ける、と習いましたが、現在の実務文では(この添削講座の文章にように)、ここに空間を作らないのが一般的です。

 

添削後の文章

 

Precious metals are used for some parts of cell phones. Roughly 20,000 of battery-removed mobile phones, weighing about one ton, can produce 200 grams of gold, 1 kilograms of silver, 150 grams of copper, and 100 grams of palladium. Even from gold mines in South Africa, only 4 to 5 grams of gold are extracted out of 1 tons of gold ore . That's why we call cell phones as gold mines.

 

 

読者からの投稿 24(Tatsuo, 4 January 10

 

In the hand-phones have been used premium metal. If the hand-phones without battery are gathered about 20,000 pieces or an equivalent weight in 1 ton, they will be got a various premium metal such as 200 grams of gold, 1kg of silver, 150kgs of copper and 100 grams of palladium. Even the gold mine in South Africa, gold can get only 4 to 5 grams from 1 ton of its ore. Thus, we can say that the hand-phones are exactly “a treasure mountain.”              

 

添削

 

Precious metal is used In the cellular hand-phones have been used premium metal.1 If the cellular hand-phones without batteryies are collected gathered  in about 20,000 pieces or an equivalent weight of in 1 one ton, they will contain be got a various kinds of precious premium metal such as 200 grams of gold, 1kg kilograms2 of silver, 150 kgs kilograms of copper and 100 grams of palladium. Even at the gold mines in South Africa, gold can get only 4 to 5 grams of gold can be extracted from 1 one ton of its ore. Thus, we can say that the cellular hand-phones3 is are exactly “a treasure mountain.”              

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の概略はわかりますが、文構造が曖昧なところが数箇所あります。

 

1.       このような平易な構造の文にすると内容がわかりやすくなります。

 

2.       短い文章なので省略形を使う必要はありません。

 

3.       the cellular phoneで携帯電話全体を指します。

 

添削後の文章

 

Precious metal is used In the cellular phones. If cellular phones without batteries are collected in about 20,000 pieces or an equivalent weight of one ton, they will contain  various kinds of precious metal such as 200 grams of gold, 1 kilograms of silver, 150  kilograms of copper and 100 grams of palladium. Even at gold mines in South Africa, only 4 to 5 grams of gold can be extracted from one ton of ore. Thus, we can say that the cellular phone is exactly “a treasure mountain.”              

 

 

 

読者からの投稿 23(Yoshi, 3 October 09

 

Mobile phones are made of expensive metal. You will get 200 gram of gold, 1 kg of silver, 150 kg of copper and 100 gram of palladium, if you collect 20,000 of the mobile phones unattached batteries. The mobile phones are like a gold mountain, because only 4 - 5 gram of gold from one tong of raw stones even in gold mines of South of Africa .

 

添削

 

Some components1 of Mmobile phones are made of expensive kinds of metal. You will get 200 grams of gold, 1 kilogram2 kg of silver, 150 kilograms kg of copper and 100 grams of palladium, out of if you collect 20,000 of the mobile phones unattached from batteries. The mobile phones is are like a gold mountain, because only 4 - 5 grams of gold can be extracted3 from one tong of raw stones even at in gold mines in of South of Africa .

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の概略はわかりますが、わからないところがあります。

 

1.       携帯電話の全体が高価な金属ではないので、このように表現するとよいでしょう。

 

2.       短い文章なので、kilogramと書くとよいでしょう。

 

3.       because以下の文には動詞がありません。

 

添削後の文章

 

Some components of mobile phones are made of expensive kinds of metal. You will get 200 grams of gold, 1 kilogram of silver, 150 kilograms of copper and 100 grams of palladium out of 20,000 mobile phones unattached from batteries. The mobile phone is like a gold mountain, because only 4 - 5 grams of gold can be extracted from one ton of raw stones even at gold mines in South of Africa .

 

 

読者からの投稿 22(Tomoya, 8 July 09

 

Mobile phones contain rare metals. if about 20 thousand mobile phones which weigh 1 ton without battery are corrected, we can gather 200 grams of gold, 1 kilogram of silver, 150 kilograms of copper and 100 grams of palladium. even from a gold mine in the south Africa, we could only gather 4 to 5 grams of gold from 1 ton of raw ore. The mobile phone is indeed a treasure mountain.

 

添削

 

Mobile phones contain several kinds of rare metals. if From about 20 thousand mobile phones which weigh 1 ton without batteryies,  are corrected, we can extract1 gather 200 grams of gold, 1 kilogram of silver, 150 kilograms of copper and 100 grams of palladium. eEven from a gold mine in the sSouth Africa, we could only extract gather 4 to 5 grams of gold from 1 ton of raw ore. The mobile phone is indeed a treasure mountain.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。collectcorrectの思い違いがありますが。

 

1.       「1トン分集めると」とありますが、このように簡単に言い直したほうがわかりやすいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

Mobile phones contain several kinds of rare metal. From about 20 thousand mobile phones which weigh 1 ton without batteries, we can extract 200 grams of gold, 1 kilogram of silver, 150 kilograms of copper and 100 grams of palladium. Even from a gold mine in  South Africa, we could only extract 4 to 5 grams of gold from 1 ton of raw ore. The mobile phone is indeed a treasure mountain.

 

 

読者からの投稿 21(mxtomi, 29 June 09

 

Precious metals are used for cell-phones. If we collect twenty thousand of cell-phones weighing approximately 1 ton without batteries, we will be able to extract 200gram of gold, 1kirogram of silver, 150kirogram of copper and 100gram of palladium from them. Given that even in a gold mine in South Africa, 1ton of ore can yield only 4 to 5g of gold, a cell-phone is nothing but a true gold mine.

 

添削

 

Precious metals are used for cell-phones. If we collect twenty thousand of cell-phones weighing approximately 1 ton without batteries, we will be able to extract 200 grams of gold, 1 kirogram kilogram of silver, 150 kirogramkilograms of copper and 100 grams of palladium from them. Given that even in a gold mine in South Africa, 1 ton of ore can yield only 4 to 5 grams of gold, a cell-phone is nothing but a true gold mine.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。

 

添削後の文章

 

Precious metals are used for cell-phones. If we collect twenty thousand cell-phones weighing approximately 1 ton without batteries, we will be able to extract 200 grams of gold, 1 kilogram of silver, 150 kilograms of copper and 100 grams of palladium. Given that even in a gold mine in South Africa, 1 ton of ore can yield only 4 to 5 grams of gold, a cell-phone is nothing but a true gold mine.

 

 

読者からの投稿 20(riba, 7 January 09

 

There are expensive metals in a cell-phone. If you remove the rechargeable battery out of a cell phone, you can get the metals from the rest of the cell phone. They are gold, silver, copper, and palladium. About 20,000 cell phones, weighing about 1 ton, would give you 200 grams of gold ,1 kilogram of silver, 150 kilograms of copper, 100 grams of palladium. You can get only four or five grams gold out of 1 ton of raw stones even in gold mines in Africa. You can call cell-phones ‘gold mines'.

 

添削

 

There are eExpensive metals are used for in a cell- phone1. If you remove a the rechargeable battery out of a cell phone, you can separate get the metals from the rest of the cell phone. They are gold, silver, copper, and palladium. About 20,000 cell phones, weighing about 1 ton without batteries2, will would give you 200 grams of gold ,1 kilogram of silver, 150 kilograms of copper, and100 grams of palladium. You can get only four to or five grams gold out of 1 ton of gold ore raw stones even in the best3 gold mines in Africa. You can call cell-phones ‘gold mines'.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       ここは日本文の内容どおりのほうがわかりやすいでしょう。

 

2.       前の文でバッテリーを取り除くことが書いてありますが、重量にかんしてはこの句を入れる必要があります。

 

3.       日本文にはありませんが、こういうことを言いたいのだとおもいます。

 

添削後の文章

 

Expensive metals are used for a cell phone. If you remove a rechargeable battery out of a cell phone, you can separate the metals from the rest of the cell phone. They are gold, silver, copper, and palladium. About 20,000 cell phones, weighing about 1 ton without batteries, will give you 200 grams of gold,1 kilogram of silver, 150 kilograms of copper, and100 grams of palladium. You can get only four to five grams gold out of 1 ton of gold ore even in the best gold mines in Africa. You can call cell-phones ‘gold mines'.

 

 

読者からの投稿 19(P&C, 26 June 08

 

There are some precious metals in the materials of mobile phone. If you gather about 20,000 used mobile phones without batteries, which weigh about 1 ton, you can abstract 200g of gold, 1kg of silver, 150kg of bronze and 100g of palladium. It is said that at even gold mines of South Africa, 1 ton of gold ores can produce only 4-5g of gold. So you can say that a lot of used mobile phones are just "treasury of precious metals".

 

添削

 

There are some precious metals in the materials of used for mobile phone. If you gather about 20,000 used mobile phones without batteries, which weigh about 1 ton, you can abstract extract 200 grams1 of gold, 1 kg kilogram of silver, 150 kilograms of bronze and 100 grams of palladium. It is said that at even good gold mines in of South Africa, 1 ton of gold ores can produce only 4 to- 5 grams of gold. So you can say that a lot of used mobile phones is are just "a treasurye box of precious metals".

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       重さなどの単位がたくさん出てくる技術文では略号を用いますが、このような短い文章では略号は用いないほうが読み易くまた丁寧に書かれた文章という印象を作ります。

 

添削後の文章

 

There are some precious metals in the materials used for mobile phone. If you gather about 20,000 used mobile phones without batteries, which weigh about 1 ton, you can extract 200 grams of gold, 1 kilogram of silver, 150 kilograms of bronze and 100 grams of palladium. It is said that at even good gold mines in South Africa, 1 ton of gold ore can produce only 4 to 5 grams of gold. So you can say that a used mobile phone is just "a treasure box of precious metals".

 

 

読者からの投稿 18(おばさん、3 March 08

 

Precious metals are used inside of the cell phone. From 20.000 cell phone without batteries, whose weight is equivalent to 1 ton, you can get 200grams of gold, 1 kilogram of silver, 150 grams of copper, and 100 grams of palladium. Even in a gold mine in South Africa, only 4 to 5 grams of gold is extracted from 1 ton of raw stone. So, the cell phone is really y a "goldmine.

 

添削

 

Precious metals are used inside for of the cell phone. From 20.,000 cell phones without batteries, whose weight is equivalent to 1 ton, you can get 200 grams of gold, 1 kilogram of silver, 150 grams of copper, and 100 grams of palladium. Even in a gold mine in South Africa, only 4 to 5 grams of gold is extracted from 1 ton of raw gold orestone. So, the cell phone is really y a "gold mine.

 

内容の総てがわかります。

 

添削後の文章

 

Precious metals are used for the cell phone. From 20,000 cell phones without batteries, whose weight is equivalent to 1 ton, you can get 200 grams of gold, 1 kilogram of silver, 150 grams of copper, and 100 grams of palladium. Even in a gold mine in South Africa, only 4 to 5 grams of gold is extracted from 1 ton of gold ore. So, the cell phone is really y a "gold mine”.

 

 

読者からの投稿 17(kk, 21 January 08

 

The cell phones consist of expensive metals. From about 20,000 cell phones without rechargeable batteries, weighing 1 ton, we can extract 200 grams of gold, 1 kilogram of silver, 150 kilograms of copper, and 100 grams of palladium. Considering that only 4 or 5 grams of gold can be extracted from 1 ton of rude ores even in the mines of South Africa, the cell phones are just "a mine of treasure".

 

添削

 

The cell phones1 uses2 some consist of expensive metals. From about 20,000 cell phones, weighing about one ton without rechargeable batteries, weighing 1 ton, we can extract 200 grams of gold, 1 kilogram of silver, 150 kilograms of copper, and 100 grams of palladium. Considering that only 4 or to 5 grams of gold can be extracted from 1 ton of rude gold ores even in the mines of South Africa, the cell phones is are really just "a mine of treasure".

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       the cell phoneまたはcell phonesで携帯電話全体の総称になります。

 

2.       the cell phone consists of expensive metals.とすると携帯電話が貴金属でできている、となります。

 

添削後の文章

 

The cell phone uses some expensive metals. From about 20,000 cell phones, weighing about one ton without rechargeable batteries, we can extract 200 grams of gold, 1 kilogram of silver, 150 kilograms of copper, and 100 grams of palladium. Considering that only 4 to 5 grams of gold can be extracted from 1 ton of gold ore even in the mines of South Africa, the cell phone is really "a mine of treasure".

 

 

読者からの投稿 16(dunkel, 21 October 07

 

We can find many kinds of expensive metals in our cellular phones. We can collect about 200g of gold, 1kg of silver, 150kg of bronze, 100g of palladium from about 20,000 of cellar phones without batteries. We must look the cellar phones as the treasure mountains because we can get only 4 or 5 gram of gold from 1t of original rocks of which weight is equal to the 20,000 cellar phones.

 

添削

 

We can find many kinds of expensive metals in our cellular phones. We can collect about 200 grams1 of gold, 1 kilograms of silver, 150 kilograms of bronze, and 100 grams of palladium from about 20,000 of cellar cellular phones without batteries. We must regard look the cellar cellular phones as the a treasure mountains because we can get only 4 to or 5 grams of gold from 1 ton of gold ore at South African gold mines. original rocks of which weight is equal to the 20,000 cellar  phonescellular phones weigh about one ton2.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       一般的な文章では重量の単位は省略形ではなくてgrams, kilogramsと書いたほうが文章が読みやすいでしょう。g, kg, tなどは記号だから、英文に記号を混入させるな、と言うピュアリストもいます。

 

2.       20,000cellular phones weigh about one ton.と携帯電話を主語にするとわかりやすいです。

 

添削後の文章

 

We can find many kinds of expensive metals in our cellular phones. We can collect about 200 grams of gold, 1 kilograms of silver, 150 kilograms of bronze, and 100 grams of palladium from about 20,000 of cellular phones without batteries. We must regard cellular phones as a treasure mountain because we can get only 4 to 5 grams of gold from 1 ton of gold ore at South African gold mines. 20,000 cellular phones weigh about one ton.

 

 

読者からの投稿 15(マーチャン、24 August 07

 

Expensive metals are used in mobile phones. If we gather about 20,000 mobile phones or one ton in weight, we can extract 200 grams of gold, one kilogram of silver, 150 kilograms of copper and 100 grams of palladium. Even in a gold mine in South Africa, they can extract only four to five grams of gold from one ton of gold ore. Mobile phones are truly a goldmine.

 

添削

 

Expensive metals are used in mobile phones. If we gather about 20,000 mobile phones or one ton in weight, we can extract 200 grams of gold, one kilogram of silver, 150 kilograms of copper and 100 grams of palladium. Even in a gold mine in South Africa, they can extract only four to five grams of gold from one ton of gold ore. Mobile phones are truly a goldmine1.

 

コメント

 

1.       英文の内容の総てがわかります。

 

添削後の文章

 

添削箇所はありません。

 

 

読者からの投稿 14(散歩人、7 April 07

 

Rare metals are used in mobile phones. Have you Collected 20,000 mobile phones  from which the batteries were taken off, you could get some of rare metals. For example, gold is 200 gram, silver is 1 kilogram, palladium is 100 gram. Even at a gold mine in South Africa, the mobile phones are just like wealth of treasures because it seems to be said that the amount of gold produced from 1t a rough gold is only 4-5 gram.

 

添削

 

Rare metals are used in for mobile phones. Have When you Ccollected 20,000 mobile phones and take off from which the batteries were taken off1, you could can get some of rare metals. For example, 200 grams of gold2 is 200 gram, 1 kilograms of silver is 1 kilogram, and 100 grams of palladium is 100 gram. Even at a gold mine in South Africa, the amount of gold produced from 1 ton of gold ore is only 4-5 grams . the mMobile phones are just like a box wealth of treasures because it seems to be said that. the amount of gold produced from 1t a rough gold is only 4-5 gram.

 

コメント

 

1.       主語をyouで統一すると文が読みやすくなります。

 

2.       ここは前の文から続けて添削のようにすると文が簡単になります。

 

添削後の文章

 

Rare metals are used for mobile phones. When you collect 20,000 mobile phones and take off batteries, you can get 200 grams of gold, 1 kilograms of silver, and 100 grams of palladium. Even at a gold mine in South Africa, the amount of gold produced from1 ton of gold ore is only 4-5 grams. Mobile phones are just like a box of treasures.

 

 

読者からの投稿 13(もき、28 January 07

 

A mobile phone is made from valuable metal. If we collect twenty thousands of mobile phones without rechargeable batteries, total weight is almost one ton, we can get 200 grams of gold, 1 kilograms of silver, 150 kilograms of copper and 100 grams of palladium. It is said that we can get only 4 to 5 grams of gold from 1 ton of raw stones at gold mine in South Africa, so mobile phones are just 'Mt. Treasure.'

 

添削

 

A mobile phone is made from of several kinds of valuable metal1. If we collect twenty thousands of mobile phones without rechargeable batteries, the total weight is will be almost one ton., Out of this amount of mobile phones2, we can get 200 grams of gold, 1 kilograms of silver, 150 kilograms of copper and 100 grams of palladium. It is said that we can get only 4 to 5 grams of gold from 1 ton of gold ore raw stones at gold mines in South Africa., sSo a mobile phones is are just really 'Mt.a mountain of Ttreasure3.'

 

コメント

 

1.       正確には携帯電話のある部品には高価な金属が使われている。Some parts of a mobile phone is made of valuable metal.でしょうが、投稿のままで内容はわかります。

 

2.       短い文章ですが、前の文とのつながりを良くするために、このような内容を繰り返すとよいでしょう。

 

3.       Mt. TreasureMt. Fujiのように「宝山」ですね。ここでは日本語の慣用句の「宝の山」を使っているのですが、英文では「山」を使った慣用的な表現は無いのでa mountain of treasureと一般的な表現にするとよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

A mobile phone is made of several kinds of valuable metal. If we collect twenty thousands of mobile phones without rechargeable batteries, the total weight will be almost one ton. Out of this amount of mobile phones, we can get 200 grams of gold, 1 kilogram of silver, 150 kilograms of copper and 100 grams of palladium. It is said that we can get only 4 to 5 grams of gold from 1 ton of gold ore at gold mines in South Africa. So a mobile phone is really a mountain of treasure.

 

 

読者からの投稿 12(Hanasaki, 17 November 06

 

Valuable metals are used for cell-phones. From one ton of cell-phones without vatteries, equivalent to twenty thousand cell-phones, 200 grams of gold, 1 kilogram of silver, 150 kilograms of copper, 100 grams of palladium can be extracted. It is said that even from one ton of gold ore at the goldmine in South Africa, only 4 to 5 grams of gold is extracted. Cell-phones are really wealth of treasure.

 

添削

 

Valuable metals are used for cell-phones. From one ton of cell-phones without vatteries batteries, equivalent to twenty thousand cell-phones, 200 grams of gold, 1 kilogram of silver, 150 kilograms of copper, 100 grams of palladium can be extracted. It is said that even from one ton of gold ore at the a1 goldmine in South Africa, only 4 to 5 grams of gold is extracted. Therefore, a Ccell-phones is are really wealth of a treasure box2.

 

コメント

 

1.       南アフリカには幾つも金鉱山があるので、ここでは不定冠詞がよいでしょう。

 

2.       前の文とのつながりを良くするようにThereforeをいれました。「宝の山」はいろいろな表現ができるでしょうが、携帯電話の形に対応してa treasure boxとしました。Cell-phones are wealth of treasure.とすると、wealth, treasureという同じような意味の言葉が二つ重なります。また、「宝の山(基となるもの)」の「山」の意味が薄くなります。

 

添削後の文章

 

Valuable metals are used for cell-phones. From one ton of cell-phones without batteries, equivalent to twenty thousand cell-phones, 200 grams of gold, 1 kilogram of silver, 150 kilograms of copper, 100 grams of palladium can be extracted. It is said that even from one ton of gold ore at a goldmine in South Africa, only 4 to 5 grams of gold is extracted. Therefore, a cell-phones is really a treasure box.

 

 

読者からの投稿 11(吉、15 November 06

 

A cell phone consists of valuable metals. If you collected about 20,000 units of cell phones without batteries which weighs about one ton, you cloud extract 200 grams of gold, one kilogram of silver, 150 kilogram of copper and 100 gram of palladium. Even in mines in South Africa, you could extract no more than four to five gram of gold per one ton rude ore. That is why cell phones are called treasure-trove.

 

添削

 

A cell phone consists contains of1 valuable metals. If you collected2 about 20,000 units of cell phones, without batteries, which weighs about one ton, you cloud can extract 200 grams of gold, one kilogram of silver, 150 kilograms of copper and 100 grams of palladium. Even in at gold mines in South Africa, you could can extract no more than four to five grams of gold per one ton rude gold ore. That is why cell phones are called a treasure-trove.

 

コメント

 

1.       形態には高価な金属も使われていますが、高価な金属だけで作られている訳ではないですね。

 

2.       実際に携帯を集めればこうなるので、現在形でよいです。

 

添削後の文章

 

A cell phone contains valuable metals. If you collecte about 20,000 units of cell phones, without batteries, which weigh about one ton, you can extract 200 grams of gold, one kilogram of silver, 150 kilograms of copper and 100 grams of palladium. Even at gold mines in South Africa, you can extract no more than four to five grams of gold per one ton gold ore. That is why cell phones are called a treasure-trove.

 

 

読者からの投稿 10(岩ちゃん、31 October 06

 

Expensive metals are used in mobile phones. If we gathered about 20,000 mobile phones or one ton in weight, we could take 200 grams of gold, one kilogram of silver, 150 kilograms of copper and 100 grams of palladium from them. Even in a gold mine in South Africa, they take gold between only four grams and five from one ton of a raw stone. Mobile phones are truly a goldmine.

 

添削

 

Expensive metals are used in mobile phones. If we gathered1 about 20,000 mobile phones or one ton in weight, we could can take extract2 200 grams of gold, one kilogram of silver, 150 kilograms of copper and 100 grams of palladium from them. Even in a gold mine in South Africa, they can extract take gold between only four grams to and five grams of gold3 from one ton of gold ore a raw stone. Mobile phones are truly a goldmine.

 

コメント

 

1.       既に貴金属を携帯電話から回収する業者がいます。ここでは実際に携帯電話を集めれば貴金属が回収できるので動詞は現在形でよいでしょう。

 

2.       一般的にプレイン・イングリッシュでは使い慣れたやさしい単語を使いますが、適宜、文に適切な単語を探して見るのも勉強になります。「取り出す」の日本語を「抽出する」と言い換えてから和英でしらべるとextractが出てきます。

3.       they can extract gold in the amount of four to five grams.と、extractの次に目的語goldを置いて表現できますが、they can extract four to five grams of goldfour to five grams of goldという短い句にすると読みやすいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

Expensive metals are used in mobile phones. If we gather about 20,000 mobile phones or one ton in weight, we can extract 200 grams of gold, one kilogram of silver, 150 kilograms of copper and 100 grams of palladium. Even in a gold mine in South Africa, they can extract  only four to five grams of gold from one ton of gold ore. Mobile phones are truly a goldmine.

 

 

読者からの添削 9(だっち、4 September 06

 

Expensive metals are used for mobile phones. If you pick up 20000 mobile phones taken off batteries, the weight will be 1t, and you will be able to get 200g golds, 1kg silvers, 150kg coppers, and 100g palladiums from them. Even in the gold mines of South-Africa, they say that you can get only 4 or5g from 1t ore. Therefore, mobile phones are just “treasure mountains".

 

添削

 

Expensive metals are used for mobile phones. If you pick up 20,000 mobile phones and taken off batteries, their weight will be 1t one ton1., and From this amount of mobile phones, you will be able to get 200ggrams of golds2, 1 kilograms of kg silvers, 150 kilograms of kg coppers, and 100g grams of palladiums from them. Even in the gold mines of South-Africa, they say that you can get only 4 or5g to five grams of gold from 1t one ton of ore. Therefore, mobile phones are just  the mountain of treasures mountains".

 

コメント

 

1.       度量衡の単位は1tと省略して書かずにone tonとしたほうが読者にわかりやすくなります。

 

2.       gold, silverなどは物質名詞なので複数形にはなりません。英文の内容の順序は日本文と同じですが、適切なところ区切っているのでわかりやすいですね。

 

添削後の文章

 

Expensive metals are used for mobile phones. If you pick up 20,000 mobile phones and take off batteries, their weight will be one ton. From this amount of mobile phones, you will be able to get 200 grams of gold, 1 kilograms of silver, 150 kilograms of copper, and 100 grams of palladium. Even in the gold mines of South-Africa, they say that you can get only 4 to five grams of gold from one ton of ore. Therefore, mobile phones are just “the mountain of treasures ".

 

 

読者からの投稿 8(NMK, 15 May 06

 

Some parts of cell phone were made by precious metals. We can take out two hundreds grams of gold, a kilogram of silver, a hundred and fifty kilograms of copper and a hundred of palladium from twenty thousands cell phones without charge batteries as a ton. It is says that we can take out only 4 or 5 grams of gold from a ton of gemstone in goldmine in South Africa. Therefore, cell phones are really the mountain of treasures.

 

添削

 

Some parts of cell phones are were made by of precious metals1. We can take out two hundreds grams of gold, a kilogram of silver, a hundred and fifty kilograms of copper and a hundred grams of palladium from twenty thousands cell phones (roughly weighing one ton without charge batteries2). as a ton. It is says said that we can take out only 4 or to 5 grams of gold from a ton of gemstone gold ore3 in the goldmine in South Africa. Therefore, cell phones are really the mountain of treasures.

 

コメント

 

1.       「携帯電話には高価な金属が使われている。」は内容を理解してSome parts of cell phones are made of precious metals.と表現したのでわかりやすいですね。

 

2.       これはおまけの説明なので括弧に入れたらどうでしょうか。

 

3.       gold ore金原石、iron ore鉄原石などのようにoreという言葉があります。

 

添削後の文章

 

Some parts of cell phones are made of precious metals. We can take out two hundred grams of gold, a kilogram of silver, a hundred and fifty kilograms of copper and a hundred grams of palladium from twenty thousand cell phones (roughly weighing one ton without batteries). It is said that we can take out only 4 to 5 grams of gold from a ton of gold ore in the goldmine in South Africa. Therefore, cell phones are really the mountain of treasures.

 

 

読者からの投稿 7(バリコ、17 March 06

 

A mobile phone is composed of expensive metals. Gold 200g, silver 1kg, copper 150kg and palladium 100g can be extracted out of about 20.000 mobile phones without a buttery, weighed 1 ton together. Even in South African gold mine, only 4 to 5g gold is said to be extracted from 1ton raw ore. A mobile phone is just "a gold mine."

 

添削

 

A mobile phone is composed of parts that use1 expensive metals. Gold About 200 grams2 of gold, silver 1 kilograms of silver, copper 150 kilograms of copper and palladium 100 grams of palladium can be extracted out of about 20,.000 mobile phones that weigh about 1 ton without a butteryies, weighed 1 ton together3. Even in at a South African gold mine, only 4 to 5 grams gold is said to be extracted from 1 ton raw gold ore. A mobile phone is just really "a gold mine."

 

コメント

 

1.       携帯電話の全部が貴金属でできているわけではないの添削のようにすると正確な表現になるでしょう。

 

2.       フォーマルな文章では計量単位の省略形を使わないほうがよいでしょう。

 

3.       「携帯電話二万台から〜できる。そして(二万台の携帯電話はバッテリーを除くと一トンの重さがある。)と二つの文に分けてから、添削のように関係代名詞を使ってつなげると簡単になります。

 

添削後の文章

 

A mobile phone is composed of parts that use expensive metals. About 200 grams of gold,  1 kilograms of silver, 150 kilograms of copper and 100 grams of palladium can be extracted out of about 20,000 mobile phones that weigh about 1 ton without butteries. Even at a South African gold mine, only 4 to 5 grams gold is said to be extracted from 1 ton gold ore. A mobile phone is really "a gold mine."

 

 

読者からの投稿 6(tange, 16 February 06

 

A variety of expensive metals are used for mobile phones. When you collect about 20,000 phones (1 ton) without battery, you get 200 g of gold, 1 kg of silver, 150 kg of copper and 100 g of palladium. Normally, you can get only 4-5 g of gold from 1 ton of rough stones in the mountains of Africa. Mobile phones, this is a ‘treasure-trove’.

 

添削

 

A variety of expensive metals are used for mobile phones. When you collect about 20,000 phones (1 ton) without batteryies), you can get 200 grams1 of gold, 1 kg kilograms of silver, 150 kg kilograms of copper and 100 grams of palladium. Normally, you can get only 4-to 5 grams of gold from 1 ton of rough stones gold ore at gold mines in South Africa2 in the mountains of Africa. Mobile phones are really , this is a ‘treasure-trove’3.

 

コメント

 

1.       省略記号を使わずにgrams, kilogramsとしたほうが読者に読みやすくなります。読者が文章を読むときには頭の中で単語を発音しているので、gよりgramsのほうが自然に感じます。

 

2.       「南アフリカの金鉱山からの原石1トン」と日本文の内容に忠実なほうが良いでしょう。

 

3.       Mobile phones, they are a “treasure-trove.”として驚きを決めた表現にしてもも良いでしょうが、添削ではreallyを入れて A is B. という一般的な文型にしました。

 

添削

 

A variety of expensive metals are used for mobile phones. When you collect about 20,000 phones (1 ton without batteries), you can get 200 grams of gold, 1 kilograms of silver, 150 kilograms of copper and 100 grams of palladium. Normally, you can get only 4 to 5 grams of gold from 1 ton of gold ore at gold mines in South Africa. Mobile phones are really a ‘treasure-trove’.

 

 

読者からの投稿 5(rikarika, 1 Aug 05

 

Mobile phone contains precious metals. If you gather 20 thousands pieces or one ton of weight of battery removed mobile phones, you can extract 200g of gold, 1kg of silver, 150g of copper and 100g of palladium. It is said that only 4g or 5g of gold are extracted from ton of ore even from South African gold mine, So mobile phone is exactly a ‘treasure mountain

 

添削

 

A Mmobile phone contains precious metals. If you gather 20 thousands pieces, or one ton, of mobile phones without weight of batteryies removed mobile phones1, you can extract 200ggrams2 of gold, 1 kilo-grams kg of silver, 150ggrams of copper and 100ggrmas of palladium. It is said that only 4ggrams or 5ggrams of gold are extracted from one ton of gold ore even from South African gold mines,. So a mobile phone is exactly a ‘treasure mountain.

 

コメント

 

1.       a battery-removed mobile phoneでも意味はわかりますが、「バッテリーを取り除いた特殊な携帯電話?」という疑問も浮かぶので、a mobile phone without batteriesがよいでしょう。

 

2.       短い文章では重さの略式表現を使わないほうが、文章が読みやすくなります。

 

添削後の文章

 

A mobile phone contains precious metals. If you gather 20 thousand, or one ton, of mobile phones without batteries, you can extract 200grams of gold, 1 kilo-grams of silver, 150grams of copper and 100grmas of palladium. It is said that only 4grams or 5grams of gold are extracted from one ton of gold ore even from South African gold mines. So a mobile phone is exactly a ‘treasure mountain.

 

 

読者からの投稿 4(オーピー、17 April 05

 

Cellular phones contain much precious metal material. About twenty thousands cellphones without battery, which are about 1 tons weigh, contain 200grams of gold material,1kilogram of silver material 150kilograms of copper,150grams of palladium. Considered that 1ton of rude ore mined from South Africa contain only four or five grams of gold,It is natural that cellular phone is called treasure-trove.

 

添削

 

Cellular phones contain much a variety of1 precious metal materials. About twenty thousands cellular phones without batteryies, which are weigh2 about 1 one tons weigh, contain 200 grams of gold material,1 kilogram of silver material ,150 kilograms of copper, and 150 grams of palladium. Considering ed that one 1ton of rude gold ore mined from South African mines3  contain only four or to five grams of gold, It is natural that the cellular phone is called a treasure -trove.

 

コメント

 

数字がたくさん有る文章ですが、オーピーさんは読みやすく整理しています。

 

1.       一個一個の携帯電話に含まれる貴金属は微量なので、a variety of とするとよいでしょう。

 

2.       動詞を使うと文が簡単になり読みやすくなります。

 

3.       Gold ore mined from South African minesgold ore mined in South Africaにします。

 

添削後の文章

 

Cellular phones contain a variety of1 precious metal materials. About twenty thousand cellular phones without batteries, which weigh about one ton, contain 200 grams of gold,1 kilogram of silver,150 kilograms of copper, and 150 grams of palladium. Considering  that one ton of gold ore mined from South African mines contain only four to five grams of gold, It is natural that the cellular phone is called a treasure trove.

 

 

読者からの投稿 3(かっぱん、10 April 05

 

Cellular phones contain many precious metals. If we collect about 20,000 cellular phones without batteries, or 1 ton cellular phones, we can extract 200 gram of gold, 1 kilogram of silver, 150 gram of copper, and 100 gram of palladium from those. Considering that we can extract only 4 to 5 gram of gold even from 1 ton of gold ore from gold mine in South Africa, we can say that cellular phones are “gold mine”.

 

添削

 

Cellular phones contain many kinds of1 precious metals. If we collect about 20,000 cellular phones without batteries, or 1 ton of cellular phones without batteries2, we can extract 200 grams of gold, 1 kilogram of silver, 150 grams of copper, and 100 grams of palladium from those. Considering that we can extract only 4 to 5 grams of gold even from 1 ton of gold ore even3 from good gold mines in South Africa, we can say that cellular phones are really “gold mines”.

 

添削

 

1.       many の意味をはっきりさせるためにmany kinds of としたほうがよいでしょう。

 

2.       ここにおいたほうが文がすっきりします。

 

3.       「(良質な金鉱石を産出することで有名な)南アフリカの金鉱山の金鉱石でさえも」と言うことを強調するためにはevenはここに置きます。

 

添削後の文章

 

Cellular phones contain many kinds of precious metals. If we collect about 20,000 cellular phones, or 1 ton of cellular phones without batteries, we can extract 200 grams of gold, 1 kilogram of silver, 150 grams of copper, and 100 grams of palladium. Considering that we can extract only 4 to 5 grams of gold from 1 ton of gold ore even from good gold mines in South Africa, we can say that cellular phones are really “gold mines”.

 

 

読者からの投稿 2(tonton, 1 Feb 03

 

Quite precious metals are used for cellular phones. If we collect 1tn of cellular phones, which would be about twenty thousand pieces without storage batteries, we can get 200g of gold, 1kg of silver, 150kg of copper ,and 100g of palladium out of them.  Even from those gold mines in South Africa, they can only produce 4-5g of gold per 1tn of ore.  Cellular phones are truly a bunch of treasure!

 

添削

 

Quite precious -Precious 1metals are used for cellular phones. If we collect 1tn one ton2 of cellular phones, which would be equivalent to about twenty thousand pieces without storage batteries, we can get 200 gramsg of gold, 1kg one kilograms of silver, 150kg kilograms of copper ,and 100 gramsg of palladium out of them. Even from those good gold mines in South Africa3, they can only produce only 4-5g  4 to 5 grams of gold per one 1tn ton of ore. Cellular phones are truly a bunch of treasures!

 

コメント

 

1.       precious metalsは貴金属を指す普通名詞で、金、銀、パラジウムを含みますからquiteはいりません。

 

2.       短い文章なので、略語を使わずに、ton, gram, kilogramとしたほうが良いでしょう。

 

3.       Even from those gold mines in South Africathoseがあるので「知ってのとおりの例の南アフリカの金鉱山でさえも」ということので、何が「知ってのとおり」なのか説明するために、「知ってのとおりに良質な」という意味でgoodを入れました。

 

添削後の文章

 

Precious metals are used for cellular phones. If we collect one ton of cellular phones, which would be equivalent to about twenty thousand pieces without batteries, we can get 200 grams of gold, one kilograms of silver, 150 kilograms of copper ,and 100 grams of palladium out of them. Even from those good gold mines in South Africa, they can only produce only 4 to 5 grams of gold per one ton of ore. Cellular phones are truly a bunch of treasures!

 

 

読者からの投稿 1(パンダ、1 Dec 02

 

Expensive metals are used for the components of cellular phones. From about 20,000 cellular phones, equivalent to about 1,000 kilograms excluding batteries, we can extract 100 grams of palladium, 200 grams of gold, 1 kilogram of silver, and 150 kilograms of copper. At gold mines in South Africa, they can extract only 4 to 5 grams of gold from 1,000 kilograms of gold ore. Cellular phones are really great gold mines.

 

添削

 

Expensive metals are used for the components of cellular phones.. From about 20,000 cellular phones, equivalent to about 1,000 kilograms excluding batteries, we can extract -1100 grams of palladium, 200 grams of gold, 1 kilogram of silver, and 150 kilograms of copper can be extracted from about 20,000 cellular phones, or about 1 ton of cellular phones without batteries. At –In comparison, gold mines in South Africa, they - 2can extract only 4 to 5 grams of gold from 1,000 kilograms of gold ore. Cellular phones are really great gold mines.

 

コメント

 

パンダさんの投稿例は日本文の構文に沿って内容を表現してあります。投稿例のままでも内容は良く分かると思いますが、より効果的な読みやすい英文にするために少し変えてみました。

 

初級練習問題7のコメントでも説明しましたが、英文では文の最初と最後の部分に読者の注意が向きます。From about 20,000 cellular phones…は長い修飾句なので、ここではどれくらいの貴金属が取れるかという要点を最初に来るようにして、修飾句は文の最後にしました。

 

Gold minesを主語にすると文がすっきりします。日本文と比較すると、パンダさんのように英語で表現したくなりますが、gold mines を主語にすると英語らしい英語になります。この感覚の相違を身につけるのはなかなか難しいですが、英文では常に一番効果的な主語の選択をする、と心得て練習するより仕方ありません。

 

添削後の文章

 

Expensive metals are used for the components of cellular phones. 100 grams of palladium, 200 grams of gold, 1 kilogram of silver, and 150 kilograms of copper can be extracted from about 20,000 cellular phones, or about 1 ton of cellular phones without batteries. In comparison, gold mines in South Africa, can extract only 4 to 5 grams of gold from 1,000 kilograms of gold ore. Cellular phones are really great gold mines.