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初級練習問題の添削 2

 

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松井選手が米大リーグへ移籍する意向を表明した11月1日の午前、日本テレビ株が値下がりした。人気選手の移籍でテレビ視聴率が落ちるといった懸念が出たようだ。

 

読者かあらの投稿 45(BURU, 29 September 15

 

As Mr. Matsui , a Japanese baseball player, declared to move Major league November 1 on the morning, the stock price of Nippon Television Network was dropped. The stock holders worried that the program rate of baseball game may drop down after the popular player leaving for US.

 

添削

 

As Mr. Matsui , a Japanese baseball player, declared to move  to the Major lLeague on the morning of November 1 on the morning, the stock price of Nippon Television Network was dropped. The stock holders worried that the program viewing rate of baseball games on Nippon TV might1 may drop down after the popular player left2 leaving for the US.

 

コメント

 

内容のすべてがわかります。

 

1.       過去の話なので、すべて過去形にします。

 

添削後の文章

 

As Mr. Matsui , a Japanese baseball player, declared to move  to the Major League on the morning of November 1, the stock price of Nippon Television Network  dropped. The stock holders worried that the viewing rate of baseball games on Nippon TV might  drop  after the popular player left for the US.

 

 

読者からの投稿 44(くろふね、10 September 15

 

Mr. Matsui said he want to go major league in USA at 1 November morning when Nihon television stocks are mark down. The market worried that it is reduce to the television rating due to releasing famous player.

 

添削

 

Mr. Matsui, a popular baseball player, said he wanted1 to go to the major league in the USA on the morning of at 1 November the first. morning when Then2, the price of Nihon television stocks  went are mark down immediately. The stock market worried that Mr. Matsui’s transfer3  it is would reduce to the television rating of Nippon TV due to releasing famous player.

 

コメント

 

内容の概略がわかります。

 

1.       動詞の時制の一致でここは過去形になります。

 

2.       Thenを入れて事柄の時間関係をはっきりします。Whenを使うと、When Mr. Matsui announced his transfer, the price of Nippon TV stock went down.となります。

 

3.       文の最後に理由を置くより、ここの置くほうがはっきりします。

 

添削後の文章

 

Mr. Matsui, a popular baseball player, said he wanted to go to the major league in the USA on the morning of  November the first.  Then, the price of Nihon television stock went  down immediately. The stock market worried that Mr. Matsui’s transfer  would reduce  the television rating of Nippon TV .

 

 

読者からの投稿 43(Best of British, 15 June 14

 

On November first in the morning, when Matsui, the baseball player announced transferring his registration to the majors, shares of Japan Television went down. It seems that the concern had emerged that the popular player's transfer would make viewing figures fallen.

 

添削

 

On the morning of November first in the morning, when Mr. Matsui, a famous Japanese the baseball player, announced transferring his registration to the American majors Major League, the shares of Japan Television went down. It seems that the concern had emerged that the popular player's transfer would make its viewing figures fallen.

 

コメント

 

内容の大部分がわかりますが、its viewing figureとしないと、これが日本テレビの視聴率を指していることが曖昧です。

 

添削後の文章

 

On the morning of November first  when Mr. Matsui, a famous Japanese  baseball player, announced transferring his registration to the American  Major League, the shares of Japan Television went down. It seems that  concern had emerged that the popular player's transfer would make its viewing figure fall.

 

 

読者からの投稿 42(owl, 11 November 13

 

Outfielder Hideki Matsui expressed his intention to transfer to the Major League Baseball on November 11, when the stock price of Nippon Television plunged. Apparently, there was a concern that the ratings would decline due to the transfer out of the popular player.

 

添削

 

On the morning of November 111, Ooutfielder Hideki Matsui expressed his intention to transfer to the Major League Baseball. Immediately after the announcement2, on November 11, when the stock price of Nippon Television plunged. Apparently, there was a concern that its audience share the ratings would decline due to the transfer out of the popular player.

 

コメント

 

内容のすべてがわかります。

 

1.       投稿のままですと、11月1日が松井が移籍を発表した日か、実際に移籍する日かはっきりしません。

 

2.       投稿のようなwhenの使いかた、「〜したその時に」と前の文に時を後ろに続ける形式はありません。When Matsui expressed his intension, the stock price plunged.というようにするか、または添削のようにします。

 

添削後の文章

 

On the morning of November 11, outfielder Hideki Matsui expressed his intention to transfer to the Major League Baseball. Immediately after the announcement,  the stock price of Nippon Television plunged. Apparently, there was a concern that its audience share  would decline due to the transfer out of the popular player.

 

 

読者からの投稿 41(sasuke, 21 July 13

 

Mr. Matsui, who is a professional baseball player, announced his intention to move to the U.S. major leagues on the morning of November 1st. At that time, the stock price of Nippon Television went down because of concerns that the audience share might decline due to the star player moving out.

 

添削

 

On the morning of November 11, Mr. Matsui, who is a professional baseball player, announced his intention to move to the U.S. mMajor lLeagues on the morning of November 1st. After the announcement, At that time, the stock price of Nippon Television went down because of concerns that the audience share of its TV programs might decline due to the star player’s2 moving to the United States out.

 

コメント

 

内容のすべてがわかります。

 

1.       元の位置ですと、松井に移籍に日時と紛らわしいので文頭に置いたほうがよいでしょう。

 

2.       分詞構文の主語は所有格の形になります。ここはdue to the star player’s transfer to the US Major Leaguesとしてもよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

On the morning of November 1, Mr. Matsui, who is a professional baseball player, announced his intention to move to the U.S. Major Leagues. After the announcement, the stock price of Nippon Television went down because of concerns that the audience share of its TV programs might decline due to the star player’s moving to the United States.

 

 

読者からの投稿 40(Ryu2, 19 January 13

 

The stock of Nippon TV dropped when Mr. Matsui appear his opinion that he want to move to the biggest of leagues on November 1st morning. The stock holders of Nippon TV concern about the audience share of TV would drop by moving marquee player.

 

添削

 

The stock price of Nippon TV dropped when Mr. Matsui, a popular baseball player1, announced appear his intention opinion on the morning of November 12 that he wanted to move to the American Major biggest of lLeagues on November 1st morning. The stock holders of Nippon TV were concerned about the audience share of Nippon TV would drop by the  moving of the marquee popular player.

 

コメント

 

内容の概略はわかりますが、松井がどこに行くのかはっきりしません。

 

1.       このような補足説明を入れると読者に親切でしょう。

 

2.       元の位置ですと11月1日に松井が移動する、というように読めますから、ここに移すとよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

The stock price of Nippon TV dropped when Mr. Matsui, a popular baseball player, announced  his intention  on the morning of November 1 that he wanted to move to the American Major Leagues. The stock holders of Nippon TV were concerned about the audience share of Nippon TV would drop by the  moving of the popular player.

 

 

読者からの投稿 39(ぷうたん、6 October 12

 

On the morning of November, the first, Matsui announced his will to transfer to American League of Baseball. The day, the stock price of Nihon television network rose down. Stakeholders would worry the decline of an audience rating due to the transfer of the popular player.

 

添削

 

On the morning of November, the first, a popular Japanese baseball player1, Mr. Matsui announced his intention will to transfer to the American Major Leagues of Baseball. On that The day, the stock price of Nihon Nippon tTelevision nNetwork fell rose down. Stakeholders seemed to be would worryied about the decline of an audience rating due to the transfer of the popular player.

 

コメント

 

内容のほぼ総てがわかりますが the stock price rose downrose downがわかりません。

 

1.       文章の最初にほうにこのような補足説明を入れるとよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

On the morning of November, the first, a popular Japanese baseball player, Mr. Matsui announced his intention to transfer to the American Major Leagues of Baseball. On that  day, the stock price of Nippon Television Network fell. Stakeholders seemed to be worried about the decline of an audience rating due to the transfer of the popular player.

 

 

読者からの投稿 38(文月、1 October 12

 

The stock price of Nippon Television dropped on the morning of November 1st, when Hideki Matsui, a famous Japanese baseball player, expressed his determination to move on to the US major leagues. It seemed to be concerned that this popular player’s transfer should cause television viewer ratings to decline.

 

添削

 

The stock price of Nippon Television dropped on the morning of November 1st, when Hideki Matsui, a famous Japanese baseball player, expressed his determination intention to move on to the US major leagues. The stock market1 It seemed to be concerned that this popular player’s transfer could2 should cause Nippon Television’s3 television viewer ratings to decline.

 

コメント

 

内容のほぼすべてがわかりますが、It seemed to be ~Itが何を指すのか曖昧です。

 

1.       It seemed that there was concern that ~またはIt seemed that the stock market was concerned that ~という構文ならItは一般的な対象をさしますが、It seemed to be concerned that ~とすると、このIt be concernedの主体となるものを指すので、Itだけでは曖昧になります。

 

2.       「松井の移籍が野球放送の視聴率を下げてしまうことが可能だ」という意味にします。might にすると、「松井の移籍が野球放送の視聴率を下げるかもしれない」となって内容が弱くなります。

 

3.       日本テレビの(野球放送の)の視聴率とはっきりするとよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

The stock price of Nippon Television dropped on the morning of November 1st when Hideki Matsui, a famous Japanese baseball player, expressed his intention to move on to the US major leagues. The stock market seemed to be concerned that this popular player’s transfer could cause Nippon Television’s viewer rating to decline.

 

 

 

読者からの投稿 37(Yasukaki, 29 March 12

 

The morning of the 1st of Nov when Mr. Matsui indicated to transfer to the majors, the stock price of NTV was decreased. The stock market worried that the audience share of NTV would be decreased due to the transfer of the popular player.

 

添削

 

On tThe morning of the 1st of November1 when Mr. Matsui indicated to transfer to the Major Leagues in the United States majors, the stock price of NTV was decreased. The stock market worried that the audience share of NTV would be decreased due to the transfer of the popular player.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       省略体を使わない方が文章の見栄えがよくなります。

 

添削後の文章

 

On the morning of the 1st of November when Mr. Matsui indicated to transfer to the Major Leagues in the United States, the stock price of NTV decreased. The stock market worried that the audience share of NTV would decrease due to the transfer of the popular player.

 

 

読者からの投稿 36(Valley winds, 15 February 12

 

On the morning of November 1st, when baseball player Matsui expressed his intention to move to MLB, Nippon Television stock dropped. There could be a worry that viewer ratings would decline due to the transferor the popular player.

 

添削

 

On the morning of November 1st, when a Japanese1 baseball player Mr. Matsui expressed his intention to move to the MLB in the United States, Nippon Television’s stock dropped. There could be a worry that Nippon Television’s2 viewer ratings would decline due to the transferor the popular player.

 

コメント

 

内容のすべてがわかります。

 

1.       英文の対象は英語を日常使う人、という想定なので「日本人の」という説明を入れた方がよいでしょう。松井選手はワールドシリーズの最高殊勲選手になったのですから、多くの人が知っているでしょうが。

 

2.       英文ではなるべく具体的に、というのが基本です。

 

添削後の文章

 

On the morning of November 1st when a Japanese baseball player Mr. Matsui expressed his intention to move to the MLB in the United States, Nippon Television’s stock dropped. There could be a worry that Nippon Television’s viewer rating would decline due to the transferor the popular player.

 

 

読者からの投稿 35(Ringo, 2 July 11

 

In the morning November 1 when Hideki Matsui, Japanese famous baseball player, announced he decided go to American league, the value of Nihon TV's stock got down. It seemed people worried about that an audience rating would get down because of his transfer.

 

添削

 

In On1 the morning of November 1 when Hideki Matsui, a famous Japanese famous baseball player, announced that he had decided to go to the Major League Baseball in the United States2 American league, the value of Nihon TV's stock went got down. It seemed that people were worried about that Nihon TV’s an audience rating would go get down because of his transfer.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       ある特別な朝、というときにはonを使います。

 

2.       こうすると正確な表現になります。

 

添削後の文章

 

On the morning of November 1 when Hideki Matsui, a famous Japanese baseball player, announced that he had decided to go to the Major League Baseball in the United States, the value of Nihon TV's stock went down. It seemed that people were worried that Nihon TV’s  audience rating would go down because of his transfer.

 

 

読者からの投稿 34(たっち、28 July 10

 

When Matsui declared to transfer to MLB on 1.November in the morning, the stock price of Nippon Television Network Corporation went down. It seems that investors were worried about down of an audience rating because of the transition of popular player.  

 

添削

 

On the morning of November the first W when Mr. Matsui, a popular Japanese baseball player, declared to his transfer to the MLB on 1.November in the morning, the stock price of Nippon Television Network Corporation went down. It seemsed that investors were worried about a decrease in the down of an audience rating of the company’ baseball game broadcasting because of the transition transfer3 of the popular player to the United States.

  

コメント

 

英文の内容の概略はわかりますが、添削のような補足説明を入れるとよいでしょう。この添削問題の英文は英語を日常言語をして使う人で日本のついての知識は少しあるがこまかなことは知らないという読者を想定しています。練習問題の日本文は日本の新聞記事を抜粋したものが多く、日本人の読者を対象にしているので、日本文を書いたひとと読者は暗黙の知識を共有しています。そのため、日本文の内容を英語で表現するときには、日本文の内容の背景にあるものを補足説明しなければいけないことがあります。

 

1.       declared to transferと動詞を二つ並べるより、declared his transfer動詞を一つにしたほうがわかりやすくなります。

 

2.       動詞の時制の一致で過去形にします。

 

3.       文章のなかで既にtransferと言う言葉を使っているので、同じ言葉を使って混乱が生じるのを防ぎます。

 

添削後の文章

 

On the morning of November the first when Mr. Matsui, a popular Japanese baseball player, declared his transfer to the MLB, the stock price of Nippon Television Network Corporation went down. It seemed that investors were worried about a decrease in the audience rating of the company’ baseball game broadcasting because of the transfer of the popular player to the United States.

 

 

 

読者からの投稿 33(Tatsuo, 18 December 09

 

When Mr. Matsui showed his intention to move to MLB on the 1st November in the morning. The stock price of Nihon TV went down. It seems that stock holders concern a dropping TV audience rate due to moving the popular player.   

 

添削

 

When Mr. Matsui showed announced his intention to move to the Major Leagues Baseball (MLB) on the 1st November in the morning of November 1.,1 Tthe stock price of Nihon TV went down. It seems that the stock holders are concerned with2 a possible dropping of the Nihon TV’s audience rate due to the move of moving  the popular player.   

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の概略はわかりますが、文構造に問題があります。

 

1.       この前は従属節、ここからが主節になりますね。

 

2.       I am concerned with your future. または I have concern about your future.というようにconcernを使います。

 

添削後の文章

 

When Mr. Matsui announced his intention to move to the Major Leagues Baseball (MLB) on  the morning of November 1, the stock price of Nihon TV went down. It seems that the stock holders are concerned with a possible drop of the Nihon TV’s audience rate due to the move of the popular player.   

 

 

読者からの投稿 32(Yoshi, 27 August 09

 

Mr. Matsui expressed his intent that he will transfer in the majors in the morning on November 1th and Nihon TV stock dropped. It appeared the concern of TV ratings dropping due to the transfer of the popular player.

 

添削

 

On the morning of November 1, Mr. Matsui, a popular baseball player, announced expressed his intention that he would will transfer to in the majors Major Leagues in the morning on November 1th and.  Immediately after the announcement, the price of Nihon TV stock dropped. It appeared that the concern that of the TV ratings of Nihon TV might dropping due to the transfer of the popular player caused this drop in stock price.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の概略はわかりますが、わからないところがあります。

 

1.       この文の構造がわかりません。添削のようないろいろな内容が入っています。This was because Mr. Matsui’s transfer could drop the TV rating of the baseball programs on Nihon TV. のように内容を言い換えると少し簡単になります。

 

添削後の文章

 

On the morning of November 1, Mr. Matsui, a popular baseball player, announced his intention that he would transfer to the Major Leagues. Immediately after the announcement, the price of Nihon TV stock dropped. It appeared that the concern that the TV ratings of Nihon TV might drop due to the transfer of the popular player caused this drop in stock price.

 

 

読者からの投稿 31(mxtomi, 14 June 09

 

On the morning of November 1st when the Yomiuri’s outfielder Matsui announced his intention to join the major leagues, the share price of Nippon Television went down.  It seems that his transfer has given rise to a concern among investors that the viewer rating of the company might decline after the popular player’s move-out.

 

添削

 

On the morning of November 1st when the Yomiuri’s outfielder Matsui announced his intention to join the mMajor lLeagues, the share price of Nippon Television went down.  It seems that his transfer has given rise to a concern among investors that the viewer rating of the company might decline after the popular player’s moves to the Major Leagues move-out2.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       名詞句よりも節にしたほうが文のバランスがよいでしょう(名詞句にすると文が突然終わる感じになる)。

 

添削後の文章

 

On the morning of November 1st when the Yomiuri’s outfielder Matsui announced his intention to join the Major Leagues, the share price of Nippon Television went down. It seems that his transfer has given rise to a concern among investors that the viewer rating of the company might decline after the popular player moves to the Major Leagues.

 

 

読者からの投稿 30(TOMOYA, 29 April 09

 

Nippon Television was a drop in price of its stocks on November 1st in the morning when Mr. Matsui, Japanese famous baseball player, stated that he was going to transfer to MLB. It is because the investors worried about a decrease in audience rating by this popular baseball player's transfer.

 

添削

 

The stock price of Nippon Television was a dropped in price of its stocks on the morning of November 1st in the morning when Mr. Matsui, a popular Japanese famous baseball player, stated that he was going to transfer to the MLB. It is because tThe investors1 were worried about a possible decrease in the audience rating of Nippon Television by this popular baseball player's transfer.

 

コメント

 

Nippon Television was a drop in price of its stocksはこれ自体では意味を持ちませんが、内容は推測できます。

 

1.       the investorsが主語なので、it this was is becauseが無くても前の文との関連はわかるでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

The stock price of Nippon Television dropped on the morning of November 1st when Mr. Matsui, a popular Japanese baseball player, stated that he was going to transfer to the MLB. The investors were worried about a possible decrease in the audience rating of Nippon Television by this popular baseball player's transfer.

 

 

読者からの投稿 29(riba, 4 January 09

 

Matsui Hideki, a Japanese professional baseball player, announced that he would move to the major leagues in the morning Nov. 1., when Nippon Television's stock dropped. Its stockholders probably worried that because the popular player would move, the audience rate would drop.

 

添削

 

On the morning of November the first1, Matsui Hideki, a Japanese professional baseball player, announced that he would move to the mMajor lLeagues in the United States morning Nov. 1., when. Immediately after the announcement2, the price of Nippon Television's stock dropped. The Its stockholders probably started worrying worried that the audience rate would drop3 after because the popular player would move, the audience rate would drop.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       この句が元の位置にあると、松井がメジャーリーグに移籍するのが11月1日だ、という解釈もできます。

 

2.       「松井が移籍を表明した。すると日本テレビの株が値下がりした。」というのが時間的な順序ですが、文章の中で一番重要な情報を文の始め(の方)に置く、という英文の一般的な構造に従えば、「日本テレビの株が値下がりした。これは松井の移籍表明による。」という順序になります。最初の順序のままで、二つの事柄の関連を強調するためにこの句を入れました。

 

3.       the audience rate would dropがこの文で一番重要な情報なのでこの位置に置きます。

 

添削後の文章

 

On the morning of November the first, Matsui Hideki, a Japanese professional baseball player, announced that he would move to the Major Leagues in the United States. Immediately after the announcement, the price of Nippon Television's stock dropped. The  stockholders probably started worrying that the audience rate would drop after the popular player would move.

 

 

読者からの投稿 28(かい、20 Aug 08

 

In the morning on November 1, the stock price of Nippon Television has declined in the stock market after Hideki Matsui, a baseball player, announced that he would transfer to the U.S major league . There seems to be concerns for declining audience ratings in the market because of the popular player's transfer.

 

添削

 

In On1 the morning of on November 1, the stock price of Nippon Television has declined2 in the stock market after Hideki Matsui, a baseball player, announced that he would transfer to the U.S major leagues . There seemsed to be concerns for a possibility of 3declining audience ratings of Nippon TV’s baseball program in the market because of the popular player's transfer.

 

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       午前中のある特定な時間に、というときにはon the morning of ~となります。午前中一般の時はIn the morningになります。In the morning, I study at home and in the afternoon I play baseball with my friends.

 

2.       単に過去形でよいでしょう。

 

3.       concern for the declining audience ratingとすると、既に減少が始まっている視聴率というようにもとれますから、正確には視聴率が減少する可能性に対する危惧、でしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

On the morning of November 1, the stock price of Nippon Television declined after Hideki Matsui, a baseball player, announced that he would transfer to the U.S major leagues. There seemed to be concern for a possibility of declining audience rating of Nippon TV’s baseball program because of the popular player's transfer.

 

 

読者からの投稿 27(ペテルスブルグ、14 July 08

 

The stock price of Japan TV dropped down, soon after Matsui expressed on November 1 that he would play in the American Major League.

 

It seemed to be worried that few people would watch baseball games on TV after this prominent player’s transfer.

 

添削

 

On the morning of November 1, Tthe stock price of Japan TV dropped down, soon after Mr. Matsui, a popular baseball player1, announced expressed on November 1 that he would play in the American Major Leagues.

 

It seemed that there was worry to be worried that fewer people would watch baseball games on TV after this prominent player’s transfer.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容のほぼ総てがわかりますがIt seemed to be worried that ~という構文の意味がわかりません。添削のようにするとよいでしょう。

 

この添削講座は英文の読者を「英文を日常使う人」と仮定しています。Matsuiが人名であることがわかるようにMr. Matsui, a popular baseball playerと説明するとよいでよう。

 

添削後の文章

 

On the morning of November 1, the stock price of Japan TV dropped down soon after Mr. Matsui, a popular baseball player, announced that he would play in the American Major Leagues.

 

It seemed that there was worry that fewer people would watch baseball games on TV after this prominent player’s transfer.

 

 

読者からの投稿 26(おばさん、26 February 08

 

Mr. Matsui, a famous baseball player, expressed his will to move to US Major League in the morning of November 1st, when the stock price of Nippon TV dropped. There seemed to be some fear that the popular player's transfer might cause the fall of audience rating.

 

添削

 

On the morning of November first1, Mr. Matsui, a famous baseball player, expressed his will intention to move to the US Major Leagues in the morning of November 1st, then immediately2 when the stock price of Nippon TV dropped. There seemed to be some fear that the popular player's transfer might cause the fall of Nippon TV’s audience rating.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       松井選手の移籍が11月1日とも取れます。文頭に持って来れば移籍の表明がこの日だとはっきりします。

 

2.       whenのこのような使い方もありますが、then immediately ~と時間の順序を追って記述したほうがはっきりするでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

On the morning of November first, Mr. Matsui, a famous baseball player, expressed his intention to move to the US Major Leagues, then immediately the stock price of Nippon TV dropped. There seemed to be some fear that the popular player's transfer might cause the fall of Nippon TV’s audience rating.

 

 

読者からの投稿 25(kk, 14 January 08

 

In the morning on the 1st in November, when Mr. Matsui who is a baseball player pronounced his decision to transfer himself to American major league, the stock price of Nippon Television got down. It seems that the fear of the falling in the TV ratings by the transfer of the popular baseball player has surficed.

 

添削

 

In the morning on the 1st first of in November1, when Mr. Matsui, who is a popular baseball player, pronounced his decision to transfer himself to the American mMajor lLeagues, the stock price of Nippon Television got went down. It seems that the fear of the falling in the TV ratings by the transfer of the popular baseball player has surficed caused this change2.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       In the morning of November the firstとすると簡単な表現になります。

 

2.       suffice? surfaced?のどちらも文に適当ではないので、直裁にcaused this changeとしました。

 

添削後の文章

 

In the morning on the first of November when Mr. Matsui, a popular baseball player, pronounced his decision to transfer himself to the American Major Leagues, the stock price of Nippon Television went down. It seems that the fear of the falling in the TV ratings by the transfer of the popular baseball player has caused this change.

 

 

読者からの投稿 24(dunkel, 19 October 07

 

Hideki Matsui, a famous professional baseball player in Japan, announced in the morning on November 1 that he tried to move to MLB. The stock price of Nippon Television which had the right on broadcasting the game of his team named Yomiuri Giants became lower because of the news. Stock holders seemed to worry about the declining of the program rating.

 

添削

 

Hideki Matsui, a famous professional baseball player in Japan, announced in on1 the morning on November 1 that he tried intended to move to the US Major Leagues (MLB). The stock price of Nippon Television which had the right on broadcasting the games of his team named Yomiuri Giants became fell lower because of after the news. Stock holders seemed to worry about the declining of the program rating.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。私は野球に詳しくないのでMLBといわれてもわかりませんが、日本人選手の活躍する米大リーグの人気が高い日本ではMLBだけでわかるのでしょうね。いろいろと説明が入っていて内容がわかりやすくなっています。

 

1.       On the morning of November 1, I will leave for Canada. というようにある特定な時間を指すときにはon the morning、一般的に午前中、In the morning I study and in the afternoon I play. というときはin the morningになります。

 

添削後の文章

 

Hideki Matsui, a famous professional baseball player in Japan, announced on the morning on November 1 that he intended to move to the US Major Leagues (MLB). The stock price of Nippon Television which had the right on broadcasting the games of his team named Yomiuri Giants fell after the news. Stock holders seemed to worry about the declining of the program rating.

 

 

読者からの投稿 23(マーチャン、23 August 07

 

On the morning of November 1 when the baseball player Matsui expressed his intention to move to the US major leagues, the price of Nippon Television's stocks went down. The anxiety that the TV rating of Nippon Television might fall by the transfer of the popular player seemed to have been the reason.

 

添削

 

On the morning of November 1 when the baseball player Matsui expressed his intention to move to the US major leagues, the price of Nippon Television's stocks went down. The anxiety that the TV rating of Nippon Television might fall by the transfer of the popular player seemed to have been the reason1.

 

コメント

 

1.       英文の内容の総てがわかります。

 

添削後の文章

 

On the morning of November 1 when the baseball player Matsui expressed his intention to move to the US major leagues, the price of Nippon Television's stock went down. The anxiety that the TV rating of Nippon Television might fall by the transfer of the popular player seemed to have been the reason.

 

 

読者からの投稿 22(散歩人、5 April 07

 

The morning of November 1st when Mr. Matsui declared his moving to the US major leagues, the price of Nippon Television (NTV) sank. It seemed that audience shares of NTV would decrease because of popular baseball player's moving.

 

添削

 

On Tthe morning of November 1st when Mr. Matsui declared his moving move1 to the US mMajor lLeagues, the stock price of Nippon Television (NTV) sank. It seemed that investors were concerned2 that the audience shares of NTV would decrease because of the popular baseball player's moving move to the US Major Leagues3.

 

コメント

 

1.       Mr. Matsui declared that he would move to ~またはMr. Matsui declared his move to ~がよいでしょう。Mr. Matsui declared his moving to ~ の動名詞はどうも収まりが悪く思います。

 

2.       日本文には明示してありませんが、「投資家は〜に懸念した」と「投資家」が隠れた主語になっています。この主語を入れて添削のようにすると、松井と株価降下の関係がはっきりします。

 

3.       おまけですがこれを入れると内容がはっきりします。英文では内容をはっきりさせるためにこのような繰り返しを厭いません。

 

添削後の文章

 

On the morning of November 1st when Mr. Matsui declared his move to the US Major Leagues, the stock price of Nippon Television (NTV) sank. It seemed that investors were concerned that the audience share of NTV would decrease because of the popular baseball player's move to the US Major Leagues.

 

 

読者からの投稿 21(もき、13 January 07

 

Japan-TV company's share price was falled when player Matsui showed his moving to North American League. They would have concerned that viewer rate would down because of moving of star player.

 

添削

 

Japan-TV Nippon Television’s1 company's share price fell was falled2 when the baseball player Matsui showed revealed3 his intention of moving to the North American Major Leagues. They would seemed4 to have concerned that the viewer rate of Nippon Television would go down because of the transfer moving of the star player.

 

コメント

 

1.       「日本テレビ」は固有名詞で、正式な英語名はNippon Television Network Corporationです。JapanでなくてNipponとなっているところが面白いですね。

 

2.       自動詞fallの過去形はfellですね。ところがfellという他動詞があります。この動詞は(fell, feIled, felled)と活用します。I felled him to the ground with just a one blow on the head.わたしは頭にゴツンと一発くらわして彼を地面に倒した。All trees on the lot were felled to clear the ground for a new house.新しい家を建てるために、その土地の木は皆切り倒された。というように使います。この問題では、「株が値下がりした」ので単にthe price fell.となります。

 

3.       showedよりrevealed初めて明らかにした、がよいでしょう。revealed his intention of moving to ~と、「メージャーリーグに移る積もりを明らかにした」とすると「積もり」が強調されます。revealed his moving to ~とするとrevealed that he was going to move to ~と同じ意味で、「メージャーリーグに移ることを明らかにした」という事実の表現になります。

 

4.       they would have concerned ~は、〜を気にするかもしれない、ですね。実際に株価が下がった原因を述べているので、they seemed to have concerned ~ 〜を気にしていたようだ、がよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

Nippon Television’s share price fell when the baseball player Matsui revealed his intention of moving to the North American Major Leagues. They seemed to have concerned that the viewer rate of Nippon Television would go down because of the transfer of the star player.

 

 

読者からの投稿 20(Hanasaki, 14 November 06

 

On the morning of November 1, the Nippon Television's stock price fell after Mr. Matsui had announced his transfer to the US Major Leagues. There seems to be a fear that the TV rating might drop by the popular star move.

 

添削

 

On the morning of November 1, the Nippon Television's stock price fell after Mr. Matsui had announced his transfer to the US Major Leagues. There seemsed1 to be a fear that the TV rating might drop by the transfer of the popular baseball star  move2.

 

コメント

 

1.       「懸念が出た」のは過去なので、それに合わせてThere seemed to ~と過去形にします。

 

2.       by the popular star moveと名詞を重なると意味が曖昧になるので英語では嫌います。by the move of the popular baseball starとするか、既に文の出てきたtransferを使ってby the transfer of the popular baseball starとします。意味がわかりやすくなるように同じtransferを使った後者がよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

On the morning of November 1, the Nippon Television's stock price fell after Mr. Matsui had announced his transfer to the US Major Leagues. There seemed to be a fear that the TV rating might drop by the transfer of the popular baseball star.

 

 

読者からの投稿 19(岩ちゃん、19 October 06

 

On the morning of November 1 when a pro baseball player, Matsui expressed his intention to move to the US major leagues, Nippon Television's stocks went down. The anxiety that a TV rating would fall by the removal of the popular player seemed to have occurred.

 

添削

 

On the morning of November 1 when a the pro baseball player Matsui expressed his intention to move to the US major leagues, the price of1 Nippon Television's stocks went down. The anxiety that a the TV rating of Nippon Television would might2 fall by the removal transfer of the popular player seemed to have occurred been the reason3.

 

コメント

 

1.       the price of ~と入れると内容がはっきりします。

 

2.       ここもthe TV rating of Nippon Televisionと補足すると内容がはっきりします。日本文では読者にわかることは省略してありますが、内容を英文で表現するときはこのような省略部分を補う必要があります。would 「〜するだろう」よりmight 「〜かもしれない」がよいでしょう。

 

3.       添削のようにすると、前の文の内容との関連がよくなります。

 

添削後の文章

 

On the morning of November 1 when the baseball player Matsui expressed his intention to move to the US major leagues, the price of Nippon Television's stocks went down. The anxiety that the TV rating of Nippon Television might fall by the transfer of the popular player seemed to have been the reason.

 

 

読者からの投稿 18(だっち、21 August 06

 

The baseball player Matsui expressed transferring to the Majors on November 1 in the morning. After that, the price of Nippon Television stock went down. They say that investors concerned the transfer of the star player would make its program rating down.

 

添削

 

On the morning of November 11,Tthe baseball player Matsui expressed his intention of2 transferring to the Majors on November 1 in the morning. After that announcement3, the price of Nippon Television stock went down. They say that investors are concerned the transfer of the star player would may make its program rating go down4.

 

コメント

 

1.       日時をここの持ってきたほうがよいでしょう。投稿のままですと、11月1日が大リーグに移籍する日か移籍を表明した日か、わかり難くなる可能性があります。プレイン・イングリッシュでは読者が迷う可能性を排除する、という原則があります。

 

2.       expressed AAを表明する、ですから、Aのところは移籍するという意図を、になります。expressed transferringとは直接続きません。expressed his transfer to the Major Leaguesと館単に表現することも出来ます。

 

3.       thatだけでもわかりますが、that announcementとすると読者にわかりやすく、また文を読んだときのリズムもよくなります。

 

4.       ここは文を現在形で表現するか、過去形で表現するか、迷うところですが、この記事が書かれたのは松井選手の移籍発表のすぐあとのことと想定して、現在形で表現できます。

 

添削後の文章

 

On the morning of November 1,the baseball player Matsui expressed his intention of transferring to the Majors. After that announcement, the price of Nippon Television stock went down. They say that investors are concerned the transfer of the star player may make its program rating go down.

 

 

読者からの投稿 17(吉、3 July 06

 

In the morning on 1st of November, stocks of Nippon Television declined after Matsui announced his intension to transfer to the U.S. major leagues. There seemed to be fear that a star player's transfer will cause fall-off in TV rating.

 

添削

 

In On the morning on of the 1st of November1, the price stocks of Nippon Television stock2 declined after Matsui had announced3 his intension to transfer to the U.S. major leagues. There seemed to be fear that a the4 star player's transfer will cause a fall-off in the TV rating.

 

コメント

 

1.       In the morning on November (the) first, we completed half of the project.(11月1日の午前中にわれわれは仕事の半分を終えた。)On the morning of November (the) first, our ship arrived Honolulu.(11月1日の朝、われわれの船はホノルルに到着した。)のように in the morning on the morningではすこし意味が違いますね。この練習問題では松井の発表があるとすぐに株価が下がった、のでon the morning のほうがよいでしょう。

 

2.       日本テレビの株の値段が下がった、ということなので「値段」が省略されています。英文では省略の方法が異なるのでthe price of Nippon Television stockと日本文で省略された部分を補っておきます。

 

3.       the price of the stock declined when Matsui made an announcement. the price of the stock declined after Matsui had made an announcement.のようにafterを使うと時間の前後関係が明らかになるのでdeclined(過去形)より前の時間はhad announced(過去完了形)になります。

 

4.       このスタープレイヤーは松井なので定冠詞をつけます。

 

添削後の文章

 

On the morning of the 1st of November, the price of Nippon Television stock declined after Matsui had announced his intension to transfer to the U.S. major league. There seemed to be fear that the star player's transfer will cause a fall-off in the TV rating.

 

 

読者からの投稿 16(ピンクのくじら、27 June 06

 

A stock price of the Nihon television had dropped in the morning on the first of November when Mr. Matsui, an athlete of baseball, declared that he had a mind to move into American major league. Investors seemed to have anxiety that an audience rating might fall because of the transfer of the popular athlete.

 

添削

 

A The stock price of the Nihon tTelevision1 had 2dropped in on3 the morning on the first of November when Mr. Matsui, an athlete of a baseball player4, declared that he had a mind to move into the American major league. Investors seemed to have anxiety that an the5 audience rating might fall because of the transfer of the popular athleteplayer.

 

コメント

 

1.       日本テレビの正式英語名はNippon Television Network Corporationですが、ここでは簡単にNippon Televisionでわかるでしょう。

 

2.       過去完了系は時間的な関係を示すもの(過去形よりも前のできごと)と動作の完了を強調するものがありますが、ここでは単に過去形でよいでしょう。

 

3.       午前中にin the morningと午前のある時点でon the morningの使い方がありますが、ここでは「朝になったら」という意味をこめてon the morningがよいでしょう。

 

4.       a baseball playerのほうが一般的な使い方です。

 

5.       the audience rating of Japan Television(巨人のゲームを放映する)と特定にします。the audience ratingで文脈からthe audience rating of Japan Televisionがわかります。

 

添削後の文章

 

The stock price of Nihon Television dropped on the morning on the first of November when Mr. Matsui, a baseball player, declared that he had a mind to move into the American major league. Investors seemed to have anxiety that the audience rating might fall because of the transfer of the popular player.

 

 

読者からの投稿 15(NMK, 13 May 06

 

The stock of Japan TV was fall in price, in the morning of first November Matsui the baseball player enunciated his decision to transfer to the major league in USA. An apprehension was coming up, which is down of audience rating caused by the transfer of the popular player.

 

添削

 

The stock of Japan TV was fall fell in price, in on1 the morning of first November first2 when Mr.3 Matsui, the a popular baseball player4, enunciated announced5 his decision to transfer to the major league in the USA. This was because6 An apprehension was coming upsurfaced that, which is down of Japan TV’s audience rating caused might go down by the transfer of the popular player7.

 

1.       午前中一般を指すときにはin the morningとします。Every day, I exercise 30 minutes in the morning.  ある特定の日の朝を指すときにはon the morningとします。inよりonのほうが「特定の」という感じがしませんか。

 

2.       日時の表記法には幾つかの形がありますが、2:00 pm on November 10 (またはtenth)という形が簡単です。

 

3.       この添削講座では「日本に興味を持つ英語圏の人」を英文の読者に想定しています。このような人がどれだけ日本の野球の事情を知っているか想定するのは難しいですが、Mr. MatsuiとするとMatsuiが人名だとわかります。

 

4.       前のMr. Matsuiを説明する挿入句は、前後をコンマで区切ると、これが挿入句だとわかりやすくなります。

 

5.       enunciateは「はっきり発音する、明言する」という意味ですね。松井選手の移籍がごたごたして一体メジャーリーグに行くのかどうかわからなかったが、やっと「行く」と明言した、という事情ならenunciateもよいですね。一般的にはannounce(公言する)となります。

 

6.       前の文との内容の関連を明らかにするためにThis was because ~としました。

 

7.       添削のようにすると「松井の移籍が視聴率を下げる」という心配が浮上した、という意味がはっきりします。

 

添削後の文章

 

The stock of Japan TV was fell in price, on the morning of November first when Mr. Matsui, a popular baseball player, announced his decision to transfer to the major league in the USA. This was because apprehension surfaced that Japan TV’s audience rating might go down by the transfer of the popular player.

 

 

読者からの投稿 14(バリコ、15 March 06

 

In the morning on November 1, a baseball player Mr. Matsui expresses he intended to transfer to the U.S. Major league. Then NTV stock price went down. It is because people seemed concerned the rating could fall without the star player.

 

添削

 

In On the morning on November 1, a baseball player Mr. Matsui expresses announced1 that he intended to transfer to the U.S. Major league. Then, the NTV stock price2 went down. It is was3 because people seemed to be concerned that the TV rating of NTV4 could fall without the star player5.

 

コメント

 

1.       announced発表した、が適当でしょう。

 

2.       文章に初めて出てくる名詞ですが、特定なものなので定冠詞を付けます。

 

3.       動詞の時制一致の原則で、ここも過去形にします。

 

4.       the TV rating of NTVと補足説明をしたほうが意味がわかりやすくなるでしょう。

 

5.       「人気選手の移籍で」をwithout the star playerと表現したのが簡潔でわかりやすいですね。

 

添削後の文章

 

On the morning on November 1, a baseball player Mr. Matsui announced that he intended to transfer to the U.S. Major league. Then, the NTV stock price went down. It was because people seemed to be concerned that the TV rating of NTV could fall without the star player.

 

 

読者からの投稿 13(tange, 4 February 06

 

Stock of NTV came down in the morning of the first of November, as Mr Matsui, who was the most popular baseball player in Japan, declared that he was going to move to the Major Leagues. Supposedly, stockholders concerned that TV rate would drop because of transfer of a popular player.

 

添削

 

The price of NTV stock1 Stock of NTV came down in the morning of the first of November,2 as Mr3 Matsui, who was the most popular baseball player in Japan, declared that he was going to move to the Major Leagues. Supposedly4, stockholders were concerned that the5 TV rate would drop because of the transfer of a6 popular player.

 

コメント

 

1.       「日本テレビ株が値下がりした。」は「日本テレビの株価が下がった。」の意味ですね。NTV stock went down in price.とすれば日本語の構成に近くなりますが、The price of NTV stock went down.としたほうがわかりやすいでしょう。では単にNTV stock went down.としたらどうでしょう。日本語でも「日本テレビ株が下がった。」と言いますね。英文でも読者にはわかりますが、この添削講座では誰にでもわかるすこし格式ばった(formal)な英文を基本にしています。

 

2.       ここではコンマが無いほうが因果関係がはっきりしてよいでしょう。コンマがあると、英文を理解するときにここで一息入れ「〜で、それはじつは」といった感じになります。

 

3.       私が英語を中学で習った時は、Mister MatsuiMr. Matsuiと簡略化できる、というようになっていましたが、現在では新聞、雑誌などの英文ではMr Matsuiとコンマを入れない表現法が多くなってきました。実務文における表現形式の簡略化の傾向の一例でしょう。

 

4.       Supposedlyと入れたのが良いですね。プレイン・イングリッシュでは短い文が基本ですが、このような文と文の内容をつなぐような言葉を入れることで、文章の流れが良くなります。

 

5.       日本テレビの視聴率なので定冠詞を入れます。

 

6.       松井選手を指しているのなら定冠詞になりますが、もっと一般的に「有名選手」をさしているのならこのように不定冠詞がいいですね。

 

添削後の文章

 

The price of NTV stock came down in the morning of the first of November as Mr Matsui, who was the most popular baseball player in Japan, declared that he was going to move to the Major Leagues. Supposedly, stockholders were concerned that the TV rate would drop because of the transfer of a popular player.

 

 

読者からの投稿 12(rikarika, 30 July 05

 

In the morning of November 1st, as a baseball player Matsui expressed to transfer to the major leagues, Nippon TV stock price was down. It seems that there were some kinds of fear that the transfer of popular player would make audience rating down.

 

添削

 

In On the morning of November 1st, as a baseball player Matsui expressed his intention1 to transfer to the mMajor lLeagues2, Nippon TV’s stock price was went down. It seemsed3 that there were some kinds of fear that the transfer of popular player would make the audience rating of the TV company go down.

 

コメント

 

1.       expressは他動詞なのでexpress Aというように目的語が必要です。expressed his intention to transfer to the Major Leaguesでメージャーリーグに移籍する意向を表明した、になります。

 

2.       アメリカの野球のメージャーリーグ、ということなのでcapitalize します。

 

3.       that 節の中が過去形なので、seemは時制の一致で過去形になります。時制の一致は日本語では曖昧ですが、英語ではうるさいので、英作文の時は面倒でも注意する必要があります。

 

添削後の文章

 

On the morning of November 1st, as a baseball player Matsui expressed his intention to transfer to the Major Leagues, Nippon TV’s stock price went down. It seemed that there were some kinds of fear that the transfer of popular player would make the audience rating of the TV company go down.

 

 

読者からの投稿 11(tommy, 27 April 05

 

Hideki Matsui announced his intention to move to the Major Leagues on the morning of November 1, when the stock price of Nippon Television Network Corporation declined. The move of the popular player seemed to cause the anxiety that fewer people would watch baseball games on TV.

 

添削

 

Soon after1 Hideki Matsui announced his intention to move to the Major Leagues on the morning of November 1, when the stock price of Nippon Television Network Corporation declined. The move of the popular player seemed to have caused the anxiety that fewer people would watch baseball games on the Nippon Television TV network2.

 

コメント

 

1.       日本文の内容の因果関係は「松井が移籍を表明すると、株が下がった。」ですから従属節が原因、主節が結果になります。When Hideki Matsui announced ~, the stock price declined.でもよいですが、Soon after ~とすると因果関係がはっきりします。

 

2.       日本テレビが巨人のゲームの放映権を持っているのですか?もしそうなら、on TV (テレビで)を添削のように補足説明すると良いでしょう。日本文の内容を英文で表現するときには、読者がどれだけの背景知識を持っているか想定します。この想定の程度によってどれだけ補足説明をするかが決まります。Tommyさんは英文の読者がオリジナルの日本文を読む読者の同程度の背景知識を持っていると想定しています。実際に英文を書くときには想定している読者がいるわけで、その人たちの背景知識についても英文を書く人はしっているわけです。しかし、この添削講座ではどのような読者を想定するか、あらかじめ決まっているわけではないので、どれだけ日本文の内容の補足説明をするかはっきりしません。一応の目安として、ある程度は背景知識を持っているが、細かなところは知らないので、日本文の読者を対象としたときよりも、丁寧に補足説明をする、と考えてください。

 

添削後の文章

 

Soon after Hideki Matsui announced his intention to move to the Major Leagues on the morning of November 1, the stock price of Nippon Television Network Corporation declined. The move of the popular player seemed to have caused the anxiety that fewer people would watch baseball games on the Nippon Television TV network.

 

 

読者からの投稿 10(かっぱん、9 April 05

 

On the morning of November first, when Hideki Matsui, a famous professional baseball player, announced his intention to play in the Major League, the share price of Nippon TV depreciated. This seemed to reflect concerns about a possible fall-off in the viewer rate due to the transfer of the famous player.

 

添削

 

On the morning of November first,1 when Hideki Matsui, a famous professional baseball player, announced his intention to play in the Major Leagues, the share stock2 price of Nippon TV depreciated. This seemed to reflect concerns among investors3 about a possible fall-off in the TV3 viewering rate due to the transfer of the famous player.

 

コメント

 

1.       「松井が〜した」11月1日の午前に、と特定の日時を指すのでコンマな無いほうがよいです。

 

2.       stock priceのほうがshare priceより一般的です。

 

3.       補足説明を入れたほうがよいでしょう。プレイン・イングリッシュでは「文の内容が読者にわかりやすいように書く」ことが要諦です。「(重複を除いて)文を簡単にする」ことはこの方法のひとつですが、もし省略しすぎて読者に内容を考えさせる、ことと、補足説明を入れてわかりやすくする、を天秤にかければ、大切さは後者に傾きます。

 

 

添削後の文章

 

On the morning of November first when Hideki Matsui, a famous professional baseball player, announced his intention to play in the Major Leagues, the stock price of Nippon TV depreciated. This seemed to reflect concerns among investors about a possible fall-off in the TV viewing rate due to the transfer of the famous player.

 

読者からの投稿 9(Tom, 5 April 05

 

Nippon Television declined share prices when Matsui, a baseball player, announced his intention that he was going to move to the US major leagues in the morning on November first. There are some concerns that transfer of the popular baseball player has an effect on fall-off in viewership.

 

添削

 

On the morning of November first1, Nippon Television’s share prices2 declined share prices when Matsui, a baseball player, announced his intention that he was going to move to the US major Major lLeagues in the morning on November fisrt. There are some concerns that the transfer of the popular baseball player has may have3 a negative an effect on fall-off in the viewing rate3 of Nippon Television’s baseball game programs4 viewership.

 

コメント

 

1.       投稿のままですとon the morning of November firstが「松井がメージャーリーグへ移籍する日」とも取れるので文の最初に移動したほうがよいでしょう。

 

2.       declineは自動詞で「〜が下落する」と言う意味になります。また他動詞ではHe declined my offer.のように「AB(目的語)を拒絶するの意味になります。ここでは株価を主語にしてdeclineを自動詞としてつかいます。

 

3.       この記事の時点ではまだテレビの視聴率にどのような影響が出るかわからないのでmay have ~としたほうがよいでしょう。

 

4.       the viewing rate of Nippon Television’s baseball programsと補足説明をつけるの内容がわかりやすくなるでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

On the morning of November first, Nippon Television’s share prices declined when Matsui, a baseball player, announced his intention that he was going to move to the US Major Leagues. There are some concerns that the transfer of the popular baseball player may have a negative effect on the viewing rate of Nippon Television’s baseball game programs.

 

 

読者からの投稿 8(moopy, 27 March 05

 

On the morning November 1st, Nippon TV's stock price went down. It was just that time when Mr. Matsui who was a popularity baseball player announced intend to move to the Major Leagues.

 

Market's stock player seems to be anxious about the adverse effect that the news causes.

 

添削

 

On the morning November 1st, Nippon TV's stock price went down. It was just that time when Mr. Matsui, who was a popularity baseball player, announced intend his intension to move to the American Major Leagues1.

 

Market's stock players seems to be anxious about the adverse effect that the news may causes to the Nippon TV’s viewing rate2.

 

コメント

 

1.       moopyさんは「株価が下がった。調度その頃、松井が 〜」という順序で日本文の内容を英文で表現していて、読者に緊張感を与えるようになっていますね。

 

2.       「懸念」が本当だったかどうか、まだわからない段階での記事なのでmayを使うとよいでしょう。「視聴率に対する(悪影響)」を補足したほうが内容がはっきりします。短い文章ですが、「読者が内容を一読してわかるように書く」というプレイン・イングリッシュの原則はあてはまります。

 

添削後の文章

 

On the morning November 1st, Nippon TV's stock price went down. It was just that time when Mr. Matsui, who was a popularity baseball player, announced his intension to move to the American Major Leagues.

 

Market stock players seem to be anxious about the adverse effect that the news may cause to the Nippon TV’s viewing rate.

 

 

読者からの投稿 7(DOG, 3 February 05

 

In November 1 at morning, a stock price of Japanese TV was down when Matsui player announced that he transfers to major league. The fear that famous player's transfer make viewing rate of TV fall. It seemed that it appeared.

 

添削

 

In November 1 at morningOn the morning of November first, a the stock price of Japanese TV1 was went2 down when Mr. Matsui, a baseball player3, announced that he would4 transfers to a mMajor lLeague team in the United States5. It appears that Tthe fear that the famous player's transfer may make a viewing rate of Japan TV fall has caused the decline in the stock price6. It seemed that it appeared.

 

コメント

 

1.       「日本テレビ」は「ある日本のテレビ局」ではなくて固有名詞ですからJapan TVとします。

 

2.       the stock price was down(株価が低かった)よりthe stock price went down(株価が下がった)とすると松井の意向表明の結果で株価が下がった、という因果関係が明確になります。

 

3.       英文では一般的に名前に敬称をつけます。Mr. Matsui, a baseball playerとすると野球選手の松井氏という表現になります。

 

4.       Mr. Matsui announced that he would transferというように動詞の時制を一致させます。これは、この記事の時点では松井はまだメージャーリーグに移籍していませんが、主動詞が過去形なのでwillではなくてwould になります。

 

5.       メージャーリーグは米国の野球のメージャーリーグという意味では固有名詞なので大文字になります。日本語でもメージャーリーグと言って使っているので、これが固有名詞だとはわかりにくいですね。

 

6.       この文の構成は少し複雑ですね。分解すると次のようになります。

 

the fear that the famous player’s transfer may a viewing rate of Japan TV fall(この有名野球選手の移籍が日本テレビの視聴率を下げるという恐れ)が主語ですね。次に(主語)+has caused the decline in the stock price(このことが日本テレビの株価の下落を引き起こした)。これで主語+動詞+目的語の文になります。あとはおまけでIt appears that~(〜ということのようだ)がつきます。

 

添削後の文章

 

On the morning of November first, the stock price of Japan TV went down when Mr. Matsui, a baseball player, announced that he would transfer to a Major League team in the United States. It appears that the fear that the famous player's transfer may make a viewing rate of Japan TV fall has caused the decline in the stock price.

 

 

読者からの投稿 6(KAPPA2005, 13 Jan 05

 

Matsui announced his intention to move American major league on the morning of November 1, when the stock price of Nippon TV was down. There appears the concern that  transferring of popular player may cause the drop of TV audience rate.

 

添削

 

When1 Mr.2 Matsui announced his intention to move the American major league on the morning of November 1, when the stock price of Nippon TV was went3 down. There appears the concern that the transferring4 of popular player may cause the a drop of in the TV audience rate of baseball games5.

コメント

 

1.       因果関係は、松井が移籍を発表したので株が下がった、ですからwhen はここに置いてこの因果関係をはっきりさせます。

 

2.       英文記事では一般的に敬称をつけます。

 

3.       株が下がる、という動作はgo downと動詞で表現します。

 

4.       移籍と名詞にしたほうが意味が具体的ではっきりします。transferring of ~は「移籍するということ一般」という意味になります。日本選手のアメリカメージャーリーグへの移籍が続けば確かにテレビの視聴率はどんどん下がるでしょうが。

 

5.       野球中継という説明を付けると一般読者には意味がわかりやすくなるでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

When Mr. Matsui announced his intention to move the American major league on the morning of November 1, the stock price of Nippon TV went down. There appears the concern that the transfer of popular player may cause a drop in the TV audience rate of baseball games.

 

 

読者からの投稿 5(マウント60、18 June 04

 

When Hideki Matsui announced his intention to transfer to the Major Leagues on the morning of November 1, the NTV stock began to fall. This seemed to reflect concerns about the possible decline in the ratings due to the transfer of the popular player.

 

添削

 

When Hideki Matsui announced his intention to transfer to the Major Leagues on the morning of November 1, the NTV stock began to fall. This seemed to reflect concerns about the a possible decline in the TV ratings due to the transfer of the popular baseball player1.

 

コメント

 

1.       マウント60さんは簡潔な英文で日本文の内容を表現しています。2番目の文は少し説明的にして、次のようにも出来ます。This seemed to reflect concerns that the transfer of the popular baseball player might drop the number of audience watching baseball games on the NTV programs.

 

添削後の文章

 

When Hideki Matsui announced his intention to transfer to the Major Leagues on the morning of November 1, the NTV stock began to fall. This seemed to reflect concerns about a possible decline in the TV ratings due to the transfer of the popular baseball player.

 

 

読者からの投稿 4(yumi, 14 June 03

 

Japanese TV stocks have dropped in the morning 1st Nov, when player Matui have made it clear to be traded to American league. A fear that an audience rating of TV is dropped by the trade of popular player seems to have come out.

 

添削

 

Japanese Japan TV’s stocks1 have - dropped its price in on the morning of November the first 1st Nov,- when Japanese baseball player Matui have - made it clear that he would to be traded to an American league team2. A fear that an the audience rating of Japan TV is might dropped by the trade of the popular player seems to have come out caused the drop in the stock price3.

 

Yumiさんの投稿には日本文の内容に忠実に英語で表現しようと努力していることが見えますね。日本文と英文の構造、表現の相違を勉強するには大切なことだと思います。私は日本文の内容を忠実に英語で表現するのが面倒になると、たまたま知っていた同じような内容を表現する英語の慣用句や文型をを使いますが、このような「こなれた」表現は使いすぎると日本文の内容から離れてしまいます。また「こなれた」表現をたくさん覚えるより、英語の基本文型を良く使えるようになるほうが英作文を勉強するのには実際的だと(応用範囲が広い)と思います。

 

1.       Japanese TV stocks dropped (their prices)というと、日本のテレビ局の株の値段がみんな下がってしまった、なります。日本テレビの株だけがさがったのなら、Japan TV’s stock dropped its price となります。

 

2.       Made it clear to be traded…としてもよいのですが、made it clear that he would be traded…that 節にしてthatの中を完全な文にした方がわかりやすいと思います。プレイン・イングリッシュでは読者に内容を正確に伝えることが重要なので、文の省略形をあまり使いません。

 

3.       A fear ….came out.でも良いですが、came out が文の最後にちょこんと付いていて力がないので、have caused the drop in the stock priceと最後のまた内容を繰り返して文のバランスを取るようにしました。

 

添削後の文章

 

Japan TV’s stock dropped its price on the morning of November the first when Japanese baseball player Matui made it clear that he would be traded to an American league team. A fear that the audience rating of Japan TV might drop by the trade of the popular player seems to have caused the drop in the stock price.

 

 

読者からの投稿 3(TOMO21 Jan 03

 

On the morning of November 1, the price of Japan TV's stock went down after Matsui, a popular baseball player, announced his intention to move to an American Major League team. The stockholders seemed to be concerned about a drop in the television audience rate, because he would go out of the Japanese baseball league.

 

添削

 

On the morning of November 1, the price of Japan TV's stock went down after Matsui, a popular baseball player, announced his intention to move to an American Major League team. The stockholders seemed to be concerned about a drop in the television audience rate , 1because he Matsui would go out of the Japanese baseball league2.

 

コメント

 

because以下の説明が文の前半分と密接につながっているので、コンマを入れないほうが良いでしょう。コンマがあると読者が一息ついて文が途切れる感じになります。Becauseと同じ意味で少し軽い感じのasでもよいでしょう。

 

「人気選手の移籍でテレビ視聴率が落ちる。」の内容をどのくらい丁寧に説明するかは、読者がテレビの視聴率と野球放映の関係をどのくらい知っているかによります。この日本文の文脈ではTOMOさんの投稿の説明で良いと思います。もうすこし丁寧に説明したいときは、as Japan TV’s audience would no longer watch Matsui on the TV station’s baseball program.などになります。

 

添削後の文章

 

On the morning of November 1, the price of Japan TV's stock went down after Matsui, a popular baseball player, announced his intention to move to an American Major League team. The stockholders seemed to be concerned about a drop in the television audience rate because Matsui would go out of the Japanese baseball league.

 

 

読者からの投稿 2(Yuzu, 21 Dec 02

 

The stocks of Japan Television went down in price on the morning of November 1st; the day a Japanese baseball player, Matsui indicated his intention of transferring to American Major League.  It seems like the stock holders are concerned that the popular player's absence may cause a drop in television audience rating.

 

添削

 

The price of Japan Television’s stock1 The stocks of Japan Television went down in price on the morning of November 1st; 2the day a Japanese baseball player, Matsui indicated his intention of transferring moving3 to an American Mmajor Lleague team4. It seems like t The stock holders are concerned that the popular player's absence from Yomiuri Giants may cause a drop in the television audience rating rate5.

 

1.       このほうが簡潔な表現になると思います。

 

2.       セミコロンのこのような使い方は英語の新聞によくあります。接続詞を省略することによって文章に緊迫感を出す効果があります。

 

3.       Moving と平易な単語を使ってよいと思います。

 

4.       Teamをいれて具体的にしたほうが良いと思います。松井選手はニューヨーク ヤンキーズに行くことになりましたね。

 

5.       Ratingという言い方もありますが、動詞の分詞形なので「評価する」という意味が含まれます。テレビの野球中継を見ているかどうかがテレビの視聴率なのでrate(名詞)にしました。

 

添削後の文章

 

The price of Japan Television’s stock went down on the morning of November 1st; the day a Japanese baseball player, Matsui indicated his intention of moving to an American major league team.  The stock holders are concerned that the popular player's absence from Yomiuri Giants may cause a drop in the television audience rate.

 

 

読者からの投稿 1(Ken22 Nov 02

 

In the morning of November 11, the stock price of Japan TV went down suddenly when the Japanese baseball player Matsui announced his intention to move to the American major league. This might be caused by concern that Japan TV would lose its viewers of baseball programs when the popular player Matsui moved to the United States.

 

添削

 

In On the morning of November 11, the stock - price of Japan TV’s stock went down suddenly when the Japanese baseball player- Matsui, a popular Japanese baseball player, 1announced his intention to move to the an American major league team2. This might be caused by-is cause of concern that because Japan TV would might lose many its - viewers of its popular baseball programs3. when the popular player Matsui moved to the United States.4-

 

1.       日本文の文脈からすると、When Matsui, a Japanese baseball player …と条件節を文の始めに持ってきたくなりますが、Kenさんのようにthe price of Japan TV’s stock went down …と原文の一番重要なメッセージを文の先頭に持ってくるのが良いと思います。

 

2.       The Japanese baseball player Matsuiという表現も出来ますが、読者が日本の野球事情を知らないと仮定すると、Matsui, a popular Japanese baseball playerとしたほうが説明的になります。

 

このコメントを書いている時には松井選手はアメリカ メジャーリーグのどの球団に行くかまだわかっていませんが、move to the American major leagueよりmove to an American major league teamといったほうが話しが具体的になります。

 

3.       This might be caused …ではthisは株価が下落したことを指していますが、前の文が長いのでこのことがはっきりしません。This is cause of concern …として,thisが前の文の後半の松井選手がメジャーリーグに移籍するというこを指すようにしたほうが、文と文の内容のつながりがはっきりします。文と文の内容の関連を付けていくことが文章全体の読みやすさに大切です。

 

4.       ここの情報はすでに前に述べてあるので省略します。

 

添削後の文章

 

On the morning of November 11, the price of Japan TV's stock went down suddenly when Matsui, a popular Japanese baseball player, announced his intention to move to an American major league team. This is cause of concern because Japan TV might lose many viewers of its popular baseball programs.