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上級練習問題添削 51−55

練習問題 51 (14 Aug 05) (13 Dec 16)
練習問題 52 (14 Aug 05) (15 Sept 08)
練習問題 53 (13 Feb 07) (19 Sept 08)
練習問題 54 (15 Feb 06) (2 Oct 08)
練習問題 55 (13 Jan 07) (10 Nov 08) (13 Apr 10)

 

上級問題 51「宇宙の始まり」

 

宇宙には本当に「始まり」があったのか。仮に無限の昔から今のような宇宙が存在したとすればどうだろう。当然、人類程度の知的発達をとげた生物も数限りなくいたはずだ。宇宙探査機を打ち上げたり、宇宙に電波を発する試みも無限に繰り返されたろう。だとすると、いま宇宙が人工の物体や、知的生物の発した信号で埋め尽くされていない事実こそが宇宙に「始まり」があった証拠だーーこんな説明をする人がいる。

 

読者からの投稿 3(marcie, 13 December 16

 

Beginning of the Universe 

 

Was there really the "beginning" of the universe? What it is like if the universe in current form existed since the infinite past? Obviously, there must have been unlimited number of living organisms that had developed their intellectual levels like humans. If so, unlimited number of probe objects to the universe would had been launched and unlimited number of trials of sending out radio waves to the universe would had been repeated. Then, the fact that the universe is not filled with artificial items and not filled with radio waves sent by intellectual organisms proves there was the "beginning" of the universe……One of explanations some people uses as a reason for the theory.

 

添削

 

Beginning of the Universe 

 

Was there really the "beginning" of the universe? What it is like if the universe in the current form has existed since the infinite past? Obviously, there must have been an unlimited number of living organisms that had developed their intellectual levels like humans. If so, an unlimited number of probe objects to the universe  must would had have been launched into the universe and an unlimited number of trials of sending out radio waves to the universe must have would had been repeated. Then, the fact that the universe is not filled with artificial items and not filled with radio waves sent by intellectual organisms proves that there was the "beginning" of the universe…… One of explanations sSome people explain uses as a reason for the theory of the beginning of the universe in such a way.

 

コメント

 

内容のすべてがわかります。

 

添削後の文章

 

Beginning of the Universe 

 

Was there really the "beginning" of the universe? What it is like if the universe in the current form has existed since the infinite past? Obviously, there must have been an unlimited number of living organisms that had developed their intellectual levels like humans. If so, an unlimited number of probe objects must have been launched into the universe and an unlimited number of trials of sending out radio waves to the universe must have been repeated. Then, the fact that the universe is not filled with artificial items and not filled with radio waves sent by intellectual organisms proves that there was the "beginning" of the universe. Some people explain a reason for the theory of the beginning of the universe in such a way.

 

 

読者からの投稿 2(Kalo, 13 Sept 08

 

"Beginning of the Universe"

 

Did the universe have a beginning? What if it turned out to be the same universe as it is today?

 

Given that it was the same universe, there must have been a huge number of living things as intelligent as human beings. To explore the universe, these living things probably have repeated experiments to launch spacecrafts and transmit electric signals into outer space.

 

If they really had done, the universe would be now full of artificial materials and electric signals. However, such things haven't been found out so far. This fact proves that the universe had a beginning, some people claim.

 

添削

 

"The Beginning of the Universe"

 

Did the universe have a the beginning? What if it turned out that the universe does not have any beginning and has existed eternally as to be the same universe as it is today1?

 

Given that it was the same universe, there must have been a huge number of living things as intelligent as human beings in the universe. To explore the universe, these living things probably have repeatedly launched experiments exploring to launch spacecrafts and transmit transmitted electric signals into outer space.

 

If they really had done so, by now the universe would be now full of artificial materials and electric signals. However, such things haven't been found out yet so far. This fact proves that the universe had a the beginning, some people claim.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       永劫の存在、という概念の把握が難しいですが、こんな説明がどうでしょうか。

 

添削後の文章

 

"The Beginning of the Universe"

 

Did the universe have the beginning? What if it turned out that the universe does not have any beginning and has existed eternally as the same as it is today1?

 

Given that it was the same universe, there must have been a huge number of living things as intelligent as human beings in the universe. To explore the universe, these living things probably have repeatedly launched exploring spacecrafts and transmitted electric signals into outer space.

 

If they had done so, by now the universe would be full of artificial materials and electric signals. However, such things haven't been found out yet so far. This fact proves that the universe had the beginning, some people claim.

 

 

読者からの投稿 1(Yoshimi, 14 August 05

 

“The Beginning of the Universe”

 

Was there any beginning for the universe? Suppose that the universe has been eternally in existence. Then, there must have been an unlimited number of living beings that had intelligence at least as high as human beings and those living beings must have launched space probes and tried to contact other living beings by sending electromagnetic signals. But so far we have not been able to find any such space probe or electromagnetic signals. Some say that this proves that there have not been any living being in the universe and therefore the universe began at a certain time in the past and has not been eternally existing.

 

添削

 

"The Beginning of the Universe"

 

Was there any a beginning for to the universe? Suppose that the universe has been eternally in existence eternally. ThenIf that is the case1, there must have been an unlimited number of living beings that hadwith intelligence at least as high as human beings. and thoseThose3 living beings must may have launched space probes and tried to contact other living beings by sending electromagnetic signals. But sHowever4, so far we have not been able to find any such space probes or electromagnetic signals. Some people say that this proves that there have have not never been any other intelligent living beings in the universe. and tTherefore5, the universe began at a certain time in the past and has not been eternally existingexisted eternally.

 

コメント

 

1.       日本文は一見難しそうな内容ですが、論理的なので、英文で表現するときも日本文の順序でよいですね。Yoshimiさんは日本文の内容を丁寧に英文で表現しています。全体の文章が読みやすく、リズムがあるように文の切り方を添削しました。

 

2.       If this is the case, ~と前の文を受ける従属節を入れると、前の文との連絡がよくなります。

 

3.       前の文が、if ~, there must ~.と従属節+主節なので、ここでいったん文を切って方が、文章のリズムがよくなります。

 

4.       ButHowever,も同じような意味ですが、However, とカンマを入れることで、「ところがですよ、」といった感じになり、文に一呼吸入って緊張感があります。

 

5.       これはこの文章の結論なので、目に付くように新しい文にすると良いでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

"The Beginning of the Universe"

 

Was there a beginning to the universe? Suppose that the universe has been in existence eternally. If that is the case, there must have been an unlimited number of living beings with intelligence at least as high as human beings. Those living beings may have launched space probes and tried to contact other living beings by sending electromagnetic signals. However, so far we have not been able to find any such space probes or electromagnetic signals. Some people say that this proves that there have never been any other intelligent living beings in the universe. Therefore, the universe began at a certain time in the past and has not existed eternally.

 

 

上級問題 52「日本の急速な人口減」

 

日本の人口減は思いのほか急速だ。政府の将来人口推計(中位)は、日本の総人口が2006年の12800万人を天井に、翌年からみるみる減り始めると予測する。四半世紀後の2030年には1000万人ほど少なくなる。机上の計算だが、40万都市が毎年ひとつずつ消えてなくなるほどの衝撃だ。高齢化の進行も尋常ではない。総人口に占める65歳以上人口の比率は現在2割だが、2030年に29%を超す。3割が高齢者という状況を経験した国はまだない。

 

読者からの投稿 2(Kalo, 15 Sept 08

 

"the Rapid Shrinking and Fast-Aging Population of Japan"

 

Japan's population is expected to falling faster than expected. A medium projection released by the government indicates that Japan's population will peak in 2006 at 128 million and start declining rapidly in 2007. In 2030, the total population will decline by 10 million to 118 million. The decline of 10 million people is so appalling that it means a city with 400,000 people is gone each year.

 

Furthermore, the aging of the population will accelerate at an extraordinary pace. The ratio of elderly people aged 65 and above will rise from 20 percent at present to 29 percent in 2030. So far, no country has yet had more than 30 percent of its population in the age group of 65 and above.

 

添削

 

"the Rapid Shrinking and Fast-Aging Population of Japanese Population"

 

Japan's population is expected forecast to falling decrease faster than previously expected. A medium projection released by the government indicates that Japan's population will peak in 2006 at 128 million and start declining rapidly in 2007. In By 2030, the total population will decline by 10 million to 118 million. The decline of 10 million people is so appalling that it means a city with 400,000 people is gone each every year.

 

Furthermore, the aging of the population will accelerate at an extraordinary pace. The ratio percentage of elderly people aged 65 and above over will rise from 20 percent at present to 29 percent in 2030. So far, no country has yet had more than 30 percent of its population in the 65 and over age group of 65 and above.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。

 

添削後の文章

 

" Rapid Shrinking and Fast-Aging of Japanese Population"

 

Japan's population is forecast to decrease faster than previously expected. A medium projection released by the government indicates that Japan's population will peak in 2006 at 128 million and start declining rapidly in 2007. By 2030, the total population will decline by 10 million to 118 million. The decline of 10 million people is so appalling that it means a city with 400,000 people is gone every year.

 

Furthermore, aging of the population will accelerate at an extraordinary pace. The percentage of elderly people aged 65 and over will rise from 20 percent at present to 29 percent in 2030. So far, no country has yet had more than 30 percent of its population in the 65 and over age group.

 

 

読者からの投稿 1(Yoshimi, 13 August 05

 

“A Rapid Decline of Japanese Population”

 

A decline of Japanese population in the future is expected to proceed rapidly. According to a medium-growth estimate by the government, the total number of population will peak in 2006 at about 128 millions and start declining in 2007. By 2030, it will be about 10 millions less than the peak level. This is just an estimate but it will be equivalent to that a city of 400, 000 people disappears every year. Besides, population aging will also take place at an unprecedented speed. At present, the percentage of 65 years and older in the population is about 20% but this percentage will increase to 29% by 2030. So far there has not been any country in the world which had such a high percentage of the older people.

 

添削

 

"A The Rapid Decline of Japanese Population"

 

A The decline of Japanese population is expected to proceed rapidly in the future is expected to proceed rapidly. According to a medium -growth estimate by the government, the total number of the population1 will peak in 2006 at about 128 millions and start declining in 2007. By 2030, it will be about 10 millions less than the peak level2. This is just an estimate3 but it will be equivalent to that of4 a city of 400, 000 people disappears disappearing every year. Besides, In addition, population aging will also take place at an unprecedented speed. At present, the percentage of people 65 years and older in the population is about 20%twenty percent but this percentage will increase to 29%twenty nine percent by 2030. So far, there has not been anyno5 country in the world which  had has such a high percentage of theof older people.

 

添削

 

1.       ここでthe populationは人口のことなので、the number of は省略します。

 

2.       「四半世紀後の2030年には1000万人ほど少なくなる。」とありますが、Yoshimiさんのように「ピークと比べて1000万人ほど少なくなる。」としたほうがわかりやすいですね。

 

3.       「机上の計算だが」は内容を考えるとan estimateでよいですね。

 

4.       it will be equivalent to that ~itは一年の人口減を意味するので、thatも人口になります。it will be equivalent to that of a city of 400,000 (disappearing every year).と括弧内は動名詞くで前を修飾します。

 

5.       no country ~としたほうが、文が簡単になります。「〜したAはまだ無い。」はNo A has done ~ という表現を便利です。

 

添削後の文章

 

"The Rapid Decline of Japanese Population"

 

The decline of Japanese population is expected to proceed rapidly in the future. According to a medium growth estimate by the government, the population will peak in 2006 at about 128 million and start declining in 2007. By 2030, it will be about 10 million less than the peak level. This is just an estimate but it will be equivalent to that of a city of 400,000 people disappearing every year. In addition, population aging will take place at an unprecedented speed. At present, the percentage of people 65 and older is about twenty percent but this percentage will increase to twenty nine percent by 2030. So far, no country in the world has such a high percentage of older people.

 

 

上級問題 53「廃棄パソコンから個人情報流出の可能性」

 

静岡市教委は4月21日、同市清水区の小中学校5校で使用し、3月に廃棄された計6台のパソコンから、児童、生徒らの個人情報が外部に流出した可能性があると発表した。パソコンのハードディスクには、少なくとも5000人分の児童、生徒、卒業生の成績、保護者の氏名や住所、電話番号などが復元可能な情報が残っていたという。

 

読者からの投稿 2(Kalo, 19 Sept 08

 

"Personal Information may Have Leaked out from Abandoned Personal Computers"

 

Personal information on students may have leaked out from six personal computers that had been used in five elementary and junior high schools in Shimizu Ward, Shizuoka City, said the Shizuoka Prefectural Education Board on April 21. These personal computers were abandoned in March but there remains the possibility that personal information on grades of at least 5,000 students and graduates can be retrieved from the hard discs. Other personal information includes their parents' names, addresses and telephone numbers.

 

添削

 

"Personal Information mMay Have Leaked out from Abandoned Discarded Personal Computers"

 

Personal information on students may have leaked out from six personal computers that had been discarded1 after being used in at five elementary and junior high schools in Shimizu Ward, Shizuoka City, said the Shizuoka Prefectural Education Board on April 21. These personal computers were abandoned discarded in March but there remains the possibility that personal information on grades of at least 5,000 students and graduates can be retrieved from the hard discs. Other The hard discs also contain other types of personal information includes such as their parents' names, addresses and telephone numbers.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       最初の文で「廃棄されたコンピュータ」を入れたほうがよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

"Personal Information May Have Leaked from Discarded Personal Computers"

 

Personal information on students may have leaked from six personal computers that had been discarded after being used at five elementary and junior high schools in Shimizu Ward, Shizuoka City, said the Shizuoka Prefectural Education Board on April 21. These personal computers were discarded in March but there remains the possibility that personal information on grades of at least 5,000 students and graduates can be retrieved from the hard discs. The hard discs also contain other types of personal information such as parents' names, addresses and telephone numbers.

 

 

読者からの投稿 1(YASUKUN, 13 February 07

 

“Personal data of students can be leaked from computers left if a disposal site"

 

The Board of Education in Shizuoka City announced on April 21th, that personal data of students in five elementary and junior high schools might be leaked from the total six computers that were thought to be disposed of in March. The hard disks of those computers contained at least five thousand students' data, school records of graduates, and their parents' names, address and telephone numbers. These information can be restored.

 

添削

 

“Personal data information of on students can might have be leaked from computers left abandoned at if a disposal site"

 

The Board of Education in of Shizuoka City announced on April 21th21st, that personal data information1 on of students in five elementary and junior high schools in the city might be have leaked from the total of six computers that were thought to be disposed of in March. The hard disks of those computers contained information on academic records of at least five thousand students' data, school records of and graduates, and their parents' names, address and telephone numbers2. These The information can be restored recovered from the hard disks.

 

コメント

 

1.       personal data of studentsとすると、生徒が学校のコンピュータ内に入れておいたデータ、という意味にもなります。

 

2.       「少なくとも5000人分の児童、生徒、卒業生の成績、保護者の氏名や住所、電話番号」はわかり難い日本文ですが、「少なくとも5000人の現在の生と卒業生の成績、およびこれらの生徒・卒業生の保護者の氏名、住所、電話番号」とすると添削のようになります。

 

添削後の文章

 

“Personal information on students might have leaked from computers abandoned at a disposal site"

 

The Board of Education of Shizuoka City announced on April 21st that personal information on students in five elementary and junior high schools in the city might have leaked from the total of six computers that were disposed of in March. The hard disks of those computers contain information on academic records of at least five thousand students and graduates, and their parents' names, address and telephone numbers. The information can be recovered from the hard disks.

 

 

上級問題 54「小児集中治療室は子供の不慮の事故による死亡率を下げる」

 

小児科のある大学病院や子供病院のうち、専用の小児集中治療室(PICU)を備えているのは16%だけで、こうした施設のある地域は「不慮の事故」による子供の死亡率がほかの地域より低いことが、田村埼玉医大教授らの分析で分かった。 田村教授らは「PICUを中心とした子供の高度救急システムを欧米並みに整えれば、少なくとも年間500人を救命できる」と推計している。

 

読者からの投稿 2(Kalo, 2 October 08

 

"PICU Lowers the Death Rate of Children due to an Accident"

 

The death rate of children due to an accident lowers in the areas in which hospitals have a pediatric incentive care unit (PICU), while only 16 percent of university hospitals with pediatric department and children's hospital is equipped with such a facility, according to a research team led by Professor Tamura at Saitama Medical University. Mr. Tamura estimates that at least 500 children can be saved a year if Japan improves its emergency medical-care system centered on PICU to the same level as Europe and the U.S.

 

添削

 

"Pediatric Incentive Care Unit (PICU) Lowers the Death Rate of Children due to an Accident"

 

The death rate of children due to an accident is lowers2 in the areas in which where hospitals have a pediatric incentive care unit (PICU) than other areas without such a facility, while only 16 percent of university hospitals with pediatric department and children's hospital is equipped with such a facility, according to a research team led by Professor Tamura at Saitama Medical University. The research team also found that only 16 percent of university hospitals and children’s hospitals with a pediatric department has a pediatric incentive care unit. Mr. Tamura estimates that at least 500 children can be saved a year if Japan improves its emergency medical-care system for children with a centered on PICU at its center to the same level as European courtiers and the U.S.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       読者が最初に読む見出しなので正確な名称を書くのがよいでしょう。

 

2.       他の地域と比較したほうが内容がわかりやすくなります。

 

3.       内容を二つの文に分けたほうが、それぞれの内容の印象が強くなります。

 

添削後の文章

 

"Pediatric Incentive Care Unit (PICU) Lowers the Death Rate of Children due to an Accident"

 

The death rate of children due to an accident is lower in the areas where hospitals have a pediatric incentive care unit (PICU) than other areas without such a facility according to a research team led by Professor Tamura at Saitama Medical University. The research team also found that only 16 percent of university hospitals and children’s hospitals with a pediatric department has a pediatric incentive care unit. Mr. Tamura estimates that at least 500 children can be saved a year if Japan improves its emergency medical-care system for children with a PICU at its center to the same level as European courtiers and the U.S.

 

 

読者からの投稿 1(Kuma chan, 15 February 06

 

The analysis made by Professor Tamura in Saitama Medical School showed that only 16% of all university hospitals with pediatric department and children’s hospitals in Japan equipped with PICU, Pediatric Intensive Care Unit. And the areas with such facilities indicate low infant’s mortality rate caused by contingencies compared to those without them. The research group estimated at least 500 children’s lives could be saved per annum if Japan’s advanced critical care system for the infant such as PICU developed to the standard of those in the US and Europe.

 

添削

 

The analysis made by a research group led by1 Professor Tamura in at Saitama Medical School showed that only 16% of all university hospitals with a pediatric department and children’s hospitals in Japan were equipped with a pediatric intensive care unit (PICU)2, Pediatric Intensive Care Unit. And the areas with such a facilitiesy had a lower death rate of children3 from accidents4 than indicate low infant’s mortality rate caused by contingencies compared to those without them a pediatric intensive care unit5. The research group estimated that at least 500 children’s lives could be saved per annum if Japan’s advanced critical care system for the infant children would built on such as the PICU and developed to the standard of those in the US and Europe.

 

コメント

 

1.       文章の後のほうにthe research groupとあるので、ここでa research group led by Professor Tamuraを出しておきまししょう。

 

2.       a pediatric intensive care unit (PICU)とするのが普通の順序です。もしこれを強調したのならa Pediatric Intensive Care Unitとしてもよいですが、普通名詞なら大文字の必要はありません。

 

3.       pediatric unitinfantsよりも大きい子供も対称にしています。

 

4.       Collins COBUILDA contingency is something that might happen in the future.と説明しています。ここではaccidentsが適当でしょう。

 

5.       もういちでPICUを書いて読者に与える印象を強くしましょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

The analysis made by a research group led by Professor Tamura at Saitama Medical School showed that only 16% of university hospitals with a pediatric department and children’s hospitals in Japan were equipped with a pediatric intensive care unit (PICU). And the areas with such a facility had a lower death rate of children from accidents than those without a pediatric intensive care unit. The research group estimated that at least 500 children could be saved per annum if Japan’s critical care system for children would be built on the PICU and developed to the standard of those in the US and Europe.

 

 

上級問題 55「地域の暮らしやすさを作り出す住民活動」

 

全国各地で、地域の課題やニーズに対応する住民自らの手による活動が広まりつつある。こうした活動は、地方公共団体や企業が提供することが難しくなったサービスを生み出したり、急増する新しいニーズに対して従来にない方法できめ細かく柔軟に対応するようなものが多い。ニーズが満たされる結果、その地域での暮らしやすさが増す。また、活動を担う人は対等な立場でつながり、自分の特技をいかすことで生きがいを感じることができる。さらに、地域内の人、物、自然といった資源をいかすことにより、経済効果が生まれたり地域への愛着や誇りが強まることとなる。活動が活発になると、地域の課題に対する発見力や解決力が高まり、地域の魅力や個性を高め、更なる活動が展開されるという好循環が生み出される。

 

読者からの投稿 3(あすか、13 April 10

 

"Volunteer Activities Make Their Local Community a Better Place to Live"

 

We see volunteer activities growing by local residents in areas all over Japan that respond to the regional issues and needs. We found more cases to create services that local governments and companies can not provide, or to respond flexibly and rapidly increasing new needs in ways we have never seen before.

 

When the needs are met, local residents appreciate and are able to improve their living quality. Also those who participate in the activities have a connection with others on an equal footing and are able to find their life worth living by showing their abilities in the activities.

 

Likewise, making resource in the area, such as people, materials and nature, will generate economic effects or people's emotional attachments and prides to the regions.

 

In summary, the more residents are active in the community, the more the community create a virtuous cycle so that residents help to discover or resolve issues in the areas, and make their place attractive and bring out the characteristic of areas, and continue to be active.

 

添削

 

"Volunteer Activities Make Their a Local Community a Better Place to Live"

 

We see volunteer activities growing by local residents in areas all over Japan that in order to respond to the regional issues and needs. Those volunteer activities1 We found more cases to create services that local governments and companies can not provide, or to respond flexibly to and rapidly increasing new needs in the ways we have never seen before.

 

When the needs are met, local residents appreciate the results of their volunteer activities2 and are able to improve their living quality of life. Also those who participate in the activities can develop a network have a connection with others on an equal footing and are able to find their life worth living by showing contributing their particular abilities to their local communities in the activities.

 

Likewise, making use of local resource in the area, such as people, materials and the nature, will generate new economic activities effects or and also increase people's emotional attachments to and prides of to their regions.

 

In summary, the more residents are active in the community, the more stronger3 their community communities become in create a virtuous cycle so that residents help to discovering or resolveing issues in the areas,. This virtuous cycle4 and makes their communities place more attractive by and bringing out the more local merits characteristic of areas, and continue to be active.

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の大部分はわかりますが、最後の段落の内容がわかりにくいです。そもそも日本文の内容が抽象的で英文で具体的に表現しようとすると苦労しすね。このような日本文の内容は自分流に解釈して内容を整理するのがよいです。あすかさんもいろいろと工夫していますね。文章が段落に分けて構成されているので読みやすいです。

 

1.       volunteer activitiesを主語にすると内容がはっきりします。

 

2.       日本文の内容が曖昧なときは、こんな補足説明を入れるとよいでしょう。

 

3.       the more residents, ですからこれを受けるthe+「形容詞の比較形」が必要ですが、ここのところが投稿でははっきりしません。the more virtuous cycles they create?だと内容がわかりません。添削ではthe stronger their communities becomeとしました。

 

4.       the virtuous cycleは新しい文で説明したほうが簡単でしょう。

 

添削後の文章

"Volunteer Activities Make a Local Community a Better Place to Live"

 

We see volunteer activities growing all over Japan in order to respond to regional issues and needs. Those volunteer activities create services that local governments and companies can not provide, or respond flexibly to rapidly increasing new needs in the ways we have never seen before.

 

When the needs are met, local residents appreciate the results of their volunteer activities and are able to improve their quality of life. Also those who participate in the activities can develop a network with others on an equal footing and are able to find their life worth living by contributing their particular abilities to their local communities .

 

Likewise, making use of local resource such as people, materials and the nature, will generate new economic activities and also increase people's emotional attachment to and pride of their regions.

 

In summary, the more residents are active in the community, the stronger their  communities become in discovering or resolving issues in the areas. This virtuous cycle  makes their communities more attractive by bringing out more local merits .

 

 

読者からの投稿 2(Kalo, 10 November 08

 

"Local Activities Makes Residents Feel Closer to Their Communities"

 

An increasing number of local residents in Japan are now starting up activities to address their neighborhood issues and needs on their own. In many cases, throughout these activities, local residents come up with new services that local governments and companies can't offer, as well as flexible methods of meeting rapidly increasing and changing needs.

 

When such needs are met, local residents feel more closer to their communities. When they become involved in local activities, they feel more connected with each other on an equal footing and more fulfilled by making the most of their skills in the activities.

 

Furthermore, local activities, taking advantage of resources such as people, products and nature, bring about positive economic effects and facilitate a sense of belonging and pride.

 

Increased local activities create a virtuous cycle; they help local residents find and solve further potential issues, give local character and identity to their communities, and develop new activities.

 

添削

 

"Local Activities Makes Residents Feel Closer to Their Communities"

 

An increasing number of local residents in Japan are now starting up activities to address the their neighborhood issues and needs in their neighborhood on their own. In many cases, throughout these activities, local residents come up with new services that local governments and companies can't offer, as well as flexible methods of meeting rapidly increasing and changing needs.

 

When such needs are met by their own efforts, local residents feel more closer to their communities. When they become involved in local activities, they feel more connected with each other on an equal footing and more fulfilled by making the most of their skills in the activities.

 

Furthermore, local activities, taking advantage of resources such as people, products and the nature, local activities create bring about positive economic effects and facilitate a sense of belonging and pride.

 

In summary, Iincreased local activities create a virtuous cycle; they help local residents find and solve further new potential issues and needs, create give local characters that and identity to their communities, and develop new activities again1.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。日本文は具体性に乏しい内容のうえに、いろいろな情報がごちゃごちゃと詰め込まれた悪文です。Kaloさんの英文を読むと、なるほど日本文はこういう内容なのかとわかりますね。見出しがわかりやすくて良いですね。

 

1.       内容の要約なので、in summaryというように始めるとよいでしょう。また、a virtuous cycleなのでagainを付けて、サイクルがぐるっと回るというようにするとよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

"Local Activities Make Residents Feel Closer to Their Communities"

 

An increasing number of local residents in Japan are now starting up activities to address the issues and needs in their neighborhood on their own. In many cases, through these activities, local residents come up with new services that local governments and companies can't offer, as well as flexible methods of meeting rapidly increasing and changing needs.

 

When such needs are met by their own efforts, local residents feel closer to their communities. When they become involved in local activities, they feel more connected with each other on an equal footing and more fulfilled by making the most of their skills in the activities.

 

Furthermore, taking advantage of resources such as people, products and the nature, local activities create positive economic effects and facilitate a sense of belonging and pride.

 

In summary, increased local activities create a virtuous cycle; they help local residents find and solve new issues and needs, create local characters that identity their communities, and develop new activities again.

 

 

読者からの投稿 1(YASUKUN, 13 January 07

 

"Inhabitants Activities Produce The Comforts Of Their Lives"

 

Activities that inhabitants deal with their own problems and needs by themselves has been spreading throughout the nation. These activities are providing services which local public organizations or corporations cannot provide, and fitting flexibly to the rapidly increase of new needs by newly developed methods.

 

As these activities satisfy the inhabitants' needs, the inhabitants become more comfort to live. And as they participate in the activities, they can establish fair relationships and they can feel themselves more useful. Besides, if resources such as people, materials and nature, are utilized for the activities, the economy at the local area will grow and attachment or honor to the area will become stronger.

 

As these activities are working more efficiently, the benign circle will be established like as follows. The inhabitants can find and solve problems in the local area more properly throughout the activities, and they can make up their area more attractive and unique, and they can develop more advanced activities.

 

添削

 

"Inhabitants Volunteer Activities Produce Improve Living Conditions of Local Communities The Comforts Of Their Lives1"

 

Activities that inhabitants local residents deal with their own problems and needs by themselves has have been spreading throughout the nation. These activities are providing services which local public organizations or corporations cannot provide, and are fitting flexibly satisfying flexibly to the rapidly increaseing of new needs by newly developed methods.

 

As these activities satisfy the inhabitants' local needs, local residents feel the inhabitants become more comfortable to live in their communities. And as they participate in the activities, they can establish fair good relationships with others and they can feel themselves more useful. Besides, if local resources such as people, materials and nature, are utilized for the activities, the local economy at the local area will grow and the feelings of attachment or honor to the local community area will become stronger.

 

As these activities are start working more efficiently, the benign circle2 will be established like as follows. Local residents The inhabitants can find and solve local problems in the local area more properly, throughout the activities, and they can make up their area community more attractive and unique, and they can develop more advanced challenging activities3.

 

コメント

 

1.       難しい内容ではありませんが、細かなことがいろいろと出てくるので情報の整理が大切ですね。英文を三つの段落に分けたのは情報の整理に役立っています。見出しは本文の要約ですから大切です。日本文の見出しにこだわらずに英文の見出しを考えるとよいでしょう。添削ではvolunteer activitieslocal communitiesということに重点を置きました。またlocal residents, local communitiesという言葉を本文で使うようにしました。それぞれの地域住民とその地域ということがこの文章のキーワードです。長い文章ではキーワードに効果的なものと見つけ、文章のなかで統一して使うのが、文章を読みやすくするコツです。

 

2.       a vicious cycleと対比してa virtuous cycleという表現もあります。

 

3.       Local residents can ~が共通ですから、添削のようにすると文が簡潔になります。英文全体として構成がしっかりしています。細部の英文の言い回しに注意してください。日本文とくらべて英文は内容をはっきりするようにおまけがいろいろ付いていることがわかると思います。

 

添削後の文章

 

"Volunteer Activities Improve Living Conditions of Local Communities"

 

Activities that local residents deal with their own problems and needs by themselves have been spreading throughout the nation. These activities are providing services which local public organizations or corporations cannot provide, and are flexibly satisfying rapidly increasing new needs by newly developed methods.

 

As these activities satisfy local needs, local residents feel more comfortable to live in their communities. And as they participate in the activities, they can establish good relationships with others and feel more useful. Besides, if local resources such as people, materials and nature, are utilized for the activities, the local economy will grow and the feelings of attachment or honor to the local community will become stronger.

 

As these activities start working more efficiently, the benign circle will be established like follows. Local residents can find and solve local problems more properly, make their community more attractive and unique, and develop more challenging activities.