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上級練習問題の添削 46−50

 

上級問題 46 「夜間の在宅ケアサービス」(27 July 04) (28 Nov 08)

上級問題 47 「成年の権利と義務(18 Feb 04) (30 Nov 08) (6 April 10)

上級問題 48 「広島市のたばこやゴミのポイ捨禁止条例の状況報告」(27 July 04)

(19 April 05) (3 Dec 08)

上級問題 49 「火星探査車分析の岩石決める」(31 Jan 04) (17 April 05) (10 Jan 09)

上級問題 50 「東京・世田谷の区立中が一時限を2分延長」(28 July 04) (16 April 05)

                            (11 Jan 09)

 

上級問題 46 「夜間の在宅ケアサービス」

 

在宅介護サービスのジャパンケアサービス(東京)は、厚生労働省のモデル事業として、夜間に利用者からの呼び出しを受けて訪問介護を行う「ナイトケアパトロール」事業を東京都世田谷区で始めた。

 

利用者に通信機器と連動したペンダント型の専用ボタンを配布、利用者がボタンを押すと同社のセンターに通報される。通信機器は携帯電話が内蔵されており、センターに常駐しているホームヘルパーや看護師と会話もできる。センターではパソコン画面に表示された利用者のデータを参考にしながら、出動の必要性を判断し、ヘルパーや看護師が介護に向かう仕組み。

 

世田谷区内の「要介護3」以上の高齢者五十人が対象。サービス時間は午後十時から翌朝七時まで。利用は有料で、月額千百円の基本料金と通話料金がかかるほか、訪問一回当たり三百円程度が自己負担となる。

 

読者からの投稿 2(Kalo, 28 November 08

 

"Home Care Service for the Elderly at Night"

 

Japan Care Service Corp., a home-care service provider, has launched a new service called "Night Care Patrol" in Setagawa Ward, Tokyo. Night Care Patrol, designated as a model project by the Ministry of Health, Labour and Welfare, provides users with at-home nursing care services at night upon request.

 

When users need assistance at night, they can use a wireless pendant push button to activate a communication device to call the company and directly talk to its nursing staff. While checking the data of the caller on a computer screen, the nursing staff decides whether a home helper or a nurse should be sent.

 

Night Care Patrol is available 10 p.m. until 7 a.m. for 50 elderly residents who are certified as needing nursing-care level 3 and above. Users are charged about 300 yen per visit, 1,000 yen of the basic monthly fee and phone calls.

 

添削

 

"Home Care Service for the Elderly at Night"

 

Japan Care Service Corp., a home-care service provider, has launched a new service called "Night Care Patrol" in Setagawa Ward, Tokyo. Night Care Patrol, designated as a model project by the Ministry of Health, Labour and Welfare, provides users with at-home nursing care services at night upon request.

 

When users need assistance at night, they can use a wireless pendant push button to activate a communication device to call the company and directly talk to its nursing staff. While checking the data of the caller on a computer screen, the nursing staff decides whether a home helper or a nurse should be sent.

 

Night Care Patrol is currently available from10 p.m. to until 7 a.m. for to 50 elderly residents in the ward who are certified as needing nursing-care level 3 and above. Users are charged about 300 yen per visit and some fees for telephone calls, plus 1,000 yen for of the basic monthly fee and phone calls1.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。日本文の内容が整理されていてわかりやすい英文です。

 

1.       毎回の料金と基本料金の相違がわかるようにするとよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

"Home Care Service for the Elderly at Night"

 

Japan Care Service Corp., a home-care service provider, has launched a new service called "Night Care Patrol" in Setagawa Ward, Tokyo. Night Care Patrol, designated as a model project by the Ministry of Health, Labour and Welfare, provides users with at-home nursing care services at night upon request.

 

When users need assistance at night, they can use a wireless pendant push button to activate a communication device to call the company and directly talk to its nursing staff. While checking the data of the caller on a computer screen, the nursing staff decides whether a home helper or a nurse should be sent.

 

Night Care Patrol is currently available from10 p.m. to l 7 a.m. to 50 elderly residents in the ward who are certified as nursing-care level 3 and above. Users are charged about 300 yen per visit and some fees for telephone calls plus 1,000 yen for the basic monthly fee.

 

 

読者からの投稿 1(Yoshimi, 27 July 04

 

“A New Type of Home Care Services at Night”

 

Japan Care Services, a home care service company in Tokyo, started providing home care services at night in Setagaya Ward in Tokyo. The services are called “Night Care Patrol” and are new care service model sponsored by the Ministry of Health and Welfare.

 

Users receive a pendant-type communication device and can push a button to call the company headquarters and talk to a home helper or nurse who is available for 24 hours at the headquarters. The director at the headquarters looks up a personal data of the user who calls in and decides if the caller has any immediate home care needs and if so sends a home helper or nurse to the caller’s home.

 

The services are originally available to 50 seniors in Setagaya Ward who are judged Level 3 for home care needs from ten o’clock in the evening to seven o’clock in the morning. The services are covered by the Home Care Insurance but users must pay, out of their own pockets, the monthly registration fees of 1,500 yen, communication fees, and about 300 yen for each time they receive home care services.

 

添削

 

"A New Type of Home Care Services Service at Night"

 

Japan Care Services, a home care service company in Tokyo, started providing home care services at night in Setagaya Ward in Tokyo. The services are called "Night Care Patrol" and are a new care service model sponsored by the Ministry of Health and Welfare1.

 

Users2 receive a pendant-type communication device and can push a button to call the company headquarters and talk to a home helper or nurse who is available for 24 hours a day. at the headquarters. The director3 at the headquarters looks up a the personal data of the user who calls in is calling and decides if the caller has any immediate home care needs. and if If so, he or she  sends a home helper or nurse to the caller's home.

 

The services are originally initially available to 50 seniors in Setagaya Ward who are judged Level 3 for home care needs from ten o'clock in the evening to seven o'clock in the morning. The services are covered by the Home Care Insurance but users must pay, out of their own pockets, the a monthly registration fees fee of 1,500 yen, any communication fees, and about 300 yen for each time they receive home care services.

 

コメント

 

1.       日本文の第一段落はいろいろな情報を集約して入れてあります。日本文としてはごく普通ですが、内容を英文で表現するときには集約された内容を解きほぐして整理する必要があります。キーセンテンスは「ジャパンケアサービスは夜間の介護サービスを始めた。」ですね。Yoshimiさんはこのキーセンテンスを使い、内容を整理していくつかの英文に分解して表現しています。英文の表現が必ずしも日本文の表現内容の順序になっていないことに注意してください。Yoshimiさんは英文で論理的に一番わかり易い順序に内容を並べ替えています。

 

2.       日本文の第二段落では主語や隠れた主語がいろいろに変わっています。日本文を読むときには無意識に主語を補って内容を理解しています。英文では主語は大変重要ですから、主語の選択に注意します。人間を主語にすると話が具体的になり、読者に内容が伝わりやすくなります。「利用者に通信機器と連動したペンダント型の専用ボタンを配布、」では隠れた主語はジャパンケアサービスですが、Yoshimiさんのように「利用者」にすると話がもっと身近になり、またこれに続く文の主語とも一致して文全体に統一性とわかりやすさが生まれます。

 

3.       日本文では「センターでは」となっていますが、the director と人間を主語にしたほうが話が身近になります。

 

添削後の文章

 

"A New Type of Home Care Service at Night"

 

Japan Care Services, a home care service company in Tokyo, started providing home care services at night in Setagaya Ward in Tokyo. The services are called "Night Care Patrol" and are a new care service model sponsored by the Ministry of Health and Welfare.

 

Users receive a pendant-type communication device and can push a button to call the company headquarters and talk to a home helper or nurse who is available for 24 hours a day. The director at the headquarters looks up the personal data of the user who is calling and decides if the caller has any immediate home care needs. If so, he or she sends a home helper or nurse to the caller's home.

 

The services are initially available to 50 seniors in Setagaya Ward who are judged Level 3 for home care needs from ten o'clock in the evening to seven o'clock in the morning. The services are covered by Home Care Insurance but users must pay, out of their own pockets, a monthly registration fee of 1,500 yen, any communication fees, and about 300 yen for each time they receive home care services.

 

 

上級問題 47 「成年の権利と義務」

 

子どもから大人になるに従い、順次権利が与えられ、同時に義務と責任も重くなります。 まず、十四歳で刑事責任年齢とされ、罪を犯すと刑事上の責任を負わなければならなくなります。15歳になると、遺言ができます。ちなみに、臓器移植法が臓器提供の意思表示を15歳以上としているのも、これが基になっています。十六歳では、二輪免許と原付き免許を取得できるようになります。また女性は父母の同意を得れば結婚できます。十八歳になると、普通運転免許が取れます。また、男性も女性と同様に父母の同意を条件に結婚できます。

 

さて二十歳になると法律上一人前の大人ということになります。民法三条が満二十年に達した者を「成年」と規定しているのです。ただし、結婚した場合は、男性は十八歳以上、女性は十六歳以上が成年とみなされます。そして何より、選挙権を得ます。大変重要な権利ですが、伴う責任もまた重大です。

 

読者からの投稿 3(あすか、6 April 10

 

"The Rights and Responsibilities of Young Adults"  

 

As one's children grow up, they will be endowed with the right to life one after another as well as taking on more responsibilities and duties for their actions. First, under criminal code, children who are turning 14 and having committed crimes, will be held criminally responsible. At the age of 15, they will be able to write a will.  In fact, under the organ transplant laws, they can make an organ donor card at 15. At the age of 16, they will get a motorcycle driver license and moped license. Also girls at 16 and boys at 18 can get married with their parents' consent. At the age of 18, they can get a driver's license. 

 

At last, at the age of 20, they are recognized as legal full-fledged members of society. Civil code, article three in Japan said that people who reach 20th birthday are considered to be regally of age and after all they are eligible to vote. This is a primary right but also a heavy commitment.

 

添削

 

"The Rights and Responsibilities of Young Adults"  

 

As one's children grow up to adults, they will be gradually given endowed with the new rights to life one after another as well as taking on more responsibilities and duties for their actions1. First, At the age of 142, under criminal code, children who are turning 14 and having committed crimes, will be held criminally responsible under the criminal code. At the age of 15, they will be able to write a will.  In fact, under the organ transplant laws, they can make file an organ donor card at the age of 15. At the age of 16, they will get a motorcycle driver’s license for a motorcycle and moped license. Also girls at the age of 16 and boys at the age of18 can get married with their parents' consent. At the age of 18, they can get a driver's license for an automobile. 

 

At last, at the age of 20, they are legally recognized as legal fully-fledged members of society. Civil code, according to aArticle tThree of the civic code in Japan said that people who reach 20th birthday are considered to be regally of age and after all (at the age of 18 for a boy and at the age of 16 for a girl if he/she is married) and they are eligible to vote. This is a very important primary right and but also carries a heavy commitment.responsibility as well.

 

 

コメント

 

英文の内容の総てがわかります。添削は冗長なところを簡潔にしました。

 

1.       内容の要点は「子供から大人に成長するにしたがって新しい権利と義務が与えられる」ですから、この内容を簡単な形式で表現するとよいでしょう。

 

2.       at the age of ~が文章の中の区切りになっていますから、文章全体にこの表現を使うとわかりやすいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

"The Rights and Responsibilities of Young Adults"  

 

As children grow up to adults, they will be gradually given new rights as well as more responsibilities and duties. At the age of 14, children will be held criminally responsible under the criminal code. At the age of 15, they will be able to write a will. In fact, under the organ transplant laws, they can file an organ donor card at the age of 15. At the age of 16, they will get a driver’s license for a motorcycle. Also girls at the age of 16 and boys at the age of18 can get married with their parents' consent. At the age of 18, they can get a driver's license for an automobile. 

 

At last, at the age of 20, they are legally recognized as fully-fledged members of society according to Article Three of the civic code (at the age of 18 for a boy and at the age of 16 for a girl if he/she is married) and they are eligible to vote. This is a very important right and  also carries heavy responsibility as well.

 

 

読者からの投稿 2(Kalo, 30 November 08

 

"Rights and Duties during Adolescence"

 

As you become mature, you are entitled to various rights. At the same time, you are required to have more duties and responsibilities.

 

At the age of 14, you need to take criminal responsibilities. At 15, you can write a will, which is the basis for the Organ Transparent Law regulating that the minimum age eligible for a donor is 15 years old. At 16, you can get a motorbike license and a regular driver's license at 18. Regarding marriage, women aged 16 and men aged 18 can get married with parents' consent.

 

Finally, at the age of 20, you legally become an adult as stipulated in the Article 3 of the Civil Law. If men get married at 18 and women at 16, however, they are legally regarded as an adult by the law.

 

More importantly, when you turn 20, you acquire the right to vote. Keep in mind that you have a great responsibility that comes along with the right.

 

添削

 

"Rights and Duties during Adolescence1 "

 

As you become mature, you are entitled to various rights. At the same time, you are required to have more duties and responsibilities.

 

At the age of 14, you need to take criminal responsibilities. At 15, you can write a will, and this is why2 which is the basis for the Organ Transparent Law says regulating that the minimum age eligible for an organ donor is 15 years old. At 16, you can get a motorbike license and at 18 a regular driver's license at 18. Regarding marriage, women aged 16 and men aged 18 can get married with their parents' consent.

 

Finally, at the age of 20, you legally become an adult as stipulated in the Article 3 of the Civil Law. If men get married at 18 and women at 16, however, they are legally regarded as an adult by the lLaw.

 

More importantly,3 wWhen you turn 20, you acquire the right to vote. Keep in mind that now you have a great responsibility that comes along with the right to vote.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。日本語の文章は難しい言葉が多いですが、英文はわかりやすく表現してあります。

 

1.       日本文の題名は「成年の権利と義務」となっていますが、英文ではRights and Duties during Adolescenceとしたのが面白いですね。adolescenceは思春期(puberty)から成人期(adulthood)までの過渡期をさしますから、この文章の中の年齢になります。

 

2.       「ちなみに、臓器移植法〜」となっているので、添削のようにand this is why ~のような続き方をして、At 15, you can write a willを強調したほうがよいでしょう。投稿の表現ですと、At 15, you can write a willの印象が薄れるとおもいます。

 

3.       More importantlyとすると、何か較べるものがあってそれよりも大切なことは、となりますが、前の文の内容とこの文の内容を較べてmore importantlyというものがありません。

 

添削後の文章

 

"Rights and Duties during Adolescence "

 

As you become mature, you are entitled to various rights. At the same time, you are required to have more duties and responsibilities.

 

At the age of 14, you need to take criminal responsibilities. At 15, you can write a will and this is why the Organ Transparent Law says that the minimum age eligible for an organ donor is 15 years old. At 16, you can get a motorbike license and at 18 a regular driver's license. Regarding marriage, women aged 16 and men aged 18 can get married with their parents' consent.

 

Finally, at the age of 20, you legally become an adult as stipulated in Article 3 of the Civil Law. If men get married at 18 and women at 16, however, they are legally regarded as an adult by the Law.

 

When you turn 20, you acquire the right to vote. Keep in mind that now you have a great responsibility that comes along with the right to vote.

 

 

読者からの投稿 1(NOMU, 18 Feb 04

 

"The Rights and Obligations of Adults"

 

In Japan, as people are growing to be adults, they are given several rights one after another. At the same time they have to take greater obligations and responsibilities.

 

First of all, at fourteen, they have to take criminal responsibilities for their actions. At fifteen, they are eligible to leave their wills. Based on this, the organ transplant law stipulates that those who express their intentions to offer their organs should be fifteen or older. At sixteen, they can get driver's license for motorcycles. Women are allowed to get married if their parents consent to it. At eighteen, they can get driver's license for cars. Men are allowed to get married at this age if their parents consent to it.

 

At twenty, they are regarded as an adult legally. The Article 3 of the Civil Law defines a person who has reached twenty years old as an adult. However, if they have got married , woman who is 16 or older and man who is 18 or older are regarded as an adult. And above all, at twenty, they are granted suffrage. This isn't only an important right but an heavy responsibility.

 

添削

 

"The Rights and Obligations of Adults"

 

In Japan, as people are growing grow to be become1 adults, they are given several rights one after another. At the same time they have to take greater obligations and responsibilities.

 

First of all2, at fourteen, they have to take criminal responsibilityies for their actions. At fifteen, they are become eligible to leave write3 their wills. Based on this, the oOrgan tTransplant lLaw stipulates that those who express their intentions to offer their organs should be fifteen or older. At sixteen, they can get a driver's license for motorcycles. Women are allowed to get married if their parents consent to it. At eighteen, they can get a driver's license for cars. Men are allowed to get married at this age if their parents consent to it.

 

At twenty, they are legally regarded as an adult legally. The Article 3 of the Civil Law defines legal majority4 as a person who has reached twenty years old as an adult. However, if they have got get married , woman women legally become an adult at who is 16 or older and man men at who is 18 or older are regarded as an adult5. And above all, at twenty, they are granted suffrage. This isn't is only an important right but and carries an heavy responsibility.

 

コメント

 

1.       grow to become an adultとしたほうが内容に動きが出ます。

 

2.       長い日本文ですが、NOMUさんは英文での表現にAt the same time, First of all, At fifteen などの副詞句を使って文と文とのつながりをスムースにして、読みやすい文章にしています。特にat fifteen, at sixteenと文を始めることで、文章の構成がわかりやすくなりました。

 

3.       Leave a willよりwrite a willのほうが表現が積極的になります。

 

4.       難しいこと言葉ですが、「成人」という法律用語legal majorityを使いました。

 

5.       「結婚した場合は、男性は十八歳以上、女性は十六歳以上が成年とみなされます。」を英語で表現しようとすると意外に難しいですね。日本語では「結婚した場合は」と簡潔に表現できますが、英語では「誰が結婚するのか」はっきりさせなければなりません。添削のようにすると英文がすこし簡潔になります。

 

添削後の文章

 

"The Rights and Obligations of Adults"

 

In Japan, as people grow to become adults, they are given several rights one after another. At the same time they have to take greater obligations and responsibilities.

 

First of all, at fourteen, they have to take criminal responsibility for their actions. At fifteen, they become eligible to write their wills. Based on this, the Organ Transplant Law stipulates that those who express their intentions to offer their organs should be fifteen or older. At sixteen, they can get a driver's license for motorcycles. Women are allowed to get married if their parents consent to it. At eighteen, they can get a driver's license for cars. Men are allowed to get married at this age if their parents consent to it.

 

At twenty, they are legally regarded as an adult. Article 3 of the Civil Law defines legal majority as a person who has reached twenty years old. However, if they get married , women legally become an adult at 16 and men at 18. And above all, at twenty, they are granted suffrage. This is an important right and carries heavy responsibility.

 

 

上級問題 48 「広島市のたばこやゴミのポイ捨禁止条例の状況報告」

 

広島市は1月15日、市中心部での歩きたばこやごみのポイ捨てに、過料千円を科す条例の罰則適用開始から半月間の状況をまとめた。見つかった違反者六十人のうち、八割の四十八人がその場で支払った。過料支払いに応じなかったうち、五人は「持ち合わせがない」と訴え、市は納入通知書を手渡した。支払う意思を見せなかったのは七人。地方自治法は「弁明」の機会を設けるよう定めており、二人は職員から受け取った弁明書に「すぐ火を消した」などと書いて提出した。市は内容を検討し、合理的でないと判断した場合は過料処分として納入通知書を送る。

 

残る5人は支払いを拒むなどして、弁明書を受け取らずに立ち去ったため、用紙を送って、10日以内の提出を求める。市の巡回員を見て、すぐに走り去った人などは違反者に含んでいない。 

 

読者からの投稿 3(Kalo, 3 December 08

 

"Hiroshima City Reports on its New Ordinance to Ban People from Smoking and Littering on the Street."

 

On January 15, Hiroshima City put together a report on the implementation of a new ordinance to slap a fine of 1,000 yen on those who smoke while walking or discard litters on the street in the center of the city. The ordinance went into effect on January 1.

 

Out of 60 violators, 80 percent or 48 people paid the fine when they were found to have violated the ordinance. Five people didn't pay the fine, saying that they didn't have money with them, so that city officials gave a notice of payment to them.

 

Seven violators didn't express the intention to pay the fine. As the local government law grants a violator an opportunity to explain themselves, two of the seven people received a letter of explanation from city officials and handed it in to the city, explaining that they stopped smoking just before they were found. The city will examine their explanations and send a notice of payment to the two people if the explanations are unreasonable.

 

The rest of the five people rejected to pay the fine and went away without receiving a letter of explanation. The city will send a letter to the five people and require them to return it within ten days. People who ran away as soon as they saw the city patrol staff weren't counted as a violator.

 

添削

 

"Hiroshima City Reports on its New Ordinance to Ban People from Smoking and Littering on the Street."

 

On January 15, Hiroshima City put together a report on the implementation of a new ordinance to slap a fine of 1,000 yen on those who smoke while walking or discard litters on the street in the center of the city. The ordinance went into effect on January 1.

 

Out of 60 violators, 80 percent or 48 people paid the fine on the spot when they were found to have violated the ordinance. Five people didn't pay the fine, saying that they didn't have money with them, so that city officials patrol staff 1gave a notice of payment fine to them.

 

Seven violators didn't express the intention to pay the fine. As the local government law grants a violator an opportunity to explain themselves, two of the seven people received filled2 an application for  letter of explanation from city officials and handed it in to the city patrol staff, explaining that they stopped smoking just before they were found caught. The city will examine their explanations and send a notice of payment fine3 to the two people if whose the explanations are unreasonable inadequate.

 

The rest of the five people rejected to pay the fine and went away without receiving filling an letter application for of explanation. The city will send the application a letter to the five people and require them to return it within ten days. People who ran away as soon as they saw the city patrol staff weren't counted included in these statistics as a violator4.

 

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。複雑な情報が良く整理してあってわかりやすい英文です。

 

1.       文章の後半にcity patrol staffが出てきますが、文章全体をこの表現で統一するとわかりやすくなります。

 

2.       received a letter of explanationとすると、違反者が市から弁明書を受け取ったように思えます。an application for explanationとするとよいでしょう。

 

3.       a notice of fineとすると罰金の通知ということがはっきりします。

 

4.       逃げていった人も違反者です。were not counted as a violatorとすると違反者ではなかったという意味にも取れます。

 

添削後の文章

 

"Hiroshima City Reports on its New Ordinance to Ban People from Smoking and Littering on the Street."

 

On January 15, Hiroshima City put together a report on the implementation of a new ordinance to slap a fine of 1,000 yen on those who smoke while walking or discard litters on the street in the center of the city. The ordinance went into effect on January 1.

 

Out of 60 violators, 80 percent or 48 people paid the fine on the spot when they were found to have violated the ordinance. Five people didn't pay the fine, saying that they didn't have money with them, so that city patrol staff gave a notice of fine to them.

 

Seven violators didn't express the intention to pay the fine. As the local government law grants a violator an opportunity to explain themselves, two of the seven people filled an application for explanation and handed it in to the city patrol staff, explaining that they stopped smoking just before they were caught. The city will examine their explanations and send a notice of fine to the two people whose explanations are inadequate.

 

The rest of the five people rejected to pay the fine and went away without filling an application for explanation. The city will send the application to the five people and require them to return it within ten days. People who ran away as soon as they saw the city patrol staff weren't included in these statistics.

 

 

読者からの投稿 2(マック、19 April 05

 

On January 15, Hiroshima City reported how it has applied its new municipal bylaw to put a fine of 1,000 yen on people who litter or smoke in the center of the city for the past two weeks since the bylaw came into effect. Out of 60 violators, 48 people paid the fine. 5 people did not pay saying that they did not have money with them and received a notice of payment issued from the city. 7people would not comply. The local autonomy law provides that they should be given the opportunity to defend themselves, and two people wrote in a letter of explanation handed from officials that they discarded tobacco stubs to crush them out. The municipal authorities are going to take stock of their excuses and when they find them unreasonable they will send a notice of payment. The rest of the 5 people refused to pay the fine and left without receiving a letter of explanation, so the city will send the letter demanding that they should be sent back within ten days. People who immediately ran away at the sight of officials on patrol are not included in the number of violators.

 

添削

 

On January 15, Hiroshima City reported how it has had applied its new municipal bylaw to put levy a fine of 1,000 yen on people who litter or smoke in the center of the city for the past two weeks since the bylaw came into effect. Out of 60 violators, 48 people paid the fine. 5 Five1 people did not pay saying that they did not have money with them and received a notice of payment issued from by the city. 7Seven people would not comply with the bylaw on the spot2. This was because Tthe local autonomy law providesd that they anyone who violates bylaws should be given with the an opportunity to defend themselves himself., and tTwo of the seven people wrote their defending explanations on in a the letter of explanation handed from by the officials that saying they discarded threw their cigarettes on the street tobacco stubs to crush them out3. The municipal authorities are going to take stock of examine their excuses and when if they find them unreasonable they will send a notice of payment. The rest of the 5 seven people refused to pay the fine and left without receiving a letter of explanation., so So the city will send them the letter again demanding that they4 should be send sent back the letter within ten days. People who immediately ran away at the sight of officials on patrol are not included in the number of violators.

 

コメント

 

日本文はいろいろなケースが短くまとめてあるので、英文で表現するときは一つ一つのケースを解きほぐして順序良く並べる必要がありますね。英文ではそれぞれのケースに補足説明をつけるとまとめやすくなります。

 

1.       文が数字で始まるときは数字を単語で書くと文が読みやすくなります。

 

2.       ここはいったん文を切り、説明は新しい文ではじめるとわかりやすいでしょう。

 

3.       「すぐ火を消した」という弁明がどういうことかはっきりしませんが、タバコの火を消すために道にタバコを捨てて足で火をもみ消した、ということでしょうか。tobaccoはタバコ製品一般(刻みタバコ、葉巻、シガレットなど)を指すので紙に巻いたタバコはcigarette になります。

 

4.       ここのtheyは「手紙」ではなくて「条例違反者」にすると良いでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

On January 15, Hiroshima City reported how it had applied its new municipal bylaw to levy a fine of 1,000 yen on people who litter or smoke in the center of the city for the past two weeks since the bylaw came into effect. Out of 60 violators, 48 people paid the fine. Five people did not pay saying that they did not have money with them and received a notice of payment issued by the city. Seven people would not comply with the bylaw on the spot. This was because the local autonomy law provided anyone who violates bylaws  with an opportunity to defend  himself. Two of the seven people wrote their defending explanations on the letter handed by the officials saying they threw their cigarettes on the street to crush them out. The municipal authorities are going to examine their excuses and if they find them unreasonable they will send a notice of payment. The rest of the seven people refused to pay the fine and left without receiving a letter of explanation. So the city will send them the letter again demanding that they should send back the letter within ten days. People who immediately ran away at the sight of officials on patrol are not included in the number of violators.

 

 

読者からの投稿 1(Yoshimi, 27 July 04

 

“The Current Situation of the By-law that Prohibits Throwing Garbage and Cigarette Butts on the Street in Hiroshima City”

 

On January 15, the City of Hiroshima released a report on the current situation of the city by-law charging 1,000 yen penalties on those who throw garbage or cigarette buts on the street in the central part of downtown Hiroshima for the first half month since the by-law went into effect.

 

Out of 60 people who were caught violating the by-law, 48 people paid the penalties on the spot; five said that they did not have enough cash and received an invoice; and seven refused to pay the penalties.

 

The Local Government Law allows those who are charged according to a by-law to have an opportunity to present a letter of explanation2. Accordingly, the city official handed a form of explanation to those seven people. Two of them wrote an explanation such as they immediately extinguished a cigarette as they realized the by-law. The City will consider the explanation and send them an invoice for penalties if the explanation is not appropriate. Five of them even refused to receive the form of explanation. The City will send them the form again and ask them to return the form within ten days. Those 60 people, however, do not include those who ran away as soon as they saw the city official patrolling the street.

 

添削

 

“The Current Situation of the By-law that Prohibits Throwing Garbage and Cigarette Butts on the Street in Hiroshima City”

 

On January 15, the City of Hiroshima released a report on the current situation of regarding the city by-law charging 1,000 yen penalties on to those who throw garbage or cigarette butts on the street in the central part of downtown Hiroshima. The report covered1 for the first half month since the by-law went into effect.

 

Out of 60 people who were caught violating the by-law, 48 people paid the penalties on the spot; , five said that they did not have enough cash and received an invoice, and seven refused to pay the penalties penalty at all.

 

The Local Government Law allows those who are charged according to with violating a by-law to have an opportunity to present a letter of explanation2. Accordingly, the city official handed out a form of explanation to those seven people who refused to pay the penalty3. Two of them wrote an the explanation such as that they immediately extinguished a the cigarette as once they realized remembered the by-law. The City will consider the explanation and will send send them an invoice for penalties payment of the penalty if the explanation is not appropriate. Five of them the by-law breakers 3even refused to receive accept the form of explanation. The City will then send sends them the another form again and ask asks them to return the form it within ten days. Those The total of 60 people caught, however, do does not include those who ran away as soon as they saw the city official patrolling the street.

 

コメント

 

このような内容の錯綜した文章では、内容を整理して主語を明確にしないと、誰がどうなったのかわからなくなります。それぞれの文の主語はくどいほどに明確にします。

1.       文が長くなると、後ろの方に置かれた修飾節の内容は印象が薄くなるので、独立した文にします。

 

2.       日本文の内容の順序を変えて、英文では条例の説明をしてから個々の例を説明します。

 

3.       いろいろなグループが出てくるので、混乱を避けるように明確に説明します。

 

添削後の文章

 

“The Current Situation of the By-law that Prohibits Throwing Garbage and Cigarette Butts on the Street in Hiroshima City”

 

On January 15, the City of Hiroshima released a report on the current situation regarding the city by-law charging 1,000 yen penalties to those who throw garbage or cigarette butts on the street in the central part of downtown Hiroshima. The report covered the first half month since the by-law went into effect.

 

Out of 60 people who were caught violating the by-law, 48 people paid the penalties on the spot, five said that they did not have enough cash and received an invoice, and seven refused to pay the penalty at all.

 

The Local Government Law allows those who are charged  with violating a by-law to have an opportunity to present a letter of explanation. Accordingly, the city official handed out a form of explanation to those seven people who refused to pay the penalty. Two of them wrote the explanation that they immediately extinguished the cigarette once they remembered the by-law. The City will consider the explanation and will send them an invoice for payment of the penalty if the explanation is not appropriate. Five of the by-law breakers even refused to accept the form of explanation. The City then sends them another form and asks them to return it within ten days. The total of 60 people caught, does not include those who ran away as soon as they saw the city official patrolling the street.

 

 

上級問題 49 「火星探査車分析の岩石決める」

 

米航空宇宙局(NASA)は1月19日、火星探査車スピリットを大地の上で初めて3メートルほど前進させたと発表した。最初の分析対象となるフットボール大の岩石も決まった。分析対象の岩石は車体の前方30センチの場所にある。表面は滑らかで土砂に覆われておらず、岩石自体の成分を調べやすい。ロボットアームの先端についた器具で岩石を削り、特殊カメラで撮影したり、分光計で成分を分析したりする。

 

読者からの投稿 3(Kalo, 10 January 09

 

"Mars Exploration Rover will Analyze a Rock on Mars"

 

On January 19, National Aeronautics Space Agency (NASA) announced that it successfully operated its Mars rover Spirit for the first time to move about 3 meters forward on the surface of Mars.

 

Now, Sprit pauses 30 centimeters ahead of a football-sized rock to conduct tests to analyze its make-up. The surface of the rock is flat and dust-free, so ideal to grind. Spirit will grind out samples of the rock with a tool attached on the robot arm, take images of them with a special camera and analyze its make-up with a spectrometer.

 

添削

 

"Mars Exploration Rover will Analyze a Rock on Mars"

 

On January 19, the National Aeronautics Space Agency (NASA) announced that it had1 successfully operated its Mars rover Spirit for the first time to move about 3 meters forward on the surface of Mars.

 

Now, Sprit pauses 30 centimeters ahead from2 of a football-sized rock before it will to conduct several tests to analyze the its make-up of the rock3. The surface of the rock is flat smooth4 and dust-free and , so is ideal for to grinding to take samples5. Spirit will grind out samples of the rock with a tool attached on the robot arm, take images of them the samples with a special camera and analyze its make-up with a spectrometer.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。スピリットは(もう一つの探査車と一緒に)すでに五年間も火星の表面を動き回り続け、既に二つの探査車で合計25万枚の写真を送ってきているそうです。

 

1.       単純過去形でも意味はわかりますが、英文では時制(出来事の時間関係を表現する動詞の変化)がはっきりしているので過去完了形がよいでしょう。時制のはっきりしない(無いという人もいます)日本語に馴れている私たちは過去完了形というと何か特殊なものの気がしますが、しっかりした英文では頻繁に使われます。

 

2.       ahead of a rockというとスピリットが石を迂回して石の前方三メートルに止まった、という印象になります。

 

3.       複雑な動作の説明なので、もう少し丁寧に説明するとよいでしょう。

 

4.       flatというと岩の表面に平面部分がある、という印象です。smoothですと表面にでこぼこがない、という意味になります。

 

5.       次の文の最初と重複しますが、こうしたほうがわかりやすいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

"Mars Exploration Rover will Analyze a Rock on Mars"

 

On January 19, the National Aeronautics Space Agency (NASA) announced that it had successfully operated its Mars rover Spirit for the first time to move about 3 meters forward on the surface of Mars.

 

Now, Sprit pauses 30 centimeters from a football-sized rock before it will conduct several tests to analyze the make-up of the rock. The surface of the rock is smooth and dust-free and is ideal for grinding to take samples. Spirit will grind out samples of the rock with a tool attached on the robot arm, take images of the samples with a special camera and analyze its make-up with a spectrometer.

 

 

読者からの投稿 2(マック、17 April 05

 

National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) announced that they succeeded in making "Spirit", an exploration vehicle, move forward about three meters for the first time on Mars. They have decided on their first object of analysis, too, which is a rock as big as a football.

 

The rock is 30 centi-meters ahead of "Spirit", and since its surface is smooth and not covered with dirt, it is easy to examine its components. The vehicle has a robot arm whose tip can scrape the rock, take its pictures and analyze its components with a spectroscope.

 

添削

 

On January 19, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) announced that they succeeded in making "Spirit", an exploration vehicle, move forward about three meters for the first time on Mars. They have also decided on their the first object of for analysis by Spirit, too, which is a rock as big as a football.

 

The rock is lies 30 centi-meters ahead of "Spirit"1., and sSince its surface is smooth and not covered with the dirt, it is easy to examine its components. The vehicle Spirit2 has a robot arm whose tip can scrape the rock, take its pictures and analyze its components with a spectroscope.

 

1.       ここでいったん文を切ったほうが読みやすいでしょう。あまり短い文だとなんとなく長くしたい気持ちになりますが(日本文は長々と文を続けていくのが特徴です)、文と文の内容が関連していれば、短い文を並べても日本文のような違和感はありません。

 

2.       すでにSpiritは文の中に出ているので、この固有名詞を使ったほうがよいです。

 

添削後の文章

 

On January 19, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) announced that they succeeded in making "Spirit", an exploration vehicle, move forward about three meters for the first time on Mars. They have also decided  the first object for analysis by Spirit,  a rock as big as a football.

 

The rock lies 30 centimeters ahead of Spirit. Since its surface is smooth and not covered with the dirt, it is easy to examine its components. Spirit has a robot arm whose tip can scrape the rock, take its pictures and analyze its components with a spectroscope.

 

 

読者からの投稿 1(NOMU, 31 Jan 04

 

NASA Decided on Which Rock Mars Rover Is Going to Analyze

 

Nasa announced on January 19 that they succeeded in moving Mars rover Spirit forward about 3meters on the surface of Mars for the first time. They also have selected a football-sized rock as the first analysis object. It now lies 30centimeters ahead of the rover. Checking the component of the rock is not so difficult because its smooth surface is not covered with earth or sand. They are going to scrape the rock with an equipment attached on the tip of the robot arm, and then film it with a special camera and analize its component with spectrometer.

 

添削

 

NASA Selects1 Decided on Which a Rock That Mars Rover Is Going to Analyze2

 

Nasa NASA announced on January 19 that they succeeded in moving Mars rover Rover Spirit forward about 3 meters on the surface of Mars for the first time. They also have also selected a football-sized rock as the first analysis object for its analysis. It now The rock3 lies 30 centimeters ahead of the rover. Checking the components of the rock is not so difficult because its smooth surface is not covered with earth or sand4. They are The rover5 is going to scrape the rock with an equipment attached on the tip of the robot arm, and then film take pictures of the scrapings it6 with a special camera, and then analize analyze its components with its built-in spectrometer.

 

コメント

 

1.       新聞や雑誌の記事の見出しは、過去の出来事でも現在形で書く習慣があります。記事の内容の臨場感を増すためだろうとおもいます。

 

2.       火星探査車を主語にして次のようにも出来ます。”The US Mars Rover Spirit Chooses a Rock for Inspection”

 

3.       代名詞ではなくthe rockとしたほうがはっきりします。

 

4.       表面が滑らかで土砂の付いてない岩石を分析のために選んだ、ということを強調するなら、次のように表現できます。The rock, lying 30 centimeters ahead of the rover, has a smooth surface void of earth and sand and is expected to be suitable for inspection of its geological composition.

 

5.       このでは主語を火星探査車にしたほうが内容が具体的になります。

 

6.       削り取った岩石のくず、としたほうが内容がはっきりします。

 

添削後の文章

 

“NASA Selects a Rock That Mars Rover Is Going to Analyze”

 

NASA announced on January 19 that they succeeded in moving Mars Rover Spirit forward about 3 meters on the surface of Mars for the first time. They have also selected a football-sized rock as the first object for its analysis. The rock lies 30 centimeters ahead of the rover. Checking the components of the rock is not so difficult because its smooth surface is not covered with earth or sand. The rover is going to scrape the rock with an equipment attached on the tip of the robot arm, take pictures of the scrapings with a special camera, and then analyze its components with its built-in spectrometer.

 

上級問題 50 「東京・世田谷の区立中が一時限を2分延長」

 

授業を2分ずつ延長すれば、年間で計33時間の増加に。東京都世田谷区教育委員会は1月20日、区立中学校の授業時間を一律2分延長するモデル案を発表した。教員や生徒に時間の大切さを再認識させて、授業の質を高めるほか、生徒の学力向上も狙う。一時限をこれまでの50分から52分にすれば、年間の授業時間は合計約33時間増える。このモデル案を区立全32校に示し、来年度から実施するよう求める。

 

読者からの投稿 3(11 January 09

 

"Setagaya Ward Plans to Increase Class Time in Junior High School by Two Minutes"

 

January 20, the Education Board of Setagaya Ward, Tokyo, announced a proposal to increase each class time in its junior high schools by 2 minutes to 52 minutes. The increase amounts to 33 hours in total a year.

 

The proposal aims to make teaches and students become more aware of the importance of class time and also improve the quality of class, leading to the improvement of student's academic abilities. The Board will call on all the 32 junior high school in the ward to implement the proposal in the next academic year.

 

添削

 

"Setagaya Ward Plans to Increase Class Time in Junior High School by Two Minutes"

 

On January 20, the Education Board of Setagaya Ward, Tokyo, announced a proposal to increase each class time in its junior high schools by 2 minutes to 52 minutes. The increase amounts to 33 hours in total a year in total.

 

The proposal aims to make teaches and students become more aware of the importance of class time and also to improve the quality of class, leading to the improvement of student's academic abilities. The Board will call on all the 32 junior high school in the ward to implement the proposal in the next academic year.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。段落を二つにしたので内容がはっきりしましたね。

 

添削後の文章

 

"Setagaya Ward Plans to Increase Class Time in Junior High School by Two Minutes"

 

On January 20, the Education Board of Setagaya Ward, Tokyo, announced a proposal to increase each class time in its junior high schools by 2 minutes to 52 minutes. The increase amounts to 33 hours a year in total.

 

The proposal aims to make teaches and students more aware of the importance of class time and also to improve the quality of class, leading to the improvement of students’ academic abilities. The Board will call on all the 32 junior high school in the ward to implement the proposal in the next academic year.

 

 

読者からの投稿 2(マック、16 April 05

 

Public junior high schools in Setagaya, Tokyo, will extend the period by two minutes.

 

A two-minute extension of each period amounts to 33 hours in a year. The Educational Committee of Setagaya Ward in Tokyo presented a model plan of prolonging the class by two minutes at public junior high schools in Setagaya Ward on Jan. 20, with the aim of improving not only the quality of lesson by having the teachers and students re-recognize the importance of time, but also the students' academic ability. By extending the class period from the traditional 50 minutes to 52 minutes, the total class hours of one academic year increase by 33 hours. The Committee is going to demand all the 32 public schools in the ward to put this plan into practice as of next academic year.

 

添削

 

Public junior high schools in Setagaya, Tokyo, will extend the period class1 by two minutes2.

 

A two-minute extension of each period class will amounts to 33 hours in a year. The Educational Committee of Setagaya Ward in Tokyo presented a this3 model plan of prolonging extending the class by two minutes at public junior high schools in Setagaya Ward on January. 20., The plan4 is with the aimed at of improving not only the quality of lesson teaching by having the teachers and students re-recognize the importance of class time, but also the students' academic ability. By extending the class period from the traditional 50 minutes to 52 minutes, the total class hours of one academic year will increase by 33 hours. The Committee is going to demand ask all the 32 public schools in the ward to put this plan into practice as of in the next academic year.

 

コメント

 

1.       この文脈ではclassだけで「教室での授業」という意味があります。

 

2.       見出しなので “-----“でくくる、下線を引く、大文字にする、などで記事の文章と区別できるようにすると良いでしょう。この添削では “Public Junior High Schools in Setagaya ~”という形式を使っています。

 

3.       前の文との関連をはっきりさせます。

 

4.       文が長くなるので、ここから新しい文にすると読みやすくなります。

 

添削後の文章

 

“Public junior high schools in Setagaya, Tokyo, will extend class by two minutes”

 

A two-minute extension of each class will amount to 33 hours in a year. The Educational Committee of Setagaya Ward in Tokyo presented this model plan of extending  class by two minutes at public junior high schools in Setagaya Ward on January 20. The plan is  aimed at  improving not only the quality of teaching by having the teachers and students re-recognize the importance of class time but also the students' academic ability. By extending the class period from the traditional 50 minutes to 52 minutes, the total class hours of one academic year will increase by 33 hours. The Committee is going to ask all 32 public schools in the ward to put this plan into practice  in the next academic year.

 

 

読者からの投稿 1(ごろう、28 July 04

 

“Public Junior High Schools in Setagaya Ward in Tokyo Extend their Classes by Two Minutes”

 

On January 20, the Board of Education in Setagaya Ward in Tokyo announced a plan to extend the period of one class at their public junior high schools by two minutes and gain thirty-three hours of more class time a year. Currently, the period of one class is 50 minutes. By extending it to 52 minutes, a total class time at a junior high school will gain 33 more hours a year. The plan is intended to make both teachers and students the importance of class time and at the same time to improve the quality of curriculum and the academic ability of students. The plan will be implemented at all thirty-two public junior high schools in the ward in the next school year.

 

添削

 

"Public Junior High Schools in Setagaya Ward in Tokyo Extend their Classes by Two Minutes"

 

On January 20, the Board of Education in Setagaya Ward in Tokyo announced a plan to extend the period of one each class at their public junior high schools by two minutes and gain thirty-three hours of more class time a per year1. Currently, the period of one each class is 50 minutes long. By extending it to 52 minutes, a total class time at a junior high school will gain 33 more hours a year. 2The plan is intended to make both teachers and students aware of the importance of class time and at the same time, to improve the quality of the curriculum and the academic ability of students. The plan will be implemented at all thirty-two public junior high schools in the ward in the next school year3.

 

コメント

 

1.       日本文は「授業を2分ずつ延長すれば、年間で計33時間の増加に。」というキーセンテンスで始まっていますが、英文でこれを文章の始めにもってくるとわかり難くなるので、ごろうさんのように説明的にすると良いでしょう。

 

2.       すでに述べているので、省略します。

 

3.       日本文では「(教育委員会は)このモデル案を区立全32校に示し、来年度から実施するよう求める。」となっています。行政手続を重視するなら、この過程を表現しなければならないでしょうが、結果だけを表現するなら、ごろうさんのように「モデル案」を主語にすると簡単になります。

 

添削後の文章

 

"Public Junior High Schools in Setagaya Ward in Tokyo Extend their Classes by Two Minutes"

 

On January 20, the Board of Education in Setagaya Ward in Tokyo announced a plan to extend the period of each class at their public junior high schools by two minutes and gain thirty-three hours of more class time per year. Currently, each class is 50 minutes long. The plan is intended to make both teachers and students aware of the importance of class time and at the same time, improve the quality of the curriculum and the academic ability of students. The plan will be implemented at all thirty-two public junior high schools in the ward in the next school year.