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上級練習問題の添削 41−45

 

上級問題 41「地震の大きさと被害の関係」(12 Jan 04) (8 March 09)

上級問題 42「東京、大阪のJR沿線で少子化が進む」(14 Jan 04) (29 Apr 09)

上級問題 43「中国の有人宇宙飛行の成功」(16 Jan 04) (1 May 09)

上級問題 44「企業生き残りのためのコミュニケーション戦略」(26 July 04) (14 May 09)

(22 Oct 12)

上級問題 45「経営陣トップにわかりにくい情報技術」(27 July 04) (9 June 09)

 

上級問題 41「地震の大きさと被害の関係」

 

気象庁によると、明治以降、日本で死者・行方不明者百人以上を出した地震は合計十九回起きているが、うちマグニチュード(M)8以上は一九四六年十二月の南海道地震など四回だけだ。一方、同十四万人にも及んだ二三年九月の関東大震災の震度は7だったが、Mは79で、地震の規模は今回の十勝沖地震よりも小さく、Mと被害の大きさは必ずしも連動しない。被害と直接関係があるのは震度で、ある地点でどれだけ揺れたかを表す。気象庁が定めた震度には0から7まであり、56には「弱」と「強」があるため十階級に分かれる。震度7は「耐震性の高い建物でも傾いたり、大きく破損するものがある」などとされる。Mは、個々の地点の揺れではなく、地震全体のエネルギーの大きさを表す尺度で、電球に例えた説明がよく使われる。電球が明るくても遠く離れれば暗くなるように、Mが大きくても震源から離れると揺れは小さくなるも遠く離れれば暗くなるように、Mが大きくても震源から離れると揺れは小さくなる

 

読者からの投稿 2(Kalo, 8 March 09

 

"Relationship between an Earthquake and its Damage"

 

According to the Meteorological Agency, a total of 19 earthquakes leaving more than 100 people dead or missing have occurred in Japan since the Meiji period. Out of them, only four earthquakes including the Nankaido Earthquake in December 1946, measured a magnitude of 8 or more on the Richter scale.

 

The Great Kanto Earthquake, which left around 140,000 people dead or missing, measured 7 on the seismic intensity scale but didn't reach 8 in magnitude, measuring 7.9. The 7.9 magnitude was smaller than that of the recent Tokachi Offshore Earthquake. This means that magnitude doesn't always relate directly to the extent of damage caused by an earthquake.

 

What relates directly to the extent of damage is seismic intensity that indicates the degree of ground motion at a given point. The seismic intensity defined by the Meteorological Agency is divided into 10 scales: 7, upper 6, lower 6, upper 5, lower 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 and 0 in order. An earthquake with intensity 7 can lean and severely damage even highly earthquake-resistant buildings.

 

Unlike the seismic intensity scale, magnitude on the Richter scale represents the amount of seismic energy released by an earthquake. For an easy reference, magnitude can be likened to the brightness of a bulb. A bulb with the same brightness becomes darker as you move away from it. Similarly, an earthquake with the same magnitude produces a smaller tremor as you are away from the epicenter.

 

添削

 

"The Relationship between the Strength of an Earthquake and its Damage"

 

According to the Meteorological Agency, a total of 19 earthquakes leaving more than 100 people dead or missing have occurred in Japan since the Meiji period. Out of them, only four earthquakes including the Nankaido Earthquake in December 1946, measured a magnitude of 8 or more on the Richter scale.

 

The Great Kanto Earthquake, which left around 140,000 people dead or missing, measured 7 on the seismic intensity scale but didn't reach 8 in its magnitude, measuring 7.9. The 7.9 magnitude of 7.9 was smaller than that of the recent Tokachi Offshore Earthquake. This means that the magnitude doesn't always relate directly to the extent of damage caused by an earthquake.

 

What relates directly to the extent of damage is the seismic intensity of an earthquake that indicates the degree of ground motion at a given point. The seismic intensity defined by the Meteorological Agency is divided into 10 scales: 7, upper 6, lower 6, upper 5, lower 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 and 0 in the order of strength1. An earthquake with intensity 7 can make lean and severely damage even highly earthquake-resistant buildings lean and severely damage them.

 

Unlike the seismic intensity scale, a magnitude on the Richter scale represents the amount of seismic energy released by an earthquake. For an easy reference, a magnitude can be likened to the brightness of a bulb. A bulb with the same brightness becomes darker as you move away from it. Similarly, an earthquake with the same magnitude produces a smaller tremor as you are get away from the epicenter.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。Paragraphげ適切に設定されていて読みやすいですね。

 

1.       このように具体的に並べると一目でわかりますね。

 

添削後の文章

 

"The Relationship between the Strength of an Earthquake and its Damage"

 

According to the Meteorological Agency, a total of 19 earthquakes leaving more than 100 people dead or missing have occurred in Japan since the Meiji period. Out of them, only four earthquakes including the Nankaido Earthquake in December 1946, measured a magnitude of 8 or more on the Richter scale.

 

The Great Kanto Earthquake, which left around 140,000 people dead or missing, measured 7 on the seismic intensity scale but didn't reach 8 in its magnitude, measuring 7.9. The magnitude of 7.9 was smaller than that of the recent Tokachi Offshore Earthquake. This means that the magnitude doesn't always relate directly to the extent of damage caused by an earthquake.

 

What relates directly to the extent of damage is the seismic intensity of an earthquake that indicates the degree of ground motion at a given point. The seismic intensity defined by the Meteorological Agency is divided into 10 scales: 7, upper 6, lower 6, upper 5, lower 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 and 0 in the order of strength. An earthquake with intensity 7 can make even highly earthquake-resistant buildings lean and severely damage them.

 

Unlike the seismic intensity scale, a magnitude on the Richter scale represents the amount of seismic energy released by an earthquake. For an easy reference, a magnitude can be likened to the brightness of a bulb. A bulb with the same brightness becomes darker as you move away from it. Similarly, an earthquake with the same magnitude produces a smaller tremor as you get away from the epicenter.

 

 

読者からの投稿 1(NOMU, 12 Jan 04

 

The Relationship Between the Scale of an Earthquake and Damage

 

According to the Meteorological Agency, the number of earthquakes that caused more than one hundred people to die or go missing has add up to nineteen since the Meiji period. Only four of them had a magnitude of 8 or over on the Richter scale, including the Nankaido earthquake in December,

1946.

 

While the Great Kanto earthquake which caused as many as 140thousand people to die or go missing  had a magnitude of 7,9 and an intensity of 7. The scale of the Great Kanto earthquake was smaller than that of the recent Tokachioki earthquake. From this fact, we can see that the magnitude of an earthquake and the damage caused by it aren't necessarily proportional. It is intensity of an earthquake that is closely related to damage.

 

Intensity shows how big the tremor is at a certain place. The meteorological Agency classifies intensity from 0 to 7. Intensity 5 and 6 being divided into two level, weaker and stronger, the measure comes down to 10 degrees. For example, in an earthquake with intensity7, even earthquake-proof buildings can tilt or break down because of the tremor.

 

On the other hand, magnitude is the measure that shows the seismic power of an earthquake as a whole. The concept of magnitude is often explained by using the example of a light bulb. Even if a light bulb is very bright, the farther your place is from it, the darker your place is. Likewise the farther your place is from the epicenter, the weaker the tremor is .

 

添削

 

The Relationship Between the Scale of an Earthquake and the Extent of its Damage

 

According to the Japan Meteorological Agency, the number of earthquakes that have caused more than one hundred people to die or go missing1 has added up to nineteen since the Meiji period. Only four of them has had a magnitude of 8 or over greater on the Richter scale, including the Nankaido eEarthquake in December,1946.

 

While the The Great Kanto eEarthquake which caused as many as 140 thousand people to die or go missing had a magnitude of 7.,9 and an intensity of 7. The scale magnitude2 of the Great Kanto eEarthquake was smaller than that of the recent Tokachioki eEarthquake. From this fact, we can see that the magnitude of an earthquake is not necessarily proportional to the damage it causes3. and the damage caused by it aren't necessarily proportional. It is the intensity of an earthquake that is more closely related to its damage.

 

Intensity shows how big the tremor is at a certain place. The Japan mMeteorological Agency classifies earthquake intensity on a scale of from 0 to 7. Intensity 5 and 6 being divided into two levels, weaker and stronger, there are altogether the measure comes down to 10 degrees of earthquake intensity. For example, in an earthquake4 with the highest degree of intensity, 7, can tilt or break down even earthquake-proof buildings can tilt or break down because of the tremor.

 

On the other hand, earthquake magnitude is the measure that shows the seismic power of an earthquake as a whole. The concept of magnitude is often explained by using the example of a light bulb. Even if a light bulb is very bright, the farther your place walk away5 is from it, the darker your place the light bulb becomes is. Likewise the farther your place is moves away from the epicenter, the weaker the tremor is becomes .

 

コメント

 

日本文の内容は地震の大きさ(マグニチュード)と震度が地震の被害にどう影響するか、を説明しています。英文で地震の大きさと震度を区別してわかりやすく説明することが重要になります。NOMUさんはこの説明に成功しています。

 

1.       「死者・行方不明者百人以上を出した地震」をNOMUさんはthe number of earthquakes that have caused more than one hundred people to die or go missing とっ分かりやすく表現しています。

 

2.       既にmagnitudeを前の文で使っているので、ここでも同じ単語を使って統一性を保ちます。

 

3.       A and B are proportional.より、A is proportional to B.の表現のほうが読者にわかりやすくなります。

 

4.       地震を主語にしたほうが文が簡潔になります。

 

5.       Isというbe動詞より、動きのある動詞のほうがこのような比較の時には内容がはっきりします。

 

 

添削後の文章

 

“The Relationship Between the Scale of an Earthquake and the Extent of its Damage”

 

According to the Japan Meteorological Agency, the number of earthquakes that have caused more than one hundred people to die or go missing has added up to nineteen since the Meiji period. Only four of them has had a magnitude of 8 or greater on the Richter scale, including the Nankaido Earthquake in December,1946.

 

The Great Kanto Earthquake which caused as many as 140 thousand people to die or go missing had a magnitude of 7.9 and an intensity of 7. The magnitude of the Great Kanto Earthquake was smaller than that of the recent Tokachioki Earthquake. From this fact, we can see that the magnitude of an earthquake is not necessarily proportional to the damage it causes. It is the intensity of an earthquake that is more closely related to its damage.

 

Intensity shows how big the tremor is at a certain place. The Japan Meteorological Agency classifies earthquake intensity on a scale of 0 to 7. Intensity 5 and 6 being divided into two levels, weaker and stronger, there are altogether 10 degrees of earthquake intensity. For example, an earthquake with the highest degree of intensity, 7, can tilt or break down even earthquake-proof buildings .

 

On the other hand, earthquake magnitude is the measure that shows the seismic power of an earthquake as a whole. The concept of magnitude is often explained by using the example of a light bulb. Even if a light bulb is very bright, the farther your walk away from it, the darker the light bulb becomes . Likewise the farther your place moves away from the epicenter, the weaker the tremor becomes .

 

 

上級問題 42「東京、大阪のJR沿線で少子化が進む」

 

2003年8月に東大、専修大、国立社会保障・人口問題研究所は少子化と出生率に関する調査を行った。東京、大阪のJR沿線ごとに、15-40歳の女性を対象に0-4歳児の数を調べ、少子化状況を比較している。結果は、少子化がもっとも顕著なのは東京の中央線沿線で0.15人、ついで大阪の神戸線沿線が0.16人であった。各沿線で年々少子化が進み、東京の各沿線では1985-95年の10年間に子供の数が20パーセントほど減っている。また持ち家比率との関連の調査されており、持ち家比率が低いほど少子化が進む。

 

読者からの投稿 2(Kalo, 29 April 09

 

"Fewer and fewer children in cities along JR lines in Tokyo and Osaka"

 

A survey found that the birthrate declined to 0.15 in cities along the Chuo line in Tokyo and 0.16 in those along the Kobe line in Osaka, indicating that the number of children in these cities was decreasing faster than in other cities surveyed.

 

Carried out in August 2003, a survey conducted by University of Tokyo, Senshu University and the National Institute of Population and Social Security Research covered women aged 15 to 40 who lived in cities along JR lines in Tokyo and Osaka, and asked them how many children aged four and below they had.

 

The survey found that the birthrate has been declining every year in all the cities along JR lines in Tokyo and Osaka. In Tokyo, the number of children has decreased by 20 percent in ten years from 1985 to 1995.

 

The survey also found that the number of children born to those who rented a house was lower than to those who owned one.

 

添削

 

"Fewer and fewer children in cities along JR lines in Tokyo and Osaka"

 

A survey found that the birthrate declined to 0.15 in cities along the Chuo line in Tokyo and 0.16 in those along the Kobe line in Osaka, indicating that the number of children in these cities was decreasing faster than in other cities surveyed.

 

Carried out in August 2003, a the survey conducted by University of Tokyo, Senshu University and the National Institute of Population and Social Security Research covered women aged between15 and to 40 who lived in cities along JR lines in Tokyo and Osaka, and asked them how many children aged four and below they had.

 

The survey found that the birthrate has been declining year after year every year in all the cities along JR lines in Tokyo and Osaka. In Tokyo, the number of children has decreased by 20 percent in ten years from 1985 to 1995.

 

The survey also found that the number of children born to those who were renteding a house was lower than to those who owned their own house one.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。出生率(合計特殊出生率)は人口1000人あたりの子供の数で1971年の第二次ベービーブームの頂点では2.14でしたがその後減少と続け、2006年には1.32でした。この記事の0.15と0.16という数字は極端に少ないので人口全体ではなくて人口の中のあるグループ(ただJR沿線の都市というだけでは少なすぎるとおもいます)なのだと思いますが、この記事を練習問題にしたときに調べておかなかったので、いまではどんなグループなのかわかりません。

 

これらのJR各線の乗客で15歳から40歳の女性を調査の対象にしたとすれば、その大半は学生、独身で働いている女性、共稼ぎの女性だったのかもしれません。とすればこのグループにかんしては出生率が低いのもうなずけます。題名はキーセンテンスとして適当でしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

"Fewer and fewer children in cities along JR lines in Tokyo and Osaka"

 

A survey found that the birthrate declined to 0.15 in cities along the Chuo line in Tokyo and 0.16 in those along the Kobe line in Osaka, indicating that the number of children in these cities was decreasing faster than in other cities.

 

Carried out in August 2003, the survey conducted by University of Tokyo, Senshu University and the National Institute of Population and Social Security Research covered women aged between15 and  40 who lived in cities along JR lines in Tokyo and Osaka, and asked them how many children aged four and below they had.

 

The survey found that the birthrate has been declining year after year in all the cities along JR lines in Tokyo and Osaka. In Tokyo, the number of children has decreased by 20 percent in ten years from 1985 to 1995.

 

The survey also found that the number of children born to those who were renting a house was lower than to those who owned their own house .

 

 

読者からの投稿 1(NOMU, 14 Jan 04

 

"Birthrate is Falling in The Districts Along JR Lines in Tokyo and Osaka"

 

The university of Tokyo, the university of Senshu and the National Research Center for Social Security and Population conducted a survey on dwindling number of children and birthrate in August, 2003. In the survey, the reseachers asked 15- to 40-year-old women how many infants(aged 0 to 4) they had . Those who surveyed were devided into groups, according to which JR lines in Tokyo and Osaka they lived nearby. The birthrate of each group was compared in order to study the development of falling birthrate.

 

The survey shows that the lowest birthrate 0,15 was seen in Chuo line group in Tokyo, followed by 0,16 in Kobe line group in Osaka. In all districts surveyed, birthrate has been declining year by year. The number of children has decreased by approximately 20% in ten years from 1985 to 1995 along every line in Tokyo. They also surveyed the relation between homeownership rate and birthrate and found that as the homeownership rate becomes lower, so does the birthrate.

 

添削

 

"Birthrates is Are Falling in Tthe Districts Aalong the JR Lines in Tokyo and Osaka"

 

In August 20031,The university of Tokyo, the university of Senshu Tokyo University, Senshu University and the National Research Center for Social Security and Population conducted a joint survey on the dwindling number of children and birthrate in August, 2003. In the survey, tThe reseachers researchers asked 15- to 40-year-old women how many infants children (aged 0 to 4) age four and younger they had . Those who surveyed wereThe researchers2 devided divided the women into groups, according to which JR lines in Tokyo and Osaka they lived nearby. and estimated Tthe birthrate of for each group was compared in order to study the development of falling birthrate.

 

The survey shows found that women who lived along the Chuo Line in Tokyo3 had the lowest birthrate, 0.,15 children per womanwas seen in Chuo line group in Tokyo, followed by those who lived along the Kobe Line in Osaka with 0,16 children per woman in Kobe line group in Osaka. In all districts surveyed, the birthrate has been declining year by year. The number of children has decreased by approximately 20% in ten years from 1985 to 1995 along every line in Tokyo. They also surveyed the relationship between homeownership rate and birthrate and found that as the homeownership rate becomes became lower, so does did the birthrate4.

 

コメント

 

1.       In January, 2003, I went to Paris. とすると文の最初にコンマが二つ続いて格好が悪いので、In January 2003, I went to Paris.と月のあとのコンマを省略するのが一般的です。ただし、On January 13, 2003, I left for Paris.のように日付の後ろにはコンマを入れます。

 

2.       The researchers を主語にしたほうが能動態になり表現がやさしくなります。また次の文との関連も簡単になります。

 

3.       ここでもwomenを主語にしたほうが内容がわかりやすくなります。

 

4.       「持ち家比率が低いほど少子化が進む」は内容からThe survey also found that those who rented their homes had fewer children than those who had their own homes.とも表現できます。

 

添削後の文章

 

"Birthrates Are Falling in the Districts along the JR Lines in Tokyo and Osaka"

 

In August 2003, Tokyo University, Senshu University and the National Research Center for Social Security and Population conducted a joint survey on the dwindling number of children and birthrate. The researchers asked 15- to 40-year-old women how many children age four and younger they had. The researchers divided the women into groups according to which JR lines in Tokyo and Osaka they lived nearby and estimated the birthrate for each group in order to study the development of falling birthrate.

 

The survey found that women who lived along the Chuo Line in Tokyo had the lowest birthrate, 0.15 children per woman, followed by those who lived along the Kobe Line in Osaka with 0,16 children per woman. In all districts surveyed, the birthrate has been declining year by year. The number of children has decreased by approximately 20% in ten years from 1985 to 1995 along every line in Tokyo. They also surveyed the relationship between homeownership and birthrate and found that as the homeownership rate became lower, so did the birthrate.

 

 

上級問題 43「中国の有人宇宙飛行の成功」

 

中国の有人宇宙飛行成功は、中国にとって、国威の発揚という大きな効果をもたらしたといえる。計画を進める政府の求心力を高める一方、軍事転用も可能な高度な宇宙開発技術を国内外に示すことができたからだ。 中国が、有人宇宙飛行に本格着手したのは1992年とされる。国家の威信をかけた国策として、人材と資金を集中的に投入して十年余り。旧ソ連、米国が42年間独占してきた「有人飛行」の分野に、自前で踏み出したことは、米ロに対する一定のけん制力を手にしたことにもなる。

 

読者からの投稿 2(Kalo, 1 May 09

 

"China Succeeded in Launching a Manned Spacecraft"

 

China's successful launching of a manned spacecraft has boosted its national prestige. The government has successfully enhanced its centripetal force through pursuing the program and demonstrated its advanced space technology that has potential military application.

 

In 1992, China formally decided to launch a manned spacecraft as a national project. Since then, the government has been pouring a large amount of manpower and financial resources for ten years.

 

This success means that China has achieved a way to help restrain the United States and Russia, which dominated manned spacecraft programs for 42 years.

 

添削

 

"China Succeeded in Launching a Manned Spacecraft"

 

China's successful launching of a manned spacecraft has boosted its national prestige. The government has successfully enhanced its influence over the people1 centripetal force through pursuing the prestigious and visible national spacecraft program and demonstrated its advanced space technology that has potential military applications.

 

In 1992, China formally decided to launch a manned spacecraft as a national project. Since then, the government has been pouring a large amount of manpower and financial resources into the program for the last ten years.

 

This success means that China has achieved obtained mesas a way to help to restrain the United States and Russia, which had dominated manned spacecraft programs for the last 42 years.

 

コメント

内容の総てがわかります。

 

1.       「政府の求心力」は、国民が政府はなかなか良くやっていると思い文句を控える、ということでしょう。なにかこのことの説明が入るとよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

"China Succeeded in Launching a Manned Spacecraft"

 

China's successful launching of a manned spacecraft has boosted its national prestige. The government has successfully enhanced its influence over the people through pursuing the prestigious and visible national spacecraft program and demonstrated its advanced space technology that has potential military applications.

 

In 1992, China formally decided to launch a manned spacecraft as a national project. Since then, the government has been pouring a large amount of manpower and financial resources into the program for the last ten years.

 

This success means that China has obtained mesas to restrain the United States and Russia which had dominated manned spacecraft programs for the last 42 years.

 

 

読者からの投稿 1(NOMU, 16 Jan 04

 

"China's Success in Manned Space Flight"

 

China's success in manned flight benefitted the country greatly by boosting the national prestige. The government has reinforced its centripetal force to promote the project and also was able to demonstrate its advanced space development technology that had military potential.

 

It is said China officially started working on manned space flight in 1992. Since then it has invested a large sum of money and put many pasonnel in this national project by staking national prestige. Now it has stepped in the field of manned flight that had been monopolized by former Soviet Union and the U.S. for 42 years. This can be interpreted that it has come to have a say againt the U.S. and Russia.

 

添削

 

"China's Success in Manned Space Flight"

 

China's success in manned flight has benefitted benefited the country greatly by boosting the its national prestige. The government Government of China1 has reinforced its centripetal force to promote the project and has also succeeded in2 was able to demonstrateing its advanced space development technology that had has military potential.

 

It is said3 China officially started working on manned space flight in 1992. Since then it has invested a large sum of money and put many pasonnel personnel into this national project by staking its national prestige. Now it has stepped into the field of manned flight that had been monopolized by the former Soviet Union and the U.S.United States for the last 42 years. This can be interpreted that it China4 now has come to have a say againt against the U.S. and Russia and the United States5 in this area.

 

コメント

 

日本文は硬い内容ですが、NOMUさんはわかりやすく平易に英文で内容を表現しています。

 

1.       The governmentでも文脈から中国政府とわかりますが、文章に初めて出てくるのでthe Government of Chinaとしたほうが良いでしょう。

 

2.       has benefitedと対応するように、また内容を強調するように、has succeeded in demonstrating にしました。

 

3.       日本文は新聞記事の要約なので「1992年とされる」となっていますが、内容が不確かであることを示す場合のほかはit is said thatは省略しても良いとおもいます。

 

4.       Chinaと明記したほうが内容がはっきりします。

 

5.       前の文でthe former Soviet Union and the United Statesとなっているので、ここでもこの順序にしました。

 

添削後の文章

 

"China's Success in Manned Space Flight"

 

China's success in manned flight has benefited the country greatly by boosting its national prestige. The Government of China has reinforced its centripetal force to promote the project and has also succeeded in demonstrating its advanced space technology that has military potential.

 

China officially started working on manned space flight in 1992. Since then it has invested a large sum of money and put many personnel into this national project by staking its national prestige. Now it has stepped into the field of manned flight that had been monopolized by the former Soviet Union and the United States for the last 42 years. This can be interpreted that China now has a say against Russia and the United States in this area.

 

 

上級問題 44「企業生き残りのためのコミュニケーション戦略」

 

従業員の同一性が失われた組織においては、従来のような暗黙知による緩やかな管理は通用しない。トップから末端社員への意志疎通を速やかに行うとともに、企業にとっての危険な要素をいかに早く把握し処理するかが重要となる。特に、昨今、市場の変化に素早く対応するためのフラット型組織が浸透しているが、このタイプは情報伝達に優れる一方で管理徹底が困難となる傾向にある。この点からも組織内コミュニケーションは企業統治において重要な要素となる。

 

リスク・コミュニケーションも重要な生き残り戦略である。かつて行われてきた情報の操作や隠蔽は、IT社会においては技術的に無力である。そればかりか、クレームや内部告発に対する処理を誤ると、実際に起きた事件以上に企業の社会的信用を失わせる可能性がある。事実を正確に伝えることはもちろんのこと、企業として適切な対応をとったことは素早く伝えること重要である。トラブルは必ず発生するとの認識に立ち、対応策を準備しておくことが不可欠である。

 

読者からの投稿 3(Library, 22 October 12

 

Communication Strategy for Business to Survive

 

Communication is one of critical elements in corporate governance.

 

Two strategies become keys from now on. One is to communicate from the tops to the bottoms in a prompt manner and the other is how quick an organization grabs hazards and finishes it off.

 

A conventional management style which has flexibility and managers do not need to give directions a lot verbally is not effective anymore in an organization constructed by people having various back grounds. And a flat organization structure is introduced in many organizations recently to accommodate changes in the market immediately. This system advantages of distributing information quickly but its disadvantage is that it tends to control the information insufficiently.

 

Regarding risk communication strategy, when an organization fails to handle complaints from customers and whistle-blowing, it would tarnish its reputation more than the fact. To release the correct information and respond appropriately and quickly are vital. An organization needs to prepare countermeasures based on recognition of which troubles happen always. An organization would manipulate and hide the information in the past but they can not continue technically any more in such a highly sophisticated IT society.

 

添削

 

Communication Strategy for Business to Survive

 

Communication is one of critical elements in corporate governance1.

 

Two strategies will be become keys to corporate governance from now on. One is to communicate from the tops to the bottoms in a prompt manner. and tThe2 other is how quickly an organization recognizes grabs hazards and deal with them finishes it off.

 

A conventional traditional Japanese management style which is built on close human relationships of more or less homogeneous people3 has flexibility and in which4 managers do not need to give a lot of directions a lot verbally is not effective anymore in an organization composed of constructed by people with having various back grounds. As a result, And a flat organizational structure has been is introduced in many organizations recently to accommodate changes in the market immediately. This system has an advantages of distributing information quickly but also has its a disadvantage of losing is that it tends to control of people the information insufficiently.

 

Regarding risk communication strategy, when an organization fails to handle customer complaints from customers and whistle-blowing properly, this5 it will would tarnish its reputation more than customer complaints and whistle-blowing themselves the fact. To release the correct information and respond appropriately and quickly are vital. An organization needs to prepare countermeasures based on the recognition that of which troubles will happen inevitably always. An organization would could manipulate and hide the information in the past but it they can not continue doing so technically any more in today’s such a highly sophisticated IT society.

 

コメント

 

内容のすべてがわかります。日本文は長い文章の一部なので分かり難いところがあります。また必要以上に煮詰めた文章で、プレイン・ジャパニーズとは言い難いです。英文は内容を整理してわかりやすくなっています。

 

1.       キーセンテンスを一行で表示していて印象が強くなりますね。この添削講座の投稿は電子メールのテキストなので、紙面のレイアウトはできません。せいぜい段落を操作するぐらいです。実際の報告書では紙面のレイアウトはプレインイングリッシュでも重要な要素です。

 

レイアウトはウェブサイトでも重要ですね。レイアウトという観点から見ると、この添削講座のホームページはなんとも味気ないですね。投稿を勧誘するというような気配がまったくありません。10年前に添削講座を始めたときはウェブサイトの作成が初めてだったので一番簡単にしました。一時はカナダの風景写真も掲載しましたが、当時はインターネット接続が遅く、大きな写真のダウンロードに時間がかかるので、写真の掲載はやめました。その後、ウィブサイト作成プログラムは進化し、高速インターネット接続も安くなりましたが、私はこのような変化に一切目を向けず、ひたすら添削ページの保持だけをしています。このためウェブサイトのメインテナンスが簡単で(2001年に購入したIBM Homepage Builder version 4.0をまだつかっています)、添削だけに集中できます。

 

2.       新しい文にすると、一息入れるの、印象が強くなります。

 

3.       日本式経営法の利点と欠点についてはたくさんの研究があり、この文章はこのような研究の結果を踏まえています。

 

4.       in whichinを入れないと文が続きません。

 

5.       直前の文の内容を指すのでthisにします。

 

添削後の文章

 

Communication Strategy for Business to Survive

 

Communication is one of critical elements in corporate governance.

 

Two strategies will be keys to corporate governance from now on. One is to communicate from the top to bottom in a prompt manner. The other is how quickly an organization recognizes hazards and deal with them .

 

A traditional Japanese management style which is built on close human relationships of more or less homogeneous people and in which managers do not need to give a lot of directions verbally is not effective anymore in an organization composed of people with  various backgrounds. As a result, a flat organizational structure has been introduced in many organizations recently to accommodate changes in the market immediately. This system has an advantage of distributing information quickly but also has a disadvantage of losing control of people .

 

Regarding risk communication strategy, when an organization fails to handle customer complaints and whistle-blowing properly, this will tarnish its reputation more than customer complaints and whistle-blowing themselves. To release correct information and respond appropriately and quickly are vital. An organization needs to prepare countermeasures based on the recognition that troubles will happen inevitably. An organization could manipulate and hide information in the past but it can not continue doing so in today’s  highly sophisticated IT society.

 

 

読者からの投稿 2(Kalo, 14 May 09

 

"Communication Strategies for Corporate Survival"

 

It is no longer effective to continue a traditional management approach emphasizing an implicit understanding among employees because shared values and beliefs in workplace have been already lost. Now, a new approach is needed to develop so that a top management can quickly communicate its policies to all employees and immediately pinpoint and remove potential risks.

 

These days, a lot of corporations have adopted a flat organization to cope with fast-moving market trends. A flat organization increases communication in the organization but sometimes prevents a top management from exercising strong internal control over the organization. In that sense, improving a method of communication in the organization is an important factor for corporate governance.

 

Another important factor is to improve risk communication. In the information technology society, manipulating and concealing information has no effect on the public. Besides, mishandling complaints from customers and information from whistle-blowers can cause more serious damage to public trust than actual problems do.

 

Thus, when a problem arises, corporations must make public what's really happened and how properly they have responded to it, as quickly as possible. It is impossible to avoid a problem and corporations must be well-prepared for it.

 

添削

 

"Communication Strategies for Corporate Survival"

 

It is no longer effective to continue a traditional management approach emphasizing an implicit understanding among employees because shared values and beliefs in workplace have been already lost. Now, a corporation needs a new approach to communications1 is needed to develop so that a the top management can quickly communicate its policies to all employees and immediately pinpoint identify and remove potential risks.

 

These days, a lot of corporations have adopted a flat organization to cope with fast-moving market trends. A flat organization increases the speed of communication in the organization but sometimes prevents a the top management from exercising a strong internal control over the organization. In that sense, improving a method of communication in the organization is an important factor for corporate governance.

 

Another important factor for corporate survival is to improve risk communications. In the information technology society, manipulating and concealing information from the public is technically impossible has no effect on the public2. Besides, mishandling complaints from customers and information from whistle-blowers can impairs public trust in the corporation and can cause more serious damages to public trust than actual problems do.

 

Thus, when a problem arises, a corporations3 must make it public and announce that what's really happened and how the corporation has already properly dealt with itthey have responded to it, as quickly as possible. It is impossible to avoid all problems. A corporation must assume that sooner or later it will face a problem and corporations must be well -prepared for it.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。日本文より英文のほうが内容がわかりやすいですね。英文で表現するときには内容の論理性に日本文を書くときより注意を払うためでしょうか。

 

1.       Collins COBUILDCommunications are the system and processes that are used to communicate or broadcast information…とあります。ここはこの「手段」が適当でしょう。

 

2.       「情報の操作や隠蔽は、IT社会においては技術的に無力である。」はIT技術の普及で情報が漏れたり公表されたりする手段が増えて、もう隠蔽できない、という意味だと思います。

 

3.       文章の最初の文で(添削した文ですが)a corporationとしたので単数に統一しました。

 

添削後の文章

 

"Communication Strategies for Corporate Survival"

 

It is no longer effective to continue a traditional management approach emphasizing an implicit understanding among employees because shared values and beliefs in workplace have been already lost. Now, a corporation needs a new approach to communications so that the top management can quickly communicate its policies to all employees and immediately identify and remove potential risks.

 

These days, a lot of corporations have adopted a flat organization to cope with fast-moving market trends. A flat organization increases the speed of communication in the organization but sometimes prevents the top management from exercising a strong internal control over the organization. In that sense, improving a method of communication in the organization is an important factor for corporate governance.

 

Another important factor for corporate survival is to improve risk communications. In the information society, manipulating and concealing information from the public is technically impossible. Besides, mishandling complaints from customers and information from whistle-blowers impairs public trust in the corporation and can cause more serious damages  than actual problems .

 

Thus, when a problem arises, a corporation must make it public and announce that the corporation has already properly dealt with it. It is impossible to avoid all problems. A corporation must assume that sooner or later it will face a problem and must be well prepared for it.

 

 

読者からの投稿 1(Yoshimi, 26 July 04

 

“Communication Strategy for Corporate Survival”

 

A loose management style based on implicit sharing of common understanding by all its members no longer works in an organization where the homogeneity of its members has been lost. In such an organization, it is important now to find a way to communicate what senior management decides to the lower echelons of the organization and to deal with corporate risks as soon as possible. Recently, a flat organization is becoming popular to respond quickly to changing market conditions. The flat organization has a merit of quick communication among its members but also has a demerit of loose control over its members. From this view point, smooth communications in the organization has become a major element for effective governance of an organization.

 

Risk communication is another major element for corporate survival. In the information technology society, a corporation is technologically helpless to hide or manipulate public information for its advantage as it used to. Moreover, once an organization makes a mistake in handling  a claim from its customers or an exposure of information from within itself, it may lose its social credibility to a much larger extent than the incident rightly deserves. Now an organization should tell the public both what a problem really is and what measures the organization has taken to correct the problem. An organization should realize that a problem will inevitably happens and prepare its risk management.

 

添削

 

"Communication Strategy for Corporate Survival"

 

A loose management style1 based on the implicit sharing of common understanding by all its members2 no longer works in an organization where the homogeneity of its members has been lost. In such an organization, it is now important now to find3 a way to communicate what senior management decides to the lower echelons of the organization and to deal with corporate risks as soon as possible. Recently, a flat organization is becominghas become more popular to respond in responding quickly to changing market conditions. The A flat organization has a the merit4 of quick communication among its members but also has a the demerit of loose control over its members. From this view point, smooth communications communication in the within the organization has become a major element for effective governance of an the organization.

 

Risk communication is another major element for corporate survival. Unlike past times5, iIn the an information technology society, a corporation is technologically helpless to hide or manipulate public information for its advantage as it used to. Moreover, once an organization makes a mistake in handling  a claim from its customers or an exposure of information from within itself, it may lose its societal credibility to a much largergreater extent than the incident rightly deserves. Now In this day and age5, an organization should tell the public both what a the problem really is and what measures the organization has taken to correct the problem. An organization should realize that a problem will inevitably happens happen and prepare its for risk management.

 

コメント

 

日本文は企業組織についてのエッセイで、専門用語が入っています。専門用語の意味が分からないときは、和英辞書で英単語を見つけるより、用語辞典で専門用語の内容を理解してから、英文で表現したほうが易しくなり、また適切な表現が出来ます。

 

1.       最初の長い日本文は内容を整理すれば、A loose management style no longer works.がキーセンテンスになりますね。

 

2.       Yoshimiさんは「暗黙知」をthe implicit sharing of common understanding by all its membersとわかりやすく説明しています。

 

3.       2番目の日本文の内容をYoshimiさんはIt is important to find ~という文型を使って整理しています。To find A and to deal with B は「Aを見つけてから、Bに対処する」という時間経過を表現しています。

 

4.       Meritdemeritを対比して、内容をわかりやすくしてあります。

 

5.       事実の羅列だけで文章がぶつぶつと切れている感じがするので、この例のような長い文章には文と文の内容をつなぐ接続句が有効になります。Unlike past timesin this day and ageなどのような普段あまり使わない接続句は英文を読んだときに、これはと思ったものを採集しておくとよいですね。

 

添削後の文章

 

A loose management style based on the implicit sharing of common understanding by all its members no longer works in an organization where the homogeneity of its members has been lost. In such an organization, it is now important to find a way to communicate what senior management decides to the lower echelons of the organization and to deal with corporate risks as soon as possible. Recently, a flat organization has become more popular  in responding quickly to changing market conditions. A flat organization has the merit of quick communication among its members but also has the demerit of loose control over its members. From this view point, smooth communication within the organization has become a major element for effective governance of the organization.

 

Risk communication is another major element for corporate survival. Unlike past times, in an information technology society, a corporation is technologically helpless to hide or manipulate public information for its advantage. Moreover, once an organization makes a mistake in handling a claim from its customers or an exposure of information from within itself, it may lose its societal credibility to a greater extent than the incident rightly deserves. In this day and age5, an organization should tell the public both what the problem really is and what measures the organization has taken to correct the problem. An organization should realize that a problem will inevitably happen and prepare for risk management.

 

 

上級問題 45「経営陣トップにわかりにくい情報技術」

 

直接的に情報システムに関わると否とを問わず、今日の企業経営に携わるものにとって、IT(情報技術)をめぐる動向は非常に重要な関心事である。CIO(最高情報責任者)は経営陣に対し、ITの動向と企業の戦略にとっての意味合いをわかりやすく説明することが求められる。

 

ところがこれがますます難題になりつつある。理由は次のとおりである。(1)ITの技術革新のスピードが著しく速い、(2)基礎技術の変革が企業や個人の行動にどのような影響を及ぼすかをつかみにくい、(3)専門用語と略語が多く、ITに常時携わっている人でないとなかなか取り付きにくい。

 

読者からの投稿 2(Kalo, 9 June 09

 

"Top Management Find it Hard to Understand Information Technology"

 

Trends in information technology have become one of the most important subjects for the top management whether or not they directly are involved in information system. A chief information officer is required to clearly explain them to the top management and their implications for corporate strategies.

 

This is, however, becoming a challenge for the following reasons: 1.  Information technology advances so rapidly; 2.  It is difficult to predict how the improvement of information technology influences corporations and worker's behavior; and 3.  So many technical terms and abbreviations are used in information technology that people who are not involved in this field find it hard to understand the meaning of them.

 

添削

 

"Top Management Find it Information Technology Hard to Understand Information Technology1"

 

To keep familiar with2 Ttrends in information technology has have become one of the most important subjects for the top management whether or not they directly are directly involved in their information system. A chief information officer (CIO) is required to clearly explain them the trends to the top management and their implications for corporate strategies to his top management.

 

This is, however, becoming a challenge for the CIO because of for the following reasons:

 

1.      Information technology advances so rapidly;

2.      It is difficult to predict how the improvement advances in of information technology influences corporations and worker's behavior; and

3.      So many technical terms and abbreviations are used in information technology that people who are not involved in this field find it hard to understand their meanings of them.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかります。この日本文は、その構造に従って英文で表現しても内容がわかりやすいですね。

 

1.      題名なので代名詞を使わない構文のほうがよいでしょう。代名詞は短い文では余計者です。

 

2.      Trends are important subjects for management to keep familiar with.のように下線部分があるほうがわかりやすくなります。選択は文の簡潔性と内容説明能力の兼ね合いですが、Plain Englishでは後者に重点を置くとよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

"Top Management Find Information Technology Hard to Understand 1"

 

To keep familiar with trends in information technology has become one of the most important subjects for top management whether or not they are directly involved in their information system. A chief information officer (CIO) is required to clearly explain the trends and their implications for corporate strategies to his top management.

 

This is, however, becoming a challenge for the CIO because of the following reasons:

 

1.      Information technology advances so rapidly;

2.      It is difficult to predict how the advances in  information technology influence corporations and worker's behavior; and

3.      So many technical terms and abbreviations are used in information technology that people who are not involved in this field find it hard to understand their meanings .

 

 

読者からの投稿 1(Yoshimi, 27 July 04

 

“Senior Managers Have Difficulty in Understanding Information Technology”

 

Trends in information technology are important topics for senior managers whether or not they are directly involved in information technology. A chief information officer is required to explain to senior managers trends in information technology and their implications for the organization in such a way that they can understand the trends and implications easily.

 

But this is becoming more and more difficult every day because (1) information technology develops very fast; (2) it is not easy to find implication of information technology for a specific organization; and (3) information technology has many of its own abbreviations and technical terms that are hard to understand for anyone who is not a specialist in this area.

 

添削

 

"Senior Managers Have Difficulty in Understanding Information Technology"

 

Trends in information technology are important topics for senior managers whether or not they are directly involved in information technology. A chief information officer is required to explain to senior managers the trends in information technology and their implications for the organization in such a way that they can understand the trends and implications easily1.

 

But this is becoming more and more difficult every day because:2 (1)(1) information technology develops very fast; (2)(2) it is not easy to find the implications of information technology for a specific organization; and (3)(3) information technology has many of its own abbreviations and technical terms that are hard to understand for anyone who is not a specialist in this area to understand3.

 

コメント

 

1.       「わかりやすく説明する」を丁寧に表現しています。簡単に in easy termsとも表現できるでしょうが、この文章では大切な部分なので さんの表現のほうが適切でしょう。

 

2.       いくつかの理由が従属節で並んでいます。コロンで次に補足説明が来ることを指示し、従属節はセミコロンでつなぐとわかりやすくなります。

 

3.       for A to do Bの形式のほうが、主語+動詞の順序になるのでわかりやすくなります。

 

添削後の文章

 

"Senior Managers Have Difficulty in Understanding Information Technology"

 

Trends in information technology are important topics for senior managers whether or not they are directly involved in information technology. A chief information officer is required to explain to senior managers the trends in information technology and their implications for the organization in such a way that they can understand the trends and implications easily.

 

But this is becoming more and more difficult every day because: (1) information technology develops very fast; (2) it is not easy to find the implications of information technology for a specific organization; and (3) information technology has many of its own abbreviations and technical terms that are hard for anyone who is not a specialist in this area to understand.