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上級練習問題の添削 21−25

練習問題 21 「阪神大震災2000人の調査」(15 May 03)

練習問題 22 「ベンチャー企業育成のためのメンタリング(15 May 03)

練習問題 23 「拡大する健康食品市場」(15 May 03) (4 Nov 03) (8 Oct 12)

練習問題 24 「全国有名駅弁大会」(15 May 03)

練習問題 25 「医療機関の治療実績を公開せよ」(28 May 03) (1 Oct 12)

 

下記の練習問題21−25では、日本文の要旨を英文約200語で表現してください。

 

練習問題 21 「阪神大震災2000人の調査」

 

1995年の阪神大震災により、住み慣れた場所を離れて暮らす「県外・市外避難者」のうち、35%が今も「震災前の場所に帰りたい」、36%が「帰りたかったがあきらめた」と考えていることが、神戸市が2002年12月に行った調査で判明した。帰還への最大の悩みが住宅の確保であることも明らかになり、間もなく八年がたつ震災から復興する道のりの険しさがあらためて浮き彫りになった。

 

震災後、親類や知人を頼ったり、他の自治体の公営住宅に入って引っ越した県外・市外避難者は、五万人以上いたと推定されるが、実態の把握は困難で詳細な調査もほとんどなかった。この調査によると、帰りたいと回答した人の内訳は「ぜひ帰りたい」が14%、「できれば帰りたい」が21%で、「帰りたくない」の8%や、「帰る必要を感じない」の13%を上回った。理由は「愛着のある土地だから」が最も多く、「生活の便がよかった」「友人・知人が多い」などが続いた。

 

帰れない理由は、「経済的理由で民間住宅に入れない」「被災者向け公営住宅(復興住宅)に当たらない」など、ほとんどが住宅の問題だった。帰ることをあきらめた理由でも住宅問題が一位だが「気力がなくなった」との回答も目立ち、高齢化や経済的な問題から、精神的に追い込まれている事情がうかがえる。帰れた人は「家を再建できた」「復興住宅に当たった」ことを理由に挙げたが、こうした人でも「住宅再建や購入は負担が大きかった」との回答が突出し、ここでも住宅問題が重くのしかかっていた。

 

読者からの投稿 1(Q-chan, 15 May 03

 

“A Residence Survey of Evacuees of the Great Hanshin Earthquake”

 

In December 2002, the City of Kobe surveyed evacuees of the Great Hanshin Earthquake who lived in other cities and prefectures. The survey results showed that 35 percent of them still wanted to go back to where they used to live in Kobe and 36 percent of them wanted to go back to Kobe but had already given up their hope.

 

It is estimated that more than 50,000 people left Kobe after the earthquake to live with their relatives and friends and in public housing provided by other municipal and prefectural governments. But the exact number and their intentions have never been surveyed. The current survey revealed their intentions for the first time since the earthquake happened eight years ago.

 

According to the survey, housing was the major reason for not being able to come back to Kobe. They could not either afford private housing or get a chance to move into public housing. But some of them said that they became too old to look for and move into a new place any longer. Even among those who were fortunate to come back to Kobe said that housing was a major problem of starting a new life again in Kobe.

 

添削

 

“A Residence Residential Survey of Evacuees of the Great Hanshin Earthquake”

 

In December 2002, the City of Kobe surveyed evacuees of the Great Hanshin Earthquake who lived in other cities and prefectures. The survey results showed that 35 percent of them still wanted to go back to where they used to live in Kobe and 36 percent of them wanted to go back to Kobe but had already given up their that hope1.

 

It is estimated that more than 50,000 people left Kobe after the earthquake to live with their relatives and friends and in public housing provided by other municipal and prefectural governments. But the exact number and their intentions have never been surveyed. The current survey revealed their intentions for the first time since the earthquake happened eight years ago2.

 

According to the survey, housing was the major reason for not being able to come go back to Kobe. They could not  either not afford private housing or did not get a chance to move into public housing. But some of them said that they became had become too old to look for and move into a new place any longer. Even among those who were fortunate enough to come get back to Kobe said that housing was a major problem of starting a new life again in Kobe3.

 

コメント

 

日本文にはたくさんの情報が入っているので、英文にはどれを要点として取り入れ、論理的に(順序良く)表現するかが大切です。Q-chanさんは次のようにまとめています。

 

1.       最初の文で文章の要点を述べています。これが文章のkey paragraphです。「住宅問題が一番の障害である」が要点のひとつですが、最初の文に入れると、また後でその説明が繰り返されるので、Q-chanのようにひとつのパラグラフで独立に扱ったほうが良いでしょう。

 

2.       日本文には調査結果の詳細が書かれていますが、Q-chanさんは「県外・市外避難者の調査はこれが始めてで、五万人の県外・市外避難者がいた。」を要点にしています。もし調査の詳細が必要なときは、次のように出来ます。

 

The current survey revealed their intentions for the first time since the earthquake happened eight years ago:

 

·         “Really want to go back”                    14%

·         “Want to go back if possible”          21%

·         “Don’t want to go back”                    8%

·         “No need to go back”                    13%

 

3.       日本文の最後の文もたくさんの情報が入っています。Q-chanはそれぞれの情報を英語で表現せずに住宅問題と高齢化の二つを簡潔にまとめています。

 

添削後の文章

 

“A Residential Survey of Evacuees of the Great Hanshin Earthquake”

 

In December 2002, the City of Kobe surveyed evacuees of the Great Hanshin Earthquake who lived in other cities and prefectures. The survey results showed that 35 percent of them still wanted to go back to where they used to live in Kobe and 36 percent of them wanted to go back to Kobe but had already given up that hope.

 

It is estimated that more than 50,000 people left Kobe after the earthquake to live with their relatives and friends and in public housing provided by other municipal and prefectural governments. But the exact number and their intentions have never been surveyed. The current survey revealed their intentions for the first time since the earthquake happened eight years ago.

 

According to the survey, housing was the major reason for not being able to go back to Kobe. They could  either not afford private housing or did not get a chance to move into public housing. But some of them said that they had become too old to look for and move into a new place any longer. Even among those who were fortunate enough to get back to Kobe said that housing was a major problem of starting a new life again in Kobe.

 

 

練習問題 22 「ベンチャー企業育成のためのメンタリング」

 

「メンタリング」というと聞き慣れない人が多いかもしれないが、堅苦しく言うと「知識や経験の豊かな人々が、現時点でまだ未熟な人々のキャリア形成と心理・社会的側面に対して一定期間継続して行う支援行動」と定義される概念である。メンタリングでは、若く、経験の乏しい人に対しても、成功モデルを見せることで行動へのイメージを植えつけながら、実際の行動を促すことができる。一般的には、人材育成・人材開発といった面での活用が活発であるが、米国では起業家に対する支援活動としても定着している。

 

米国のあるインキュベータでは、タイガーセッションという異名をとるメンタリングが行われており、そこにはベンチャーキャピタリスト(VC)、成功経験のある起業家等複数のメンターが集まる。命名の由来は、メンターによる激しい質問により、メンティー(メンタリングの受け手)が文字通り血だらけになることからきているが、参考になる面も多々あるということでメンティーからの評価は高い。

 

ベンチャー企業の経営者には、往々にして自社の事業を楽観的に捉えがちな人が多い。ビジネスの世界においても、相手事業の短所やリスクをあからさまに指摘する事を控えがちな日本社会において、論理的矛盾や事業リスクの的確な指摘およびそのフォローが中心となるメンタリングこそ今のベンチャー企業にとって今後必要になってくるものと思われる。

 

読者からの投稿 1(Yoshi, 15 May 03

 

“Mentoring for Venture Capitalists”

 

Mentoring in general means that experienced people provide psychological and social  advice and support to novices over a period of time. Mentoring is used for human resource development programs. In the United States, mentoring is well established as a means to help venture capitalists.

 

For example, one mentoring program at an American business incubation program is called a “Tiger Session,” because mentors crucify venture capitalists by asking tough questions like a tiger pouncing on a prey.

 

Venture capitalists tend to look at their business prospects very optimistically. Mentoring is very useful to give them an opportunity to look at their business objectively. In the Japanese business environment where businessmen hardly question their business partners about their weaknesses, mentoring will be necessary for the development of venture businesses.

 

添削

 

“Mentoring for Venture Capitalists”

 

Mentoring in general means that experienced people provide psychological and social  advice and support to novices over a period of time. Mentoring is used for human resource development programs. In the United States, mentoring is well established as a means to help venture capitalists1.

 

For example, one mentoring program at an American business incubation program is called a “Tiger Session,” because mentors crucify venture capitalists by asking tough questions like a tiger pouncing on a prey2.

 

Venture capitalists tend to look at their business prospects very optimistically. Mentoring is very useful to give for giving them an opportunity to look at their business objectively. In the Japanese business environment where businessmen hardly ever question their business partners about their weaknesses, mentoring will be necessary for the development of venture businesses3.

 

コメント

 

1.       日本文はいろいろイメージを使って読者の興味をさそるように書かれています。「聞き慣れない人が多いかもしれないが、堅苦しく言うと」、「若く、経験の乏しい人に対しても、成功モデルを見せることで行動へのイメージを植えつけながら、実際の行動を促すことができる。」など。英文の要約では、このようなイメージに頼った表現を抑えて、具体的に書きます。Yoshiさんの要約は簡潔に出来ています。

 

2.       Yoshiさんの要約は明確で、なるほどこのように表現すれば良いのかと思いました。文の最初にFor example を入れることで前の文とのつながりが良くなっています。またlike a tiger pouncing on a preyでタイガーセッションの由来を簡潔に表現しています。

 

3.       Mentoring is very useful to give for giving them an opportunity to look at their business objectively.を入れることで、日本文には明示されていない部分をはっきりとさせています。

 

添削後の文章

 

“Mentoring for Venture Capitalists”

 

Mentoring in general means that experienced people provide psychological and social  advice and support to novices over a period of time. Mentoring is used for human resource development programs. In the United States, mentoring is well established as a means to help venture capitalists.

 

For example, one mentoring program at an American business incubation program is called a “Tiger Session,” because mentors crucify venture capitalists by asking tough questions like a tiger pouncing on a prey.

 

Venture capitalists tend to look at their business prospects very optimistically. Mentoring is very useful for giving them an opportunity to look at their business objectively. In the Japanese business environment where businessmen hardly ever question their business partners about their weaknesses, mentoring will be necessary for the development of venture businesses.

 

 

練習問題 23 「拡大する健康食品市場」

 

予防医学、代替医療への意識の高まりを追い風に、健康食品市場は1兆円以上の市場規模を持ち、成長を続けている。その背景には、健康維持に関する食事の重要性について、国民の意識が高まっていることがある。

 

人体の活動のためにはさまざまな栄養素が必要であるが、日常の食事からそれらすべてを摂取するのは難しい。特に、細胞内での物質代謝について重要な役割を果たすビタミンやミネラルは、不足しがちである。疾病の予防のために、日常の食生活は重要な役割を果たす。多くの人にとって、食事では得られない栄養素を別に摂取することが必要である。

 

20034月から、医療費の自己負担率は2割から3割に上昇する。医療費の増加を抑えるため、予防医療の重要性は増すと考えられる。市場拡大を本格的なものにするためには、食品の健康機能の科学的証明が必要である。食品の健康機能と個人の体質との関係が科学的に明らかにされれば、食生活を通じて個人の健康状態を改善させることが可能になる。このような、証拠に基づいた医学が可能になれば、健康機能を持った食品の市場は安定すると考えられる。今までの健康食品市場は、一過性のブームに翻弄されることが多々あったが、今後変わっていくことが予想される。

 

読者からの投稿 3(Library, 8 October 12

 

Expanding Health Food Market

 

The health food market is more than eighty billion US dollars and expanding. A reason why the market has been acting like this is that people are starting more aware about preventive medicine and alternative medicine. That is to say they are paying attention how important diet meal is for health maintenance.

 

Human activities need a variety of nutrients. However, taking all nutrients from daily food is difficult. Vitamin and mineral which are important for substance metabolism are tend to lack particularly. Despite that, daily meal is a key of preventing diseases. For those many it is needed to take nutrients in another way when you can not from meal .

 

Self-pay ratio rises thirty percent from twenty percent in April 2003. Preventive medicine will become more important to hold medical costs. To confirm of expanding the market is that scientific based evidence is necessary to explain how diet influence on human health. When the relation between the health functioning of foods and individual constitution become clear scientifically, it will be possible to improve your health through diet habit. When you receive medical care by using health foods which is based on scientific evidences, the health food market would be stable. It was often affected by the boom up until now but it would be changed in the future.

 

添削

 

Expanding Health Food Market

 

The health food market is more than eighty 12.5 billion US dollars and expanding. A The major reason why the market has been acting like this is that people are starting to be more aware of about preventive medicine and alternative medicine. That is to say, they are paying attention to how important diet meal is for their health maintenance.

 

Human activities need a variety of nutrients. However, taking all nutrients from daily food is difficult. Vitamins and minerals which are important for substance metabolism are tend to lack particularly. Despite that, a daily meal is a key for of preventing diseases. For those many people, it is necessary needed to take nutrients in another way when they1 you can not get them enough from their meals .

 

The Sself-pay ratio of health care expenses will rises thirty percent from twenty percent to thirty percent2 in April 2003. Therefore, Ppreventive medicine will become more important to hold medical costs down in the future. To help the health food market to expand steadily3 confirm of expanding the market, it is important is that to establish scientific based evidence is necessary to explain how diet influences on human health. When the relation between the health functioning of foods and health4 indivisual constitution becomes clear scientifically, it will be possible to improve our5 your health through diet habits. When we you receive medical care which takes into consideration of by using health foods which is based on scientific evidences6, the health food market, which  would be stable. It was has been often affected by the booms and busts up until now but it would will be changed and become stable in the future.

 

コメント

 

内容の総てがわかりますが、一兆円は1ドル80円の為替レートを使えば12.5 billion US dollarsです。日本文は内容の繰り返しがあり、回りくどい表現も多く、読みやすい文章とは言えません。このような内容の日本文の内容を英文で表現するときは、日本文の内容を整理してから英文で表現するとよいでしょう。日本文の構成に義理立てする必要はありません。

 

1.       For many peoplepeopleを第三者として扱っているので、ここはtheyがよいでしょう。

 

2.       from A to Bが一般的な順序です。

 

3.       To help ~ is B.という構文より、To help ~, it is necessary that ~.というようにTo help ~ を従属文にすると読みやすくなります。

 

4.       ここのところの日本文は回りくどく分かり難いですが、要点は添削のようなものでしょう。

 

5.       ここは著者の意見なので、weとして身近かなものにします。

 

6.       ここは内容の重複なので省略します。

 

添削後の文章

 

Expanding Health Food Market

 

The health food market is more than 12.5 billion US dollars and expanding. The major reason why the market has been acting like this is that people are starting to be more aware of preventive medicine and alternative medicine. That is to say, they are paying attention to how important diet is for their health .

 

Human activities need a variety of nutrients. However, taking all nutrients from daily food is difficult. Vitamins and minerals which are important for substance metabolism tend to lack particularly. Despite that, a daily meal is a key for preventing diseases. For many people, it is necessary to take nutrients in another way when they can not get them enough from their meals.

 

The self-pay ratio of health care expenses will rise from twenty percent to thirty percent in April 2003. Therefore, preventive medicine will become more important to hold medical costs down in the future. To help the health food market to expand steadily, it is important  to establish scientific evidence to explain how diet influences human health. When the relation between food and health becomes clear scientifically, it will be possible to improve our health through diet habits. When we receive medical care which takes into consideration of health food, the health food market, which ha has been often affected by booms and busts will change and become stable in the future.

 

 

読者からの投稿 2(NOMU4 Nov 03

 

"Expanding Health Food Market" 

 

Health food business has a market of more than 100million yen and it is still growing. Rising public interest in preventive medicine and alternative treatments are contributing the growth. There is a social background that people are more concerned about the significance of the role of food for them to keep healthy. A human body needs many kinds of nutritional elements to act, but it is difficult to take in all of them from daily meals. Especially we are likely to lack vitamin and mineral that play an important role in metabolism within cells. Not to mention, daily meals take an important part in preventing diseases. Yet many people need to take in more nutritional elements they can't get through meals. The rate of medical cost people have to pay by themselves will go up from 20% to 30% from April, 2003. Probably preventive treatments will be focused more than before as a measure to reduce medical cost. Benefits of health foods should be proved scientifically so that the market can expand more widely. If the correlation between the benefit of health foods and individual constitutions are explained scientifically, people must be able to improve their health through diet. And also health food market should stabilize with medical science based on proof. Health food market has often been affected by temporary craze, but I predict it will develop in a different manner.

 

添削

 

"Expanding Health Food Market" 

 

Health food business has a market of more than 100 million one trillion yen and it is still growing. Rising public interest in preventive medicine and alternative treatments are contributing to the growth. For this popularity of health food1, Tthere is a social background that people are more concerned about the significance of the role of food for them to keep healthy their health.

 

A human body needs many kinds of nutritional elements to act, but it is difficult to take in all of them from daily meals. Especially, we are likely to lack fall short of vitamins and minerals that play an important role in the metabolism within cells. Not to mention Off course, daily meals take play an important part role in preventing diseases. But Yet many people need to take in more nutritional elements that they can't get through by daily meals. Starting in April, 2003, The rate percentage of medical costs people have to pay by themselves will go up from 20% to 30% from April, 2003. Probably preventive treatments medicine will be receive more focused attention more than before as a measure to reduce medical costs. However, Bbenefits of health foods should be scientifically proved first before scientifically so that the market can expand more widely. If the correlation between the benefit of health foods and individual physical constitutions of our bodies can be scientifically are explained scientifically, people we must will be able to improve their our health through our diet. And also health food market this2 should stabilize the market of health foodwith medical science based on proof. The Hhealth food market has often been affected by a temporary craze in the past, but I predict it will is expected to2 develop in a different manner in the future.

 

コメント

 

日本文には内容の重複しているところがあるので、要旨だけを整理して英文で表現すると良いでしょう。添削は主にNOMUさんのオリジナルを読みやすくするようにしてあります。

 

1.       文と文の内容のつながりがあるようにしました。

 

2.       「健康食品の効果の科学的証明」という前の文で説明してあること全体をThisにして文を簡単にしました。

 

添削後の文章

 

"Expanding Health Food Market" 

 

Health food business has a market of more than one trillion yen and is still growing. Rising public interest in preventive medicine and alternative treatments are contributing to the growth. For this popularity of health food, there is a social background that people are more concerned about the role of food for their health.

 

A human body needs many kinds of nutritional elements but it is difficult to take all of them from daily meals. Especially, we are likely to fall short of vitamins and minerals that play an important role in the metabolism within cells. Off course, daily meals play an important role in preventing diseases But many people need to take more nutritional elements that they can't get by daily meals. Starting in April, 2003, The percentage of medical costs people have to pay by themselves will go up from 20% to 30%. Probably preventive medicine will receive more focused attention than before as a measure to reduce medical costs. However, benefits of health foods should be scientifically proved first before the market can expand more widely. If the correlation between the benefit of health foods and individual physical constitutions of our bodies can be scientifically explained, we will be able to improve our health through our diet. And this should stabilize the market of health food. The health food market has often been affected by a temporary craze in the past but is expected to develop in a different manner in the future.

 

 

読者からの投稿 1(Kei, 15 May 03

 

“An Expanding Market for Health Food in Japan”

 

Annual sales of heath food in Japan has reached one trillion yen and are still increasing. The rapid growth of health food markets reflects increasing awareness of the importance of food for health and is also supported by increasing popularity of preventive and alternative medicine.

 

Some health food products claim that they contain vitamins and minerals that are necessary for health but not adequately supplied by natural food. But we must be scientifically assured first that those health food products do improve our health. Otherwise the boom in health food will be over without any real impact on the health status of Japanese people.

 

添削

 

“An Expanding Market for Health Food in Japan”

 

Annual sales of heath food in Japan has have reached one trillion yen and are still increasing. The rapid growth of health food markets reflects increasing awareness of the importance of food for health and is also supported by the increasing popularity of preventive and alternative medicine1.

 

Some health food products claim that they contain vitamins and minerals that are necessary for health but not adequately supplied by natural food. But However, we must first be scientifically assured first that those health food products do improve our health. Otherwise the boom in health food will be over without any real impact on the health status of Japanese people2.

 

コメント

 

1.       Keiさんの要約は日本文の最初の文がkey paragraphになっていることを利用しています。また日本文の3番目の文に含まれる予防医学をここに入れています。

 

2.       Keiさんは日本文の2番目と3番目の要点を次の三つにまとめています。

 

Some health food products claim that they contain vitamins and minerals that are necessary for health but not adequately supplied by natural food.

 

But However, we must first be scientifically assured first that those health food products do improve our health.

 

Otherwise the boom in health food will be over without any real impact on the health status of Japanese people2.

 

日本文の英文による要約では、日本文のパラグラフの内容(論理の進め方)にとらわれずに、英文による論理の進め方を再構築する必要があります。一般的には、最初のkey paragraphで短く要点を書き、続くパラグラフでkey paragraphの内容を論理的に、順序よく説明する、という構成をします。

 

添削後の文章

 

“An Expanding Market for Health Food in Japan”

 

Annual sales of heath food in Japan have reached one trillion yen and are still increasing. The rapid growth of health food markets reflects increasing awareness of the importance of food for health and is also supported by the increasing popularity of preventive and alternative medicine.

 

Some health food products claim that they contain vitamins and minerals that are necessary for health but not adequately supplied by natural food. However, we must first be scientifically assured that those health food products do improve our health. Otherwise the boom in health food will be over without any real impact on the health status of Japanese people.

 

 

練習問題 24 「全国有名駅弁大会」

 

日本各地の有名駅弁とよりすぐりのうまいものを集めた「全国有名駅弁とうまいもの大会」が、金生町の山形屋6階大催場で開かれており、連日大勢の市民らでにぎわっている。会場には、北海道から鹿児島まで全国37駅から73種類の駅弁と各地の特産品などが一堂にそろい、このうち6駅からは現地の職人が実演販売して、できたての味を提供する。このうち「森のいかめし」「かしわめし」などが人気を集め、午前中で完売する弁当も。今回初めて企画されたレディース弁当特集では「いろいろな味を少しずつ楽しみたい」という、女性のわがままをかなえる駅弁が勢ぞろいしている。

 

読者からの投稿 1(Kei, 15 May 03

 

“Special Sales of Railway Box Lunches”

 

Every day, the sixth floor of Yamagataya at Kanai-cho is full of people looking for their favorite box lunch. The venue has special sales of 73 kinds of box lunches collected from 37 railway stations nationwide and also many local food products. Six railway stations send their chefs and make box lunches at the venue. Some popular box lunches are sold out in the morning. For the first time this year, small “lady-sized” box lunches are available for people who want to try several kinds of box lunches.

 

添削

 

“Special Sales of Railway Box Lunches”

 

Every day, the sixth floor of Yamagataya at Kanai-cho is full of people looking for their favorite box lunch1. The venue has special sales of 73 kinds of box lunches collected from 37 railway stations nationwide. and also many-Many local food products are also on sale2. Six railway stations send their chefs and make box lunches at the venue. Some popular box lunches are sold out in the morning. For the first time this year, small “lady-sized” box lunches are available for people who want to try several kinds of box lunches3.

 

コメント

 

1.       Key sentenceEvery day, the sixth floor of Yamagataya at Kanai-cho is full of people looking for their favorite box lunch.が生き生きとしていますね。

 

2.       添削のように二つに分けたほうが明確になります。

 

3.       日本文では文章を面白くするような飾りがあります。「よりすぐりのうまいものを集めた」、「女性のわがままをかなえる」などです。英文の要約ではこのような飾りは割愛します。

 

添削後の文章

 

“Special Sales of Railway Box Lunches”

 

Every day, the sixth floor of Yamagataya at Kanai-cho is full of people looking for their favorite box lunch. The venue has special sales of 73 kinds of box lunches collected from 37 railway stations nationwide. Many local food products are also on sale. Six railway stations send their chefs and make box lunches at the venue. Some popular box lunches are sold out in the morning. For the first time this year, small “lady-sized” box lunches are available for people who want to try several kinds of box lunches.

 

 

練習問題 25 「医療機関の治療実績を公開せよ」

 

患者はだれもが最善の治療を望むが、実際は医療機関や医師によって、治療技術や治療成績は大きく異なる。問題はそれが患者にはわからないことだ。「なぜ日本では、患者に最適な治療法の情報を広く集めようとしないのか?」 日米の医療経済を研究する米国経済研究所のアキ・ヨシカワ研究員が驚く。日本の五病院の心筋こうそくの治療法を比較した結果、ある病院ではバイパス手術ばかり、別の病院では専ら血栓溶解剤投与、さらに別の病院では血管を方法ばかりと、治療法に極端な偏りがあった。死亡率も最大で五倍の開きがみられた。

 

病院や医師の「権威」から離れ、健康保険組合や患者団体の代表者なども入れた新たな病院評価組織を作って、治療実績や患者の満足度なども含めた審査結果を公表すべきである。病気の治療は、医師と患者の共同作業である。患者は病気や治療法の情報だけでなく、自分の病院・医院の質がどの程度か、十分に知りたい。そのためには医療の質を評価し、情報を開示するシステムが不可欠だ。患者本位の医療が実現するかどうかは、この点にかかっている。

読者からの投稿 2(Library, 1 October 12

 

 

Clinical outcomes in hospitals must be released 

 

Although every patient wants to receive the best treatment, technique and clinical outcomes vary greatly between hospitals and physicians. The problem is that patients can have no way of the information of these. ‘Why does nobody gather the information widely about the most suitable treatment for each patient in Japan?’, Aki Yoshikawa, research associate at National Bureau of Economic Research, who studies Japan- U.S. medical economy was surprised. According to a comparative survey of myocardial infarction treatment in five hospitals in Japan, choice of treatment was biased largely. For instance, a treatment which one of hospitals chose was mainly bypass surgery, it was thrombolytic treatment in another hospital and dilation of the blood vessels in another hospital. Also morbidity rate was observed in five times differences at most.  

 

A new organization for evaluation of hospitals by including members of the health insurance association and representatives from patient gropes must be founded. It should be away from authority of doctors and hospitals. And it will announce officially the results of a survey which contains the performance of treatment and patients satisfaction. Treatment of disease is a collaborative work between physicians and patients. Patients want to know the information of illness and treatment. Also they want to know the quality of the hospital and clinic sufficiently. In the result of this demand, a system which evaluates the quality of medical treatment and discloses the information is necessary. If these points are considered carefully, creating medical care which takes patients position will be feasible.

 

添削

 

Clinical outcomes performances of in hospitals must be released to the public”

 

Although every patient wants to receive the best treatment, techniques and clinical performances outcomes vary greatly between hospitals and physicians. At present, The problem is that patients can have no way of finding the this sort of information of these. Why does nobody gather the information widely about the most suitable treatment for each patient in Japan?, Aki Yoshikawa, a research associate at National Bureau of Economic Research, who studies health economics in Japan and- the U.S. medical economy, asks was surprised. According to a comparative survey of myocardial infarction treatments in five hospitals in Japan, the choice of treatment was widely skewed biased largely. For instance, a treatment which one of hospitals chose was mainly bypass surgery, another hospital it was thrombolytic treatment in another hospital and yet another hospital the dilation of the blood vessels in another hospital. Also the morbidity rates in those hospitals was showed the difference of observed in as much as five times from the lowest to highest differences at most.  

 

A new organization for the evaluation of hospitals performances must be established by including members of the health insurance associations and representatives from of patient gropes must be founded. The evaluation must be made independent of It should be away from the authority of doctors and hospitals. And the new organization it will announce officially the results of a survey which contains the performance of treatment and patients satisfaction. A Ttreatment of disease is a collaborative work between physicians and patients. Patients want to know their the information of illness and treatment. Also tThey also want to know the quality of the hospitals and clinics sufficiently. To satisfy In the result of this demand, a system which evaluates and discloses the quality of medical treatments and discloses the information is needed necessary. Only when this new system is established, If these points are considered carefully, creating medical care which pays utmost attention to takes patients positions will become feasible.

 

コメント

 

内容のすべてがわかります。添削は文章を読みやすくしました。

 

この日本文は内容を英文で表現しようとすると、難しく見えます。一般的にどのような日本文が英文で内容を表現しようとすると難しく思えるでしょうか?

 

1.       日本文を書いた人が何を書きたいのか整理しないままに書いた。

2.       書きたいことはあるのだが、書き方が下手で内容がうまく伝わらない。

3.       専門家を読者に想定した文章で、専門用語が多く使われている。

4.       ある特殊なグループを読者の対象にしていて、このグループの人たちしかわからない共通の認識があり、この共通の認識の説明がない。

などの理由があるでしょう。

 

この例題が難しく思えるのは主に(3)の要因でしょう。「病院や医師の「権威」から離れ、健康保険組合や患者団体の代表者なども入れた新たな病院評価組織を作って、治療実績や患者の満足度なども含めた審査結果を公表すべきである。」のところは(2)の要因も少し入っているでしょう。あとは短い文章にたくさんの内容が詰め込まれているので、日本文の内容を小文に分解して、小文の一つずつを英文で表現していく、という英作文の基本を実行すればよいでしょう。

 

添削後の文章

 

“Clinical performances of hospitals must be released to the public”

 

Although every patient wants to receive the best treatment, techniques and clinical performances vary greatly between hospitals and physicians. At present, patients can have no way of finding this sort of information. ”Why does nobody gather information widely about the most suitable treatment for each patient in Japan?” Aki Yoshikawa, a research associate at National Bureau of Economic Research, who studies health economics in Japan and the U.S. , asks. According to a comparative survey of myocardial infarction treatments in five hospitals in Japan, the choice of treatment was widely skewed. For instance, one hospital chose mainly bypass a surgery, another thrombolytic treatment, and yet another the dilation of blood vessels. Also the morbidity rates in those hospitals showed the difference of as much as five times from the lowest to highest .  

 

A new organization for the evaluation of hospital performances must be established by including members of health insurance associations and representatives of patient gropes. The evaluation must be made independent of the authority of doctors and hospitals. And the new organization will announce officially the results of a survey which contains the performance of treatment and patient satisfaction. A treatment of disease is a collaborative work between physicians and patients. Patients want to know their illness and treatment. They also want to know the quality of hospitals and clinics. To satisfy this demand, a system which evaluates and discloses the quality of medical treatments is needed. Only when this new system is established, medical care which pays utmost attention to patients’ positions will become feasible.

 

 

読者からの投稿 1(リンギスト、28 May 03

 

“Public Access to Information on Hospital Performance ”  

 

Mr. Aki Yoshikawa, a researcher of Japan’s health economy at the Institute of Economic Studies in the United States, compared treatment techniques for cardiac arrests at five different hospitals in Japan and found that there were major differences from hospital to hospital. The fatality rate of patients with cardiac arrests between the lowest and the highest was as large as five times among those hospitals. He wonders why Japan does not try to collect information on best treatment practices.

 

It was time for Japan to form an independent organization that evaluates hospitals for their practice performance and patient satisfaction. Disease treatment is a joint effort by physicians and patients. Patients want to know not only their disease and treatment method but also the quality of treatment available at each hospital. For such a purpose, it is indispensable to establish an objective method of evaluating hospital performance. When patients have access to such information, then we can hope to develop patient-oriented medicine in Japan.

 

添削

 

“Public Access to Information on Hospital Performance ”  

 

Mr. Aki Yoshikawa, a researcher of Japan’s health economy at the Institute of Economic Studies in the United States, compared treatment techniques for cardiac arrests at five different hospitals in Japan and found that there were major differences from hospital to hospital. The fatality rate of patients with cardiac arrests between the lowest and the highest was as large as five times among those hospitals. He wonders why Japan does not try to collect information on the best treatment practices.

 

It was is time for Japan to form an independent organization that evaluates hospitals for their practice performance and patient satisfaction. Disease treatment is a joint effort by physicians and patients. Patients want to know not only their disease and treatment method but also the quality of treatment available at each hospital. For such a purpose, it is would be indispensable to establish an objective method of evaluating hospital performance. When patients have access to such information, then we can hope to develop patient-oriented medicine in Japan.

 

コメント

 

日本文にはいろいろな情報がつめこまれています。また文と文との論理的なつながりは読者にわかるものとして、「そのため」、「だから」、「つぎには」などの文のつなぎの副詞は、文章を短くするためになるべく省くようにしてあります。英文で要約を作るときは、日本文のどの部分を表現して、どの部分を省略するかの判断をします。リンギストさんは日本文の中の心筋こうそくの病院による治療方法は省いています。

 

日本文ではキーセンテンスは最初の段落の最初の文、「患者はだれもが最善の治療を望むが、実際は医療機関や医師によって、治療技術や治療成績は大きく異なる。問題はそれが患者にはわからないことだ。」と2番目の段落の最後の文、「そのためには医療の質を評価し、情報を開示するシステムが不可欠だ。患者本位の医療が実現するかどうかは、この点にかかっている。」の二つです。リンギストさんは最初のキーテンスは省いて、Mr. Aki Yoshikawa, a researcher …と始めています。要約は短い文章の中で、大意を把握することと、表現に具体性を持たせることをバランスさせなければなりません。リンギストさんは最初の段落は具体的にして、キーセンテンスは2番目の段落の最後の文にしています。キーセンテンスは通常最初の段落に入れますが、文章全体が短い場合はリンギストさんのように文章の最後に結論として入れることもできます。

 

添削後の文章

 

“Public Access to Information on Hospital Performance ”  

 

Mr. Aki Yoshikawa, a researcher of Japan’s health economy at the Institute of Economic Studies in the United States, compared treatment techniques for cardiac arrests at five different hospitals in Japan and found that there were major differences from hospital to hospital. The fatality rate of patients with cardiac arrests was as large as five times among those hospitals. He wonders why Japan does not try to collect information on the best treatment practices.

 

It is time for Japan to form an independent organization that evaluates hospitals for their practice performance and patient satisfaction. Disease treatment is a joint effort by physicians and patients. Patients want to know not only their disease and treatment method but also the quality of treatment available at each hospital. For such a purpose, it would be indispensable to establish an objective method of evaluating hospital performance. When patients have access to such information, then we can hope to develop patient-oriented medicine in Japan.